Wednesday, 29 July 2009

A Good News Post

Lots of good news.

I have a new friend at work, H. She's from Belfast and has a similar work ethic to me. She's a bit more 'play hard' than I am these days but we're on par with the 'work hard' part. It's great because the friend that I used to talk to about work stress buggered off to Australia about 6 months ago so having someone to sound off to is a godsend. Also it's nice to have another strong female in my everyday life again. I'm fed up of being the only one.

I am also now my trainer's strongest lady client. Go me! I can now dumb bell press 12.5 kg. I'm impressed - I have no doubt you are too. Plus I am a whole stone lighter than I was when I started. K would like to feel proud of me but his relationship with me prevents him from doing so, so I am just gonna have to be proud of myself.

I have lots of big sales in the pipeline. Great news.

On the 'I'm not entirely sure if this is good news' front... I have a new boss and I think that he fancies me. I'm not wanting to sound conceited (though those of you who know me know that I am) or anything but most of my bosses seem to develop some kind of thing for me and I'm not sure why. At the moment it's just an feeling that I get from him - he makes a thing of having private 'in' jokes with me and points out how unprofessional that is. Tonight I called him about work and he kept me talking for over 25 minutes - not about work. I was telling him about training last night and he was saying that he had all these images of me in his head 'lifting weights and stuff'. What do you reckon? I reckon he wants a bit. Of course if anything were to happen it would be utterly disastrous... A would be horrified and would hate me because he thinks that he has some claim over me. It would be an insult to him if I went off with another older man; he wouldn't be able to rationalise his emotions and he'd be vile to me. I'm tempted to do it just for the drama.

Jokes! Not really guys. My days of throwing spanners in works are over. I'm a good girl now.

More good news - I'm going to bloody India! Woo hoo... On holiday. I'm really hoping to have a fantastic time, not like the time that I went to South Africa and HATED it. I am confident that it won't be like that because I'm going with like-minded people. Hopefully we will sit talking and philosophising and reminiscing until the early hours of each morning and spend our days drinking in the culture. I will be taking my journal in the hope that I find inspiration!

The next post will be my 100th! I'd better go and have an adventure to write about.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009


My life is stagnant. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. Good job, decent income, nice flat, no fuckwit to mess with my mind or interfere with my life... Things are good. Very good. I'm not drinking too much, quit smoking, go to the gym, I'm fit, healthy, slim. I get to work on time. Perform well (when service providers and networks don't fuck about with my sales), do what is expected of me and more... and so on and so on.

I'm just so frustrated. (Please God don't read this post and send some shit to come and keep me entertained, like cancer for a loved one or a fire to destroy my earthly possessions - I KNOW how lucky I am and am reminded that I must do more for charity... I did sponsor that bloke this week though...).

I need more; more than this job. I need to be stretched - I need to earn more so that I can have more freedom - I need to start fulfilling my potential. I need to take the next step. I have various things in the pipeline such as a wine business and a potential new sales job that doesn't have people who are in contracts that are set in stone. I'm pushing. Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough. Or not pushing the right spot.

I'm so frustrated that at times I wish I was one of those 'ordinary' people. That I could just plod through life in some boring job, satisfied with my lot. Maybe I could be a single mum on benefits. Maybe a housewife. But then I look at these people and realise that a) they're not happy and b) if I was one of them I'd hate myself. So I can't.

I can't help feeling frustrated. I'm frustrated with my sister for being the epitome of 'The Female Eunuch'. I'm frustrated with her not being able to identify why she's feeling so miserable - to see that it's her total lack of an identity that is making her feel so lost. I'm frustrated with my mother for not helping her to cope with her new baby. I'm frustrated that my mother expects people to be unhappy and begrudges them assistance when they struggle. I'm frustrated that she thinks that because I don't have a baby I have nothing in my life worth taking an interest in and that she thinks that I'M the one who's mixed up my priorities. I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a man (under the age of 50) that has the balls or conviction in his attraction to me to go out of his way to impress me. I'm also frustrated that I haven't met a man in the last 24 months that has anything to offer me other than shit, sanctimonious advice about how I'm getting it all wrong. Fuck you! I'd rather retire on a yacht than in a fucking teepee!

I need to move things on... Got to push on - got to make something, build something... Show the world what I can do. Got to buy my future freedom. This space is too small! I want more.