tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15382271958164238862024-03-12T21:11:29.438-07:00Adventures of a Warrior PrincessThe Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-54039406397043404662011-11-22T15:29:00.001-08:002011-11-22T15:29:14.276-08:00Oh Baby BabyHope everyone is well and sorry it's been so long; I've been a wee bit busy with work of late, amongst other things. <br />
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Things have moved on a bit in this little old life of mine. I now live with my boyfriend. Did I tell you that? Well, in theory I live with him; he got posted to Cyprus with the RAF in August so he's only home once a month. It's pretty tough. As soon as I'm used to being alone he's back and as soon as I'm used to him being here he's gone again. <br />
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My biggest dilemma at the moment though is the future and mainly the pressure to procreate. My boyfriend really wants to have children but at the moment I'm finding it hard to get my head around. Part of the problem is that he's quite naive and I'm not sure how he'll actually cope with having a child. The other part is that I am the higher earner so not only do I have to take into account giving up my sleep, my sanity, my figure, and my social life but I also have to sacrifice my income and lifestyle as well. I work in London and live in Northampton and couldn't do my job if I had a child, unless I let my partner take over what would traditionally be the mother's role. My sister in law has done this though and is constantly criticised for if (all be it behind her back). <br />
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There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice my lifestyle but there is also a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice the opportunity to be the kind of mother that my mother was to me and my siblings. And as much as it shames me to say it I want my man to recognise this and step up to the mark rather than saying 'should I concentrate on getting a lower paid job that's closer to home?' (so that I can continue in the job I have). <br />
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I really hope that when my boyfriend is back from Cyprus I will feel more supported and more ready, but at the moment I have never felt less ready to have a child. The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-69171500402205201722011-07-07T13:59:00.000-07:002011-07-07T14:24:31.628-07:00Bestie Bust UpI've had a bit of a falling out with my best friend. It's been going on for a few weeks now and you know what it's like - it gets under your skin. It was over something that me and my cousin said to her at a recent barbecue, it was more my cousin really but she (my friend) holds me responsible. Figure that out. She also thinks that I should have stuck up for her.<br /><br />The thing is, what was said wasn't really that bad. If my cousin had said it to me, or I'd said it to her then we would've just brushed it off. If it <span style="font-style:italic;">had</span> annoyed us we would have just told the other to wind her neck in and that would have been it. The problem is, it was true. And my friend doesn't want to hear the truth. But she also doesn't want to stand up for herself either - she wants me to do it for her.<br /><br />As a result of this bust up we had a full blown row. We haven't rowed like that for about 10 years I think - I told her even more truths. About how it's pissed me off for the last 3 years that she'll be spending the evening with me and her boyfriend will text her to 'summons' her and she'll bugger off half way through whatever it was that we were doing. She'd argue that we all want to spend time with the ones that we love, and we do, it's true. But I try not to be rude about it. I also expressed that I was worried about her relationship as I don't think her boyfriend is ever going to give her what she wants (3 years and she can't even ask if she's seeing him that night let alone broach the subject of where their relationship is going). We ended the call by agreeing to put it all behind us and move on - said that we would see each other at the weekend. But we didn't. And we didn't.<br /><br />She's told her sister that from now on she's going to keep me at 'arms length'. After 17 years, one problem and I get relegated. I think that the real problem is that she wants to hide from the truth <span style="font-style:italic;">so much</span> that she will do anything to not have to face it. And she knows that I can't lie. I just don't know how to have a friend that I have to pussy foot around. Or if not that, for there to be this huge part of her life - her relationship - that we can't talk about in case I upset her by telling her that she's not being treated right. I don't know how to have a superficial relationship with a friend of 17 years. I don't know how not to say 'I'm worried about you', 'he's not going to give you what you want'. And should I?<br /><br />I know it's hard when people tell you stuff you don't want to hear. I've been there so many times. But if someone who really cares about you tells you that they're concerned surely you should listen. Shouldn't you?<br /><br />I know she knows that her relationship is not right because she told me so herself but she just wants to hide from the truth for as long as possible. And I'm not sure I know how to let her.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-28938182352784997232011-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:002011-02-25T08:42:51.040-08:00RelationshipsHey folks. Thought I'd better bring you guys up to speed just in case you were worried about me worrying or over thinking or getting blind drunk on a series of first dates... It appears that indeed, completely by accident and just the way that you told me it would happen the right man dropped neatly into my life.<br /><br />I literally just finished with the latest 'not quite right' man. I was seeing him for about a month, he was really keen - too keen in fact. I'd get the same text at the same time every morning ("morning you") and if I didn't reply I'd get further texts increasing in degrees of desperation until I did reply. Too much. Way too much. I tried to finish with him but he was in Sales and he wouldn't take no for an answer so, gutless as I am, I did what a million clients have done to me in the past - I told him I'd think about it and then just hoped if I left it long enough he'd go away.