Monday, 26 October 2009

In Danger of Becoming a Smug Couply Person

So I've (pretty much) come to terms with the fact that I am in a relationship. We've been seeing each other for like A WHOLE MONTH! Which is something of a record for me these days seeing as how he's not all like, emotionally unavailable an that.

No, this one doesn't have an ex girlfriend, or ex wife or ex anything to distract him and despite my previous panic I'm now actually enjoying being his 'girlfriend'. I even bought him a toothbrush. Now how's that for commitment?

The only thing I AM worried about is that I was on the phone to my single friend the other night (the one that I always used to complain to about the damn happy couply people with) and I started saying all the things that I used to hate. Like; 'it won't be like this forever, I never thought I'd meet anyone and then low and behold I met N in a place where I never thought I'd meet anyone' and 'no, if it's not right kick him to the curb... you need to be with someone who you KNOW is right - even if he doesn't tick all your boxes'.

I used to get so pissed off with people for saying that kind of thing. I'd think - 'how the hell do you know?! I could be on my own forever'. And now here I am throwing caution to the wind like all those other crazy fools that I've criticised in the past.

But you know what? N looks after me. He wants to help me out. He doesn't put me down or make me feel bad (even when I accidentally throw red wine all over his favorite shirt). He makes me feel good about being me and like maybe I may have a future with someone.

I checked in with my friend to make sure I wasn't being unbearable and she said not. I'm glad. I hope she'll tell me if I get like that.

And you know what? I'm just going to enjoy this feeling.

Now if I can just stop him going on about my biological clock....

Sunday, 4 October 2009

The Rise and Rise of the Commitmentophobe

Well I met a boy (man really), not on the internet but in real life and well - he's pretty keen. We get on really well, I fancy him, he fancies me but... Why is there always a but?

Despite the fact that I do really like him and I think the relationship has 'potential' (he knows how to discuss politics and he can spell and stuff) I still have this niggle... I'm scared of losing my freedom; my independence.

It's not that I think that all of a sudden he's going to stop me going out and seeing my mates and stuff like that; he doesn't strike me as the type. I'm scared of having to consider someone else. At all. Selfish aren't I?

We were talking last night (during a night in watching Strictly - how couply is that?!), chatting about family and so on and he said 'you'll have to meet my mum soon'. I can only imagine from his reaction that a look of sheer panic passed across my face because the next thing he said was 'have I said the wrong thing?'. What is UP with me?! Why does that freak me out so much - surely if you want to be in a relationship all that family meeting stuff is just par for the course..

I think my problem with it is that once you meet the family there is a certain level of expectation; from them, from you, and of the relationship. Or am I just freaking myself out? I think I may be.

So now I'm doing what I always do by thinking that if I'm having doubts then maybe it's not right. But I ALWAYS do that. And he's great - there is no reason that it shouldn't work apart from me being an idiot. I need to get my friends to sort me out I reckon.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009


Well the meeting went well. Thanks for your messages of support. I think it will be between me and another dealer and I should know within the next two weeks so keep everything crossed for me until then please!

I still haven't quite got over the representative from our partner company (who A also asked to mentor me) telling me that if I can't have a relationship without arguing then I have issues that I may need some 'help' to work out. Erm.. Thanks love - I need your help to sell into the corporate market. If I want relationship advice I'll write to Dear Deirdre.

I can't understand why so many people in my work-life are so obsessed with me finding a man. Yeah it'd be nice, but I'm not losing any sleep over it so why should they? I keep getting people telling me that it would 'stabilise' me. I'm not unstable! Piss off!

Had a good chat with A after the meeting too; there are lots of opportunities presenting themselves at work at the moment and I think I just have to bide my time and hopefully one that fits me will come along. Or - they'll just keep promoting my colleagues.

Monday, 21 September 2009


I've just come back from a run so I thought I'd knock out a quick post whilst the endorphins are still zipping about in my system; it's going to be a positive one.

Right, number a) I am going to be doing a presentation tomorrow that could be worth £38k. That would wipe the floor with James for the year. It's more that his accumulated profit so far. Fingers crossed guys.

Number b) I must say that I'm looking pretty good at the moment. My resolution when I came back from India was to start taking more care over my appearance and I have to say it's making me feel much better. Plus all the gym sessions and running means I'm slimmer and fitter than ever. Booyah!

