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Why does it seem that no sooner than you have one part of your life sorted out, another part falls to bits on you?
Due to recent experience I'd have to put this down to the fact that if you concentrate on one aspect of your life too hard you end up neglecting other parts - simple parts. Things like topping up your oil. You think 'that'll wait for a bit' and then the fucking engine blows up. Bastard.
Got to get a new engine now. Just think; could've spent a fiver and five minutes... Instead? Don't know how much time or money this is going to take to fix.
Got a new cat though! He's massive and looks like Mac really but about seven times the size. His name is 'Midge' and he is 6 years old and only cost me £20 to re home! Very noble and very thrifty I'm sure you'll agree. Means I can buy me a diamond with my bonus (neither noble or thrifty). Can't wait - got to prove to myself how much I love me!
I have also finally told my editor that I can't do the article on that musician that I mentioned. A wise man once told me that 'you can't push a piece of string'. I'm not pushing anymore. He couldn't even be bothered to answer my phone call to do a telephone interview - how rude is that?
Still on this stupid diet. I'm losing about 1lb per day but I miss chocolate so much. I realised earlier today that the only thing that I haven't banned myself from doing is cocaine but I haven't even been doing that! K said that someone asked after me when she was out the other night and she said 'The Princess has stopped smoking, drinking, eating and is never going out again'. Small sacrifices for my bigger dream I think.
I had to give my boss a bollocking for poking his nose where it wasn't wanted yesterday. I grant that I have a close relationship with him and have asked for his assistance with my personal finances in the past, but there has to be a line... He started asking pertinent questions about The Engineer and whether he has informed his wife about our 'relationship' (recently this has been a 'text only' relationship hence the inverted commas). This is not something that I desire but he was implying that The Engineer is of poor character due to this 'deception' which really pissed me off. More so I think because my boss is not speaking from an unbiased viewpoint (he told me again that he wished we were lovers at the weekend - which he got another huge bollocking for). What is it with men? Ask for a bit of help and they think they can take control of you!
To be honest, at the moment I'm not sure I could be bothered with a full time relationship. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want from my life and one of those things is to be debt free by December (before you start chiming in saying 'buying a diamond isn't the best way' don't worry - I've budgeted for it. It'll be second hand and there must be treats if I am to succeed) and as such I need to really concentrate on my career. In my experience, falling in love does not make me more productive, it makes me less so. Men also generally need too much attention (at least the ones that I've previously picked do) and also, factoring someone else in at the moment just seems like hard work! Further to that; I seem to remember that when you're in a relationship you have to think about someone else when you make decisions. Don't think I want to do that.
I have taken the day off today. My plan was to got to the bank and then to do that interview with that musician. I went to the bank and it transpired that their systems had crashed so I have to go back on Monday now anyway. It's just occurred to me that that's the kind of thing that used to send me into a fit but today it hasn't. A marked improvement I think.
With regards to the musician - he 'broke down' last night and had to stay in London so I still haven't done the interview. I think I might just write it anyway. It'll read;
S***** W*****
Total cunt.
What do you think? Don't know if my editor will go for it.
I also had my car washed (always makes me feel happy) and then paid my £194.95 vet bill. I think that would've been less painful had he lived - though of course I can't be sure.
I'm also back on the Atkin's Plan. Before anyone tells me off I'd like to point out that the last time I went on it I was a bit mental and at the moment I'm definitely not mental. Nope.
It's only for a couple of weeks anyway. I have no patience for dieting and all I want is for all my work clothes to fit properly again. I can't afford to buy new ones at the moment. Anyway - at least it stops me from drinking.
Musicians! They're so annoying! I'm supposed to be writing an article about a certain DJ/artist and had arranged the interview for last night. I obviously didn't make any other plans and called said artist in the early evening only to get no answer; no return call and no apology since. I don't know what's happened (and I'm aware that if it turns out he's been hit by a bus I'll feel really bad) but HOW ANNOYING?! Like I have nothing better to do with my time than wait around for a bloke who spends most of his time stoned or with his head stuck up his arse.
Other news; got some flowers delivered to me at work today. No matter how hard I try I can't help but get stupidly girly about this type of thing. Don't worry though - I didn't send them to myself.
This photo is to prove to you that I've always been a bit mental about cats and to show you that if I don't get a new one I might end up nicking a baby. You wouldn't want that now would you?
The cat poking her pretty little face out of the pram was called 'Pippy' and I used to feed her milk from a doll's bottle that I had. She enjoyed it almost as much as I did I'm sure.
I don't think I could ever have enough things to love. Humans, rats, cats, fish... Whatever. The more there is the more it grows.
Nothing much to report I'm pleased to say. I have just bought a load of cheesy music that I can sing along to when out on appointments or bored stiff at book fairs or, indeed, out for a run! Newbie; you would be proud of my selection I'm sure. Further to this my boss told me today that there is a strong chance that I may win the opportunity to meet the Spice Girls (so strong it is as he's going to ask a member of staff to draw a name from a hat - little will they know that my name is the only one in there!). This is going to be absolutely thrilling for me. I was too cool to like the Spice Girls in their heyday (though I knew all the words to their songs and some of the dances) but now that they dress in Roberto Cavalli I feel well within my rights to be a super fan.
