Friday, 28 March 2008

What you doing Midge?

La la la...
Oh... Whatever.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

I've only been and gawn and bleedin' done it!

I did it. I hit my target - all the strife and effort and hard work and sleepless nights and preparation and effort have really, finally come into fruition. If you don't know; or if I didn't tell you (I can't remember); or indeed if you can't remember; hitting my target for this quarter was worth a £2k bonus.

Having lived with an income £200 below my expenditure (and not an extravagant expenditure - just essentials and prior commitments) for the last six months this target/bonus has been massively important.

I've got to say though - achieving it has been such a massive anti-climax and - as is my nature - I lost sleep last night thinking. This time though it was thinking about which debt I would pay with the bonus. Ha ha - got to worry about something!

The thing is, I've been struggling for so long to achieve such mammoth targets that now that I've restructured my life to make my targets more 'bite size' and easier to achieve I think I might miss the pressure.

But not much.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Pretty Flowers

So hard to write!

For so long I've written about being miserable; complained and bitched and so on... Now I'm happy I'm struggling to find my voice!

Midgey is having words at the moment and I could bitch about that but really - he's so lovely that I think i might even struggle with that.

I've been at my friend K's house tonight and she's it the first stages of falling in love - I told her and her new man something that my last boyfriend told to me in the hope that they don't wreck what they have in their pursuit of the ideal.

I told them that they had a flower in their hand, and if they looked down they would see they were standing in a little patch of flowers.... That if they let those flowers grow that maybe in some time they might be standing in a whole field of flowers and in time those flowers would stretch as far as the eye could see...

Me and my last boyfriend made an awful mess of things. I really hope K and her man don't.

Friday, 7 March 2008

What's all that about then?

I'm trying to work out why my cat like to be up to his elbows in water when he has a drink... Any ideas my lovelies?

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!

I've just looked at my phone and it appears that the message that I quoted earlier has not actually delivered... I've changed my phone settings so that the minimum 'validity period' for SMSs is enabled but would appreciate anyone's feedback on whether the message's validity period is set when you send the message or whether it can be influenced after you've sent it. I know I'm the one who works in the telecommunications industry but hey - is that the point?!

Everyone is having babies by the way... Oh yeah!! I'm going to be an aunty... I'm really chuffed... a little pinky baby to play with! My friend just had one too... 10.5 lbs... My goodness! Born on the 29th February too.. A special little person.


Today I secured an £8k p/a pay rise on my basic pay - this means that much of my hard work and effort over the last six months; my struggle in the face of adversity; my consistent effort, commitment to quality and down right hard work have paid off. I am smiling - oh yes!

However, as is my nature, I'd like to have a little moan about myself. I'm an idiot it seems. Despite the fact that I have a perfectly good relationship with The Engineer (a relationship which I believe, is - in actual fact - perfect for me,due to the lack of consideration I have to pay him when making life decisions, the small amount of time that he's around and further to that the fact that I only have to put up with him strolling in and changing the TV channel about once a week) I have recently become concerned that he is not sure of our boundaries. We had a discussion a few months ago and agreed that he has little to offer me in the way of commitment and thenceforth my understanding was that we were embarking on a purely physical relationship. Since then, however, he has seen fit to ask me to offer emotional support to him. I don't want to sound heartless for not wanting to get involved in his emotional stuff but I can't - because I'm human - see the relationship as purely physical when he is talking to me about his emotions.
I'm not entirely sure how to respond. I think that this situation has come about because he is not used to having purely physical relationships and not because he wants to be emotionally involved with me but equally I'd prefer it to be clear whether this is one thing or another.

In my infinite (alcohol induced) wisdom (and because I thought that he was jibbing my texts) I sent him a message saying - and I quote - 'Hey I love it when you pretend I don't exist or that you've lost or misplaced your phone or ignore me or whatever... I still don't know what you want from me but if it's just sex you've got to stop talking about your family stuff! xx'...

Poor bastard responded by saying that he'd been to the football (the actual ground) and that he'd text when he got home (though I don't think he'd read my text at this point) and then I felt a total tit. For thinking he was ignorig me mainly but also for being a total woman... For not being able to talk to him about stuff a bit too though... For not wanting to knock it on the head if need be even though I know that I'll be totally OK on my own ... A little bit of 'want more than you need' maybe?

Do I need him? Nah... But he makes me laugh and he's caring and funny... Is that a little bit of want?

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Did you miss me?

I'm not sure that coming off the drugs was such a great idea. I'm down to one tablet every three days now and although this is part of the whole 'personal development plan' I'm now getting my old feelings back and the one that I remember being most keen to get rid of is fury.

This fury is mainly directed towards men; that'd be any man who tries to objectify me or stand in my way, who succeeds despite having put half the amount of effort in than I did, who earns 25% more than me because there's no chance he'll ever have to go on maternity leave, who can leave the pub when he wants because it's 75% safer for him to walk home alone, who doesn't have to put up with being told he's 'having a blonde moment', who can have a cat without being told it's a baby substitute, who can't - no matter how hard his female friend insists, repeats and explains - get it into his head that we'll never be more than just friends, who continually lets his emotions get in the way of a professional relationship and then criticises women for doing just that, for always thinking with their cock and believing that this absolves them from any moral responsibility, for never growing up and seeming to get away with it, for leering, for being physically stronger and therefore always slightly intimidating no matter how stupid, for lying and cheating, and for being able to lie and cheat but for some reason not being degraded or named for doing that, for still having an antiquarian attitude towards no strings sex when it's a woman having it, for bullshitting and for calling me 'love', 'babe', 'sweetheart' or 'darlin'' when he doesn't know me.