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xiTlFxdhfrY/TWfaC3lc5mI/AAAAAAAAADw/mKSgWpSIqJs/s1600/Alien.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 130px; height: 87px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xiTlFxdhfrY/TWfaC3lc5mI/AAAAAAAAADw/mKSgWpSIqJs/s200/Alien.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5577666406337275490" /></a><br /><br />In the meantime someone who I used to go to school with contacted me; I'd bumped into him for the first time in 15 years the previous year but he'd been away since and had just returned to my home town. I arranged to go out for a drink with him thinking that it would be 'catch up drinks' - not a date and that there was no way having just gotten rid of a clingy bloke that I wanted to get involved with another one...<br /><br />But guess what? Like you all said, once I wasn't worked up about creating a good impression I managed to do it by accident. We laughed about my blog post and about my friends telling me not to give people 'too much Clare' on the first date. We both got rolling drunk (his fault - he ordered Champagne because he was trying to impress me) and had so much to talk about. It was the first time in ages that I ended up crying with laughter.<br /><br />I'm still seeing him, and we're coming up to the three month mark (the end of the probation period) and it's going really well. I had a period where I had to stop myself from trying to find things wrong with him (like him wearing slippers and crying at films) but now I'm getting used to this whole relationship lark. He is away all week for work and only back at the weekends so I think that helps to stop me from feeling claustrophobic and also means that I'm always pleased to see him.<br /><br />In case you're wondering, I did eventually finish with the other bloke properly - I say properly - it was by text but at least I did it.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-59976325672006254442010-10-20T15:13:00.000-07:002010-10-20T15:49:11.951-07:00Relationsh*tsIt's been a long time since my last post.. Probably because I've been terrified that it wouldn't receive the same reaction. However I have decided - no that's a lie - I am compelled to write.<br /><br />In recent months I have found that my work ethic and dedication to my job have begun to pay off and I now find myself with a successful career in a company where people appreciate ambition and focus and drive. Fantastic. Most of the time anyway, I'll leave the bad bits out of this particular post.<br /><br />However, my love-life still appears to be a disaster area. I have decided that I need to start learning what it is that I'm actually supposed to do as although I seem to be very capable in other areas of my life, this is the one that I really let myself down in.<br /><br />Problem 1<br />I am a feminist and far too independent. I have been single (and when I say single I mean that I have no one that I can rely on for help when I need it - the latest squeeze does not qualify as 'the other half') for most of my adult life and I take exception to anyone who waltzes into my life and starts telling me where I'm going wrong. I've worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to let anyone tell me that I should go back to the drawing board.<br /><br />Problem 2<br />Men who I meet at work think I'm fantastic. Customers, colleagues etc. Now I don't mean to sound arrogant (I prefer confident - I couldn't do my job if I wasn't) but I have customers ringing me up and offering me jobs, telling me how fantastically efficient I am, telling me that they want to marry me.. I believe this leads me to having false expectations of how I will be received by the men in my personal life which leads me on to..<br /><br /><br />Problem 3<br />I am useless at dates. Put me in a business meeting and I'm great. I am told that I build great rapport with my clients, that they trust me, that I have an open style of questioning, that I ask for their business without sounding pushy. BUT - on a first date I turn into a nightmare. I get nervous so I drink too much. I have a dislike of small talk so I am way too open and honest with people and when they ask me (I say 'they' but I'm not dating in groups by the way) about myself I tell them everything... My hopes, my desires, my aspirations. The problem with this is that when you tell people about your dreams they often feel like you want them to be a part of it, even if you don't.<br /><br />The truth of the matter is that I don't know where I am with relationships. I certainly don't feel in control. In my career I can close the customer, I can give them an implementation plan so that they are working to my time-scales. I can manage them. Try applying this to a relationship and you either end up controlling someone or defeated. Neither desirable.<br /><br />On a subconscious level I find myself so far out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating that I go into sabotage mode. Trying to find as many faults as possible with the person I'm dating - as a get out clause - or painting myself in the worst light so that they reject me. Because it's easier. Then, when I find this discrepancy between how I'm perceived in my work life and how I'm perceived in my personal life, I'm baffled.<br /><br />I'm OK on my own, probably too OK really. Perhaps a little stuck in my ways but having worked on every other area of my personal development and got them to a point where I'm happy with my progress (though I will always strive to continue to progress) this is the final fronteer. This is the area where I'm falling short and it needs to be addressed.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-71616908285278288292010-04-05T16:07:00.000-07:002010-04-05T16:29:22.587-07:00Doesn't Anyone Want to Fall In Love Anymore?I went out in town the other day only to find myself drowning in a sea of naked flesh. All of the young women displaying the attributes that God had blessed them with in the vain hope that a man may bless her with his attention for the evening. The whole experience made me feel sad for womankind. Like somehow the efforts of our fore-mothers had gone to waste because despite Germaine Greer's attempts to get us out from behind vacuum cleaners all women had done was use their liberation to become nothing more than animated blow up dolls... the media re-boxing us from our category of 'wife and mother' and into a new category of 'sex object'. A different kind of sucking.