I have become a little disenchanted with certain friends for babbling meaningless twaddle (even more than I do) when I am trying to concentrate on the more important things in life and I'm trying to think of ways to associate with people who want to do something and get somewhere... Suggestions on a postcard please!
The main focus of my attention at the moment is trying to get myself into a position where I can actually afford to live on my own. This, I believe, would bring me a vast amount of security. I would be able to concentrate on my dreams much more effectively I'm sure if I didn't have to worry about how to pay the bills. At present though - thanks mostly to my father - the wolf is being kept from the door and I have enough space to consider my next move.
Haven't smoked for two weeks now... My flat looks and smells beautifully clean. My kitten is now two weeks old (he was born on the day that I quit) and it won't be long before I can meet him for the first time. How exciting!
As I believe I mentioned in my last post I've been concentrating hard on trying to sort some important aspects of my life out (mainly my debts and my career) during the self-examination I've been looking into my past relationships and how they've effected my self esteem and as a knock on it's made me think about what I want from future relationships.
It took a while for the penny to drop with me about what love is - this little sequence of events showed me;
The other night my mate J stayed over and she doesn't like my rat, Splinter. I didn't want to keep him locked up all night (he's been completely free range since I had my pussy cat put down) and I always stay on the sofa when my mates stay because I can't stand them moaning about my snoring! So - I brought the rat into the living room with me and shut the living room door. Before I went to bed I took a selection of treats out and left them around the room for him to find on his travels (paying particular attention to ensure that it was all stuff he really loves). At about half past five in the morning he woke me up by biting my nose. Not hard - just a love nip. I gave him a little stroke and thought 'how sweet' and went back to sleep.
That is what I want from my next relationship. Someone who pays enough attention to the things I like and gives me little treats to make me feel happy, is willing to put themselves out to ensure that I'm comfortable and doesn't overreact when I wake them up in the early hours of the morning. If I can do it for my rat the someone can do it for me.
...When her true identity was exposed and all of her 'conquests' read what she'd written about them. I stupidly showed a section of my blog to The Engineer on Sunday thinking that like most of my friends he'd forget it instantly or not bother too look at it or whatever. While texting him last night (yeah I know I'm not supposed to be) I told him that I'd posted about him and he immediately looked it up and started texting me bits that I'd written!! Oh my God! I don't think I've blushed so much since my best mate's mum walked in on me pinning her son down and forcing him to kiss me (I was about 7 at the time and it was, until recently, the most embarrassing experience of my life).
There is something really horrible about someone reading your thoughts about them - particularly if you don't know them very well and even more so if you fancy the person. So yes - very embarrassing. His only complaint was that I made it sound like he'd played me (which made me even more sweet on him). I've asked him not to read the rest and I don't think he will.
He also said that he'd stop texting me when he's sorted out the timer on my immersion heater, which made me feel a bit sad actually.
Good news on the work front; I've laid down the law to my new boss after he told me that he'd 'made up his mind' that he wanted to marry me and that when he makes up his mind that he wants something - he gets it. Scary stuff. So, yeah - I told him that I needed to concentrate on work and that I didn't need any distractions - including him - and that I want to marry a young man! That seems to have sorted him out.
He has also told me that I've been 'marked' by him and the MD for a management role and that he's decided that he's happy with me and wants to keep me but that he hasn't decided about the two other people that he employed at the same time as me. I liked that - gave me an ego boost. Particularly good as I have to bite my tongue while said new starters lecture me about my work methods and ethics. He's also let me in a quite a few secrets that the other members of staff are as yet oblivious to. I have closed my first three deals now which is encouraging. Bring on the Champagne incentives!
Still not smoking - day 8!
