Look - I don't know why this always happens to me, or what I do, or how I do it. Another bloody fucking manager has decided that he 'fancies' me as he put it but it seems to me a little bit more like an infatuation.
I swear to God I didn't encourage it this time (unlike last time the man is old enough to be my dad and married with two children and not remotely close to fanciable). I've just been myself; worked hard; not been a pushover and generally shown that I've got some 'balls' and the mutherfucker is falling all over himself to the point that I had the day off sick today and he text me four times saying that he 'missed me'.
What the fuck is wrong with him? I mean; he obviously loves his wife, his children and his life - so why the fuck does he think that the smartest idea he's had all year is to pursue me?
I called him on Christmas Eve and mentioned to him that my new manager had told me he fancied me... He said 'don't do it' to which I replied 'don't you think I've learned my lesson?'
The Carpenter's suggestion was that I sue him but would that really be the best course to take if I want to further my career? Would I then be seen as a liability to employ?
The thing that pisses me off most about this is that at the moment my work life is hard enough without having to worry about the extra hassle of mollycoddling a male ego. The ex would be loving this if he was around; seeing it as proof that I'm unable to control the sexual dynamic of 'sales'. Is this true? Or is it that the men in my life can't handle it? They can't categorise it as what it is. I must say that I've never used any kind of sexual prowess over my manager but possibly over potential clients while he was present. Is he contaminated by the overspill? Must I take responsibility for this?!
Friday 28 December 2007
Wednesday 26 December 2007
I meet another man that brings out the meany in me...
My darling cousin invited one of her many suitors to her house last night. It wasn't particularly difficult to imagine the kind of 34 year old man who would be chatting up a 21 year old - I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but within the first 15 minutes he'd asked me about 5 times whether he was more attractive than I imagined and made comments on my weight (he likes really thin girls). The conversation thereafter went like this;
'You know - I'm a male escort.'
'Really?'
'Yeah - would you pick me if you were going to hire an escort?'
'I don't know. What's your 'unique selling point'?'
'Well apart from the obvious; good looking; great body; I can talk really posh when I want to.'
'Well you just made a mistake in that sentence.'
'Look; I've just drove...'
'Er - 'driven'.'
'I don't like you.'
Er yeah; but am I bovvered?!
'You know - I'm a male escort.'
'Really?'
'Yeah - would you pick me if you were going to hire an escort?'
'I don't know. What's your 'unique selling point'?'
'Well apart from the obvious; good looking; great body; I can talk really posh when I want to.'
'Well you just made a mistake in that sentence.'
'Look; I've just drove...'
'Er - 'driven'.'
'I don't like you.'
Er yeah; but am I bovvered?!
Thursday 20 December 2007
Noooooooooooooooooo!
My Black Moor; Token, has just accidentally SWALLOWED one of my catfish WHOLE!!
He was hoovering up some food pellets at the bottom of the tank and my poor little catfishy got in the way. Token wriggled around a bit but didn't spit him out. I'm devastated. I'd just been thinking how happy they all looked and then tragedy struck!
I'm going to go now; I need to mourn.
He was hoovering up some food pellets at the bottom of the tank and my poor little catfishy got in the way. Token wriggled around a bit but didn't spit him out. I'm devastated. I'd just been thinking how happy they all looked and then tragedy struck!
I'm going to go now; I need to mourn.
Tuesday 18 December 2007
Strange things
Strange goings on in the land of The Princess. It just so happens that The Carpenter's friend rents a flat to my cousin. His friend also happens to be in a relationship with my best friend and they (said friends) live out in Spain.
The Carpenter was asked to go to my cousin's flat to fix a few things and I heard through the grapevine that he'd told his friend that he was seeing me. Then! His friend rang my cousin and said that 'The Princess's boyfriend' would come round to check out the problems. What's this?! Is it possible that I have once again accidentally acquired a boyfriend (I don't think I've told the first story on here. Perhaps I will one day) again? Apparently he doesn't want to commit to anything with me but is happy to let his friend's know that we're seeing each other. Funny things these boys... I think I could live until I was 109 and still not work them out. Does this mean that because he has said to his friend that he is 'seeing' me (even though he hasn't stated that the relationship is anything but a 'casual hook up' to your's truly) that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of 'seeing' someone? If that is so; where does it end? If his mate thinks I'm his 'girlfriend' then does that mean that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of being a 'girlfriend'? So confusing! Though surely both parties need to be in agreement about what stage a relationship (by relationship I mean 'relations between two people' - not 'it's all agreed that we're married and set to have children') is at - regardless of what friends and grapevines say?
I can now see why I was so eager to get some definition. I also think that perhaps my relationship with The Ex has much to do with this; though it pains me to say it. It's very hard to 'go with the flow' when past partners have had you in the gallows for not remaining faithful after the first date.
As it went; my cousin asked me to be there and then a series of events meant that my aunt was there too. He turned up and displayed so little charisma that I know I will have to defend my involvement with him for quite some time. Still - nothing new here really!
The Carpenter was asked to go to my cousin's flat to fix a few things and I heard through the grapevine that he'd told his friend that he was seeing me. Then! His friend rang my cousin and said that 'The Princess's boyfriend' would come round to check out the problems. What's this?! Is it possible that I have once again accidentally acquired a boyfriend (I don't think I've told the first story on here. Perhaps I will one day) again? Apparently he doesn't want to commit to anything with me but is happy to let his friend's know that we're seeing each other. Funny things these boys... I think I could live until I was 109 and still not work them out. Does this mean that because he has said to his friend that he is 'seeing' me (even though he hasn't stated that the relationship is anything but a 'casual hook up' to your's truly) that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of 'seeing' someone? If that is so; where does it end? If his mate thinks I'm his 'girlfriend' then does that mean that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of being a 'girlfriend'? So confusing! Though surely both parties need to be in agreement about what stage a relationship (by relationship I mean 'relations between two people' - not 'it's all agreed that we're married and set to have children') is at - regardless of what friends and grapevines say?
I can now see why I was so eager to get some definition. I also think that perhaps my relationship with The Ex has much to do with this; though it pains me to say it. It's very hard to 'go with the flow' when past partners have had you in the gallows for not remaining faithful after the first date.
As it went; my cousin asked me to be there and then a series of events meant that my aunt was there too. He turned up and displayed so little charisma that I know I will have to defend my involvement with him for quite some time. Still - nothing new here really!
Sunday 16 December 2007
See you in court
Another eventful week. I'm marveling at the sheer amount of admin involved with just simply living - that's even before you've actually done anything.
The Organ Grinder sent me a snotty email objecting to the fact that I had 'made demands, issued threats and deadlines'. Well when you've asked nicely a couple of times what exactly are you supposed to do?!
The more irritating thing about this email was that the man doesn't seem to have a grasp of the English language, stating that his 'position had hardened to ambivalence'. Ambivalence? Are you sure that's what you mean? And finished with 'should I take long than you demand I suggest you take legal action'. I'd rather take him to court for crimes against the English language but I don't think this is possible so I'll take him to court for the £193 that he owes me. For goodness sake if you're going to try to belittle someone then the least you could do is try to make sure you have the words to do it with.
More news on the love life; The Carpenter - who I tossed aside in my last post doesn't seem to be all that bad really... I think I may have got a little over zealous in my 'sorting out my life' mission and ended up being a little too quick in judging him. I'm working on a theory that most men don't know what they're doing really and that's why they get women to tell them what to do. I could be wrong of course.
My second article is coming out on Tuesday and I'm quite excited about it. I've got eight new fish which I impulse bought on Saturday. They're Cat Fish and Danios and they're very exciting. Mac and I like to watch them together. I have only managed to name three of them so far though.
The Organ Grinder sent me a snotty email objecting to the fact that I had 'made demands, issued threats and deadlines'. Well when you've asked nicely a couple of times what exactly are you supposed to do?!
The more irritating thing about this email was that the man doesn't seem to have a grasp of the English language, stating that his 'position had hardened to ambivalence'. Ambivalence? Are you sure that's what you mean? And finished with 'should I take long than you demand I suggest you take legal action'. I'd rather take him to court for crimes against the English language but I don't think this is possible so I'll take him to court for the £193 that he owes me. For goodness sake if you're going to try to belittle someone then the least you could do is try to make sure you have the words to do it with.
