Girls and girls...

1. The no win situation.

OK -EVERY girl is familiar with this one. Your mate is constantly banging on about how shit her bloke is - you know he's shit (he might even be shit to you at times) but you're not supposed to agree with her and tell her that you think he's shit (even though she more than likely tells you yours is shit). You are also not supposed to defend him as then she'll either think you fancy him or just be annoyed that you're not 'supporting' her. The third option is to say nothing and I don't care what you say; saying nothing is impossible.

2. The 'you pissed me off' situation.

I'm quite opinionated. Alright - very opinionated. One of the things that you have to make sure of when you're this opinionated is that if you upset someone with your opinion you must apologise. It's not an apology for the opinion; I don't see why I should apologise for the things I think; it's an apology for hurting that person's feelings. Simply acknowledging that they were pissed off with what you said, and endeavouring not to make the same mistake again means that you still have friends. What really gets my goat is when I say to someone 'that pissed me off' and they don't acknowledge my feelings. The just get angry at me for saying that it pissed me off, or dismiss it, or whatever. It's a small word with a big meaning - 'sorry'.

Boys and Girls: Newbie's additions...

6. Saying (even in jest) “I always fuck on a first date”
7. Swearing excessively
8. Talking about exes
9. Getting f*cking trollied
10. Belching

Boys and Girls

I am writing a list of things that boys think that that they can get away with but girls definately can't;

1. Ringing you more than once when you didn't answer the first time.
2. Talking about marriage on the first date.
3. Trying to get you pregnant.
4. Asking you if you can be their girlfriend on the second date.
5. Putting out on the first date.

Any further suggestions would be most welcome.

Message to the person who invented cobbled streets;

What the fuck were you thinking? Twat.

A day and a half

I hate to get all miserable on you but I've a few things that I feel I need to write down.

Today is the anniversary of my 'step-daughter's' death. (It's in inverted commas as I didn't actually marry the father - but we were engaged - and I was second mum for a while).

I think I've had a harder time of it this year than any other year. It might be because my closest friends - the ones who knew me when I was around her - have all moved away. I don't know. I'm having a lot of memories though. This is not the only time I remember her; I think of her at least once a day, but today has been a real struggle.

She was only four years old when she died. I was trying to keep myself busy today so I arranged to go to K's house for dinner and I thought that spending some time with her one-year-old would help to distract me. It did, he's so beautiful - so sweet and excitable and cheeky. He has a shoe fetish already!

Now that I'm home though my brain has started ticking again. I can remember the way that she smelt; the way that she used to scream the house down when I turned the shower off; her accidental smile when she was supposed to be having a tantrum and the way that she felt when I used to stroke her when I went in to check on her at night. I can remember her waking me up shouting my name and not wanting her daddy, but me (and I feel guilt for the memory).

I can remember her dad telling me that he watched them give her CPR for an hour while her mum was being sick from the trauma. I can remember him telling me that he had to tell them to stop. I can remember him saying 'I go into her bedroom and I see her pillow and I want to pick it up and smell her on it. But then I can't because I'm so scared that it won't smell of her anymore - that her smell will be gone'.

All of this makes me feel so sad.

One day soon I'll post some of my happy thoughts about her. Today I just feel sad.

Men and women

I went round to his house last night for dinner and a DVD. It was a bit weird. Photos of him and his ex everywhere and stuff but hey, what did I expect? We managed to iron a few things out though; the conversation went a bit like this:

Me: ‘I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’

Him: silence

Me: You know - when I say things like that it’s a cue for you to say something comforting or reassuring to me. Think of it like a formula on one of your spreadsheets… I say something like that = you say something nice.

Him: Oh is it? OK I’m a fast learner. Let’s try again.

Me: OK; I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’

Him: Errr….Ummm….


Me: Oh God.

Half an hour later….

Him: indignantly Anyway! I didn’t ‘just fall into this’ I pursued you. I took you out for dinner and bought you Dom Perignon!!

Times are changing...

Well, I got the job. I've handed in my resignation and unfortunately my present company couldn't come up with an extra £8k per year to secure my future so that's it - I'm off.

I was touched that the Technical Director almost cried but a little perturbed that he expressed such shock at this emotional reaction. After all - I have spent the last fourteen months telling everyone what a valuable asset I am - why wouldn't they cry?!

I'm looking forward to starting my new position but as I've expressed before; I do feel slight trepidation at the prospect; not to mention the 8.30 start. Princesses need their beauty sleep (best taken throughout the morning hours).

He did say that he was looking forward to taking his 'girlfriend' (that's me apparently) out for lunch. I'm aiming to take a bit of time off between the two jobs, just to relax a bit since I have been denied any decent holiday recently.

Worries

I hate to sound conceited (though of course, I am) but I'm a little worried that if I did leave my present position (the interview went well, though I do have competition so we'll see) it may be his undoing.

It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that he doesn't really do much at all. Most of his time recently has been taken touching up, or gazing at photographs of beautiful women (some taken by him, some not) under the guise of helping his 'ex' out with her marketing for her hairdressing business.