Number c) If I do get this deal it would pay off the remainder of my debt in one go. Whoop!

Number d) I had a lovely weekend with my three favorite women in the world; my sister, my mum and my niece.

Life is not so bad; frustrating at times, but not so bad.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Saturation point.

I'll give you a brief overview of what has happened over the last week;

We have a new Ops Manager, as I may have mentioned. He's very flirty with all of the women and very much the diplomat. We have worked together on various different projects and I thought we were getting on really well.

The week before last, on a Friday I had a long conversation with A where we ironed out some of our differences (which is good) but he also dropped a bit of a bomb-shell which is that the Ops Manager was recommending my colleague, James, for promotion into the Sales Manager's role.

To make things clear to you guys, this is not a job that I want. I can't be bothered with the stress of being promoted above my colleagues. It's hard enough just to get on with them let alone having to manage them and I know that they'd be so bitter about it that they'd make it as hard as possible. I know that this is the role that A sees me in and maybe I'd do it within a different company as he's suggested before (like if he bought a company and I'd have new staff to manage) but this particular role? No thanks.

But I don't want James as my boss either. I know, I know... I sound like I'm being bitter but I can't help it. He's not even a team player let alone a people manager. He's lied and cheated and manipulated to get leads from management. He also makes a big thing about only working part time hours etc and as I said in my previous post, he's the one who has his work phone switched off when they track us on a Friday afternoon. James and I don't get on. How am I going to cope with having him telling me what to do?

So it's not set in stone (or so A told me) but the Ops Manager made the suggestion to A (Managing Director) and the Chairman and came straight out of the meeting and called James to tell him what he was recommending. James then called A to tell him how pleased he was. So how can A then say that it's not going to happen without undermining the Ops Manager? He can't. Clever Ops Manager.

The other tit bit of info that A gave me was that when he was chatting to the Ops Manager about me, when he suggested me for management the Ops manager winced. Can you believe that?

So in an endeavor to find out what the fudge is going on in this guy's head I asked to see both him and A to talk about my prospects within the organisation and the proposed new structure of the business. I went along with some great ideas for a new role for someone (i.e. me) to manage the relationship between our company and the business partner companies - the other companies who's products we sell. Whilst in the meeting A repeatedly tried (by taking various hypothetical positions out of the equations) to make me say that I wanted the sales manager's role which eventually I did, but like; 'if there was no other way I could move up within the company then yes, I would go for the sales manager role'. I then turned to the Ops Manager and said 'do you think that I would be good in a manager's role' and he replied; 'I don't know'.

Now I'm not being funny but if you thought that someone was so unsuitable for a role that when someone asks for your opinion you wince, surely you should have some kind of feedback as to why? The fact that he said 'I don't know' makes me think that he is not bothered about my development at all. So maybe if he'd have said, 'I think that you'd be more suited to....' or 'I think you have some areas to work on first, such as....' I'd think, OK, fair enough. I could work with that. But he didn't.

Since all this started I've had advice from A, and H, and my mum and just about everyone else and I have now reached saturation point. I'm exhausted by it. I'm just going to get my head down for a while and do my job. I'm not sure what to do about the job hunt either - maybe I should wait a while and see how the dust settles. I know that I'll have to apply for this position whether I want it or not so maybe I'll get something else out of it.

I can't help thinking that one of the reasons that the Ops Manager didn't put me forward is that I don't respond to his flirting and that he can't manipulate me. I also think that he's a little sexist and finds strong women quite intimidating. I have my suspicions that he has a really tiny penis too.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009


So you work your ass off; take as much advice as you can from the powers that be, go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you’re prepared for every meeting, state your intentions, let them all know how ambitious you are and help to improve the procedures within the company. You do all this and still self generate all of your own sales and come joint 1st on the league table.

He works part time hours on a full time contract. He states this in front of you and your colleagues on a regular basis, he doesn’t work on Fridays. He talks about sex openly and crudely in front of colleagues and business associates alike. When the company decides to track everyone, he’s the one with his phone switched off. He is given handed sales leads to convert and comes joint 1st on the league table.

So when it comes down to it; who gets offered a promotion?

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

100th Post!!

Is it too much to be looking for a new job and love at the same time? Probably. Can I sustain that level of rejection? Hmmm... Not sure.