More news on the love life; The Carpenter - who I tossed aside in my last post doesn't seem to be all that bad really... I think I may have got a little over zealous in my 'sorting out my life' mission and ended up being a little too quick in judging him. I'm working on a theory that most men don't know what they're doing really and that's why they get women to tell them what to do. I could be wrong of course.
My second article is coming out on Tuesday and I'm quite excited about it. I've got eight new fish which I impulse bought on Saturday. They're Cat Fish and Danios and they're very exciting. Mac and I like to watch them together. I have only managed to name three of them so far though.
Tuesday 11 December 2007
Catch up.
OK - so I said I'd be back and I didn't deliver. I know that my one avid fan missed me because she told me so last night. I apologise. I've no excuse other than that I've been busy trying to sort my life out a little bit...
Bastard ex boss (ex lover, ex him, whatever you want to call him) has underpaid me so I have resorted to talking to the Organ Grinder once again in order to get my money out of them. What a disappointment. I know that 'business is business' but there is always a little part of me that wants to believe that people in business sometimes give a toss about you.
In the ol' love life; I met yet another man who saw fit to exploit the fact that I'm ready to be in a relationship. Despite the fact that we had numerous conversations about neither of us wanting another 'casual' relationship when I finally asked him (after about six weeks) whether it was just sex he replied 'let me think about it' and that's just not good enough for this Princess - another one bites the dust. Despite my best efforts to pretend that I don't care my true feelings eventually surfaced and I felt really let down again. I'm annoyed that as a intelligent woman (I see myself as such) I seem to be continually suckered in by these guys that don't want to make choices. They talk the talk but then when challenged to make a choice they slink off back to their bachelor lifestyle. All I want is for someone to ask how my day has been or to cuddle up on the sofa to watch a DVD with but this, it seems, is a tall order.
Further to that I have bitten the bullet and am attempting to take control of my financial situation. I have even produced a spreadsheet so that I can see exactly what is going in and out of my account each month. I also have a nice little sideline on the go; selling antique books, which not only helps me; but helps my dad which is fantastic as it means I can repay some of the generosity he has shown me in the past. On top of that it stops me from going out a couple of weekends a month so that's a saving in itself!
I have been writing for my friend's music magazine which has given me a creative outlet but has also boosted my confidence in my literary skills. My first article received high praise from the people of Northampton - I only hope my second does as well.
Machiavelli (my cat) has had his balls off and his temperament has changed slightly. He is a little more self important and a touch more grumpy... Rather the opposite of what I expected but he is still the most positive and beautiful thing in my life... I really need to sort myself out.
I'm also back in touch with my cousin and my aunt which is giving me some much needed female company. My cousin is funny and witty and clever and we have been having many fun nights out and in.
I'm back on the internet dating now and I'm sure that this will bring a lot of interesting tales. I also have a date on Thursday with a man I met in a club who actually sounds like he might have something about him... Watch this space.
Sorry it's a bit of a 'summary of events'. Hopefully I'll be back on it now and be able to get back to my usual emotional rants which are much more entertaining.
Bastard ex boss (ex lover, ex him, whatever you want to call him) has underpaid me so I have resorted to talking to the Organ Grinder once again in order to get my money out of them. What a disappointment. I know that 'business is business' but there is always a little part of me that wants to believe that people in business sometimes give a toss about you.
In the ol' love life; I met yet another man who saw fit to exploit the fact that I'm ready to be in a relationship. Despite the fact that we had numerous conversations about neither of us wanting another 'casual' relationship when I finally asked him (after about six weeks) whether it was just sex he replied 'let me think about it' and that's just not good enough for this Princess - another one bites the dust. Despite my best efforts to pretend that I don't care my true feelings eventually surfaced and I felt really let down again. I'm annoyed that as a intelligent woman (I see myself as such) I seem to be continually suckered in by these guys that don't want to make choices. They talk the talk but then when challenged to make a choice they slink off back to their bachelor lifestyle. All I want is for someone to ask how my day has been or to cuddle up on the sofa to watch a DVD with but this, it seems, is a tall order.
Further to that I have bitten the bullet and am attempting to take control of my financial situation. I have even produced a spreadsheet so that I can see exactly what is going in and out of my account each month. I also have a nice little sideline on the go; selling antique books, which not only helps me; but helps my dad which is fantastic as it means I can repay some of the generosity he has shown me in the past. On top of that it stops me from going out a couple of weekends a month so that's a saving in itself!
I have been writing for my friend's music magazine which has given me a creative outlet but has also boosted my confidence in my literary skills. My first article received high praise from the people of Northampton - I only hope my second does as well.
Machiavelli (my cat) has had his balls off and his temperament has changed slightly. He is a little more self important and a touch more grumpy... Rather the opposite of what I expected but he is still the most positive and beautiful thing in my life... I really need to sort myself out.
I'm also back in touch with my cousin and my aunt which is giving me some much needed female company. My cousin is funny and witty and clever and we have been having many fun nights out and in.
I'm back on the internet dating now and I'm sure that this will bring a lot of interesting tales. I also have a date on Thursday with a man I met in a club who actually sounds like he might have something about him... Watch this space.
Sorry it's a bit of a 'summary of events'. Hopefully I'll be back on it now and be able to get back to my usual emotional rants which are much more entertaining.
Monday 12 November 2007
Why talk to the monkey when you need the organ grinder?
Where the fuck have I been?! Ha ha...
Who knows - but I'm back with a vengeance.
Fucking hell - I've been working sooo hard recently it's just wrong. It's had the desired effect though. My new boss thinks I'm great and I'm on target to start hitting my lucrative bonus very soon. Gotta charm the pants off 'em while making the money at the same time. Make them think that they can't live without you that's the key.
Him? Well - he came back to me saying 'can we be friends?' as the sale of his house fell through and at that point I realised that I have enough friends - friends who don't promise the earth and deliver nothing; friends who tell me the truth so I know where I stand - even if I don't like it; friends who really will do ANYTHING for me and not just say so... So I told him 'no thanks - I've got enough friends'.
For the last three weeks I've been asking him when I'm going to get my last commission cheque. He told me that I'd get it in with September's pay; I didn't get it. I called him and asked him why and he said he'd been waiting for month end and that I'd have it in a couple of days; he didn't pay me. I called him again; asked him when I'd get it; he said I'll let you know... He didn't so I called again; he said that it was going for approval from the MD and he'd let me know; I still didn't hear. I emailed and told him that I needed a definitive answer and he said he'd let me know before the end of the day; he emailed and said that it was x amount and he'd 'let me know' when it was going to be paid. So in the end; I went over his head and asked the MD. Within a few hours I'd had a call from him... Fussing over why I'd gone over his head and what he'd said. A few hours from that I'd had an email from the MD saying when I'd be paid. Monkey vs organ grinder. Who needs a monkey.
God damn I feel good. Now I can move on with my life. Yeah; blokes are still a bit rubbish; my life is a struggle; and the cat is my baby substitute but I'm a published author again; the work front is looking up and I've still got a great pair of legs so FUCK IT!!
Who knows - but I'm back with a vengeance.
Fucking hell - I've been working sooo hard recently it's just wrong. It's had the desired effect though. My new boss thinks I'm great and I'm on target to start hitting my lucrative bonus very soon. Gotta charm the pants off 'em while making the money at the same time. Make them think that they can't live without you that's the key.
Him? Well - he came back to me saying 'can we be friends?' as the sale of his house fell through and at that point I realised that I have enough friends - friends who don't promise the earth and deliver nothing; friends who tell me the truth so I know where I stand - even if I don't like it; friends who really will do ANYTHING for me and not just say so... So I told him 'no thanks - I've got enough friends'.
For the last three weeks I've been asking him when I'm going to get my last commission cheque. He told me that I'd get it in with September's pay; I didn't get it. I called him and asked him why and he said he'd been waiting for month end and that I'd have it in a couple of days; he didn't pay me. I called him again; asked him when I'd get it; he said I'll let you know... He didn't so I called again; he said that it was going for approval from the MD and he'd let me know; I still didn't hear. I emailed and told him that I needed a definitive answer and he said he'd let me know before the end of the day; he emailed and said that it was x amount and he'd 'let me know' when it was going to be paid. So in the end; I went over his head and asked the MD. Within a few hours I'd had a call from him... Fussing over why I'd gone over his head and what he'd said. A few hours from that I'd had an email from the MD saying when I'd be paid. Monkey vs organ grinder. Who needs a monkey.
