Sunday, 23 November 2008

Been away for a while...

What have I been up to? Well, I met a boy on the internet and I went on a whole five dates. That's practically a relationship for me. I think he liked the idea of having a relationship with me... He kept saying his friends knew he was 'seeing someone' and that they'd been asking about how the 'relationship' was progressing. This is the point that I totally wigged out and went off him.

I spoke to several friends about what was going on and figured out a few things about myself that are preventing me from having a successful relationship. Mainly I think it comes down to unresolved issues from my childhood (well what doesn't?)

Growing up my mother and older sister always had a better relationship than me and my mother. My sister is a perfectionist and has always done everything to the best of her abilities. School work, piano lessons, house keeping. I on the other hand have always had a bit more of a laissez fair attitude to these things. This resulted in mum saying 'brilliant H well done' and 'C try harder'. As I child I interpreted this to mean that I wasn't good enough... The result is that I find it very difficult to cope with criticism as I have a subconscious belief that I'm not good enough.

I will say that this has some great side effects; I'm constantly striving to prove myself and I'm really ambitious. BUT; as soon as someone critisises me I go to pieces - trying to prove that I'm not what they say I am (even if I am and even if that's not such a bad thing really).

I can deal with being in a relationship with someone who isn't totally focussed on me (like someone who is coming out of a relationship with someone else and is therefore emotionally unavailable to me) but when a guy really likes me I find it incredibly difficult to deal with his expectations (though it's probably more my idea of what his expectations are than his real expectations - are you following? I'm not sure I am!). I think 'god soon he'll find out what I'm really like; that I'm a drunken loser' - that kind of thing. So I reject him before he can reject me.

I must say that coming to these realisations about myself had been cathartic; I now think that until I have raised my self-esteem I shouldn't be within 50 feet of a relationship and I'm happy with that.