<br /><br />It's the media who champion Katie Price as the new-age feminist when all she really does is pander to men's desires. Despite the wealth, is this woman really empowered? Has she really found 'happiness'?<br /><br />As much as it may make me sound like a dried up old spinster I mainly blame the women for where we are now. I speak to young men all the time and their attitude is that I should be grateful that they are showing an interest in me, despite the fact that they have nothing to offer in the way of intellectual engagement, morals, wealth, health or general ability in anything. It is the women who have allowed themselves to become objects. It is the women who have championed this detached sexuality; the ideal of looking like a barbie doll, all pneumatic breasts and flawless brows - God help you if you look like you've had some kind of life experience... that would be so UGLY.<br /><br />I would welcome the opportunity to meet someone, in a bar, who is under 30, who would actually be interested in getting to know someone new. Not because she is wearing a tiny boob tube or a ridiculously short skirt but just for the sake of learning something/someone new. For the sake of being interested in humankind.<br /><br />Being an independent, empowered woman is not about how many people you can have sex with. It's not about becoming some manifestation of the ideals projected by a lads' mag, it's about looking in the mirror and saying 'this is me, my natural beauty' and being confident that you are attractive.<br /><br />I see so many women offering their bodies up; there is no need for personality. And so many men accept this as the natural order. Personality comes nowhere, is non-essential. What ever happened to 'boy meets girl'?The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-24652688859312252622010-03-24T16:50:00.000-07:002010-03-24T16:51:17.723-07:00The Cat That Walked By HimselfEAR and attend and listen; for this befell and behappened and became and was, O my Best Beloved, when the Tame animals were wild. The Dog was wild, and the Horse was wild, and the Cow was wild, and the Sheep was wild, and the Pig was wild--as wild as wild could be--and they walked in the Wet Wild Woods by their wild lones. But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him. <br />Of course the Man was wild too. He was dreadfully wild. He didn't even begin to be tame till he met the Woman, and she told him that she did not like living in his wild ways. She picked out a nice dry Cave, instead of a heap of wet leaves, to lie down in; and she strewed clean sand on the floor; and she lit a nice fire of wood at the back of the Cave; and she hung a dried wild-horse skin, tail-down, across the opening of the Cave; and she said, 'Wipe you feet, dear, when you come in, and now we'll keep house.' <br />That night, Best Beloved, they ate wild sheep roasted on the hot stones, and flavoured with wild garlic and wild pepper; and wild duck stuffed with wild rice and wild fenugreek and wild coriander; and marrow-bones of wild oxen; and wild cherries, and wild grenadillas. Then the Man went to sleep in front of the fire ever so happy; but the Woman sat up, combing her hair. She took the bone of the shoulder of mutton--the big fat blade-bone--and she looked at the wonderful marks on it, and she threw more wood on the fire, and she made a Magic. She made the First Singing Magic in the world. <br />Out in the Wet Wild Woods all the wild animals gathered together where they could see the light of the fire a long way off, and they wondered what it meant. <br />Then Wild Horse stamped with his wild foot and said, 'O my Friends and O my Enemies, why have the Man and the Woman made that great light in that great Cave, and what harm will it do us?' <br />Wild Dog lifted up his wild nose and smelled the smell of roast mutton, and said, 'I will go up and see and look, and say; for I think it is good. Cat, come with me.' <br />'Nenni!' said the Cat. 'I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. I will not come.' <br />'Then we can never be friends again,' said Wild Dog, and he trotted off to the Cave. But when he had gone a little way the Cat said to himself, 'All places are alike to me. Why should I not go too and see and look and come away at my own liking.' So he slipped after Wild Dog softly, very softly, and hid himself where he could hear everything. <br />When Wild Dog reached the mouth of the Cave he lifted up the dried horse-skin with his nose and sniffed the beautiful smell of the roast mutton, and the Woman, looking at the blade-bone, heard him, and laughed, and said, 'Here comes the first. Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, what do you want?' <br />Wild Dog said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, what is this that smells so good in the Wild Woods?' <br />Then the Woman picked up a roasted mutton-bone and threw it to Wild Dog, and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, taste and try.' Wild Dog gnawed the bone, and it was more delicious than anything he had ever tasted, and he said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, give me another.' <br />The Woman said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, help my Man to hunt through the day and guard this Cave at night, and I will give you as many roast bones as you need.' <br />'Ah!' said the Cat, listening. 'This is a very wise Woman, but she is not so wise as I am.' <br />Wild Dog crawled into the Cave and laid his head on the Woman's lap, and said, 'O my Friend and Wife of my Friend, I will help Your Man to hunt through the day, and at night I will guard your Cave.' <br />'Ah!' said the Cat, listening. 'That is a very foolish Dog.' And he went back through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail, and walking by his wild lone. But he never told anybody. <br />When the Man waked up he said, 'What is Wild Dog doing here?' And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend, because he will be our friend for always and always and always. Take him with you when you go hunting.' <br />Next night the Woman cut great green armfuls of fresh grass from the water-meadows, and dried it before the fire, so that it smelt like new-mown hay, and she sat at the mouth of the Cave and plaited a halter out of horse-hide, and she looked at the shoulder of mutton-bone--at the big broad blade-bone--and she made a Magic. She made the Second Singing Magic in the world. <br />Out in the Wild Woods all the wild animals wondered what had happened to Wild Dog, and at last Wild Horse stamped with his foot and said, 'I will go and see and say why Wild Dog has not returned. Cat, come with me.' <br />'Nenni!' said the Cat. 