God damn I feel good. Now I can move on with my life. Yeah; blokes are still a bit rubbish; my life is a struggle; and the cat is my baby substitute but I'm a published author again; the work front is looking up and I've still got a great pair of legs so FUCK IT!!
Wednesday 10 October 2007
Tell the truth... I dare you, you spineless son of a bitch!
What the fuck is it with men that means that they find it impossible to tell you the truth?! I'm a big girl - I can take it. In fact I can give it as good as I can take it. Don't spare my feelings please... It's worse in the long run.
I've just found out that he invented a story yesterday to get out of coming to see me (God isn't it awful that someone wants to 'get out of' coming to see you?). He told me that he had to go and do a disaster recovery for one of my old clients. Well I knew that this was rubbish because I used to work there and he's a salesman - there's nothing that he could do to help them - he's not a technician. So I asked if he was still coming over and he said yes, but he didn't know what time.
I'm a sensible girl; I went out anyway as I knew he was bullshitting me. At about half ten he text saying that he'd only just left and that could we see each other tonight instead. I can't; I'm busy (going for a drink with a very rich man - it helps - I promise!). I nipped into my (old) office today to get some shredded paper for my rat and had a chat with them about what happened (obviously not letting on that I knew anything about it) and they told me that it was in fact M and A who were there until ten. Quelle surprise!
So where was he I wonder. I'm guessing that it involved another woman - which I'm cool with. He did the whole 'shit yourself and back off routine' on Friday night so now, in my head, I'm no longer in a 'exclusive' relationship and am back in the game. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like this thought but isn't it always the way? They want to play but they want you to sit at home waiting for them?
The thing that really gets my goat about the situation is that he knew he wasn't coming but he still let me think he was - so I could have been sitting in crying into my cross stitch all night wondering where he was... That's what they want though isn't it?!
I spoke to K earlier and she asked me what I was going to do. I must say that I'm reluctant to give up the nice meals and the great sex but the thing with me is that it only takes a bloke to show me he's not in it for the long hall once and I've metaphorically left the building. My heart is from then on, under tight control which kind of takes the romance out of a relationship. Oh well - another one bites the dust. At least I have an opportunity to make a fresh start of things as of next Tuesday - new job, new opportunities. Let's go.
I've just found out that he invented a story yesterday to get out of coming to see me (God isn't it awful that someone wants to 'get out of' coming to see you?). He told me that he had to go and do a disaster recovery for one of my old clients. Well I knew that this was rubbish because I used to work there and he's a salesman - there's nothing that he could do to help them - he's not a technician. So I asked if he was still coming over and he said yes, but he didn't know what time.
I'm a sensible girl; I went out anyway as I knew he was bullshitting me. At about half ten he text saying that he'd only just left and that could we see each other tonight instead. I can't; I'm busy (going for a drink with a very rich man - it helps - I promise!). I nipped into my (old) office today to get some shredded paper for my rat and had a chat with them about what happened (obviously not letting on that I knew anything about it) and they told me that it was in fact M and A who were there until ten. Quelle surprise!
So where was he I wonder. I'm guessing that it involved another woman - which I'm cool with. He did the whole 'shit yourself and back off routine' on Friday night so now, in my head, I'm no longer in a 'exclusive' relationship and am back in the game. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like this thought but isn't it always the way? They want to play but they want you to sit at home waiting for them?
The thing that really gets my goat about the situation is that he knew he wasn't coming but he still let me think he was - so I could have been sitting in crying into my cross stitch all night wondering where he was... That's what they want though isn't it?!
I spoke to K earlier and she asked me what I was going to do. I must say that I'm reluctant to give up the nice meals and the great sex but the thing with me is that it only takes a bloke to show me he's not in it for the long hall once and I've metaphorically left the building. My heart is from then on, under tight control which kind of takes the romance out of a relationship. Oh well - another one bites the dust. At least I have an opportunity to make a fresh start of things as of next Tuesday - new job, new opportunities. Let's go.
Thursday 4 October 2007
A trip to Boredonia.
God, is there anything more tedious than being a sales person who has handed their notice in?
I finish tomorrow and this week has really dragged. I've closed as much business as I can but what's the point in me going hell-for-leather to try and get new stuff in when I'm not going to see the commission from it? Maybe he'd buy me another new dress but he's on a basic salary so it doesn't really make any difference - he could buy me one anyway!
I condescended to do some cold calling this afternoon just so it looked to the rest of the company like he has some authority over me. He doesn't really though - I shagged him in my lunch hour today and after that it's a bit difficult to pull rank on someone... Anyway - I got so bored whilst calling that I decided to have a game of naughts and crosses with myself. Naughts won the most but the majority of games were a draw.
I've got an inspection on my flat tomorrow so all animals have to be vacated from the building. I also threw out my crappy chest of draws that was falling apart so this evening will be spent trying to fit four drawers of clothes into two draws. Boo!
I finish tomorrow and this week has really dragged. I've closed as much business as I can but what's the point in me going hell-for-leather to try and get new stuff in when I'm not going to see the commission from it? Maybe he'd buy me another new dress but he's on a basic salary so it doesn't really make any difference - he could buy me one anyway!
I condescended to do some cold calling this afternoon just so it looked to the rest of the company like he has some authority over me. He doesn't really though - I shagged him in my lunch hour today and after that it's a bit difficult to pull rank on someone... Anyway - I got so bored whilst calling that I decided to have a game of naughts and crosses with myself. Naughts won the most but the majority of games were a draw.
I've got an inspection on my flat tomorrow so all animals have to be vacated from the building. I also threw out my crappy chest of draws that was falling apart so this evening will be spent trying to fit four drawers of clothes into two draws. Boo!
Wednesday 3 October 2007
This is my cat. I defy you not to think he's beautiful.
I don't care what Dating Monkey says. I love my cat and I'm proud. And I have a boyfriend.
Friday 28 September 2007
Girls and girls...
1. The no win situation.
OK -EVERY girl is familiar with this one. Your mate is constantly banging on about how shit her bloke is - you know he's shit (he might even be shit to you at times) but you're not supposed to agree with her and tell her that you think he's shit (even though she more than likely tells you yours is shit). You are also not supposed to defend him as then she'll either think you fancy him or just be annoyed that you're not 'supporting' her. The third option is to say nothing and I don't care what you say; saying nothing is impossible.
2. The 'you pissed me off' situation.
I'm quite opinionated. Alright - very opinionated. One of the things that you have to make sure of when you're this opinionated is that if you upset someone with your opinion you must apologise. It's not an apology for the opinion; I don't see why I should apologise for the things I think; it's an apology for hurting that person's feelings. Simply acknowledging that they were pissed off with what you said, and endeavouring not to make the same mistake again means that you still have friends. What really gets my goat is when I say to someone 'that pissed me off' and they don't acknowledge my feelings. The just get angry at me for saying that it pissed me off, or dismiss it, or whatever. It's a small word with a big meaning - 'sorry'.
Boys and Girls: Newbie's additions...
6. Saying (even in jest) “I always fuck on a first date”
7. Swearing excessively
8. Talking about exes
9. Getting f*cking trollied
10. Belching
7. Swearing excessively
8. Talking about exes
9. Getting f*cking trollied
10. Belching
Boys and Girls
I am writing a list of things that boys think that that they can get away with but girls definately can't;
1. Ringing you more than once when you didn't answer the first time.
2. Talking about marriage on the first date.
3. Trying to get you pregnant.
4. Asking you if you can be their girlfriend on the second date.
5. Putting out on the first date.
Any further suggestions would be most welcome.
1. Ringing you more than once when you didn't answer the first time.
2. Talking about marriage on the first date.
3. Trying to get you pregnant.
4. Asking you if you can be their girlfriend on the second date.
5. Putting out on the first date.
Any further suggestions would be most welcome.
Thursday 27 September 2007
Wednesday 26 September 2007
A day and a half
I hate to get all miserable on you but I've a few things that I feel I need to write down.
Today is the anniversary of my 'step-daughter's' death. (It's in inverted commas as I didn't actually marry the father - but we were engaged - and I was second mum for a while).
I think I've had a harder time of it this year than any other year. It might be because my closest friends - the ones who knew me when I was around her - have all moved away. I don't know. I'm having a lot of memories though. This is not the only time I remember her; I think of her at least once a day, but today has been a real struggle.
