And here we are...

My parents are divorcing. It's been a long time coming. They should've done it sooner. The catalyst is my father's new girlfriend; my parents haven't been physical with each other for over 7 years and when my dad moved to France it gave him the freedom to meet someone. That someone seems to be someone who is recognising and supporting him. Who is allowing him to flourish as the man he has always wanted to be. He hasn't been completely honest along the way but I understand his reasons for being dishonest; because I'm dishonest in the same way.

Thing is, it's making me feel insecure about my place in the family. I've always been closer to my father than to my mother because I've always suffered her negativity. I haven't led my life in a way that she can relate to and I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. I understand how hard it must have been for my dad every time he came home with a new idea and every time she critisised him because that's how I felt. I can go some way to understanding how she feels but my roots will always be in trying to see the positive (though I know this blog probably won't support that, ha ha).

When I feel that the struggle is getting too much for me I call my dad and he soothes me... He speaks to me in lulled tones telling me that I've come so far and that if I keep going, keep learning one day the tide will turn. And I believe him.

Now, my mother compares me to my father. She thinks I've been hiding things; and she's probably right... I've been hiding things about my future plans with my father because I don't want to hurt her and upset her but I also stopped telling her things because I just didn't need the negative input, things are hard enough you know? I'm certain that my dad has been doing this for years and now I'm doing it too... She's drawing parallels between us and I suppose she's right to do so.

My dad and I are buying a house together because he needs a base in the UK and I need to get on the property ladder. I told my mother this and she insinuated that I want to take something (money) from her and from my brother and sister. I reassured my siblings that whatever interest my father had in the property would eventually go to them. I said to my mother that I didn't want this to have a negative impact on our relationship and the only words she could muster were 'no one knows what the future holds'.

Been away for a while...

What have I been up to? Well, I met a boy on the internet and I went on a whole five dates. That's practically a relationship for me. I think he liked the idea of having a relationship with me... He kept saying his friends knew he was 'seeing someone' and that they'd been asking about how the 'relationship' was progressing. This is the point that I totally wigged out and went off him.

I spoke to several friends about what was going on and figured out a few things about myself that are preventing me from having a successful relationship. Mainly I think it comes down to unresolved issues from my childhood (well what doesn't?)

Growing up my mother and older sister always had a better relationship than me and my mother. My sister is a perfectionist and has always done everything to the best of her abilities. School work, piano lessons, house keeping. I on the other hand have always had a bit more of a laissez fair attitude to these things. This resulted in mum saying 'brilliant H well done' and 'C try harder'. As I child I interpreted this to mean that I wasn't good enough... The result is that I find it very difficult to cope with criticism as I have a subconscious belief that I'm not good enough.

I will say that this has some great side effects; I'm constantly striving to prove myself and I'm really ambitious. BUT; as soon as someone critisises me I go to pieces - trying to prove that I'm not what they say I am (even if I am and even if that's not such a bad thing really).

I can deal with being in a relationship with someone who isn't totally focussed on me (like someone who is coming out of a relationship with someone else and is therefore emotionally unavailable to me) but when a guy really likes me I find it incredibly difficult to deal with his expectations (though it's probably more my idea of what his expectations are than his real expectations - are you following? I'm not sure I am!). I think 'god soon he'll find out what I'm really like; that I'm a drunken loser' - that kind of thing. So I reject him before he can reject me.

I must say that coming to these realisations about myself had been cathartic; I now think that until I have raised my self-esteem I shouldn't be within 50 feet of a relationship and I'm happy with that.

Damn The Mail and all that it stands for

I don't know about you but all this Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross business has got me wondering whether there is nothing that those of us who are sane can do to prevent the BBC from losing three enormously talented people to Daily Mail readers. If we lodged 30,000 complaints could we get them reinstated?

A tragedy and an outrage. I just hope that the 'next man' is big enough to fill Lesley Douglas' shoes.

That is not to say that I think that what they did was right.

I'm feeling a bit fed up actually.

I don't know why this feeling seems to have hit me today but it has and it's rubbish.

I had a bit of a cry on the phone to my dad earlier. I have a job interview tomorrow and although I really hate my job/my colleagues most of the time I'm starting to dread the idea of starting (yet another) new job and building (yet another) new pipeline.

I think the think that is really compounding it is the fact that I'll be doing it on my own again. Though the majority of the time I love my independence I've got to say; recently I have been struggling to fight off this feeling of loneliness.

I think this is largely to do with a lot of my friends having moved away. My dad has been in France for the most part of six months, and my sister has moved back to the UK so my relationship with my mother has deteriorated somewhat (since they get on a lot better and my mother doesn't need to struggle with me if she can get her female companionship fix from my sister).

I think having spent that weekend away in France recently really compounded just how used to doing everything myself I am. I couldn't help but be taken aback when A did the smallest things for me (like running my bath or taking out the rubbish) because I simply don't expect any help anymore. And when I came to that realisation - it made me feel really sad. And when I woke up back in the UK, alone again, and A's arm wasn't around me I felt so desperately lonely that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I also feel like it's a little bit tragic that I've met someone who seems so perfect but yet again, it's someone who is 'emotionally unavailable' and is not ready for a relationship.

I suppose I've just got to do what I've always done and get on with it. Get my head down and deal with the fact that there won't be anyone around to run me a bath when I get home from work, or to make me a cup of tea in the morning. But just for tonight I'm going to let myself feel a little bit sad about it.

My Cat

My cat is on a diet at the moment as he doesn't do enough exercise. I can't totally blame him for this because I don't let him leave the four rooms that make up my flat. Though this is because he is too stupid to survive outside. But that is probably to do with his breeding. So; still not really his fault.

He was just padding on me and I lifted his paws up. When he pulled his paws from my clasped hands he landed his entire weight just below my (thoracic) diaphragm and nearly made me sick. The worst part is, he gave me a 'that'll teach you' look. Twat.

I really don't care!

About your relationship status according to your Facebook profile so stop fucking changing it. It's really fucking annoying and I couldn't give a flying fuck whether you're married, divorced, single, gay, straight.... Fuck off!

It doesn't mean anything! Can't you see?! I've been married for the past 6 months and I've just got divorced according to Facebook. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Stand up for yourself... and me.


• * Be confident, strong, and direct.


• * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.


• * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.


• * Give me space to be alone.


• * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.


• * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.


• * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

• * being independent and self-reliant


• * being able to take charge and meet challenges head on


• * being courageous, straightforward, and honest


• * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life


• * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me


• * upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

• * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to


• * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence


• * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it


• * never forgetting injuries or injustices


• * putting too much pressure on myself


• * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

• * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit


• * are sometimes loners


• * seize control so they won't be controlled


• * figure out others' weaknesses


• * attack verbally or physically when provoked


• * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

• * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted


• * are sometimes overprotective


• * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

I keep forgetting to tell you the good news!

I'm an auntie, look;

I hate you all you fuckers.

Not you my friends. The twats at work.

Why is it that they can bleat and moan and whinge and whine about their 'bloated stomach's' their 'infected wisdom tooth' their 'discontinued phones' that their customers have and they all find it perfectly acceptable but if I let out so much as a sigh they're all going on about how I'm 'miserable'.