'I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. I will not come.' But all the same he followed Wild Horse softly, very softly, and hid himself where he could hear everything. <br />When the Woman heard Wild Horse tripping and stumbling on his long mane, she laughed and said, 'Here comes the second. Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods what do you want?' <br />Wild Horse said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, where is Wild Dog?' <br />The Woman laughed, and picked up the blade-bone and looked at it, and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, you did not come here for Wild Dog, but for the sake of this good grass.' <br />And Wild Horse, tripping and stumbling on his long mane, said, 'That is true; give it me to eat.' <br />The Woman said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, bend your wild head and wear what I give you, and you shall eat the wonderful grass three times a day.' <br />'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'this is a clever Woman, but she is not so clever as I am.' Wild Horse bent his wild head, and the Woman slipped the plaited hide halter over it, and Wild Horse breathed on the Woman's feet and said, 'O my Mistress, and Wife of my Master, I will be your servant for the sake of the wonderful grass.' <br />'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'that is a very foolish Horse.' And he went back through the Wet Wild Woods, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone. But he never told anybody. <br />When the Man and the Dog came back from hunting, the Man said, 'What is Wild Horse doing here?' And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Horse any more, but the First Servant, because he will carry us from place to place for always and always and always. Ride on his back when you go hunting. <br />Next day, holding her wild head high that her wild horns should not catch in the wild trees, Wild Cow came up to the Cave, and the Cat followed, and hid himself just the same as before; and everything happened just the same as before; and the Cat said the same things as before, and when Wild Cow had promised to give her milk to the Woman every day in exchange for the wonderful grass, the Cat went back through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone, just the same as before. But he never told anybody. And when the Man and the Horse and the Dog came home from hunting and asked the same questions same as before, the Woman said, 'Her name is not Wild Cow any more, but the Giver of Good Food. She will give us the warm white milk for always and always and always, and I will take care of her while you and the First Friend and the First Servant go hunting. <br />Next day the Cat waited to see if any other Wild thing would go up to the Cave, but no one moved in the Wet Wild Woods, so the Cat walked there by himself; and he saw the Woman milking the Cow, and he saw the light of the fire in the Cave, and he smelt the smell of the warm white milk. <br />Cat said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, where did Wild Cow go?' <br />The Woman laughed and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, go back to the Woods again, for I have braided up my hair, and I have put away the magic blade-bone, and we have no more need of either friends or servants in our Cave. <br />Cat said, 'I am not a friend, and I am not a servant. I am the Cat who walks by himself, and I wish to come into your cave.' <br />Woman said, 'Then why did you not come with First Friend on the first night?' <br />Cat grew very angry and said, 'Has Wild Dog told tales of me?' <br />Then the Woman laughed and said, 'You are the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to you. Your are neither a friend nor a servant. You have said it yourself. Go away and walk by yourself in all places alike.' <br />Then Cat pretended to be sorry and said, 'Must I never come into the Cave? Must I never sit by the warm fire? Must I never drink the warm white milk? You are very wise and very beautiful. You should not be cruel even to a Cat.' <br />Woman said, 'I knew I was wise, but I did not know I was beautiful. So I will make a bargain with you. If ever I say one word in your praise you may come into the Cave.' <br />'And if you say two words in my praise?' said the Cat. <br />'I never shall,' said the Woman, 'but if I say two words in your praise, you may sit by the fire in the Cave.' <br />'And if you say three words?' said the Cat. <br />'I never shall,' said the Woman, 'but if I say three words in your praise, you may drink the warm white milk three times a day for always and always and always.' <br />Then the Cat arched his back and said, 'Now let the Curtain at the mouth of the Cave, and the Fire at the back of the Cave, and the Milk-pots that stand beside the Fire, remember what my Enemy and the Wife of my Enemy has said.' And he went away through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone. <br />That night when the Man and the Horse and the Dog came home from hunting, the Woman did not tell them of the bargain that she had made with the Cat, because she was afraid that they might not like it. <br />Cat went far and far away and hid himself in the Wet Wild Woods by his wild lone for a long time till the Woman forgot all about him. Only the Bat--the little upside-down Bat--that hung inside the Cave, knew where Cat hid; and every evening Bat would fly to Cat with news of what was happening. <br />One evening Bat said, 'There is a Baby in the Cave. He is new and pink and fat and small, and the Woman is very fond of him.' <br />'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'but what is the Baby fond of?' <br />'He is fond of things that are soft and tickle,' said the Bat. 'He is fond of warm things to hold in his arms when he goes to sleep. He is fond of being played with. He is fond of all those things.' <br />'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'then my time has come.' <br />Next night Cat walked through the Wet Wild Woods and hid very near the Cave till morning-time, and Man and Dog and Horse went hunting. The Woman was busy cooking that morning, and the Baby cried and interrupted. So she carried him outside the Cave and gave him a handful of pebbles to play with. But still the Baby cried. <br />Then the Cat put out his paddy paw and patted the Baby on the cheek, and it cooed; and the Cat rubbed against its fat knees and tickled it under its fat chin with his tail. And the Baby laughed; and the Woman heard him and smiled. <br />Then the Bat--the little upside-down bat--that hung in the mouth of the Cave said, 'O my Hostess and Wife of my Host and Mother of my Host's Son, a Wild Thing from the Wild Woods is most beautifully playing with your Baby.' <br />'A blessing on that Wild Thing whoever he may be,' said the Woman, straightening her back, 'for I was a busy woman this morning and he has done me a service.' <br />That very minute and second, Best Beloved, the dried horse-skin Curtain that was stretched tail-down at the mouth of the Cave fell down--whoosh!