She was only four years old when she died. I was trying to keep myself busy today so I arranged to go to K's house for dinner and I thought that spending some time with her one-year-old would help to distract me. It did, he's so beautiful - so sweet and excitable and cheeky. He has a shoe fetish already!
Now that I'm home though my brain has started ticking again. I can remember the way that she smelt; the way that she used to scream the house down when I turned the shower off; her accidental smile when she was supposed to be having a tantrum and the way that she felt when I used to stroke her when I went in to check on her at night. I can remember her waking me up shouting my name and not wanting her daddy, but me (and I feel guilt for the memory).
I can remember her dad telling me that he watched them give her CPR for an hour while her mum was being sick from the trauma. I can remember him telling me that he had to tell them to stop. I can remember him saying 'I go into her bedroom and I see her pillow and I want to pick it up and smell her on it. But then I can't because I'm so scared that it won't smell of her anymore - that her smell will be gone'.
All of this makes me feel so sad.
One day soon I'll post some of my happy thoughts about her. Today I just feel sad.
Today is the anniversary of my 'step-daughter's' death. (It's in inverted commas as I didn't actually marry the father - but we were engaged - and I was second mum for a while).
I think I've had a harder time of it this year than any other year. It might be because my closest friends - the ones who knew me when I was around her - have all moved away. I don't know. I'm having a lot of memories though. This is not the only time I remember her; I think of her at least once a day, but today has been a real struggle.
She was only four years old when she died. I was trying to keep myself busy today so I arranged to go to K's house for dinner and I thought that spending some time with her one-year-old would help to distract me. It did, he's so beautiful - so sweet and excitable and cheeky. He has a shoe fetish already!
Now that I'm home though my brain has started ticking again. I can remember the way that she smelt; the way that she used to scream the house down when I turned the shower off; her accidental smile when she was supposed to be having a tantrum and the way that she felt when I used to stroke her when I went in to check on her at night. I can remember her waking me up shouting my name and not wanting her daddy, but me (and I feel guilt for the memory).
I can remember her dad telling me that he watched them give her CPR for an hour while her mum was being sick from the trauma. I can remember him telling me that he had to tell them to stop. I can remember him saying 'I go into her bedroom and I see her pillow and I want to pick it up and smell her on it. But then I can't because I'm so scared that it won't smell of her anymore - that her smell will be gone'.
All of this makes me feel so sad.
One day soon I'll post some of my happy thoughts about her. Today I just feel sad.
Men and women
I went round to his house last night for dinner and a DVD. It was a bit weird. Photos of him and his ex everywhere and stuff but hey, what did I expect? We managed to iron a few things out though; the conversation went a bit like this:
Me: ‘I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’
Him: silence
Me: You know - when I say things like that it’s a cue for you to say something comforting or reassuring to me. Think of it like a formula on one of your spreadsheets… I say something like that = you say something nice.
Him: Oh is it? OK I’m a fast learner. Let’s try again.
Me: OK; I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’
Him: Errr….Ummm….
Me: Oh God.
Half an hour later….
Him: indignantly Anyway! I didn’t ‘just fall into this’ I pursued you. I took you out for dinner and bought you Dom Perignon!!
Me: ‘I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’
Him: silence
Me: You know - when I say things like that it’s a cue for you to say something comforting or reassuring to me. Think of it like a formula on one of your spreadsheets… I say something like that = you say something nice.
Him: Oh is it? OK I’m a fast learner. Let’s try again.
Me: OK; I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’
Him: Errr….Ummm….
Me: Oh God.
Half an hour later….
Him: indignantly Anyway! I didn’t ‘just fall into this’ I pursued you. I took you out for dinner and bought you Dom Perignon!!
Tuesday 25 September 2007
Times are changing...
Well, I got the job. I've handed in my resignation and unfortunately my present company couldn't come up with an extra £8k per year to secure my future so that's it - I'm off.
I was touched that the Technical Director almost cried but a little perturbed that he expressed such shock at this emotional reaction. After all - I have spent the last fourteen months telling everyone what a valuable asset I am - why wouldn't they cry?!
I'm looking forward to starting my new position but as I've expressed before; I do feel slight trepidation at the prospect; not to mention the 8.30 start. Princesses need their beauty sleep (best taken throughout the morning hours).
He did say that he was looking forward to taking his 'girlfriend' (that's me apparently) out for lunch. I'm aiming to take a bit of time off between the two jobs, just to relax a bit since I have been denied any decent holiday recently.
I was touched that the Technical Director almost cried but a little perturbed that he expressed such shock at this emotional reaction. After all - I have spent the last fourteen months telling everyone what a valuable asset I am - why wouldn't they cry?!
I'm looking forward to starting my new position but as I've expressed before; I do feel slight trepidation at the prospect; not to mention the 8.30 start. Princesses need their beauty sleep (best taken throughout the morning hours).
He did say that he was looking forward to taking his 'girlfriend' (that's me apparently) out for lunch. I'm aiming to take a bit of time off between the two jobs, just to relax a bit since I have been denied any decent holiday recently.
Friday 21 September 2007
Worries
I hate to sound conceited (though of course, I am) but I'm a little worried that if I did leave my present position (the interview went well, though I do have competition so we'll see) it may be his undoing.
It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that he doesn't really do much at all. Most of his time recently has been taken touching up, or gazing at photographs of beautiful women (some taken by him, some not) under the guise of helping his 'ex' out with her marketing for her hairdressing business.
Of course he has survived without me before (he has indicated that he won't be looking to replace me) but the general consensus from my clients is that they don't like him very much (to put it mildly). One of them even referred to him as 'just a twat'. Poor love.
I really hope that these concerns are due to my over-inflated ego and are not in any way based on facts.
On the plus side; my potential new boss is in no way shaggable and also he indicated that my leaving the company would be 'better for us as we can be more open'. This made me feel very warm and smiley and made the newly cynical-about-men K say that he was a 'sweetie'. I nearly fell off my chair!
It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that he doesn't really do much at all. Most of his time recently has been taken touching up, or gazing at photographs of beautiful women (some taken by him, some not) under the guise of helping his 'ex' out with her marketing for her hairdressing business.
Of course he has survived without me before (he has indicated that he won't be looking to replace me) but the general consensus from my clients is that they don't like him very much (to put it mildly). One of them even referred to him as 'just a twat'. Poor love.
I really hope that these concerns are due to my over-inflated ego and are not in any way based on facts.
On the plus side; my potential new boss is in no way shaggable and also he indicated that my leaving the company would be 'better for us as we can be more open'. This made me feel very warm and smiley and made the newly cynical-about-men K say that he was a 'sweetie'. I nearly fell off my chair!
Wednesday 19 September 2007
Oh, and I read this and ran to my soapbox...
Marcelle D'Argy Smith, former editor of Cosmopolitan in The Independent;
''Boys have always rated women but it's utterly mainstream now, as if nothing else counts but your body. The moment you become aware of boys you want to please them. But whereas before you used to maybe buy a new frock, now girls think about nothing but their bodies."
This had me incensed! How can a woman who used to edit a high profile womens magazine enslave generations of women to men like this?
The moment I became aware of boys I wanted to be as far away from them as possible (ie; my brother's annoying mates) and then later on tried to get their attention a bit, after that I'd say that my interest developed into wanting to castrate them or gag them most of the time.
True enough I do like to play with them from time to time but I'd say that I, and the majority of my friends, dress to impress other women - not men. Though I grant that sometime a low cut top can help you get what you want - but not by pleasing a man - by confusing him. Most of them can't concentrate properly on what you're saying while looking at breasts so you can get them to say 'yes' a lot easier.
Personally I gave up reading these type of magazines a long time ago. They just make me feel like I'm too poor, or too fat, or not fashion conscious enough or that I should spend more time preening and less time living. That kind of pressure does no one any good - but it kind of proves my point about the fact that this pressure doesn't come from men, but from women - don't you think? I've never been with a man who said; 'darling, don't you think you should exfoliate more?'. Yet.
''Boys have always rated women but it's utterly mainstream now, as if nothing else counts but your body. The moment you become aware of boys you want to please them. But whereas before you used to maybe buy a new frock, now girls think about nothing but their bodies."
This had me incensed! How can a woman who used to edit a high profile womens magazine enslave generations of women to men like this?