I know I moan (it's part of the reason that I started this blog) but I do like to think that I do it with a bit of wit and enthusiasm... I also think that a lot of the time I have good reason to fucking moan. Like when I've spent hours working on a deal only to find theres some shitty red-tape situation with the network that no one has ever warned me about that means I'm going to lose it and miss my target. Or when the manager decides (without warning, request or later praise) that I'm going to be responsible for creating a new corporate contract and gives me no support while I'm doing it. Admittedly sometimes I just moan because I'm a bit achy but so do those fuckers.

I had to cope with one of the ugly sisters doing a happy dance at the prospect of me being away for two days next week today. She got even more excited when I said that I might not come back. I'm not sure if she thinks it's funny or whether she knows it's not and still does it anyway. Whatever; she's still an insensitive cunt. I really cannot wait to leave.

All I have to do, is not have sex with him.

I can't remember whether I said so on here or not but I decided a while back that I'm not going to have casual sex anymore. I'm going to wait to have sex with someone that I can foresee having a relationship with.

Well; I'm struggling. It's been nearly two months now (TWO WHOLE MONTHS) and though I have the best intentions I'm pretty sure that spending all my time in the gym 'working out my frustrations' is not doing me any good as I spend about 70 minutes discreetly ogling all the buff young men in there. Add to this the temptation of one of the 23 year olds who works there having a bit of a crush on me and you've got a recipe for my best laid (if you'll excuse the pun) plans being cast aside in favour of some strenuous tests of my new found stamina.

I've got to admit that it does seem a bit of a shame that my new body is yet to be fully appreciated in all it's glory (ha ha), my new energy is mostly unspent... I give it a month before I cave.

I was talking to one of my other friends who works at the gym, D, and we were discussing whether I should/shouldn't go out with this guy, T, if he asked. My argument was that I'd said that I was going to wait for someone I could see myself having a relationship with and I couldn't see that happening with T. He said that I couldn't say that unless I went on a date. I said T wasn't intelligent enough. He said that might not matter. I said 'but he wouldn't find it interesting when I talk about the current financial climate!' He said 'no one finds that interesting'. Good point. What do you think? Could I have toy boy himbo? Perhaps it'd be easier. Apart from sex though; what would he offer?

On the online dating front; I have managed to attract someone resembling a young Christopher Biggins who assumes that I find him really interesting, insults my career choice and invites himself round for dinner. Despite the fact that I've been studiously ignoring him he still tries to make contact offering useful advice about training. I have this covered by two other young men (see paragraph above).

I made contact with a couple of others but the exchanges have become a bit dull already. I'm also chatting to an old school friend of my brother's on Facebook who is quite cute but I think he might be gay.

I'm going away with Mr Bug Jam this weekend to France. We're just friends now but I have a feeling that once I've had a load of alcohol I'm going to find it very difficult to control myself... All I have to do, is not have sex with him.

What has happened to people?

I went out with my cousin last night. I haven't seen her for ages as she hasn't been coming to the gym with me - she told me that she had been having stomach pains and that the doctor had advised her to stop exercising for a while.

Last night she confessed that that wasn't entirely true and that she had become pregnant by her (insanely possessive) boyfriend and had had a termination. She already has a two year old by another man and so having an abortion was very difficult for her (as I'm sure it is for most people).

Later on in the evening we went back to her flat before I got a taxi home and she was sick. I left her and her boyfriend to it at that point and came home. At 4.30 am I got a phone call from her screaming and crying saying the he had left her after calling her a 'slag' for going out and getting drunk... After a while she calmed down and I went back to sleep.

When I called her this morning I asked her how things were and she told me they weren't good. I responded by saying that I didn't see that she'd done anything wrong. She said 'I have, I went out and got drunk while I'm pregnant'. It turns out that since having her abortion she has had unprotected sex again and that she has done a pregnancy test that has come back positive. The doctor said that it might be remnants from the last pregnancy but she is fairly sure that she is.

Further to that I saw a friend of K's out last night who told me that her boyfriend now beats her as regularly as once a week and in front of her child. This I find utterly despicable. I'm sorry but I don't feel any pity for K; I just feel angry that she can put her feelings in front of the wellbeing of her child. Way to fuck a kid up!

Now I have to ask the question; where the hell has people's sense of responsibility gone?

But I might be cynical,

I'm really trying with the internet dating thing but it's making me feel three things;

1) Shallow
2) Desperate
3) Irritated

Not good traits.

The first is because when a guy messages me and it's not a fantastically interesting or funny message then I look at his profile picture and if he's not attractive I instantly dismiss any chance of any kind of romance developing.

The second because I keep thinking that even when I trawl the massive internet I can't find anyone suitable to go for a drink with, let alone start a family with. Is there anyone out there? It might never happen for me... I might have to artificially inseminate myself!!

The third? New best friends. I hate the people who assume that if you've chatted to them once you want to speak to them every time you go online. Also saying things like 'I escaped a sales career; thank god' is a bit annoying as is 'you should change your sales territory so you can visit me'. Why can't I just ignore these people? The same reason I can't ignore someone who's talking to me in a bar; I'm too damn polite.

Oh and by the way boys; quoting The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in your profile is not cool.

I am not mad, or hypersensitive or neurotic!

I have had the great pleasure of spending time with two of my closest friends this afternoon and after plucking up the courage to talk to them about the issues that I have been experiencing at work (i.e. the underhand bitchy comments that many of my colleagues - even the ones who profess to be my friends - make) I can confirm that far from rolling their eyes and telling me that I'm being hypersensitive they comforted me and sympathised - which was wonderful.

It's been so long since I've had people who truly understand me around and it was so refreshing to be able to express my emotions without my confidant rolling their eyes or groaning that I'm always 'whining'. Though I realise that my colleagues are probably uncomfortable around me because I rock their little world by expecting more than they do, or by striving a little harder; being a bit more demanding; mixing things up a bit; that doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm a total outsider when I have to spend eight hours a day with them.

They must think that I'm just whining and doing nothing about my situation; truth is I have a job interview on Friday and I'm praying I get it as it sounds a lot like the people will be a bit more accommodating of someone with a little ambition.

Wish me luck chaps!

Fucking bollocks.

Ohhhhh.... I tried it again; I tried internet dating.

So first I went on DatingDirect.com and for some reason as I was filling out my details I had a feeling of deja vu... Particularly when it said 'email address already in use'. Against my better judgment I ignored my misgivings and carried on with the process. Now I'm not being tight; I'm just a bit skint at the moment, but I didn't actually want to pay for my next date really. I also didn't want to have to pay to got through the pain and disappointment of meeting a load of retards on t'internet again.

So; I spent the best part of 45 minutes sorting out my profile, deciding whether I wanted a black, religious man with green eyes and no kids or a white, bilingual man who lived with his parents... Fantastic; boring bit out of the way... lets go shopping! So, after the first five pages I actually found someone I thought I wanted to know more about so I click to email and... They wanted £60 off me for six month's subscription. Robbing bastards. There's no way that I could take six months of internet dating. I'd go out of my mind. Normal dating is bad enough; I already despair at the lack of suitable men in the world; this serves only to compound that despair by broadening my horizon (do you get the impression that I may be entering into this with the wrong attitude?) I may consider paying for one month when I get paid but that has the escalated cost of £22.40...