I'm fed up with work. I'm fed up with busting my ass for sales only to have all the other elements involved fuck it all up at the last minute and I'm fed up of getting crap commission so I'm looking for a job. Not the best time though is it? Ah well - we'll see what happens.

On the love front; I messaged two blokes and they didn't message me back. What's all that about? I dunno - no wonder us women wait for the blokes to make the first move. But hey, I feel your pain fellas - you guys are expected to just get used to the rejection.

I'm also fed up of A not being able to keep his emotions in check. This is where everyone gets to have a little gloat cos they told me that my relationship with him would cause me problems. He needs to get his ass to Vipassana - that's where I learned to rationalise my emotions.

I'll let you know how it goes. Happy 100th my lovelies. x

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

A Good News Post

Lots of good news.

I have a new friend at work, H. She's from Belfast and has a similar work ethic to me. She's a bit more 'play hard' than I am these days but we're on par with the 'work hard' part. It's great because the friend that I used to talk to about work stress buggered off to Australia about 6 months ago so having someone to sound off to is a godsend. Also it's nice to have another strong female in my everyday life again. I'm fed up of being the only one.

I am also now my trainer's strongest lady client. Go me! I can now dumb bell press 12.5 kg. I'm impressed - I have no doubt you are too. Plus I am a whole stone lighter than I was when I started. K would like to feel proud of me but his relationship with me prevents him from doing so, so I am just gonna have to be proud of myself.

I have lots of big sales in the pipeline. Great news.

On the 'I'm not entirely sure if this is good news' front... I have a new boss and I think that he fancies me. I'm not wanting to sound conceited (though those of you who know me know that I am) or anything but most of my bosses seem to develop some kind of thing for me and I'm not sure why. At the moment it's just an feeling that I get from him - he makes a thing of having private 'in' jokes with me and points out how unprofessional that is. Tonight I called him about work and he kept me talking for over 25 minutes - not about work. I was telling him about training last night and he was saying that he had all these images of me in his head 'lifting weights and stuff'. What do you reckon? I reckon he wants a bit. Of course if anything were to happen it would be utterly disastrous... A would be horrified and would hate me because he thinks that he has some claim over me. It would be an insult to him if I went off with another older man; he wouldn't be able to rationalise his emotions and he'd be vile to me. I'm tempted to do it just for the drama.

Jokes! Not really guys. My days of throwing spanners in works are over. I'm a good girl now.

More good news - I'm going to bloody India! Woo hoo... On holiday. I'm really hoping to have a fantastic time, not like the time that I went to South Africa and HATED it. I am confident that it won't be like that because I'm going with like-minded people. Hopefully we will sit talking and philosophising and reminiscing until the early hours of each morning and spend our days drinking in the culture. I will be taking my journal in the hope that I find inspiration!

The next post will be my 100th! I'd better go and have an adventure to write about.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009


My life is stagnant. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. Good job, decent income, nice flat, no fuckwit to mess with my mind or interfere with my life... Things are good. Very good. I'm not drinking too much, quit smoking, go to the gym, I'm fit, healthy, slim. I get to work on time. Perform well (when service providers and networks don't fuck about with my sales), do what is expected of me and more... and so on and so on.

I'm just so frustrated. (Please God don't read this post and send some shit to come and keep me entertained, like cancer for a loved one or a fire to destroy my earthly possessions - I KNOW how lucky I am and am reminded that I must do more for charity... I did sponsor that bloke this week though...).

I need more; more than this job. I need to be stretched - I need to earn more so that I can have more freedom - I need to start fulfilling my potential. I need to take the next step. I have various things in the pipeline such as a wine business and a potential new sales job that doesn't have people who are in contracts that are set in stone. I'm pushing. Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough. Or not pushing the right spot.

I'm so frustrated that at times I wish I was one of those 'ordinary' people. That I could just plod through life in some boring job, satisfied with my lot. Maybe I could be a single mum on benefits. Maybe a housewife. But then I look at these people and realise that a) they're not happy and b) if I was one of them I'd hate myself. So I can't.