The moment I became aware of boys I wanted to be as far away from them as possible (ie; my brother's annoying mates) and then later on tried to get their attention a bit, after that I'd say that my interest developed into wanting to castrate them or gag them most of the time.
True enough I do like to play with them from time to time but I'd say that I, and the majority of my friends, dress to impress other women - not men. Though I grant that sometime a low cut top can help you get what you want - but not by pleasing a man - by confusing him. Most of them can't concentrate properly on what you're saying while looking at breasts so you can get them to say 'yes' a lot easier.
Personally I gave up reading these type of magazines a long time ago. They just make me feel like I'm too poor, or too fat, or not fashion conscious enough or that I should spend more time preening and less time living. That kind of pressure does no one any good - but it kind of proves my point about the fact that this pressure doesn't come from men, but from women - don't you think? I've never been with a man who said; 'darling, don't you think you should exfoliate more?'. Yet.
Tuesday 18 September 2007
This one's for you Newbie
I've just got back from another money-dedicated marathon. My dad agreed to save me from destitution again so I've been driving all over the country in order to get pick up cheques and get them signed by siblings - it's a logistical nightmare when your saviour leaves the country let me tell you. This instead of spending the evening with him, which I was gutted about as we've been getting on so well recently...
However, I do have a job interview on Thursday which is good for three reasons;
However, I do have a job interview on Thursday which is good for three reasons;
- More money.
- I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore if I get it.
- It's in an industry similar to mine but not the same so I will get to keep some of my clients - hopefully.
So that's the good stuff. The bad stuff is;
- I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore.
- I might not love it as much as I love my current job.
- I find it really, really stressful starting a new job.
Unfortunately I cannot continue in my current financial position for much longer. My dad has never said no to helping me out as he realises how difficult it is surviving on your own; knows how stressed I get about money; and appreciates the effort that I put in to trying to survive on my own (shopping trips aside). My recent lack of funds has, however, enabled me to appreciate the finer things in my life.
My kitten is currently being very vocal about the fact that I was late home. Despite a game of 'bull fights' (involves me holding a blanket, him running into it and me throwing it on him, wrapping him up and tickling him) he's still in need of further attention. He is without a doubt the best £150 I have ever spent. It's so wonderful that I have a friend at home who always helps with the chores (hanging the washing out, emptying the bins and cleaning the floors being the favourites), constantly makes you laugh (running into the bathroom, jumping onto the toilet and sliding into the bin and such like) and cuddles you all night.
Another good thing is that as he is skint at the moment, instead of going out for a meal on Saturday night we had a night in with a DVD and cuddled up on the sofa - like a normal couple. Lovely.
I'm really hoping this new job thing works out. If I had to move out of my flat (God forbid) and move in with someone else I think I'd go insane. I've read enough in Newbie's blog to know that. I do realise that I'm well on my way to becoming a mad cat woman by the way.
Thursday 13 September 2007
Back home!
I've just got back from France where I have been staying with my beautiful sister and her (not so beautiful) husband (though he is very good at cooking so we'll forgive him for not being beautiful - at least until his skills wane).
I had a lovely and very relaxing time and like a true English girl stripped off and lay in the sun for hours with gay abandon and not a thought to wrinkled skin or, worse still - skin cancer.
My sister lives with her husband, five cats, six chickens and two dogs. The chickens are horrible but are very good at disposing of food waste (such as prawn's heads and feet) and produce amazing eggs. One egg every thirty four hours no less! I hope that when I die I don't come back as a chicken. The dogs are naughty and annoying (though lovable) and walk on you when you're trying to sunbath and the cats are all delightful in their own individual ways.
Since looking after some vile French children (I'm sure they're not vile because they are French) my sister has become very slim. She is also very tanned and looks very healthy. She seems happy though I can see that life is often a struggle for her... Personally I think she's very brave - she is getting very good at speaking French - though she will always play down her achievements in that way that she has perfected.
We had a disco in her bedroom with a compilation album that I had one of my lovely men from work put together for me - all the old songs that we used to dance to when we were teenagers. We danced like no-one was watching (because they weren't) and sang at the top of our voices until we felt sick.
Mon petite chaton went to stay with friends while I was away and drove them insane. He seems pleased to have his mummy back and has been running around the house shouting his head off and demanding that I have a bath (one of his favourite past-times is hanging out with me while I'm in the bath) though I don't give in to his demands having been ruled by a man one too many times. He smelled of their house so I sprayed him with perfume as a quick fix. Now he smells of perfume and their house but I'm sure it will wear off. I thought he might forget me and love them more but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even as I type he's gazing at me lovingly. How wonderful!
I managed to nip in to see my bad boy for a bit this evening as I had to collect something for my brother-in-law (who had returned to England with me in order to buy a car). He is just as bad and beautiful as ever. I asked him if he was ever going to start being good and he said 'maybe one day - when I'm about fifty'. I told him not to - I like him just the way he is.
Will I ever be a good girl? I'm not too sure. Even if he did try to make an honest woman out of me could I really accept it and settle down and make compromises after all this time of being on my own? Am I really what I claim to be? The eternal batchellorette?
I had a lovely and very relaxing time and like a true English girl stripped off and lay in the sun for hours with gay abandon and not a thought to wrinkled skin or, worse still - skin cancer.
My sister lives with her husband, five cats, six chickens and two dogs. The chickens are horrible but are very good at disposing of food waste (such as prawn's heads and feet) and produce amazing eggs. One egg every thirty four hours no less! I hope that when I die I don't come back as a chicken. The dogs are naughty and annoying (though lovable) and walk on you when you're trying to sunbath and the cats are all delightful in their own individual ways.
Since looking after some vile French children (I'm sure they're not vile because they are French) my sister has become very slim. She is also very tanned and looks very healthy. She seems happy though I can see that life is often a struggle for her... Personally I think she's very brave - she is getting very good at speaking French - though she will always play down her achievements in that way that she has perfected.
We had a disco in her bedroom with a compilation album that I had one of my lovely men from work put together for me - all the old songs that we used to dance to when we were teenagers. We danced like no-one was watching (because they weren't) and sang at the top of our voices until we felt sick.
Mon petite chaton went to stay with friends while I was away and drove them insane. He seems pleased to have his mummy back and has been running around the house shouting his head off and demanding that I have a bath (one of his favourite past-times is hanging out with me while I'm in the bath) though I don't give in to his demands having been ruled by a man one too many times. He smelled of their house so I sprayed him with perfume as a quick fix. Now he smells of perfume and their house but I'm sure it will wear off. I thought he might forget me and love them more but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even as I type he's gazing at me lovingly. How wonderful!
I managed to nip in to see my bad boy for a bit this evening as I had to collect something for my brother-in-law (who had returned to England with me in order to buy a car). He is just as bad and beautiful as ever. I asked him if he was ever going to start being good and he said 'maybe one day - when I'm about fifty'. I told him not to - I like him just the way he is.
Will I ever be a good girl? I'm not too sure. Even if he did try to make an honest woman out of me could I really accept it and settle down and make compromises after all this time of being on my own? Am I really what I claim to be? The eternal batchellorette?
Friday 7 September 2007
The Princess is in a grumble thinking about things she doesn't want to do...
I've got a date tonight. I don't want to go but I agreed to it last weekend when I was on drugs and now I don't know how to get out of it. It was supposed to be last night but last night was the only night that I could see him before I go away on Sunday - so I rearranged.
OK, so why did I rearrange rather than cancel? I dunno - I just hate doing the letting them down thing. This guy was talking to me about what it would be like if we got married and had kids and stuff.... 'cool thing to tell the grand kids; that we met at a free party, eh?'. OK so he was on drugs too but he seems really keen. He's a nice bloke but lets face it - I'm in love with someone else so it was never really a fair contest.
Why did I agree to go? So that I don't look like a mug to my mates for staying faithful to a man who is still living with another woman. Stupid really. I should feel confident enough to make a mug out of myself. I've done it before.
I spoke to him about my previous post, saying that I thought he'd been a bit insensitive. He apologised and told me that it was just a sh*t situation and that he wanted to be free to see me when he wanted; to stay over and not to have to make excuses about where he is. This placated me a bit and made me feel a bit more like I am actually a factor in his life.