After having the carrot dangled in front of my donkey face and then whisked away by my inability to weather the credit crunch I tried going on a free dating site. I must admit that the site appeared a little tacky but I thought; what the hell - it's only costing me time! I filled out the necessary details again, posted my photo and left my account to be approved. Returning from work the following day I opened Outlook to find 21 new messages from freedating.com.... A couple to let me know that my profile/photo had been approved - the rest notifications of messages that I had received. Good start!

So I go to the site, click on the first message; 'hi, how are you?' Boring. Next. 'Hi, how you doing?' Oh no. 'Hi, how r u?' Can't even be bothered to write properly.... Argh! And on it went - all of them the same lazy, uninspired question. The thought of staying on there and sifting through this every day just made me feel so irritated that I simply deleted my account. Perhaps the love of my life had sent me one of those messages but I just can't envision me saying to my grandchildren 'your grandfather just bowled me over when he sent me a message on the internet saying 'hi, how r u?' Nope.

I passed an advert whilst driving to an appointment today for sugardaddy.com. My goodness! What would that be like I wonder? Would the conversation be more interesting? How would it work? Would you get them to pay your subscription? Or would that be too much too early? Do you think Rod Stewart is on it? I daren't check it out... I can just imagine all these aspiring Michael Douglas's getting all excited about the prospect of meeting some Sugar Babies. Eeew.

I'm sober...

Yuck.

The great relationship issue (again)

I have a question; is it a good or bad thing that I can turn my emotions on and off on a whim?

I met a bloke that I thought I really liked but as it became apparent that he wasn't ready for a relationship (yeah that old chestnut again - I do pick 'em) I decided that the two of us should just be friends and to my amazement I am actually cool with it. We're going away for the weekend in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it more now that it has no romantic undertone.

Maybe it's just because I've been down this path too many times before but part of me is wondering whether I will ever feel that all-consuming emotional attachment to someone again. Have I grown too old and too jaded to feel that 'if I can't have this person I will die' feeling ever again? Or did I just fool myself into thinking that I liked this person more than I really did? Did I do that thing where I was hoping so much that I had found someone to have a relationship with that I overlooked all of the things that were 'wrong' with them until the point where it was obvious that it wouldn't work - and therefore I had nothing to lose by admitting that these faults were there?

I can't now deny that I want to have a meaningful relationship. It's obvious that after two years of being single that I can survive on my own. I have just proved to myself that if things don't work out; well - I'm OK with it (albeit that this time the emotional investment was short term and minimal). I have also got to a point where I can easily say 'no' to people who ask me out on a date if it is glaringly obvious that they're not right for me (I can now ignore that imbecilic voice that says 'you never know' - I do know - he's not for me). Still - I do want to meet someone. It's been ages since I had any level of intimacy with a person (not physically of course; emotionally).

I'm not afraid to admit now that I want that intimacy where I can ask my boyfriend to have my make up in his pocket, where we're insured on each other's cars and maybe we even share a house.... I know people always say that you find someone when you stop looking but I really don't think that's the case. I think you're less likely to find someone if you are sat in a bar looking like you're looking, for sure. I'd like to find someone with a similar level of drive and passion as myself... That - at least for now - seems to be a problem.

My darling colleagues...

...the day I aspire to mediocrity I will come to you for some expert tuition; until then please keep your advice to yourselves.

Also...

It appears to be OK for a man to want a girlfriend but not for a woman to want a boyfriend for some reason.

Though on the double-standards front; I have to confess that I don't really think it's OK for a single man to have a cat or for any man to do yoga. What's all that about?

Me and my prejudices!

Hello My Dears!

I do hope the two of you haven't missed me too much...

I must confess that I have been being unfaithful to you - I've been writing a journal. The reason for my infidelity is sheer laziness I'm afraid - I can't be bothered to explain things anymore and worse still lack the enthusiasm for structure. I have taken to writing lots of random things down in no particular order and in this way hope to come up with some tit bits of genius (OK, genius may be pushing it, but at least something of some value). I seem to do this whilst thinking but never actually end up writing it down as I always forget it whilst I wonder about where that damn possessive apostrophe should go.

Still - other things have happened. I have decided that I need to start my own business because the world is full of cunts and I don't wish to be employed by one anymore. I'm sure that employing said cunts will be just as bad but at least (given that I have issued the correct amount of verbal warnings, written warnings and final warnings) I can sack the cunts!

I'm fed up of stupid men and even more stupid women - one of whom implied today whilst we were having lunch that my manager's obsession with me was purely my own doing as she had never had the problem with her managers. I didn't point out that fucking her, I would think, would be rather similar to fucking a corpse; because I'm too goddamn nice to say that kind of thing.

Another of my wonderful colleagues turned to me (after a particularly self deprecating witty quip from myself about my relationship status) and said 'no wonder you keep getting dumped'. Erm... yeah thanks for that - nothing like boosting someone's confidence is there?

Fuck the cunts! I have bought myself a copy of 'Good Small Business Guide: How to Start and Grow Your Own Business' and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. I just need to sort out my personal debt (achievable within 18 months), write a business plan, do the necessary research and grow balls of steel and I'll be set.

I will have a yacht by the time I'm forty!

I have discovered the gym and it's like heaven!

I really can't believe that I thought that I'd hate the gym; I love it! How cool is getting a machine to tell you how well you're doing, how many calories you've burned and how many minutes/seconds you have go to go until you've reached your goals. Then, you get to go for a swim, steam and jacuzzi to relax your muscles. Amazing! I could do without the retards who think that you'd really like to be hit on whilst red-faced, sweating and out of breath but I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth.

We've had a death in the family - Splinter had to be put down last week. He apparently had mange (which the first vet I saw after he'd had a stroke) failed to tell me... He was so itchy that he CHEWED HALF OF HIS TAIL OFF!! It was incredibly distressing for me; he didn't seem that bothered. I decided that as he'd had at least one, possibly two strokes and was a geriatric and there is no cure for mange it was time to 'do the right thing'. Very sad.

I have completely severed contact with K... I think it's probably for the best. We'd grown in such different directions that it was becoming harder and harder for me to withhold my opinions on her life choices. Things are a lot easier if you hang around with people who have a similar set of morals and a similar outlook on life.

I also met a boy last weekend at Bug Jam. He's rather lovely and lives about an hour and a half away (on my sales territory no less). He has a job and a driving license but would you believe it? He doesn't have a wife! Unfortunately he has just come out of a five year relationship and is saying that he wants to be single... I'm not really trying to be his girlfriend at the moment but we do get on so well that I think it would be a shame to lose the connection. He's coming to see me next weekend and I am a teeny bit excited. Whoop whoop!

Arrrghhh!

I don't know whether I've told you about this before but one of my friends, K, has been in a violent relationship for the last few months.

She and I knew that the man that she was seeing had been violent towards other girlfriends in the past but I think we were both hoping (because he was so charming) that he would be different with her.

He wasn't, and the first time he hit her she gave me all the spiel about how she wouldn't go back... I went round at 2 am and picked up the broken glass, cleaned the food that he'd strewn across the kitchen up and stayed with her in the hope of making her feel safe. I went to work the next day absolutely knackered and then went round to see her later as she tried to get someone to fix her broken window and talked endlessly about how she 'could never take him back'.

After listening to all this - and many more nights of the same - I was completely disheartened and felt like a complete knob when the next time she saw him he picked her up, span her round and kissed her - while all her 'friends' said 'ahh, how sweet' - and she smiled and giggled.

