Those who know me will know that I have had my fair share of fun in the bedroom department whether it be one night stands, relationships with sexual deviants or your stereotypical, cliched 'taboos'... I've been there and got the t-shirt. Not because I wanted it but just because that's where the road took me.
Now that I've entered a state of self-imposed celibacy (and although I've specified 2009 as being my celibate year I haven't had 'relations' for over four months now - possibly the longest duration of abstinence since I became sexually active - three used to be my limit) I find myself fantasising about some seriously peculiar people.
I know it might sound to you like I was talking a load of bollocks in my last post when I said that I was getting to know people for their humanity and all that but I promise it isn't. Before I would've been doing everything in my power to get these people into a position (ahem) where I could take advantage, or they could take advantage, preferably involving alcohol (that way if it goes wrong you can always blame the drink) but no, new, celibate me is just observing my behavior and my feelings and my fantasies and thinking 'good God, how the hell am I going to last?'. Ha ha.
It doesn't help, however, that my Estate Agent is ridiculously charming (although also ridiculously old at 62) and keeps insisting that he wants to get to know me better, to take me out to dinner etc and going as far as delivering The Sunday Times to me because I said that that was all I wanted from a relationship.
The boy in the gym who almost asked me for my number (in the steam room, I ask you... who the hell tries to get your number in the steam room?!) makes me feel quite confident for a while but then I remind myself that there is not one single fibre in my body that is attracted to him and that makes me realise that I'm not resisting at all; I'm being repelled.
The worst one is my personal trainer; he's far too young for me. He has stature and - more attractive than that - intelligence. He is one of those always-up-for-a-laugh types, with hidden depths. He's articulate and interesting and funny and if I wasn't sex-starved I might think I was developing a crush on him. This is not helped by the fact that his friends are always plastering pictures of him naked all over Facebook which gives a more detailed visual dimension to my fantasies.
BUT! My friends; I am sex-starved, and as such I cannot trust my lust anymore. Is this experiment (designed by me, to stop myself from being distracted by all the inappropriate suitors out there) going to fall flat on it's face because I will simply fancy every man I meet?! That is quite the opposite of what I intended. As ever; I will keep you posted.