I can't help feeling frustrated. I'm frustrated with my sister for being the epitome of 'The Female Eunuch'. I'm frustrated with her not being able to identify why she's feeling so miserable - to see that it's her total lack of an identity that is making her feel so lost. I'm frustrated with my mother for not helping her to cope with her new baby. I'm frustrated that my mother expects people to be unhappy and begrudges them assistance when they struggle. I'm frustrated that she thinks that because I don't have a baby I have nothing in my life worth taking an interest in and that she thinks that I'M the one who's mixed up my priorities. I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a man (under the age of 50) that has the balls or conviction in his attraction to me to go out of his way to impress me. I'm also frustrated that I haven't met a man in the last 24 months that has anything to offer me other than shit, sanctimonious advice about how I'm getting it all wrong. Fuck you! I'd rather retire on a yacht than in a fucking teepee!

I need to move things on... Got to push on - got to make something, build something... Show the world what I can do. Got to buy my future freedom. This space is too small! I want more.

Monday, 29 June 2009

I Wish I Had Written This!

'The sophisticated argument is that promiscuity devalues sex, makes it commonplace, impersonal and so forth, but the kind of depression felt by the men forced by circumstances to be more or less promiscuous, like traveling musicians, is really still the same old disgust. Very few men who have slept around casually are able to converse humanely with the women who have extended their favours. Many a woman sorrowfully reflects that her more recherche sexual techniques, her more delicate apprehensions of her polymorphous partner's needs, her very sexual generosity has directly entailed her lover's eventual revulsion and estrangement. We may find a key to sexual outrage and murder in the inability of men to shed their inhibitions with the fine woman who is good enough to marry, and their terror and disgust at what the repressed desire eventually forces them to do. The worst aspect of prostitution is that many a prostitute must undergo the bestial rituals which civilised men find necessary for sexual release. Many prostitutes claim this as their social function. The unfortunate girls found strangled with their own stockings and raped with bottles are the victims of male fetishism and loathing, and yet no woman has ever cried out after such an outrage on her sex, 'Why do you hate us so?', although hate it clearly is.'

Germain Greer - The Female Eunuch 1970

Sunday, 28 June 2009

A Boring Catch-Up Post

I have been trying to think of things to write about for ages... I find it difficult to write when I'm not pissed off and I have to say that the majority of the time these days, I'm not pissed off.

I read back over some of my old posts the other day and was a little annoyed that most of them seem to be related to men. I feel that I must make an effort to redress this balance and I suppose this would be a good time to start since I don't have any in my life at the moment. (Though I did give up the whole celibacy thing cos it was a bit boring once I'd proved that I could do it).

I have now dieted myself back into my favorite pair of jeans which is great because I LOVE them and wear them every day, pretty much. I'm still really enjoying the fitness lark too - I have some impressive muscles... I don't look like a body builder or anything though. That would be yucky.

I'm missing not having a garden in this hot weather and I'm thinking if I don't change jobs soon I may need to think about moving; I could do with having a house with a garden. Midgey would like that too I think. I could get him a harness... He's too much of a scaredy cat to go out wandering on his own.

I'm off to India in August which I'm really looking forward to... We'll be traveling from Mumbai to Agra, then down to Goa and hopefully to Kerala for a bit and then back up to Mumbai before flying home. Though having just checked out a few bits on the internet, Kerala may be a bit ambitious so maybe we'll have to leave that bit out. I'm looking forward to the adventure though!

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

All My Idols Have Feet of Clay

I’m writing this out of sheer frustration and utter disappointment. I have allowed myself to be let down again; I’ve expected too much. A man who I very much admire and respect for a number of reasons (negotiating skills, sales technique, business acumen) has shown himself not only to be human; but to be just a man.

A is my boss, my Managing Director. He’s also a close friend and yes, I am aware that he is physically attracted to me. We have had problems in our relationship previously similar to the ones that I am going to describe here. The problems led me to stop socialising with him for many months but recently, because he has had a couple of business victories (mainly the purchase of a new company) I agreed to go out to dinner with him.

Prior to this dinner we had been getting on very well and he had been mentoring me at work and encouraging me to develop further in my career. I have been much more committed to the business since the beginning of the New Year and having pointed this out I started pushing for more responsibility. As I said, I know that Austen has feelings for me that go above and beyond a working relationship but I have stated in no uncertain terms several times before that there is absolutely NO CHANCE of there ever being any kind of romantic development between us.

Admittedly we had a great time when we went out together; we had a laugh and enjoyed the food and wine; bitched about colleagues and talked about our aspirations and dreams for the future. By the end of the evening I could see he had a soppy look in his eye and said to him that I did not think it was a good idea for us to go out again because of that. He tried to say that I had the same look (projecting) and I reiterated for the millionth time that I did not have those kinds of feelings for him; that I see him as a good friend and nothing more.