When she told me that they were back together I couldn't pretend it was OK. I told her that I wasn't going to support her. I wasn't going to hang out with the two of them and pretend everything was OK because it's not - it's not OK for him to hit her and it's not OK to take him back. It's destructive and selfish behavior on both of their part's.

When I said that she didn't have my support I didn't mean that if she'd have called and needed me I would've turned my back on her. I meant that I wouldn't gloss over what had happened and be his friend.

She went on holiday to Marbella and while she was away he called me and left a voice mail saying he wanted to 'explain'. I asked her whether they were together at that time (because they were always off and on) and she said that they wer and that maybe I should hear him out. As if he could give me a valid reason for hitting my friend.

He threw her the next time. She ended up on crutches and although we'd drifted and I knew she was hurt by my stance I called her to ask how she was. She said she was busy and she'd called back and then didn't.

I called her tonight; I admit it was mainly because she has my spare key (I knew she didn't want to talk as she hadn't called back as she said she would) - I left a voice mail to say so and also asked how she was. She sent me a text to say that she hadn't answered because she didn't know (or rather hadn't saved) my number and that she'd drop the key round tomorrow as she wasn't well. I texted back saying thanks and that I hoped she'd be alright and her response was 'if we was really friends you'd know how I was' (sic).

This really pissed me off. In my opinion a friend is not someone who pretends that you're right when you're wrong. I constantly seek the moral guidance of my friends. I do not expect them to condone my bad behavior. If they think what I'm doing is wrong I want to hear it. She had a swipe at me about 'sleeping with everyone else's men' - seeming to forget that when her and Mr Violent got together he was with someone else... Some of the guys I've been involved with have been at that 'split up but not completely out of it' stage - granted. Not ideal but haven't we all been there? And aren't we more likely to be as we get older? If she had a problem with it why didn't she say at the time rather than bringing it up later?

I told her that I can't pick up the pieces after her bad choices like her mother always has. And that she drags me down. It's a horrible thing to say but she does. It's draining to be around someone who is constantly sabotaging their life. Someone who tears themselves down every time you've tried to pick them up...

Oh.... Fuck it.

I've broken something...

I'm in so much pain! I can hardly breathe... I think I must have overdone it at kickboxing last night - may have been the 14 lb gloves and the sheer aggression with which I attacked the pads but I've pulled something in my back. I was alright until I did the hoovering but since then it's steadily seized up more and more... God knows how I'm going to get dressed tomorrow.

I still went for my run though, and I'm on day 2 of the Special K diet. Don't seem to have lost any weight yet which is a little disappointing (I am the least patient person I know) but I'm going to stick at it. Ran a mile (well ran a bit and walked a bit but mostly ran) even with my new injury so feel very proud. Not sure about the shade of red that my face has gone but I suppose this is what they refer to as a 'healthy glow' (hopefully no one will say 'ruddy').

I'm most impressed with Tesco at the moment - managed to get a skipping rope (which due to my pulled muscle I may not be able to use for a few years) for £3 and some trainers to run in for £5. That's what we like! Running in fashion trainers wasn't doing my knees any favours. Ended up in the queue behind The Engineer's best friend though. He didn't know who I was since I was a secret but isn't it always the way when you're trying to forget someone things keep popping up to remind you of them?

I wouldn't mind Paulo Nutini coming to kiss my back better...

Death Of The Engineer

Though I've discovered that when I describe the events surrounding my the end of my involvement (though it was a 'relationship' of sorts that would make it sound a little too intense) with The Engineer, most people seem to take great pleasure in saying 'well what did you expect' (which makes me want to gouge their eyes out with a fork - not this obviously) I'm going to let you know how I feel about the whole thing anyway.

The Engineer and I have know each other for around 20 years (I think I've told you that before). Though we haven't really been 'dating' as such we have embarked on a daily-text and fortnightly-sex style fling for the last seven months. Twice I have tried to end our involvement, both times for the same reason - that I didn't think he was particularly good at 'casual relationships' and that I felt that was screwing with my emotions - that I couldn't get a handle on where I stood. Both times he ignored what I'd said and carried on, pretty much, as if I hadn't said it. Yes, I should have been stronger and told him to bugger off but he has a way of charming me. Irritating though he is.

I had also spelled out to him on several occasions that in no possible way would I want to be, or to feel like, his mistress. Several times I have pointed out actions that he had taken that made me feel less significant than his ex-to-be (or is she?) wife. Several times he had apologised for this behaviour (though now I'm thinking that it might have been the 'anything for a quite life' husband side of him 'apologising').

The other night we were Facebook chatting and he asked me to go to the cinema... OK so not a great-big-deal but prior to this he had shown reluctance to be seen out with me (or that's the impression I got) so I was thinking that perhaps this was a sign that he was moving on a step further from his married life. So, I agreed to go and we had a bit of a laugh about it being our first date etc etc. Then the conversation moved on to how long it'd been since we'd seen each other and then 'how have you been?'...

Simple enough question, but this was his reply;

'Not great, I miss my son, can't sell my house and I've been spending time with my wife again. I'm really confused... Sorry, but you did ask...'

I don't know in what world he thought that I'd be OK with this piece of information but I'm not. The reasons (I have managed to pin them down into something that sounds rational over the last few days) are as follows;

1. He has ignored what I previously said to the point that I feel he sees my emotions as insignificant.
2. I respected him a damn sight more than I have any other man for many years because I believed him to have strong morals that matched my own and now I feel (once again) completely let down.
3. He's made me look and idiot for believing that he wouldn't go back to her - for thinking 'how could he go back when he said he didn't love her or enjoy her company anymore?'
   

Why he thought that it was OK to casually drop this information into the conversation I'll never know. Did he think that I'd just carry on sleeping with him until he turned to me and said - 'right I'm off home now - it's been fun!'

In these situations I find it intensely irritating when a bloke apologises. I just find it patronising and it really doesn't help repair any damage.

I've 'removed' (I love that word - its so cold) him from my Facebook friends; I don't want to know what he's up to day by day on his status and I definitely couldn't stomach him putting his relationship status back to 'married' and I've also deleted his number. I thought about messaging him to explain what he did wrong but like my friend at work said 'if he doesn't know it's not worth explaining it to him'.

It's a bastard though because I do miss the texts and stuff - just the attention really and that makes it feel like the end of a proper relationship. One good thing about it though - at least I'm not completely hardened. I like to keep a little bit of the soft stuff about me - even if I am a warrior princess.

I've embarked on a new diet/exercise plan which is making me feel buzzy. I kicked the crap out of some pads at kickboxing tonight and then spent the rest of the evening beautifying myself.

I'm gonna steer clear of those yucky boys for a bit.

Attack of the Cryptosporidium

We have a bug in the water around here at the moment and are not allowed to drink straight from the tap but must boil water first. My cat seems to think that this is part of some new torture regime involving me denying him access to cold, freshly-run tap water complete with chlorine. He's therefore trying to guilt trip me into turning the tap on.

I will not break!

Virgin Pie

Yay for Virgin Pie Parties! What a fantastic idea. I know what Mr. Grim was thinking (or thereabouts) but how about everyone who's never cooked a pie before cooks one and brings them to a party with all their friends so that they can all test each other's pie making skills... Amazing.