He brought me spaghetti bolognese in for lunch today (that he'd cooked last night). It's getting to the point where people must realise that there is a large amount of dialogue between the two of us outside of office hours. He's relaxed about things a lot more since last week when he had that conversation with the directors. All this is just making me think that I don't want anyone else - and I feel bad about getting this poor other guy involved in my rubbish.
The other thing that I don't want to do is drive to the airport and fly to France. Don't get me wrong; I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister, I just HATE travelling. It's utterly tedious and you are constantly surrounded by people who want to fight you to get to the next fecking queue. Also of concern is that I've got to fly back with my brother in law and drive him back to town; spending all that time alone with him could cause problems - we don't always see eye-to-eye (due mainly to me being a maverick and him being a control freak).
Also before I go I have to clean the rat out and take him to my parent's house and take the cat to my mate's (which I'm very worried about in case they lose him or abduct him or he forgets who I am). I must say (fearing sounding like a mad cat woman) I am really going to miss him and I don't want to leave him! He is my favourite thing in the world. I wish I had a butler to do these chores for me. Maybe I could borrow millionaire ex's concierge phone.
OK, so why did I rearrange rather than cancel? I dunno - I just hate doing the letting them down thing. This guy was talking to me about what it would be like if we got married and had kids and stuff.... 'cool thing to tell the grand kids; that we met at a free party, eh?'. OK so he was on drugs too but he seems really keen. He's a nice bloke but lets face it - I'm in love with someone else so it was never really a fair contest.
Why did I agree to go? So that I don't look like a mug to my mates for staying faithful to a man who is still living with another woman. Stupid really. I should feel confident enough to make a mug out of myself. I've done it before.
I spoke to him about my previous post, saying that I thought he'd been a bit insensitive. He apologised and told me that it was just a sh*t situation and that he wanted to be free to see me when he wanted; to stay over and not to have to make excuses about where he is. This placated me a bit and made me feel a bit more like I am actually a factor in his life.
He brought me spaghetti bolognese in for lunch today (that he'd cooked last night). It's getting to the point where people must realise that there is a large amount of dialogue between the two of us outside of office hours. He's relaxed about things a lot more since last week when he had that conversation with the directors. All this is just making me think that I don't want anyone else - and I feel bad about getting this poor other guy involved in my rubbish.
The other thing that I don't want to do is drive to the airport and fly to France. Don't get me wrong; I'm really looking forward to seeing my sister, I just HATE travelling. It's utterly tedious and you are constantly surrounded by people who want to fight you to get to the next fecking queue. Also of concern is that I've got to fly back with my brother in law and drive him back to town; spending all that time alone with him could cause problems - we don't always see eye-to-eye (due mainly to me being a maverick and him being a control freak).
Also before I go I have to clean the rat out and take him to my parent's house and take the cat to my mate's (which I'm very worried about in case they lose him or abduct him or he forgets who I am). I must say (fearing sounding like a mad cat woman) I am really going to miss him and I don't want to leave him! He is my favourite thing in the world. I wish I had a butler to do these chores for me. Maybe I could borrow millionaire ex's concierge phone.
Tuesday 4 September 2007
And another thing...
After I'd snapped at him on the phone and told him that he 'needed to sort himself out because his doom and gloom attitude wasn't helping the team' I felt guilty - so I text him asking him if he was OK. He replied 'Yeah OK really, just used to having loads of cash, a house, a good business, girlfriend or wife to be planning, and I'm under loads of pressure that's all, you OK?'
OK - so his life isn't exactly peachy at the moment but for God's sake I've been living off scrambled egg on toast for the last three weeks. The 'girlfriend or wife to be planning' makes me feel like I'm chopped liver, and unfortunately I haven't got a two hundred and eighty thousand pound house to sell to get me out of the sh*t. No - as usual, I only have myself to rely on and no savings or assets to back me up.
I'm f*cking starving hungry. I can't afford to smoke, drink, or take drugs to try and distract myself and on top of all this I've got to simultaneously try to keep the business afloat (whilst receiving no recognition) and think about finding another job in case the worst happens. I'll go before the rest of them do - I can assure you of that.
OK - so his life isn't exactly peachy at the moment but for God's sake I've been living off scrambled egg on toast for the last three weeks. The 'girlfriend or wife to be planning' makes me feel like I'm chopped liver, and unfortunately I haven't got a two hundred and eighty thousand pound house to sell to get me out of the sh*t. No - as usual, I only have myself to rely on and no savings or assets to back me up.
I'm f*cking starving hungry. I can't afford to smoke, drink, or take drugs to try and distract myself and on top of all this I've got to simultaneously try to keep the business afloat (whilst receiving no recognition) and think about finding another job in case the worst happens. I'll go before the rest of them do - I can assure you of that.
The Princess is asked to save everyone else's skin.
He called me tonight when I got home from work after he'd been in a really bad mood all day. He said he thought I was in a strop when I left the office; I wasn't - it was just a long day.
He told me that he was refusing my holiday application because we needed to have a full month to close some decent business; otherwise he was worried that there wouldn't be a business next month.
If I wasn't pissed off in the first place I was now. I mean; is this my responsibility?! Should the pressure that he's feeling be passed down to me? It drives me mad that he thinks that it's acceptable to put the onus on me to keep the rest of the company in a job. Everyone else is OK to carry on as usual - take their days off; work at their own pace. I've been upping the ante for the last two months, putting as much effort as I possibly can into generating business while he doesn't seem to have even changed up a gear. He can spend two days writing a html email while in two days I'm expected to do over a hundred cold calls; four sales orders; eight quotes and spend four hours planning - all of which has to be reported - in the same time span. It sucks!
I'm still going to put as much effort as possible in; just to prove a stupid point. Just wanted to have a whinge.
He told me that he was refusing my holiday application because we needed to have a full month to close some decent business; otherwise he was worried that there wouldn't be a business next month.
If I wasn't pissed off in the first place I was now. I mean; is this my responsibility?! Should the pressure that he's feeling be passed down to me? It drives me mad that he thinks that it's acceptable to put the onus on me to keep the rest of the company in a job. Everyone else is OK to carry on as usual - take their days off; work at their own pace. I've been upping the ante for the last two months, putting as much effort as I possibly can into generating business while he doesn't seem to have even changed up a gear. He can spend two days writing a html email while in two days I'm expected to do over a hundred cold calls; four sales orders; eight quotes and spend four hours planning - all of which has to be reported - in the same time span. It sucks!
I'm still going to put as much effort as possible in; just to prove a stupid point. Just wanted to have a whinge.
Wednesday 29 August 2007
Don't make me ask twice, or three times, or four times...
I know that I'm and employee at the company that I work for but it drives me absolutely insane that I have to ask for (business related) things twice, three times, four times or more before anything gets done about them.
In my opinion, gone are the days in business where a boss can say 'do as I say, not as I do'. If my boss had to ask me more than once for something, at the very most twice, I would feel like I was failing in some way. Why can't I expect the same level of commitment from my seniors?
OK, you could say that they're busier than me, that they don't see the value in what I'm asking for etc but surely the trust should be there in me as an employee so that I don't continually have to justify my requests to simply find a disk that the tech team have lost that I need; or to provide me with some decent data to cold call from? It's so irritating that I'm asking for these things in order to improve my performance and then when they don't provide it, and there's no significant improvements and I point out that they haven't given me the tools that I asked for I'm passing the buck.
If I had the authority to direct the tech team or spend the money on data myself I'd do it but I don't so it's over to management who have more important things to do. What are these things? I'm f*cked if I know.
In my opinion, gone are the days in business where a boss can say 'do as I say, not as I do'. If my boss had to ask me more than once for something, at the very most twice, I would feel like I was failing in some way. Why can't I expect the same level of commitment from my seniors?
OK, you could say that they're busier than me, that they don't see the value in what I'm asking for etc but surely the trust should be there in me as an employee so that I don't continually have to justify my requests to simply find a disk that the tech team have lost that I need; or to provide me with some decent data to cold call from? It's so irritating that I'm asking for these things in order to improve my performance and then when they don't provide it, and there's no significant improvements and I point out that they haven't given me the tools that I asked for I'm passing the buck.
If I had the authority to direct the tech team or spend the money on data myself I'd do it but I don't so it's over to management who have more important things to do. What are these things? I'm f*cked if I know.
Tuesday 28 August 2007
The Princess gets treated like a princess...