The following week during a work related meeting in the office. He told me that he had made up his mind; he new what he wanted (me) and that he always gets what he wants, and that he wasn’t going to fail. This made me feel really uncomfortable, not just because it’s not very nice for someone to ignore the fact that you have rebuffed them, but that he was objectifying me. He – a man who is supposedly my friend, someone who respects me – is turning me into a ‘sale’ or the purchase of a business; just another contest to be won. The phrase ‘no means no’ springs to mind; why can’t he respect my feelings on the matter? Why does he have to push it?

Later that week he asked me out for dinner; I declined. He kept texting me advice on my private life that I hadn’t asked for. It was too much; too intrusive. But I didn’t know what to do. I can’t just ignore him – he’s my boss. I replied in polite but non-conversational tones. He text me saying ‘We’ll go for dinner next week’ and ‘Which day is best for you?’ – The assumptive close. I said that I couldn’t do dinner he asked if it was a case that I ‘couldn’t’ or ‘didn’t want to’. I told the truth.

I was with another male friend while he was texting me who said that I should just go – it’s a free dinner and that if it was going to further my career why didn’t I just fuck him? He was joking, of course, but still I feel that he has missed the point somewhat. I’m being put in a really awkward position by and authority figure. A man who, in all other aspects of life I have the utmost respect for. I’m expected to handle this all on my own, I know that if I talked to my mother, my sister, my female friends that they would probably put the responsibility on my shoulders; why was I so silly to think that I could be friends with this man? Twice?! What did I expect? But there is still a part – a big part – of me that thinks that that’s bullshit. Why shouldn’t I be able to be friends with him? Surely it’s him that’s being ridiculous thinking that he could have a sexual relationship with me – a woman half his age? Surely he should be the responsible one? He’s the one in the position of authority! Yet – I’m supposed to just deal with it, handle it as best I can because at the end of the day HE’S A MAN and he can’t help himself.

Now; because I’ve blown him out again I have to try to handle him being a total asshole to me; same as last time; bawling me out in front of the whole office, having little or no patience with me, deliberately knocking my confidence. All because he isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle ‘losing’.

What’s equally as bad is that I will cover up his behaviour partly out of loyalty to him and the company and partly because it won’t do my career any favours to ‘gossip’ about the Managing Director. The fact that I will do this while he vents his emotions by criticising me makes my blood boil. If I was a man and he was a woman would it be as damaging for me to tell the truth?

Sunday, 15 March 2009

What the fucking fuck?

"'Did anyone tell you my nickname? No? "Mr. Li".'
Luisa isn't sure what response is expected. 'A little context might help.'
'My first week on the job, I'm up in the canteen, fixing myself a coffee. This engineer comes up, tells me he's got a problem of a mechanical nature and asks if I can help. His buddies are sniggering in the background. I say, "I doubt it." The guy says, "Sure you can help," he wants me to oil his bolt and relieve the excess pressure on his nuts.'
'This engineer was how old? Thirteen?'
'Forty, married, two kids. So his buddies are snorting with laughter now. What would you do? Dash off some witty put-down line, let 'em know you're riled? Slap hi, get labeled hysterical? Besides, creeps like that enjoy being slapped. Do nothing? So any man on site can say shit like that to you with impunity?'
'An official complaint?'
'Prove that women run to senior men when the going gets tough?'
'So what did you do?'
'Had him transferred to our Kansas plant. Middle of nowhere, middle of January. I pity his wife, buy she married him. Word gets round, I get dubbed "Mr. Li". A real woman wouldn't have treated the poor guy so cruelly, no, a real woman would've taken his jokes as a compliment.'"

I read that and recognised it as something that me and my friends have come up against time and time again. There have been a couple of things recently that have reminded me that although we lovely ladies have come a long way in our professional lives; it's not a level playing field yet.

One of my colleagues was asked by the management to infiltrate a company that they were looking into purchasing. The idea was that this guy should hang out with them, get to know them socially a bit, report back on the dynamics and who had which role and how the various pieces fit together. This company is mostly made up of guys but there is one woman who is not fantastic looking but is, by all accounts, a bit of a flirt.