My cat has a hairball and is sitting on the coffee table coughing. I know he's going to yak all over my carpet soon.... What can you do though? Short of tape a bag round his head. No - I've already killed one pet (Token II) this month - not going to kill another. Although Splinter isn't looking very well at the moment. He seems to be panting quite a lot and he is a geriatric really. Poor old boy.

I put some oil in my car today. It's very easy - so easy in fact that I can't believe I didn't do it before - could've saved myself £1700 and a lot of hassle. Still I suppose it's another lesson learned. I won't blow my engine up again. At least not from not putting oil in it.

I've got the day off on Thursday to go shopping - woo hoo! Work do on Friday too which should be a right laugh. I've got a great self defense move to do on our leery colleague if he decides to get gropey which I'm really looking forward to. It's called the body shock and I'll let you know how it goes.

New Fish

This is my new fish; his name is Kiss. I had to buy him because I dropped a rock on Token II and killed him. Whoops! I'm going to try very hard not to kill Kiss as he looks like he's wearing lipstick and that's just too cool.

I had a Virgin Vie party on Friday night which was really good because it meant inviting a load of laydees to my flat. I really like entertaining and I now want to do more of it.

I invited my neighbour from upstairs, she's a GP and is very funny and drinks as much as me (which is comforting). I also invited a few of my of my colleagues. One of them called me and asked me if I lived in the (slightly down market) flats next to mine and when I said 'do you really think I'd live there?' she replied 'well you're only renting aren't you? A flats a flat isn't it?' I suppose I deserved it for being snobby in the first place but it did make me think that perhaps she's a bit of a bitch. Oh well.

Other than that I've just been 'pottering' really; one of my favorite pastimes but also completely necessary as I'm skint!

I have been entertaining myself by writing a shopping list of things that I'm going to buy when I get paid on Thursday. I might even take the afternoon off so that I can spend all of my money without delay.

I have changed my status to 'married' on Facebook but am slightly disappointed that only one of my friends asked me what the wedding was like. I also got a little bit irritated with The Engineer for being so bloody pleased with himself for having reproduced. I mean I know that people are proud of their offspring and like to spout on about them but does that mean that they become totally oblivious to how boring it makes them sound?

I suppose that really my irritation is down to me being ever-so-slightly jealous - completely irrational as I don't want t kid at the moment, I want a job with O2 (that pays better and means that I'd be able to drive a Porsche - couldn't get a child seat in a Cayman).

Funny things - emotions.

OH MY GOD!

I haven't blogged for ages because I'm really bloody happy at the moment and therefore find it difficult to write... No one wants to hear happy; do they?

However, I'm well annoyed tonight. I've just been out with my beautiful cousin and she informed me that she's going to ask her insecure, part time drug dealer, ignorant yet opinionated boyfriend of four months to move in with her and her two year old son.

The last time I went out with my cousin I had the pleasure of experiencing said boyfriend lecturing me on how I should not be seeing two men at the same time and that I shouldn't expect him to set me up with his (emotionally and intellectually retarded) friends as they like 'nice girls' (i.e. girls who wear chastity belts if they're not in an exclusive relationship.

After I had expressed my concerns regarding her plans she invited the two bit drug dealer who demonstrates that money can't buy style to join us and when I informed them that I was leaving (about five minutes) after he arrived he had the cheek to protest that I was leaving on account of him arriving.

Further to this my other friend, who's boyfriend hit her a few weeks ago, has asked me to meet up with said wife beater and 'listen to what he has to say'. What's he got to say I wonder? Is he going to give me a valid reason for hitting her? I'm sure he could but that really isn't the point is it? I know a woman has a responsibility not to push a man to far but I still can't respect a man who raises his hand to a woman.

And now I'm the bad girl. Apparently I'm the one who is not supporting her friend and is therefore a bad friend.

I don't fucking care! At some point, someone has to stand up and say 'that's not right' and if you all think I'm an arsehole for doing it then SO BE IT.

For F*ck's Sake

I'm not really sure why not having a relationship seems to be taking up so much of my time and energy at the moment.

I'm happy. I have ambition - a goal. Something to work towards for me. Targets to hit (personal targets not targets set by my company). I'm working towards my freedom, my independence. This is the most fulfilled that I have ever felt because I'm laying the foundations of my life and I'm laying them in stone. I know that, unlike my mother, I will never need to be with someone - if I'm with them it will be because I want to be.

A man in my life at the moment (a full time one) would distract me from this. I've heard all that bollocks that people spout about it not being the case if you meet the right one... I don't believe it. In some way, to be with someone I would have to make some kind of compromise; have to change my dream in some way. I've done this in the past and it has always ended up with me compromising and ending up totally distracted from what I wanted and in a real pickle. Maybe one day there'll be someone that I'll be happy to be distracted by... Not today though.

If I'm going to get distracted again I want it to be by someone with whom I share a common goal, or someone who is happy to encourage me in achieving mine rather than tearing me down for wanting it. I want someone who equals my ambition, who has the same high standards as I do, who knows what the best bits of life are and how to appreciate them (that's about love not money).

Most of all I'd like to be with someone who considers my feelings as much as I consider theirs. Now then we'd have found treasure.

Until I find all that stuff I'm happy on my own.... So all you silly boys - stop trying to distract me!

What you doing Midge?

La la la...
What?
Oh... Whatever.

I've only been and gawn and bleedin' done it!

I did it. I hit my target - all the strife and effort and hard work and sleepless nights and preparation and effort have really, finally come into fruition. If you don't know; or if I didn't tell you (I can't remember); or indeed if you can't remember; hitting my target for this quarter was worth a £2k bonus.

Having lived with an income £200 below my expenditure (and not an extravagant expenditure - just essentials and prior commitments) for the last six months this target/bonus has been massively important.

I've got to say though - achieving it has been such a massive anti-climax and - as is my nature - I lost sleep last night thinking. This time though it was thinking about which debt I would pay with the bonus. Ha ha - got to worry about something!

The thing is, I've been struggling for so long to achieve such mammoth targets that now that I've restructured my life to make my targets more 'bite size' and easier to achieve I think I might miss the pressure.

But not much.

Pretty Flowers

So hard to write!

For so long I've written about being miserable; complained and bitched and so on... Now I'm happy I'm struggling to find my voice!

Midgey is having words at the moment and I could bitch about that but really - he's so lovely that I think i might even struggle with that.

I've been at my friend K's house tonight and she's it the first stages of falling in love - I told her and her new man something that my last boyfriend told to me in the hope that they don't wreck what they have in their pursuit of the ideal.

I told them that they had a flower in their hand, and if they looked down they would see they were standing in a little patch of flowers.... That if they let those flowers grow that maybe in some time they might be standing in a whole field of flowers and in time those flowers would stretch as far as the eye could see...

Me and my last boyfriend made an awful mess of things. I really hope K and her man don't.

What's all that about then?

I'm trying to work out why my cat like to be up to his elbows in water when he has a drink... Any ideas my lovelies?

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!

I've just looked at my phone and it appears that the message that I quoted earlier has not actually delivered... I've changed my phone settings so that the minimum 'validity period' for SMSs is enabled but would appreciate anyone's feedback on whether the message's validity period is set when you send the message or whether it can be influenced after you've sent it. I know I'm the one who works in the telecommunications industry but hey - is that the point?!