--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when the Woman went to pick it up--lo and behold!--the Cat was sitting quite comfy inside the Cave. <br />'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'it is I: for you have spoken a word in my praise, and now I can sit within the Cave for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.' <br />The Woman was very angry, and shut her lips tight and took up her spinning-wheel and began to spin. But the Baby cried because the Cat had gone away, and the Woman could not hush it, for it struggled and kicked and grew black in the face. <br />'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'take a strand of the wire that you are spinning and tie it to your spinning-whorl and drag it along the floor, and I will show you a magic that shall make your Baby laugh as loudly as he is now crying.' <br />'I will do so,' said the Woman, 'because I am at my wits' end; but I will not thank you for it.' <br />She tied the thread to the little clay spindle whorl and drew it across the floor, and the Cat ran after it and patted it with his paws and rolled head over heels, and tossed it backward over his shoulder and chased it between his hind-legs and pretended to lose it, and pounced down upon it again, till the Baby laughed as loudly as it had been crying, and scrambled after the Cat and frolicked all over the Cave till it grew tired and settled down to sleep with the Cat in its arms. <br />'Now,' said the Cat, 'I will sing the Baby a song that shall keep him asleep for an hour. And he began to purr, loud and low, low and loud, till the Baby fell fast asleep. The Woman smiled as she looked down upon the two of them and said, 'That was wonderfully done. No question but you are very clever, O Cat.' <br />That very minute and second, Best Beloved, the smoke of the fire at the back of the Cave came down in clouds from the roof--puff!--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when it had cleared away--lo and behold!--the Cat was sitting quite comfy close to the fire. <br />'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of My Enemy,' said the Cat, 'it is I, for you have spoken a second word in my praise, and now I can sit by the warm fire at the back of the Cave for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.' <br />Then the Woman was very very angry, and let down her hair and put more wood on the fire and brought out the broad blade-bone of the shoulder of mutton and began to make a Magic that should prevent her from saying a third word in praise of the Cat. It was not a Singing Magic, Best Beloved, it was a Still Magic; and by and by the Cave grew so still that a little wee-wee mouse crept out of a corner and ran across the floor. <br />'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'is that little mouse part of your magic?' <br />'Ouh! Chee! No indeed!' said the Woman, and she dropped the blade-bone and jumped upon the footstool in front of the fire and braided up her hair very quick for fear that the mouse should run up it. <br />'Ah,' said the Cat, watching, 'then the mouse will do me no harm if I eat it?' <br />'No,' said the Woman, braiding up her hair, 'eat it quickly and I will ever be grateful to you.' <br />Cat made one jump and caught the little mouse, and the Woman said, 'A hundred thanks. Even the First Friend is not quick enough to catch little mice as you have done. You must be very wise.' <br />That very moment and second, O Best Beloved, the Milk-pot that stood by the fire cracked in two pieces--ffft--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when the Woman jumped down from the footstool--lo and behold!--the Cat was lapping up the warm white milk that lay in one of the broken pieces. <br />'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy, said the Cat, 'it is I; for you have spoken three words in my praise, and now I can drink the warm white milk three times a day for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.' <br />Then the Woman laughed and set the Cat a bowl of the warm white milk and said, 'O Cat, you are as clever as a man, but remember that your bargain was not made with the Man or the Dog, and I do not know what they will do when they come home.' <br />'What is that to me?' said the Cat. 'If I have my place in the Cave by the fire and my warm white milk three times a day I do not care what the Man or the Dog can do.' <br />That evening when the Man and the Dog came into the Cave, the Woman told them all the story of the bargain while the Cat sat by the fire and smiled. Then the Man said, 'Yes, but he has not made a bargain with me or with all proper Men after me.' Then he took off his two leather boots and he took up his little stone axe (that makes three) and he fetched a piece of wood and a hatchet (that is five altogether), and he set them out in a row and he said, 'Now we will make our bargain. If you do not catch mice when you are in the Cave for always and always and always, I will throw these five things at you whenever I see you, and so shall all proper Men do after me.' <br />'Ah,' said the Woman, listening, 'this is a very clever Cat, but he is not so clever as my Man.' <br />The Cat counted the five things (and they looked very knobby) and he said, 'I will catch mice when I am in the Cave for always and always and always; but still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.' <br />'Not when I am near,' said the Man. 'If you had not said that last I would have put all these things away for always and always and always; but I am now going to throw my two boots and my little stone axe (that makes three) at you whenever I meet you. And so shall all proper Men do after me!' <br />Then the Dog said, 'Wait a minute. He has not made a bargain with me or with all proper Dogs after me.' And he showed his teeth and said, 'If you are not kind to the Baby while I am in the Cave for always and always and always, I will hunt you till I catch you, and when I catch you I will bite you. And so shall all proper Dogs do after me.' <br />'Ah,' said the Woman, listening, 'this is a very clever Cat, but he is not so clever as the Dog.' <br />Cat counted the Dog's teeth (and they looked very pointed) and he said, 'I will be kind to the Baby while I am in the Cave, as long as he does not pull my tail too hard, for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.' <br />'Not when I am near,' said the Dog. 