Of course he has survived without me before (he has indicated that he won't be looking to replace me) but the general consensus from my clients is that they don't like him very much (to put it mildly). One of them even referred to him as 'just a twat'. Poor love.

I really hope that these concerns are due to my over-inflated ego and are not in any way based on facts.

On the plus side; my potential new boss is in no way shaggable and also he indicated that my leaving the company would be 'better for us as we can be more open'. This made me feel very warm and smiley and made the newly cynical-about-men K say that he was a 'sweetie'. I nearly fell off my chair!

Oh, and I read this and ran to my soapbox...

Marcelle D'Argy Smith, former editor of Cosmopolitan in The Independent;

''Boys have always rated women but it's utterly mainstream now, as if nothing else counts but your body. The moment you become aware of boys you want to please them. But whereas before you used to maybe buy a new frock, now girls think about nothing but their bodies."

This had me incensed! How can a woman who used to edit a high profile womens magazine enslave generations of women to men like this?

The moment I became aware of boys I wanted to be as far away from them as possible (ie; my brother's annoying mates) and then later on tried to get their attention a bit, after that I'd say that my interest developed into wanting to castrate them or gag them most of the time.

True enough I do like to play with them from time to time but I'd say that I, and the majority of my friends, dress to impress other women - not men. Though I grant that sometime a low cut top can help you get what you want - but not by pleasing a man - by confusing him. Most of them can't concentrate properly on what you're saying while looking at breasts so you can get them to say 'yes' a lot easier.

Personally I gave up reading these type of magazines a long time ago. They just make me feel like I'm too poor, or too fat, or not fashion conscious enough or that I should spend more time preening and less time living. That kind of pressure does no one any good - but it kind of proves my point about the fact that this pressure doesn't come from men, but from women - don't you think? I've never been with a man who said; 'darling, don't you think you should exfoliate more?'. Yet.

This one's for you Newbie

I've just got back from another money-dedicated marathon. My dad agreed to save me from destitution again so I've been driving all over the country in order to get pick up cheques and get them signed by siblings - it's a logistical nightmare when your saviour leaves the country let me tell you. This instead of spending the evening with him, which I was gutted about as we've been getting on so well recently...

However, I do have a job interview on Thursday which is good for three reasons;

1. More money.
2. I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore if I get it.
3. It's in an industry similar to mine but not the same so I will get to keep some of my clients - hopefully.

So that's the good stuff. The bad stuff is;

1. I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore.
2. I might not love it as much as I love my current job.
3. I find it really, really stressful starting a new job.

Unfortunately I cannot continue in my current financial position for much longer. My dad has never said no to helping me out as he realises how difficult it is surviving on your own; knows how stressed I get about money; and appreciates the effort that I put in to trying to survive on my own (shopping trips aside). My recent lack of funds has, however, enabled me to appreciate the finer things in my life.

My kitten is currently being very vocal about the fact that I was late home. Despite a game of 'bull fights' (involves me holding a blanket, him running into it and me throwing it on him, wrapping him up and tickling him) he's still in need of further attention. He is without a doubt the best £150 I have ever spent. It's so wonderful that I have a friend at home who always helps with the chores (hanging the washing out, emptying the bins and cleaning the floors being the favourites), constantly makes you laugh (running into the bathroom, jumping onto the toilet and sliding into the bin and such like) and cuddles you all night.

Another good thing is that as he is skint at the moment, instead of going out for a meal on Saturday night we had a night in with a DVD and cuddled up on the sofa - like a normal couple. Lovely.

I'm really hoping this new job thing works out. If I had to move out of my flat (God forbid) and move in with someone else I think I'd go insane. I've read enough in Newbie's blog to know that. I do realise that I'm well on my way to becoming a mad cat woman by the way.

Back home!

I've just got back from France where I have been staying with my beautiful sister and her (not so beautiful) husband (though he is very good at cooking so we'll forgive him for not being beautiful - at least until his skills wane).

I had a lovely and very relaxing time and like a true English girl stripped off and lay in the sun for hours with gay abandon and not a thought to wrinkled skin or, worse still - skin cancer.

My sister lives with her husband, five cats, six chickens and two dogs. The chickens are horrible but are very good at disposing of food waste (such as prawn's heads and feet) and produce amazing eggs. One egg every thirty four hours no less! I hope that when I die I don't come back as a chicken. The dogs are naughty and annoying (though lovable) and walk on you when you're trying to sunbath and the cats are all delightful in their own individual ways.

Since looking after some vile French children (I'm sure they're not vile because they are French) my sister has become very slim. She is also very tanned and looks very healthy. She seems happy though I can see that life is often a struggle for her... Personally I think she's very brave - she is getting very good at speaking French - though she will always play down her achievements in that way that she has perfected.

We had a disco in her bedroom with a compilation album that I had one of my lovely men from work put together for me - all the old songs that we used to dance to when we were teenagers. We danced like no-one was watching (because they weren't) and sang at the top of our voices until we felt sick.