Everyone is having babies by the way... Oh yeah!! I'm going to be an aunty... I'm really chuffed... a little pinky baby to play with! My friend just had one too... 10.5 lbs... My goodness! Born on the 29th February too.. A special little person.

Celebrations!!

Today I secured an £8k p/a pay rise on my basic pay - this means that much of my hard work and effort over the last six months; my struggle in the face of adversity; my consistent effort, commitment to quality and down right hard work have paid off. I am smiling - oh yes!

However, as is my nature, I'd like to have a little moan about myself. I'm an idiot it seems. Despite the fact that I have a perfectly good relationship with The Engineer (a relationship which I believe, is - in actual fact - perfect for me,due to the lack of consideration I have to pay him when making life decisions, the small amount of time that he's around and further to that the fact that I only have to put up with him strolling in and changing the TV channel about once a week) I have recently become concerned that he is not sure of our boundaries. We had a discussion a few months ago and agreed that he has little to offer me in the way of commitment and thenceforth my understanding was that we were embarking on a purely physical relationship. Since then, however, he has seen fit to ask me to offer emotional support to him. I don't want to sound heartless for not wanting to get involved in his emotional stuff but I can't - because I'm human - see the relationship as purely physical when he is talking to me about his emotions.
I'm not entirely sure how to respond. I think that this situation has come about because he is not used to having purely physical relationships and not because he wants to be emotionally involved with me but equally I'd prefer it to be clear whether this is one thing or another.

In my infinite (alcohol induced) wisdom (and because I thought that he was jibbing my texts) I sent him a message saying - and I quote - 'Hey I love it when you pretend I don't exist or that you've lost or misplaced your phone or ignore me or whatever... I still don't know what you want from me but if it's just sex you've got to stop talking about your family stuff! xx'...

Poor bastard responded by saying that he'd been to the football (the actual ground) and that he'd text when he got home (though I don't think he'd read my text at this point) and then I felt a total tit. For thinking he was ignorig me mainly but also for being a total woman... For not being able to talk to him about stuff a bit too though... For not wanting to knock it on the head if need be even though I know that I'll be totally OK on my own ... A little bit of 'want more than you need' maybe?

Do I need him? Nah... But he makes me laugh and he's caring and funny... Is that a little bit of want?

Did you miss me?

I'm not sure that coming off the drugs was such a great idea. I'm down to one tablet every three days now and although this is part of the whole 'personal development plan' I'm now getting my old feelings back and the one that I remember being most keen to get rid of is fury.

This fury is mainly directed towards men; that'd be any man who tries to objectify me or stand in my way, who succeeds despite having put half the amount of effort in than I did, who earns 25% more than me because there's no chance he'll ever have to go on maternity leave, who can leave the pub when he wants because it's 75% safer for him to walk home alone, who doesn't have to put up with being told he's 'having a blonde moment', who can have a cat without being told it's a baby substitute, who can't - no matter how hard his female friend insists, repeats and explains - get it into his head that we'll never be more than just friends, who continually lets his emotions get in the way of a professional relationship and then criticises women for doing just that, for always thinking with their cock and believing that this absolves them from any moral responsibility, for never growing up and seeming to get away with it, for leering, for being physically stronger and therefore always slightly intimidating no matter how stupid, for lying and cheating, and for being able to lie and cheat but for some reason not being degraded or named for doing that, for still having an antiquarian attitude towards no strings sex when it's a woman having it, for bullshitting and for calling me 'love', 'babe', 'sweetheart' or 'darlin'' when he doesn't know me.

Does this work?

I'm trying to post from my BlackBerry so I hope this works.

Hmm... What have I been up to? Well I won a bottle of champagne at work so I drank that last night and as a result I have a bloody awful hangover. It was nice though. Reminded me of the good old days. I went out for dinner with my boss last night and he insisted on having a stupid soppy look on his face. I told him to sort himself out and that if he didn't stop it we could no longer have contact outside of work. I wish he didn't fancy me.

Last one tonight I promise!

Married men; they're alright for a while and then they get all sentimental... (about their wives, not me) All I really want is a man who's not totally self absorbed.

However; recently I've realised that the only reason married men don't appear self absorbed is that they're emotionally absorbed elsewhere (i.e. with their wives/children/pets). They're probably still making the wife think about what's best for him.

If I have to have a bloke then I want one who gives me empathy, encouragement and reassurance. I give these without even having to think about it... Are there men who do that? These days I've just been settling for those who don't try to inhibit my way of life... Human relations present so many complex emotions! Though I suppose if it were less emotional it would be less interesting.

Remember this - I'm writing it here so I do.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

Richard David Bach

Porn and Fraud

Had a new experience today; I think I'll call it 'porn prejudice'.

I've only just realised that some dodgy internet company has been taking money out of my account regularly. I called my bank as I'm certain that I haven't agreed to any kind of subscription charges (I haven't been doing much surfing in recent months) and asked them to stop the company from taking money from my account. I was informed at this point that the company was an 'adult website' and that I may have agreed to subscription charges. They gave me a number to call to clarify what was happening.

I called the number - it wasn't in service so I called my bank back and asked them to stop the payment. The woman on the end of the phone asked me (in a snotty tone) whether I knew what kind of site this was relating to. Er, yeah - I was told that the first time round... Just because I visit 'adult' sites does that mean that those sites have carte blanche to rip me off?! Yeah, alright bank lady. Any chance I could borrow your twin set?

Sick and tired.

Keeping a positive attitude up when you're not predisposed towards it is very difficult.

Whilst I must confess that much of what I set out to achieve throughout January I have accomplished; I still have some major issues that it seems the society in which I live is unwilling to lend a hand with. I'm speaking mainly of my debts - the majority of which I acquired educating myself. I'm reading a self help book at the moment that says that the statement 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer' is a fallacy but at the moment I'm not sure that I agree. I've been trying to survive on my basic wage (about £18k) for the last 6 months and it's practically impossible when you're accustomed to earning - and have budgeted for earning - more than double that. The more money I try to borrow to cover my outgoings, the more I fall behind, the more I can't afford to fix the problem. What are you supposed to do when your incomings fall £300 short of your outgoings? I can't stomach the idea of changing my lifestyle drastically (i.e. moving out of my flat into something more 'affordable') as I know that long term I can afford to live this way - my financial problems are a short term issue. The bank, however, are not so convinced (though they are thieving scum who think that £35 is a reasonable sum to charge for sending a letter).

My manager compared me today to a little duck - everything looks OK on the surface but under the water my legs are going like fuck to keep me swimming against the current. How true!

I'm sure that somewhere along this line a mysterious benefactor is supposed to step in.

There are worse things that could be happening though. I'm healthy and so is my family. No matter how skint I get they can't take away my education. My cat loves me and I've got all my limbs... I might be getting the hang of this positive thinking!

Cat? Check. Job? Check. Car? Oh for fuck's sake.

Why does it seem that no sooner than you have one part of your life sorted out, another part falls to bits on you?

Due to recent experience I'd have to put this down to the fact that if you concentrate on one aspect of your life too hard you end up neglecting other parts - simple parts. Things like topping up your oil. You think 'that'll wait for a bit' and then the fucking engine blows up. Bastard.