'If you had not said that last I would have shut my mouth for always and always and always; but now I am going to hunt you up a tree whenever I meet you. And so shall all proper Dogs do after me.' <br />Then the Man threw his two boots and his little stone axe (that makes three) at the Cat, and the Cat ran out of the Cave and the Dog chased him up a tree; and from that day to this, Best Beloved, three proper Men out of five will always throw things at a Cat whenever they meet him, and all proper Dogs will chase him up a tree. But the Cat keeps his side of the bargain too. He will kill mice and he will be kind to Babies when he is in the house, just as long as they do not pull his tail too hard. But when he has done that, and between times, and when the moon gets up and night comes, he is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him. Then he goes out to the Wet Wild Woods or up the Wet Wild Trees or on the Wet Wild Roofs, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-89413723776701068702010-03-03T14:26:00.000-08:002010-03-03T14:39:25.175-08:00I have not the time...So I am writing a list. Two lists.<br /><br />Things I don't like;<br /><br />Doing the cleaning<br />Painting my nails<br />Being late and having to rush<br />Pot holes<br />Toothache<br />Storage heating<br />My car park looking like a rubbish dump<br />People with 'agendas'<br />People who label you and then refuse to change their opinion despite contrary evidence<br /><br />Things I like;<br /><br />My cat<br />Having a clean house<br />Having painted nails<br />The feeling I get after having been to the gym<br />My car's computer telling me that it's 17,000 miles until my next service is due<br />Fruit<br />My family<br />Nice handbags<br />Winning business<br /><br />That'll do for now.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-67565406268173520832010-02-23T10:59:00.000-08:002010-02-23T11:13:41.274-08:00Alright Y'allLong time no see.<br /><br />It only takes a bit of flattery to spur me into action. One nice comment and I think 'hmm, maybe I should start writing again.<br /><br />I'm not going to read my last post as I reckon it will make me puke. Thinking about that bloke usually makes me feel like that. I've never been able to work out how you can go from thinking that you might just fall in love with someone to wondering how on earth you were ever attracted to them. Ever. I actually feel physically repulsed at the thought of him and then immediately after that feel guilty for feeling like that because he didn't really do anything wrong. He just drank to much. And smoked too much. And called me 'babe'. And he'd walk in to my flat and say 'put telly on babe'. I should've known then. <br /><br />I blame my friends. They're always saying 'oh give him a chance... don't do what you normally do and find reasons for it not to work'. I'm not FINDING reasons, they are just there.<br /><br />Anyway - no chance of me being a smug couply person. <br /><br />Muchos good news though; I managed to land my dream job... Now all I have to do is make sure I consistently sell loads of shit (not literally shit) in order to keep it. No pressure. It means working 60 hour weeks, if not 70 but I'm hoping that it's going to be worth it. I'm in this one for the long haul.<br /><br />The only trouble with working this hard is that you lose your ability to spend your time doing trivial stuff like watching TV or noodling on Facebook. Not much of a sacrifice though really.<br /><br />The other thing that I find slightly irritating is that I appear to have swapped one bunch of negative colleagues for another. Seriously - the guys at my new company don't know their born... They get leads passed to them all the time and do little or no self generating - yet still they moan that they don't get enough. I'm concentrating my efforts on spending as much time as possible with the positive people. I need to keep myself on a high.<br /><br />I'll try to be a bit better at posting but for now... Toodle pip!The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-23313032823613315612009-10-26T14:16:00.000-07:002009-10-26T14:25:29.478-07:00In Danger of Becoming a Smug Couply PersonSo I've (pretty much) come to terms with the fact that I am in a relationship. We've been seeing each other for like A WHOLE MONTH! Which is something of a record for me these days seeing as how he's not all like, emotionally unavailable an that. <br /><br />No, this one doesn't have an ex girlfriend, or ex wife or ex anything to distract him and despite my previous panic I'm now actually enjoying being his 'girlfriend'. I even bought him a toothbrush. Now how's that for commitment? <br /><br />The only thing I AM worried about is that I was on the phone to my single friend the other night (the one that I always used to complain to about the damn happy couply people with) and I started saying all the things that I used to hate. Like; 'it won't be like this forever, I never thought I'd meet anyone and then low and behold I met N in a place where I never thought I'd meet anyone' and 'no, if it's not right kick him to the curb... you need to be with someone who you KNOW is right - even if he doesn't tick all your boxes'.<br /><br />I used to get so pissed off with people for saying that kind of thing. I'd think - 'how the hell do you know?! I could be on my own forever'. And now here I am throwing caution to the wind like all those other crazy fools that I've criticised in the past.<br /><br />But you know what? N looks after me. He wants to help me out. He doesn't put me down or make me feel bad (even when I accidentally throw red wine all over his favorite shirt). He makes me feel good about being me and like maybe I may have a future with someone.<br /><br />I checked in with my friend to make sure I wasn't being unbearable and she said not. I'm glad. I hope she'll tell me if I get like that.<br /><br />And you know what? I'm just going to enjoy this feeling.