I got a text from millionaire ex yesterday afternoon saying that he had hired a limo to take him to The Belfry and would I like to join him on his excursion - champagne would be provided. Since I was doing nothing but sitting on my sofa I felt that I had no real reason to decline so decided that I should take advantage of the offer.
I got to his house at about half five, the limo was booked for nine so it gave us a bit of time to get reaquainted (and drink a couple of bottles of champagne). He'd offered to cook and to be honest it had slipped my mind how appalling he is at it so was a little surprised when he managed to make a complete mess of the fillet steak and lobster tails - no mean feat I can assure you. Since I was in a princessy mood I demanded that he order me a pizza (OK, not that princessy - I didn't demand caviar).
We reminised about old times and I did a couple of strategic imitations of him in my newly practiced American accent (thanks newbie - for the practice) to show him why we'd separated in the first place. Try 'I cayn't have mah wo'man hayngin' around town with other guys!' and 'you're an intelligent wo'man, cayn't you see that ah don't like you smokin' whay cayn't you just quit?'. He took this in very good humour and denied that he'd said any of it.
Being American and a lot more flash about his money than many of us Brits; he showed me a phone that cost him £2900. It has a concierge button so that you can arrange a limosine or helicopter from wherever you are. Later on I asked him to use it to satisfy my craving for KFC but apparently the service doesn't stretch to that. Waste of money if you ask me.
He also admitted that when we were together he was trying to get me pregnant. Obviously he didn't stand a chance since I'm pretty dilligent in the contraception area but I thought this was an interesting role reversal; the millionaire trying to knock the poor(ish) girl up.
I acted like a proper lady all night though - the champagne didn't really seem to affect me that much - until the end of the night when I fell out of the limo in my usual haphazard style. Can't be ladylike all the time can we?
The usual marriage proposals poured out as he got more confident (or maybe it was more drunk). He demanded that I quit my job and let him look after me and show me how to take my net worth to £1 million within a year. I declined. We all know that there's no such thing as a free lunch; even from the wealthy.
I had a great night though. He is good company - but a bit like a chocolate pudding; nice in small doses but have to much and you find it's a bit rich.
I got to his house at about half five, the limo was booked for nine so it gave us a bit of time to get reaquainted (and drink a couple of bottles of champagne). He'd offered to cook and to be honest it had slipped my mind how appalling he is at it so was a little surprised when he managed to make a complete mess of the fillet steak and lobster tails - no mean feat I can assure you. Since I was in a princessy mood I demanded that he order me a pizza (OK, not that princessy - I didn't demand caviar).
We reminised about old times and I did a couple of strategic imitations of him in my newly practiced American accent (thanks newbie - for the practice) to show him why we'd separated in the first place. Try 'I cayn't have mah wo'man hayngin' around town with other guys!' and 'you're an intelligent wo'man, cayn't you see that ah don't like you smokin' whay cayn't you just quit?'. He took this in very good humour and denied that he'd said any of it.
Being American and a lot more flash about his money than many of us Brits; he showed me a phone that cost him £2900. It has a concierge button so that you can arrange a limosine or helicopter from wherever you are. Later on I asked him to use it to satisfy my craving for KFC but apparently the service doesn't stretch to that. Waste of money if you ask me.
He also admitted that when we were together he was trying to get me pregnant. Obviously he didn't stand a chance since I'm pretty dilligent in the contraception area but I thought this was an interesting role reversal; the millionaire trying to knock the poor(ish) girl up.
I acted like a proper lady all night though - the champagne didn't really seem to affect me that much - until the end of the night when I fell out of the limo in my usual haphazard style. Can't be ladylike all the time can we?
The usual marriage proposals poured out as he got more confident (or maybe it was more drunk). He demanded that I quit my job and let him look after me and show me how to take my net worth to £1 million within a year. I declined. We all know that there's no such thing as a free lunch; even from the wealthy.
I had a great night though. He is good company - but a bit like a chocolate pudding; nice in small doses but have to much and you find it's a bit rich.
Sunday 26 August 2007
Redemption of the mister
I've got to write this one because I feel really bad about bad mouthing him. He called me just after I'd posted last night and was on his way over. He was lovely about my friend who's in hospital and asked me if I wanted him to take me to visit.
When he got here we went out for a couple of drinks with some of my friends (making me feel like we're almost a proper couple) and then came back here for some nookie - he didn't even rush off...
Anyway - I'm conscious that too many of my posts are about him at the moment so I've got to talk about something else. My kitten is currently being wildly naughty and making lots of noise (I keep telling him that he's a secret but he doesn't listen). I've tried giving him a toilet roll to play with (usually off limits) and some fresh chicken to eat (his diet is better than mine) but he's still insisting on running around like a lunatic. Still - I'd be more concerned if he wasn't.
I spent the day with my mother today and she said 'we only ever talk about the cats or gossip, don't you think that's terrible'. I asked her if she wanted to have a philosophical discussion and she chose to ask me what I though of as a 'sin'. I replied that I thought it was anything where you harm someone for your own personal gain. The we went back to talking about cats and gossip.
When he got here we went out for a couple of drinks with some of my friends (making me feel like we're almost a proper couple) and then came back here for some nookie - he didn't even rush off...
Anyway - I'm conscious that too many of my posts are about him at the moment so I've got to talk about something else. My kitten is currently being wildly naughty and making lots of noise (I keep telling him that he's a secret but he doesn't listen). I've tried giving him a toilet roll to play with (usually off limits) and some fresh chicken to eat (his diet is better than mine) but he's still insisting on running around like a lunatic. Still - I'd be more concerned if he wasn't.
I spent the day with my mother today and she said 'we only ever talk about the cats or gossip, don't you think that's terrible'. I asked her if she wanted to have a philosophical discussion and she chose to ask me what I though of as a 'sin'. I replied that I thought it was anything where you harm someone for your own personal gain. The we went back to talking about cats and gossip.
Saturday 25 August 2007
Plight of the mistress
It's Saturday night an he's supposed to be coming over. I asked him to be here between half seven and eight but got a text earlier saying that he's 'stuck at his parent's' but would be here no later than nine. He thinks that I'm going out for drinks with a friend and then he's meeting me out but my friend has had to take her toddler in to hospital (viral infection - hopefully everything should be OK).
He still hasn't called to say he's on his way - I'm sat in on my own and I'm getting the old paranoia going. I think he's going to stand me up because he thinks I'll just be able to carry on with my night with mates without too much bother.
The thing that really winds me up about this situation is that I feel like I can't call him... I also think that he's lying to me and that he's not really 'stuck at his parent's' but that he's with her. The third thing that's really making me angry is that I seem to be the one who is treating him with the most respect; giving him the most attention and yet I'm the one who gets sidelined for his f*cking parents!
This must be the age old plight of the mistress - so many women must've been here before. It doesn't surprise me that bunnies end up boiled, cars are graffitied and suits are shredded. This makes you feel worthless, and so angry that you want revenge.
It's nine o'clock - I'm going to call him.
He still hasn't called to say he's on his way - I'm sat in on my own and I'm getting the old paranoia going. I think he's going to stand me up because he thinks I'll just be able to carry on with my night with mates without too much bother.
The thing that really winds me up about this situation is that I feel like I can't call him... I also think that he's lying to me and that he's not really 'stuck at his parent's' but that he's with her. The third thing that's really making me angry is that I seem to be the one who is treating him with the most respect; giving him the most attention and yet I'm the one who gets sidelined for his f*cking parents!
This must be the age old plight of the mistress - so many women must've been here before. It doesn't surprise me that bunnies end up boiled, cars are graffitied and suits are shredded. This makes you feel worthless, and so angry that you want revenge.
It's nine o'clock - I'm going to call him.
Friday 24 August 2007
BUMP!
OK - got to thank my girls. Even though I don't really want to.
Spoke to three of them last night about the situation with him. As they are not blinded by lust as I am they gave me a bit more of an objective view -
1. Are you sure that he's not going to buy another house with her?
2. Are you sure he's not just selling the house because of the financial climate?
3. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
4. Could you be with him knowing that he cheated on her with you?
5. Would you ever be able to trust him?
This did bring me down to earth with a bump. Obviously it's not what I want to hear but would my friends be worth having if they didn't raise these important (and sensible) questions/issues. I doubt it.