Got to get a new engine now. Just think; could've spent a fiver and five minutes... Instead? Don't know how much time or money this is going to take to fix.
Got a new cat though! He's massive and looks like Mac really but about seven times the size. His name is 'Midge' and he is 6 years old and only cost me £20 to re home! Very noble and very thrifty I'm sure you'll agree. Means I can buy me a diamond with my bonus (neither noble or thrifty). Can't wait - got to prove to myself how much I love me!

I have also finally told my editor that I can't do the article on that musician that I mentioned. A wise man once told me that 'you can't push a piece of string'. I'm not pushing anymore. He couldn't even be bothered to answer my phone call to do a telephone interview - how rude is that?

Still on this stupid diet. I'm losing about 1lb per day but I miss chocolate so much. I realised earlier today that the only thing that I haven't banned myself from doing is cocaine but I haven't even been doing that! K said that someone asked after me when she was out the other night and she said 'The Princess has stopped smoking, drinking, eating and is never going out again'. Small sacrifices for my bigger dream I think.

I had to give my boss a bollocking for poking his nose where it wasn't wanted yesterday. I grant that I have a close relationship with him and have asked for his assistance with my personal finances in the past, but there has to be a line... He started asking pertinent questions about The Engineer and whether he has informed his wife about our 'relationship' (recently this has been a 'text only' relationship hence the inverted commas). This is not something that I desire but he was implying that The Engineer is of poor character due to this 'deception' which really pissed me off. More so I think because my boss is not speaking from an unbiased viewpoint (he told me again that he wished we were lovers at the weekend - which he got another huge bollocking for). What is it with men? Ask for a bit of help and they think they can take control of you!

To be honest, at the moment I'm not sure I could be bothered with a full time relationship. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want from my life and one of those things is to be debt free by December (before you start chiming in saying 'buying a diamond isn't the best way' don't worry - I've budgeted for it. It'll be second hand and there must be treats if I am to succeed) and as such I need to really concentrate on my career. In my experience, falling in love does not make me more productive, it makes me less so. Men also generally need too much attention (at least the ones that I've previously picked do) and also, factoring someone else in at the moment just seems like hard work! Further to that; I seem to remember that when you're in a relationship you have to think about someone else when you make decisions. Don't think I want to do that.

Day off.

I have taken the day off today. My plan was to got to the bank and then to do that interview with that musician. I went to the bank and it transpired that their systems had crashed so I have to go back on Monday now anyway. It's just occurred to me that that's the kind of thing that used to send me into a fit but today it hasn't. A marked improvement I think.

With regards to the musician - he 'broke down' last night and had to stay in London so I still haven't done the interview. I think I might just write it anyway. It'll read;

S***** W*****
Total cunt.

What do you think? Don't know if my editor will go for it.

I also had my car washed (always makes me feel happy) and then paid my £194.95 vet bill. I think that would've been less painful had he lived - though of course I can't be sure.

I'm also back on the Atkin's Plan. Before anyone tells me off I'd like to point out that the last time I went on it I was a bit mental and at the moment I'm definitely not mental. Nope.

It's only for a couple of weeks anyway. I have no patience for dieting and all I want is for all my work clothes to fit properly again. I can't afford to buy new ones at the moment. Anyway - at least it stops me from drinking.

I dislike musicians and love everything else.

Musicians! They're so annoying! I'm supposed to be writing an article about a certain DJ/artist and had arranged the interview for last night. I obviously didn't make any other plans and called said artist in the early evening only to get no answer; no return call and no apology since. I don't know what's happened (and I'm aware that if it turns out he's been hit by a bus I'll feel really bad) but HOW ANNOYING?! Like I have nothing better to do with my time than wait around for a bloke who spends most of his time stoned or with his head stuck up his arse.

Other news; got some flowers delivered to me at work today. No matter how hard I try I can't help but get stupidly girly about this type of thing. Don't worry though - I didn't send them to myself.

This photo is to prove to you that I've always been a bit mental about cats and to show you that if I don't get a new one I might end up nicking a baby. You wouldn't want that now would you?

The cat poking her pretty little face out of the pram was called 'Pippy' and I used to feed her milk from a doll's bottle that I had. She enjoyed it almost as much as I did I'm sure.

I don't think I could ever have enough things to love. Humans, rats, cats, fish... Whatever. The more there is the more it grows.

Ha ha!

Nothing much to report I'm pleased to say. I have just bought a load of cheesy music that I can sing along to when out on appointments or bored stiff at book fairs or, indeed, out for a run! Newbie; you would be proud of my selection I'm sure. Further to this my boss told me today that there is a strong chance that I may win the opportunity to meet the Spice Girls (so strong it is as he's going to ask a member of staff to draw a name from a hat - little will they know that my name is the only one in there!). This is going to be absolutely thrilling for me. I was too cool to like the Spice Girls in their heyday (though I knew all the words to their songs and some of the dances) but now that they dress in Roberto Cavalli I feel well within my rights to be a super fan.

I have become a little disenchanted with certain friends for babbling meaningless twaddle (even more than I do) when I am trying to concentrate on the more important things in life and I'm trying to think of ways to associate with people who want to do something and get somewhere... Suggestions on a postcard please!

The main focus of my attention at the moment is trying to get myself into a position where I can actually afford to live on my own. This, I believe, would bring me a vast amount of security. I would be able to concentrate on my dreams much more effectively I'm sure if I didn't have to worry about how to pay the bills. At present though - thanks mostly to my father - the wolf is being kept from the door and I have enough space to consider my next move.

Haven't smoked for two weeks now... My flat looks and smells beautifully clean. My kitten is now two weeks old (he was born on the day that I quit) and it won't be long before I can meet him for the first time. How exciting!

Love is...

As I believe I mentioned in my last post I've been concentrating hard on trying to sort some important aspects of my life out (mainly my debts and my career) during the self-examination I've been looking into my past relationships and how they've effected my self esteem and as a knock on it's made me think about what I want from future relationships.

It took a while for the penny to drop with me about what love is - this little sequence of events showed me;

The other night my mate J stayed over and she doesn't like my rat, Splinter. I didn't want to keep him locked up all night (he's been completely free range since I had my pussy cat put down) and I always stay on the sofa when my mates stay because I can't stand them moaning about my snoring! So - I brought the rat into the living room with me and shut the living room door. Before I went to bed I took a selection of treats out and left them around the room for him to find on his travels (paying particular attention to ensure that it was all stuff he really loves). At about half past five in the morning he woke me up by biting my nose. Not hard - just a love nip. I gave him a little stroke and thought 'how sweet' and went back to sleep.

That is what I want from my next relationship. Someone who pays enough attention to the things I like and gives me little treats to make me feel happy, is willing to put themselves out to ensure that I'm comfortable and doesn't overreact when I wake them up in the early hours of the morning. If I can do it for my rat the someone can do it for me.

I feel a tiny bit of what Abby Lee felt....

...When her true identity was exposed and all of her 'conquests' read what she'd written about them. I stupidly showed a section of my blog to The Engineer on Sunday thinking that like most of my friends he'd forget it instantly or not bother too look at it or whatever. While texting him last night (yeah I know I'm not supposed to be) I told him that I'd posted about him and he immediately looked it up and started texting me bits that I'd written!! Oh my God! I don't think I've blushed so much since my best mate's mum walked in on me pinning her son down and forcing him to kiss me (I was about 7 at the time and it was, until recently, the most embarrassing experience of my life).