<br /><br />Now if I can just stop him going on about my biological clock....The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-42118087104253590052009-10-04T04:17:00.000-07:002009-10-04T04:37:00.272-07:00The Rise and Rise of the CommitmentophobeWell I met a boy (man really), not on the internet but in real life and well - he's pretty keen. We get on really well, I fancy him, he fancies me but... Why is there always a but?<br /><br />Despite the fact that I do really like him and I think the relationship has 'potential' (he knows how to discuss politics and he can spell and stuff) I still have this niggle... I'm scared of losing my freedom; my independence.<br /><br />It's not that I think that all of a sudden he's going to stop me going out and seeing my mates and stuff like that; he doesn't strike me as the type. I'm scared of having to consider someone else. At all. Selfish aren't I?<br /><br />We were talking last night (during a night in watching Strictly - how couply is that?!), chatting about family and so on and he said 'you'll have to meet my mum soon'. I can only imagine from his reaction that a look of sheer panic passed across my face because the next thing he said was 'have I said the wrong thing?'. What is UP with me?! Why does that freak me out so much - surely if you want to be in a relationship all that family meeting stuff is just par for the course.. <br /><br />I think my problem with it is that once you meet the family there is a certain level of expectation; from them, from you, and of the relationship. Or am I just freaking myself out? I think I may be.<br /><br />So now I'm doing what I always do by thinking that if I'm having doubts then maybe it's not right. But I ALWAYS do that. And he's great - there is no reason that it shouldn't work apart from me being an idiot. I need to get my friends to sort me out I reckon.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-45159012088732966372009-09-22T10:23:00.000-07:002009-09-22T10:33:37.779-07:0050/50Well the meeting went well. Thanks for your messages of support. I think it will be between me and another dealer and I should know within the next two weeks so keep everything crossed for me until then please!<br /><br />I still haven't quite got over the representative from our partner company (who A also asked to mentor me) telling me that if I can't have a relationship without arguing then I have issues that I may need some 'help' to work out. Erm.. Thanks love - I need your help to sell into the corporate market. If I want relationship advice I'll write to Dear Deirdre.<br /><br />I can't understand why so many people in my work-life are so obsessed with me finding a man. Yeah it'd be nice, but I'm not losing any sleep over it so why should they? I keep getting people telling me that it would 'stabilise' me. I'm not unstable! Piss off!<br /><br />Had a good chat with A after the meeting too; there are lots of opportunities presenting themselves at work at the moment and I think I just have to bide my time and hopefully one that fits me will come along. Or - they'll just keep promoting my colleagues.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-71444240191411334682009-09-21T11:10:00.000-07:002009-09-21T11:19:20.471-07:00PMAI've just come back from a run so I thought I'd knock out a quick post whilst the endorphins are still zipping about in my system; it's going to be a positive one.<br /><br />Right, number a) I am going to be doing a presentation tomorrow that could be worth £38k. That would wipe the floor with James for the year. It's more that his accumulated profit so far. Fingers crossed guys.<br /><br />Number b) I must say that I'm looking pretty good at the moment. My resolution when I came back from India was to start taking more care over my appearance and I have to say it's making me feel much better. Plus all the gym sessions and running means I'm slimmer and fitter than ever. Booyah!<br /><br />Number c) If I do get this deal it would pay off the remainder of my debt in one go. Whoop!<br /><br />Number d) I had a lovely weekend with my three favorite women in the world; my sister, my mum and my niece.<br /><br />Life is not so bad; frustrating at times, but not so bad.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-28916568497875782722009-09-20T11:24:00.000-07:002009-09-20T11:48:20.193-07:00Saturation point.I'll give you a brief overview of what has happened over the last week;<br /><br />We have a new Ops Manager, as I may have mentioned. He's very flirty with all of the women and very much the diplomat. We have worked together on various different projects and I thought we were getting on really well.<br /><br />The week before last, on a Friday I had a long conversation with A where we ironed out some of our differences (which is good) but he also dropped a bit of a bomb-shell which is that the Ops Manager was recommending my colleague, James, for promotion into the Sales Manager's role.<br /><br />To make things clear to you guys, this is not a job that I want. I can't be bothered with the stress of being promoted above my colleagues. It's hard enough just to get on with them let alone having to manage them and I know that they'd be so bitter about it that they'd make it as hard as possible. I know that this is the role that A sees me in and maybe I'd do it within a different company as he's suggested before (like if he bought a company and I'd have new staff to manage) but this particular role? No thanks.<br /><br />But I don't want James as my boss either. I know, I know... I sound like I'm being bitter but I can't help it. He's not even a team player let alone a people manager. He's lied and cheated and manipulated to get leads from management. He also makes a big thing about only working part time hours etc and as I said in my previous post, he's the one who has his work phone switched off when they track us on a Friday afternoon. James and I don't get on. How am I going to cope with having him telling me what to do?<br /><br />So it's not set in stone (or so A told me) but the Ops Manager made the suggestion to A (Managing Director) and the Chairman and came straight out of the meeting and called James to tell him what he was recommending. James then called A to tell him how pleased he was. So how can A then say that it's not going to happen without undermining the Ops Manager? He can't. Clever Ops Manager.