Spoke to three of them last night about the situation with him. As they are not blinded by lust as I am they gave me a bit more of an objective view -
1. Are you sure that he's not going to buy another house with her?
2. Are you sure he's not just selling the house because of the financial climate?
3. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
4. Could you be with him knowing that he cheated on her with you?
5. Would you ever be able to trust him?
This did bring me down to earth with a bump. Obviously it's not what I want to hear but would my friends be worth having if they didn't raise these important (and sensible) questions/issues. I doubt it.
Thursday 23 August 2007
Emotional pirate ships..
What a day! Morning started out a bit rubbish with my Technical Director bawling me out in front of the office for getting 'upset' about something that I wasn't actually getting upset about. Yet another example of my tongue-in-cheek humour getting misconstrued. I told him that I wasn't getting 'upset' but he assured me I was.... Not much I could say then so I just let him have his rant. The emotions from this outburst hit me about 5 hours later - due to my repressive personality. Though they were still tempered due to these fantastic pills that I'm on. Things went back to normal quickly - neither of us being the type to let things fester.
The big news of the day though - his house is on the market. I think I'm still reeling from the shock. I really didn't believe that he'd actually leave her. Though of course he hasn't yet; but it's looking more likely by the day.
I'm trying not to feel excited but not really succeeding. I'm hoping that for my sake once he's single I wont feel as attracted to him but I'm not sure that that'll be the case. It's dangerous - this is not a position that any intelligent girl relishes surely?!
To make things even more complicated in my fuddled mind; because he doesn't actually want to sell it - he suggested me moving into his house - as his lodger. My God - I don't think I've ever heard such a ludicrous proposal. I mean think about how it would work; I'd be renting his spare room. Can you imagine how much willpower (which I might add I have very little of when it comes to him) it would take to go to bed in my own room and feign that there was no sexual dynamic to our relationship?! Right - impossible. He must know that it would be impossible though.... So, what? He wants to move her out and me in. What the...?! That's such a stupid idea that I'm tempted to do it; stands to reason with my history of choosing the most ill-advised path possible.
Don't worry though - my friends and family will talk some sense into me.
The big news of the day though - his house is on the market. I think I'm still reeling from the shock. I really didn't believe that he'd actually leave her. Though of course he hasn't yet; but it's looking more likely by the day.
I'm trying not to feel excited but not really succeeding. I'm hoping that for my sake once he's single I wont feel as attracted to him but I'm not sure that that'll be the case. It's dangerous - this is not a position that any intelligent girl relishes surely?!
To make things even more complicated in my fuddled mind; because he doesn't actually want to sell it - he suggested me moving into his house - as his lodger. My God - I don't think I've ever heard such a ludicrous proposal. I mean think about how it would work; I'd be renting his spare room. Can you imagine how much willpower (which I might add I have very little of when it comes to him) it would take to go to bed in my own room and feign that there was no sexual dynamic to our relationship?! Right - impossible. He must know that it would be impossible though.... So, what? He wants to move her out and me in. What the...?! That's such a stupid idea that I'm tempted to do it; stands to reason with my history of choosing the most ill-advised path possible.
Don't worry though - my friends and family will talk some sense into me.
Wednesday 22 August 2007
Would you mind checking your ego?
OK - I'm experiencing my usual level of irritation with men due to actually being 'involved' with one.
Two gripes;
1. I told him that my friend was pregnant. He asked whether she was on the pill to which I replied that I didn't know but that I remembered her being a bit unreliable with it. He then said, 'you're scaring me now - you're reliable with yours aren't you?' to which I replied 'do you really think that I want to have your babies? Of course I am'. So then he gets the hump because he thinks that I am insulting him! Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't asking me to confirm that I'm vigilant with my birth control and indication that he doesn't want me to have his babies?!
2. I sent him a nice text saying lots of nice things about him and he sent back 'you're obsessed woman'. WTF? Get over yourself sunshine! If that's the kind of response you get for being complimentary then I might just stop doing it.
I might have to stop getting involved with men. They just annoy me.
Two gripes;
1. I told him that my friend was pregnant. He asked whether she was on the pill to which I replied that I didn't know but that I remembered her being a bit unreliable with it. He then said, 'you're scaring me now - you're reliable with yours aren't you?' to which I replied 'do you really think that I want to have your babies? Of course I am'. So then he gets the hump because he thinks that I am insulting him! Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't asking me to confirm that I'm vigilant with my birth control and indication that he doesn't want me to have his babies?!
2. I sent him a nice text saying lots of nice things about him and he sent back 'you're obsessed woman'. WTF? Get over yourself sunshine! If that's the kind of response you get for being complimentary then I might just stop doing it.
I might have to stop getting involved with men. They just annoy me.
Tuesday 21 August 2007
Spoilt Princess
Well, it was my birthday yesterday. For the first time ever I actually felt spoilt - all because of him. OK, it wasn't ideal that I had to spend the £250 that he gave me on bills but it got me out of a spot... He bought me a beautiful card and some things for my flat; a bottle of pink champagne and then took me out for dinner. All followed by great sex just to set my head in even more of a spin.
He said all the right things over dinner too - like that this was the first time he hadn't felt guilty about being out with me because it's over between him and her and that he's been viewing houses to rent so that he can move out. Part of me is jumping for joy at the prospect that he's leaving her... The other part still doesn't believe that it'll happen (this part has huge support from most of my female friends).
I don't know whether if I could have him all to myself I wouldn't want him but I've got to be honest; when he left last night because he had to be home before she got too suspicious I felt really pissed off (again).
What a fantastically painful experience this is!
He said all the right things over dinner too - like that this was the first time he hadn't felt guilty about being out with me because it's over between him and her and that he's been viewing houses to rent so that he can move out. Part of me is jumping for joy at the prospect that he's leaving her... The other part still doesn't believe that it'll happen (this part has huge support from most of my female friends).
I don't know whether if I could have him all to myself I wouldn't want him but I've got to be honest; when he left last night because he had to be home before she got too suspicious I felt really pissed off (again).
What a fantastically painful experience this is!
Tuesday 14 August 2007
Whine, wine, wine.
I'm asking myself tonight why the hell I can't express my emotions (my rage) without having had a few drinks...?
Speaking to the ex tonight I lost control. He was trying to defend the actions of my last housemate (his business partner). This man stole from me (under ex's direction).
Now I like to think of myself as a reasonable person, that is; a person who uses reason to come to conclusions; and as such seek the counsel of my friends when making judgements about these things. My friends have all supported my notion that stealing from housemates is a bad thing; you should be able to trust those that you reside with. Why then does my ex believes that he can persuade me otherwise? Said ex's arguing skills are astounding but this pushes reason a little too far.
I have put up with ex's assertions that this behaviour may be in some way excusable many times in the past. However, tonight, having had a few glasses of wine I let my real opinions fill the air like a swarm of angry bees.
See the thing is; ex takes the moral high ground when I do something 'wrong' and yet will use every conceivable argument to justify his own behaviour any time that he wants to act like a complete arsehole.
Perhaps if I found a way to express my feelings about these things without the assistance of alcohol I'd be able to do so without it coming out in a torrent of rage. I'm so concentrated on staying 'in control' when I'm sober that I negate my true feelings in order to keep calm - to keep the peace.
I think I'll file this under the 'needs more work' section.
Speaking to the ex tonight I lost control. He was trying to defend the actions of my last housemate (his business partner). This man stole from me (under ex's direction).
Now I like to think of myself as a reasonable person, that is; a person who uses reason to come to conclusions; and as such seek the counsel of my friends when making judgements about these things. My friends have all supported my notion that stealing from housemates is a bad thing; you should be able to trust those that you reside with. Why then does my ex believes that he can persuade me otherwise? Said ex's arguing skills are astounding but this pushes reason a little too far.
I have put up with ex's assertions that this behaviour may be in some way excusable many times in the past. However, tonight, having had a few glasses of wine I let my real opinions fill the air like a swarm of angry bees.
See the thing is; ex takes the moral high ground when I do something 'wrong' and yet will use every conceivable argument to justify his own behaviour any time that he wants to act like a complete arsehole.
Perhaps if I found a way to express my feelings about these things without the assistance of alcohol I'd be able to do so without it coming out in a torrent of rage. I'm so concentrated on staying 'in control' when I'm sober that I negate my true feelings in order to keep calm - to keep the peace.
I think I'll file this under the 'needs more work' section.
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