My company has now bought a stake in this new one; my colleague has been commended in his efforts and for being a 'spy in their camp' (not my words - my MD's). After the sale had gone through I had a text from my MD saying that my colleague had slept with the girl at this company as part of his 'infiltration'.

I've never seen sex for favours as a good idea. There's something sleazy about it. Definitely something distasteful about 'trading' sex for pretty much anything in my opinion (slightly different if it's in a loving relationship of course). I just think that you should treat sharing your body with someone with some sensitivity and respect.

The thing that really annoyed me about this is that when I questioned my MD on whether he thought this was an appropriate way for an employee to behave when 'on duty', as it were, he said 'well I think she's a bit of a flirt'. Err.. Right, yeah so it's her fault then... Right, OK.

If that'd been me I would've not only lost the respect of all the people in that new company, and my MD but also would probably have been hauled over the coals by my mates as well with warning of the aforementioned happening. I (still) don't get why the reaction to a male colleague doing this is 'good lad!' and yet for a female it's completely different. I think the workplace is where this is most apparent.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Reverting to type

Sometimes I think I might be losing my edge. I get a creeping feeling of self doubt; am I really as independent as I like to make out. Am I really happy on my own? Sometimes. Then some silly man will make a flippant comment that will get me right back up on my feminist show pony. Amen to that.

I had a conversation with A on Monday night; he has just purchased a percentage of a company in Sheffield at a bargain basement price. The plan is to liquidate this company and restart it along with a new branch of my existing company. This new branch will need a manager and A said that he thought that with the right guidance; I could be successful in the role. Imagine! Sales Manager at 29. Now that's what I'm talking about! That's what I've been working for.

Obviously this is great news and when I went to the gym I told my trainer about it. To my utter astonishment when I told him that I may be moving to Sheffield due to said opportunity he said 'well done' closely followed by 'yeah and there are loads of blokes in Sheffield, none of whom have met you so you'll stand more of a chance'.

I don't think I need to tell you how annoyed I was. To be honest I'm surprised that he didn't follow this with 'and then you can get those silly notions about having a career out of your head and settle down like a good girl'. I'm aware that he probably didn't know what he was saying but I ask you?! And he's supposed to be the son of a feminist.

I should be thanking him really because his comment assisted me in achieving two things;

1. I jogged non-stop for 25 minutes in an effort to calm myself down as I was LIVID.
2. I am further committed to my year of celibacy.

Upon reflection, and after asking a couple of my girlfriends whether I come across as someone who is consumed by the need to find a man (they said no - though if I read some historic posts I may find myself disappointed), I realised that I know the answer. I want this job; not a man. Not once after talking to A did it cross my mind that moving to Sheffield would be a good way to meet a man. My focus was entirely on the job, how I would perform, how I would manage people, how I can start preparing myself.

I also realised that since my sister has become a mother she has put me right off the idea. The toll it has taken on her body, the constant exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster, the fact that her life revolves around this (beautiful) leechy thing all make me determined that that's a long way into my future.

Also, my celibacy is starting to become a precious thing. I feel that if I were to break it it should be for something/someone really worthwhile. Not just because I've given in to my base urges.

So thank you Dr K (said trainer). I shall ride this pony into the sunset.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Further observations

I am orally fixated. I'm not sure that I can lay this at the door of my new found celibacy but nevertheless it's a fact. Perhaps forgoing sensation, sensuality (though little of the sex that I've had over the last year or so could claim to be either of these things) makes the senses more acute. I'm not sure but for some reason, eating, drinking, even licking my lips seems to have become a delightfully epicurean experience.

Further to this I am much more inclined to fantasise about being a loving relationship in pursuit of mutual gratification rather than selfish, hedonistic reward.

I've also found myself with a lot more intellectual energy and have started to read in earnest... I have also invested in a new journal so that I can write down thoughts and quotes along the way.

I wonder how long I'll last...?

Friday, 13 February 2009

Well how about this then

My first observation from my new status of celibacy; as a woman if you are deemed to be 'easy' this is not a reflection of your actions but rather the state of a man's mind. If he thinks that he could have you; you are easy. Regardless of whether he could actually have you or not.

It could be that you smiled at him, or complimented him, or showed interest in his opinions. If you told him that he was good looking that would definitely mean that you wanted to fuck him and God help you if you looked him in the eye for more than five seconds. You hussey.