OK, so I've got a new one. 'The Engineer'. The Carpenter went away for a bit; long enough for me to realise that he didn't make me feel special. I want to feel special. I've been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last couple of weeks and if I'm putting this much effort in to me then someone else should too (no smutty comments please).So! The Engineer. First boy to ever buy me a Valentine (when I was about 9 he put a fluffy heart in my drawer at primary school), snogged him at the school leaving party when I was 15 and resisted his clumsy efforts to drag me upstairs for an more intensly uncomfortable fumble.We hadn't seen each other since we left school, bumped into one another again on Facebook and have kept in touch from there. I met him out for a drink a few weeks ago (both with friends in tow) and discovered that we had a similar level of enthusiasm for doing shots. I like the way he dances too... a kind of clown step - really cute.He really started to endear himself to me when I told him that my cat was dying. He text me about four times a day to make sure that I was doing OK and keeping my chin up. Let's face it; anyone who knows me knows that I don't lack offers for sex; it's emotional support that I'm missing. So yeah, he was sweet and it got my attention. I invited him round to keep me company the Saturday that I had Baby Maccy put down and he was really nice to be with. I drank a bit too much and felt a bit self conscious and a bit worried that I might do something stupid (which I probably did, probably by saying something about being crap at relationships and wanting a baby no doubt) so yeah - pretty obvious that I'd started to fancy him.After that we were texting about a million times a day... Things got a bit suggestive at times. He came over on Sunday evening and when I kissed him I could remember his smell. I hadn't forgotten the sensation of what it's like to kiss him and it was all good. He's sweet and kind and his morals are in line with my own and stuff. He loves his family and has a job and a car (ha ha... new one for me this).The catch? Well - he's married, just about to separate from his wife and has a 16 month old son.God knows how I do it. I seem to have an ability to attract emotionally unavailable men. Having examined this idea I came to the conclusion that I don't attract them but simply don't tell the buggers to bugger off. So I think; 'I'm not making that mistake again' and asked him on Sunday what he wanted from me. He said that he'd thought about it and that he'd realised that he couldn't give me what I 'needed' and that he'd thought about me saying that I want a kid and that there was no way that he could even think about having any more children for a few years. I explained to him that for me, it's not really about having children straight away but more about being in an emotionally supportive, intimate relationship where in the future, children are a possibility. I also explained that this is not something I 'need' but something that I want. This is something that my ex taught me; in relationships you should always 'want more than you need'. Think about it, apply it to your experiences and tell me if you think I'm wrong.So after that he admitted that he couldn't give me what I want. I asked him to stop 'persuing' me (texting and stuff) and asked him to be strong with this as it wasn't fair for him to romance me when he couldn't give me what I want, and I told him that he could try to get back in touch when he'd left his wife and sorted himself out and maybe I'd still be single. He said I should've gone upstairs with him when we were 15 - ha ha.So has he stopped texting? Has he bollocks! Men, eh?
I suppose a few things aren't but I wanted to get your attention.
My dad helped me out with some money (again) tonight... I spent a bit of time trying to express what I'm trying to do at the moment (knuckle down and focus on getting myself out of financial difficulty in a nutshell) and trying to overcome my 'low self esteem' which I have recently acknowledged as being a part of me and a problem and something that is holding me back.
Bloody hard though - addressing the 'roots' of any problem. Tends to dredge up a load of crap that you'd be happier (short term) leaving buried. Not only that but it makes you really annoyed with your parents. It's not that I blame them for my low self esteem - they did everything they did because they love me. You have to try and get down to the nitty gritty of how you (probably wrongly) perceived their actions. And that, is a ball ache at least and incredibly emotionally unsettling at worst.
I think the hardest part is my mother's reaction to it all. She lacks the ability to be objective about any situation and brings all of her own emotional baggage with her to any discussion. At times like this I find it hard to have her in the room while I discuss my financial issues with my dad. She has an impoverished attitude towards life in many ways. A month or two ago she sent me a message saying 'maybe you're aiming too high'. I know what she meant but who says that to their children?!
Thing is; most of my problems are down to starting a new sales job and having to build my pipeline from scratch. Anything that I could alter to save any significant amount of money would take a couple of months and by then I'll be earning enough to keep whatever it is anyway. I need a short term fix - the long term solution is being put in place; I'm learning to budget.
Papa on the other hand is telling me that I shouldn't get another kitten until I have completely resolved my financial situation. NO PAPA!! BAD ADVICE. Everyone needs something to make them happy and a goal to aim for don't they?
I was having text sex with a new bloke (who, from now on I will refer to as 'The Engineer' - though I'm pretty sweet on him, so it seems a bit harsh to categorise him) and I realised JUST HOW LONG it's been since someone actually went down on me and gave a shit about what they were doing. I reckon it's about TWO YEARS!! Christ! No wonder I'm fucking miserable... This needs rectifying!
I've been reading a book on how to overcome low self esteem; The Ex has a lot to answer for I can tell you. Me thinking it's acceptable to forego oral sex is one of those things.
Good news; my new kitten was born yesterday... His parent's name's are 'Dazzledots Total Eclipse' and 'Glitterglam Pussy Galore' - how camp is that? I'm going to have to find a really masculine name for him. What could be better than 'Machiavelli' or 'Mac' as I knew him?! Suggestions on a postcard please; though I'm considering Arthur - after Schopenhauer.
If anyone would like to donate £10 to the 'Princess can't live without a baby (cat)' fund then let me know... Arthur will cost me £500 and the vet bill for the tests on my baby was £154 - not sure how much 'euthanasia' costs but I'm sure the bill is in the post.
Thank you for the love and stuff you have sent... I'll keep you updated with pictures of Arthur (anyone with me in thinking I may have named him already?) as they come through.
PS... I've quit smoking.
...my cat wasn't dying. I took him to the vet's today and he's got one of two things; FIP or a heart condition. If it's FIP then it's almost certain death. If it's a heart condition then who knows?
I can't help hating this... Reminds me of a time when I lost another baby.
Hate it, hate it, hate it.
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.
Got a new cat though! He's massive and looks like Mac really but about seven times the size. His name is 'Midge' and he is 6 years old and only cost me £20 to re home! Very noble and very thrifty I'm sure you'll agree. Means I can buy me a diamond with my bonus (neither noble or thrifty). Can't wait - got to prove to myself how much I love me!