There is something really horrible about someone reading your thoughts about them - particularly if you don't know them very well and even more so if you fancy the person. So yes - very embarrassing. His only complaint was that I made it sound like he'd played me (which made me even more sweet on him). I've asked him not to read the rest and I don't think he will.

He also said that he'd stop texting me when he's sorted out the timer on my immersion heater, which made me feel a bit sad actually.

Good news on the work front; I've laid down the law to my new boss after he told me that he'd 'made up his mind' that he wanted to marry me and that when he makes up his mind that he wants something - he gets it. Scary stuff. So, yeah - I told him that I needed to concentrate on work and that I didn't need any distractions - including him - and that I want to marry a young man! That seems to have sorted him out.

He has also told me that I've been 'marked' by him and the MD for a management role and that he's decided that he's happy with me and wants to keep me but that he hasn't decided about the two other people that he employed at the same time as me. I liked that - gave me an ego boost. Particularly good as I have to bite my tongue while said new starters lecture me about my work methods and ethics. He's also let me in a quite a few secrets that the other members of staff are as yet oblivious to. I have closed my first three deals now which is encouraging. Bring on the Champagne incentives!

Oh, and P.S.

Still not smoking - day 8!

The Engineer

OK, so I've got a new one. 'The Engineer'. The Carpenter went away for a bit; long enough for me to realise that he didn't make me feel special. I want to feel special. I've been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last couple of weeks and if I'm putting this much effort in to me then someone else should too (no smutty comments please).

So! The Engineer. First boy to ever buy me a Valentine (when I was about 9 he put a fluffy heart in my drawer at primary school), snogged him at the school leaving party when I was 15 and resisted his clumsy efforts to drag me upstairs for an more intensly uncomfortable fumble.

We hadn't seen each other since we left school, bumped into one another again on Facebook and have kept in touch from there. I met him out for a drink a few weeks ago (both with friends in tow) and discovered that we had a similar level of enthusiasm for doing shots. I like the way he dances too... a kind of clown step - really cute.

He really started to endear himself to me when I told him that my cat was dying. He text me about four times a day to make sure that I was doing OK and keeping my chin up. Let's face it; anyone who knows me knows that I don't lack offers for sex; it's emotional support that I'm missing. So yeah, he was sweet and it got my attention. I invited him round to keep me company the Saturday that I had Baby Maccy put down and he was really nice to be with. I drank a bit too much and felt a bit self conscious and a bit worried that I might do something stupid (which I probably did, probably by saying something about being crap at relationships and wanting a baby no doubt) so yeah - pretty obvious that I'd started to fancy him.

After that we were texting about a million times a day... Things got a bit suggestive at times. He came over on Sunday evening and when I kissed him I could remember his smell. I hadn't forgotten the sensation of what it's like to kiss him and it was all good. He's sweet and kind and his morals are in line with my own and stuff. He loves his family and has a job and a car (ha ha... new one for me this).

The catch? Well - he's married, just about to separate from his wife and has a 16 month old son.

God knows how I do it. I seem to have an ability to attract emotionally unavailable men. Having examined this idea I came to the conclusion that I don't attract them but simply don't tell the buggers to bugger off. So I think; 'I'm not making that mistake again' and asked him on Sunday what he wanted from me. He said that he'd thought about it and that he'd realised that he couldn't give me what I 'needed' and that he'd thought about me saying that I want a kid and that there was no way that he could even think about having any more children for a few years. I explained to him that for me, it's not really about having children straight away but more about being in an emotionally supportive, intimate relationship where in the future, children are a possibility. I also explained that this is not something I 'need' but something that I want. This is something that my ex taught me; in relationships you should always 'want more than you need'. Think about it, apply it to your experiences and tell me if you think I'm wrong.

So after that he admitted that he couldn't give me what I want. I asked him to stop 'persuing' me (texting and stuff) and asked him to be strong with this as it wasn't fair for him to romance me when he couldn't give me what I want, and I told him that he could try to get back in touch when he'd left his wife and sorted himself out and maybe I'd still be single. He said I should've gone upstairs with him when we were 15 - ha ha.

So has he stopped texting? Has he bollocks! Men, eh?

Everything is annoying.

I suppose a few things aren't but I wanted to get your attention.

My dad helped me out with some money (again) tonight... I spent a bit of time trying to express what I'm trying to do at the moment (knuckle down and focus on getting myself out of financial difficulty in a nutshell) and trying to overcome my 'low self esteem' which I have recently acknowledged as being a part of me and a problem and something that is holding me back.

Bloody hard though - addressing the 'roots' of any problem. Tends to dredge up a load of crap that you'd be happier (short term) leaving buried. Not only that but it makes you really annoyed with your parents. It's not that I blame them for my low self esteem - they did everything they did because they love me. You have to try and get down to the nitty gritty of how you (probably wrongly) perceived their actions. And that, is a ball ache at least and incredibly emotionally unsettling at worst.

I think the hardest part is my mother's reaction to it all. She lacks the ability to be objective about any situation and brings all of her own emotional baggage with her to any discussion. At times like this I find it hard to have her in the room while I discuss my financial issues with my dad. She has an impoverished attitude towards life in many ways. A month or two ago she sent me a message saying 'maybe you're aiming too high'. I know what she meant but who says that to their children?!

Thing is; most of my problems are down to starting a new sales job and having to build my pipeline from scratch. Anything that I could alter to save any significant amount of money would take a couple of months and by then I'll be earning enough to keep whatever it is anyway. I need a short term fix - the long term solution is being put in place; I'm learning to budget.

Papa on the other hand is telling me that I shouldn't get another kitten until I have completely resolved my financial situation. NO PAPA!! BAD ADVICE. Everyone needs something to make them happy and a goal to aim for don't they?

OMG!!

I was having text sex with a new bloke (who, from now on I will refer to as 'The Engineer' - though I'm pretty sweet on him, so it seems a bit harsh to categorise him) and I realised JUST HOW LONG it's been since someone actually went down on me and gave a shit about what they were doing. I reckon it's about TWO YEARS!! Christ! No wonder I'm fucking miserable... This needs rectifying!

I've been reading a book on how to overcome low self esteem; The Ex has a lot to answer for I can tell you. Me thinking it's acceptable to forego oral sex is one of those things.

Good news; my new kitten was born yesterday... His parent's name's are 'Dazzledots Total Eclipse' and 'Glitterglam Pussy Galore' - how camp is that? I'm going to have to find a really masculine name for him. What could be better than 'Machiavelli' or 'Mac' as I knew him?! Suggestions on a postcard please; though I'm considering Arthur - after Schopenhauer.

If anyone would like to donate £10 to the 'Princess can't live without a baby (cat)' fund then let me know... Arthur will cost me £500 and the vet bill for the tests on my baby was £154 - not sure how much 'euthanasia' costs but I'm sure the bill is in the post.

Thank you for the love and stuff you have sent... I'll keep you updated with pictures of Arthur (anyone with me in thinking I may have named him already?) as they come through.

PS... I've quit smoking.

Life is a cunt.

It's FIP.

Life would be better if...

...my cat wasn't dying. I took him to the vet's today and he's got one of two things; FIP or a heart condition. If it's FIP then it's almost certain death. If it's a heart condition then who knows?

I can't help hating this... Reminds me of a time when I lost another baby.

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.