It's not what you do, but what they think you might do that counts.

Friday, 6 February 2009

Am I a Dirty Old Woman?

Those who know me will know that I have had my fair share of fun in the bedroom department whether it be one night stands, relationships with sexual deviants or your stereotypical, cliched 'taboos'... I've been there and got the t-shirt. Not because I wanted it but just because that's where the road took me.

Now that I've entered a state of self-imposed celibacy (and although I've specified 2009 as being my celibate year I haven't had 'relations' for over four months now - possibly the longest duration of abstinence since I became sexually active - three used to be my limit) I find myself fantasising about some seriously peculiar people.

I know it might sound to you like I was talking a load of bollocks in my last post when I said that I was getting to know people for their humanity and all that but I promise it isn't. Before I would've been doing everything in my power to get these people into a position (ahem) where I could take advantage, or they could take advantage, preferably involving alcohol (that way if it goes wrong you can always blame the drink) but no, new, celibate me is just observing my behavior and my feelings and my fantasies and thinking 'good God, how the hell am I going to last?'. Ha ha.

It doesn't help, however, that my Estate Agent is ridiculously charming (although also ridiculously old at 62) and keeps insisting that he wants to get to know me better, to take me out to dinner etc and going as far as delivering The Sunday Times to me because I said that that was all I wanted from a relationship.

The boy in the gym who almost asked me for my number (in the steam room, I ask you... who the hell tries to get your number in the steam room?!) makes me feel quite confident for a while but then I remind myself that there is not one single fibre in my body that is attracted to him and that makes me realise that I'm not resisting at all; I'm being repelled.

The worst one is my personal trainer; he's far too young for me. He has stature and - more attractive than that - intelligence. He is one of those always-up-for-a-laugh types, with hidden depths. He's articulate and interesting and funny and if I wasn't sex-starved I might think I was developing a crush on him. This is not helped by the fact that his friends are always plastering pictures of him naked all over Facebook which gives a more detailed visual dimension to my fantasies.

BUT! My friends; I am sex-starved, and as such I cannot trust my lust anymore. Is this experiment (designed by me, to stop myself from being distracted by all the inappropriate suitors out there) going to fall flat on it's face because I will simply fancy every man I meet?! That is quite the opposite of what I intended. As ever; I will keep you posted.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

New Year's Resolutions (A Little Late)

Here they are then;

1. No drinking alone during the week.
2. No smoking.
3. Save/invest.
4. Give time/money to charity.
5. No men.

So how do you think I'm doing?

I've failed at 1 already. The thing is, I'm ill at the moment and there's the snow and I kind of feel a bit like I have cabin fever and so I went out and got myself a cheeseburger and a beer. Ah well, at least I'm not smoking.

The 'no men' thing has been interesting as it's made it a lot easier to get to know people for their humanity rather than trying to shoe-horn them into a lover, boyfriend, potential husband role and if I'm honest I've been rather enjoying it. Gets a bit tricky when someone of the opposite sex brushes up against you though.. Deprivation just makes those minor encounters all the more vivid.

I've already saved some money (amazing; something I haven't done since I was a child) so you could say that you can tick 3 already. Ditto money to charity.

One of the most interesting things I found about making resolutions is peoples' attitudes. I've found that the happier people in my life have all congratulated me on my choices and said that they're all good things to aim for. My best friend (who seems to be becoming more and more negative as the years go by) said 'why so many? you're setting yourself up to fail' and one of my charming colleagues requested that I email them to her so that she can email me back with the date that I fail.

In 2008 I began to feel less and less inclined to spend my time with people who are negative towards me and towards my efforts to improve myself, my life and also to help other people. When I look back to how I was feeling this time last year I remember being so low that I couldn't see things improving; I didn't believe that I could really change my situation.

Now, I can see how that through my hard work and commitment to my goals I really am turning my life around. I am in less debt, I don't smoke, I'm healthier, happier, I drink much less, I don't take drugs, I don't waste time and money in the company of people who make me feel bad about myself, I don't feel the cloying need to be physically close to someone, I can find different types of emotional fulfillment with different people and no longer seek just one person to offer this. All these positive things I have achieved!

This year, 2009, I've started to try to help other people to do what I did last year; to help them to make the connections that I did between taking control of my life and my happiness. I'll let you know whether I have any success.