Mon petite chaton went to stay with friends while I was away and drove them insane. He seems pleased to have his mummy back and has been running around the house shouting his head off and demanding that I have a bath (one of his favourite past-times is hanging out with me while I'm in the bath) though I don't give in to his demands having been ruled by a man one too many times. He smelled of their house so I sprayed him with perfume as a quick fix. Now he smells of perfume and their house but I'm sure it will wear off. I thought he might forget me and love them more but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even as I type he's gazing at me lovingly. How wonderful!

I managed to nip in to see my bad boy for a bit this evening as I had to collect something for my brother-in-law (who had returned to England with me in order to buy a car). He is just as bad and beautiful as ever. I asked him if he was ever going to start being good and he said 'maybe one day - when I'm about fifty'. I told him not to - I like him just the way he is.

Will I ever be a good girl? I'm not too sure. Even if he did try to make an honest woman out of me could I really accept it and settle down and make compromises after all this time of being on my own? Am I really what I claim to be? The eternal batchellorette?

The Princess is in a grumble thinking about things she doesn't want to do...

I've got a date tonight. I don't want to go but I agreed to it last weekend when I was on drugs and now I don't know how to get out of it. It was supposed to be last night but last night was the only night that I could see him before I go away on Sunday - so I rearranged.

OK, so why did I rearrange rather than cancel? I dunno - I just hate doing the letting them down thing. This guy was talking to me about what it would be like if we got married and had kids and stuff.... 'cool thing to tell the grand kids; that we met at a free party, eh?'. OK so he was on drugs too but he seems really keen. He's a nice bloke but lets face it - I'm in love with someone else so it was never really a fair contest.

Why did I agree to go? So that I don't look like a mug to my mates for staying faithful to a man who is still living with another woman. Stupid really. I should feel confident enough to make a mug out of myself. I've done it before.

I spoke to him about my previous post, saying that I thought he'd been a bit insensitive. He apologised and told me that it was just a sh*t situation and that he wanted to be free to see me when he wanted; to stay over and not to have to make excuses about where he is. This placated me a bit and made me feel a bit more like I am actually a factor in his life.

He brought me spaghetti bolognese in for lunch today (that he'd cooked last night). It's getting to the point where people must realise that there is a large amount of dialogue between the two of us outside of office hours. He's relaxed about things a lot more since last week when he had that conversation with the directors. All this is just making me think that I don't want anyone else - and I feel bad about getting this poor other guy involved in my rubbish.

The other thing that I don't want to do is drive to the airport and fly to France. Don't get me wrong; I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister, I just HATE travelling. It's utterly tedious and you are constantly surrounded by people who want to fight you to get to the next fecking queue. Also of concern is that I've got to fly back with my brother in law and drive him back to town; spending all that time alone with him could cause problems - we don't always see eye-to-eye (due mainly to me being a maverick and him being a control freak).

Also before I go I have to clean the rat out and take him to my parent's house and take the cat to my mate's (which I'm very worried about in case they lose him or abduct him or he forgets who I am). I must say (fearing sounding like a mad cat woman) I am really going to miss him and I don't want to leave him! He is my favourite thing in the world. I wish I had a butler to do these chores for me. Maybe I could borrow millionaire ex's concierge phone.

And another thing...

After I'd snapped at him on the phone and told him that he 'needed to sort himself out because his doom and gloom attitude wasn't helping the team' I felt guilty - so I text him asking him if he was OK. He replied 'Yeah OK really, just used to having loads of cash, a house, a good business, girlfriend or wife to be planning, and I'm under loads of pressure that's all, you OK?'

OK - so his life isn't exactly peachy at the moment but for God's sake I've been living off scrambled egg on toast for the last three weeks. The 'girlfriend or wife to be planning' makes me feel like I'm chopped liver, and unfortunately I haven't got a two hundred and eighty thousand pound house to sell to get me out of the sh*t. No - as usual, I only have myself to rely on and no savings or assets to back me up.

I'm f*cking starving hungry. I can't afford to smoke, drink, or take drugs to try and distract myself and on top of all this I've got to simultaneously try to keep the business afloat (whilst receiving no recognition) and think about finding another job in case the worst happens. I'll go before the rest of them do - I can assure you of that.

The Princess is asked to save everyone else's skin.

He called me tonight when I got home from work after he'd been in a really bad mood all day. He said he thought I was in a strop when I left the office; I wasn't - it was just a long day.

He told me that he was refusing my holiday application because we needed to have a full month to close some decent business; otherwise he was worried that there wouldn't be a business next month.

If I wasn't pissed off in the first place I was now. I mean; is this my responsibility?! Should the pressure that he's feeling be passed down to me? It drives me mad that he thinks that it's acceptable to put the onus on me to keep the rest of the company in a job. Everyone else is OK to carry on as usual - take their days off; work at their own pace. I've been upping the ante for the last two months, putting as much effort as I possibly can into generating business while he doesn't seem to have even changed up a gear. He can spend two days writing a html email while in two days I'm expected to do over a hundred cold calls; four sales orders; eight quotes and spend four hours planning - all of which has to be reported - in the same time span. It sucks!

I'm still going to put as much effort as possible in; just to prove a stupid point. Just wanted to have a whinge.