<br /><br />The other tit bit of info that A gave me was that when he was chatting to the Ops Manager about me, when he suggested me for management the Ops manager <span style="font-style:italic;">winced</span>. Can you believe that? <br /><br />So in an endeavor to find out what the fudge is going on in this guy's head I asked to see both him and A to talk about my prospects within the organisation and the proposed new structure of the business. I went along with some great ideas for a new role for someone (i.e. me) to manage the relationship between our company and the business partner companies - the other companies who's products we sell. Whilst in the meeting A repeatedly tried (by taking various hypothetical positions out of the equations) to make me say that I wanted the sales manager's role which eventually I did, but like; 'if there was no other way I could move up within the company then yes, I would go for the sales manager role'. I then turned to the Ops Manager and said 'do you think that I would be good in a manager's role' and he replied; 'I don't know'. <br /><br />Now I'm not being funny but if you thought that someone was so unsuitable for a role that when someone asks for your opinion you wince, surely you should have some kind of feedback as to why? The fact that he said 'I don't know' makes me think that he is not bothered about my development at all. So maybe if he'd have said, 'I think that you'd be more suited to....' or 'I think you have some areas to work on first, such as....' I'd think, OK, fair enough. I could work with that. But he didn't.<br /><br />Since all this started I've had advice from A, and H, and my mum and just about everyone else and I have now reached saturation point. I'm exhausted by it. I'm just going to get my head down for a while and do my job. I'm not sure what to do about the job hunt either - maybe I should wait a while and see how the dust settles. I know that I'll have to apply for this position whether I want it or not so maybe I'll get something else out of it. <br /><br />I can't help thinking that one of the reasons that the Ops Manager didn't put me forward is that I don't respond to his flirting and that he can't manipulate me. I also think that he's a little sexist and finds strong women quite intimidating. I have my suspicions that he has a really tiny penis too.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-28403844945784402472009-09-15T11:36:00.001-07:002009-09-15T11:47:04.677-07:00ConundrumSo you work your ass off; take as much advice as you can from the powers that be, go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you’re prepared for every meeting, state your intentions, let them all know how ambitious you are and help to improve the procedures within the company. You do all this and still self generate all of your own sales and come joint 1st on the league table.<br /><br />He works part time hours on a full time contract. He states this in front of you and your colleagues on a regular basis, he doesn’t work on Fridays. He talks about sex openly and crudely in front of colleagues and business associates alike. When the company decides to track everyone, he’s the one with his phone switched off. He is given handed sales leads to convert and comes joint 1st on the league table.<br /><br />So when it comes down to it; who gets offered a promotion?The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-25675243885993491552009-09-08T14:33:00.000-07:002009-09-08T14:40:31.938-07:00100th Post!!Is it too much to be looking for a new job and love at the same time? Probably. Can I sustain that level of rejection? Hmmm... Not sure.<br /><br />I'm fed up with work. I'm fed up with busting my ass for sales only to have all the other elements involved fuck it all up at the last minute and I'm fed up of getting crap commission so I'm looking for a job. Not the best time though is it? Ah well - we'll see what happens.<br /><br />On the love front; I messaged two blokes and they didn't message me back. What's all that about? I dunno - no wonder us women wait for the blokes to make the first move. But hey, I feel your pain fellas - you guys are expected to just get used to the rejection.<br /><br />I'm also fed up of A not being able to keep his emotions in check. This is where everyone gets to have a little gloat cos they told me that my relationship with him would cause me problems. He needs to get his ass to Vipassana - that's where I learned to rationalise my emotions. <br /><br />I'll let you know how it goes. Happy 100th my lovelies. xThe Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-1758301484550257062009-07-29T14:28:00.000-07:002009-07-29T14:52:29.104-07:00A Good News PostLots of good news.<br /><br />I have a new friend at work, H. She's from Belfast and has a similar work ethic to me. She's a bit more 'play hard' than I am these days but we're on par with the 'work hard' part. It's great because the friend that I used to talk to about work stress buggered off to Australia about 6 months ago so having someone to sound off to is a godsend. Also it's nice to have another strong female in my everyday life again. I'm fed up of being the only one.<br /><br />I am also now my trainer's strongest lady client. Go me! I can now dumb bell press 12.5 kg. I'm impressed - I have no doubt you are too. Plus I am a whole stone lighter than I was when I started. K would like to feel proud of me but his relationship with me prevents him from doing so, so I am just gonna have to be proud of myself.<br /><br />I have lots of big sales in the pipeline. Great news.<br /><br />On the 'I'm not entirely sure if this is good news' front... I have a new boss and I think that he fancies me. I'm not wanting to sound conceited (though those of you who know me know that I am) or anything but most of my bosses seem to develop some kind of thing for me and I'm not sure why. At the moment it's just an feeling that I get from him - he makes a thing of having private 'in' jokes with me and points out how unprofessional that is. Tonight I called him about work and he kept me talking for over 25 minutes - not about work. I was telling him about training last night and he was saying that he had all these images of me in his head 'lifting weights and stuff'. What do you reckon? I reckon he wants a bit. Of course if anything were to happen it would be utterly disastrous... A would be horrified and would hate me because he thinks that he has some claim over me. It would be an insult to him if I went off with another older man; he wouldn't be able to rationalise his emotions and he'd be vile to me. I'm tempted to do it just for the drama. <br /><br />Jokes! Not really guys. My days of throwing spanners in works are over. I'm a good girl now. <br /><br />More good news - I'm going to bloody India! Woo hoo... On holiday. I'm really hoping to have a fantastic time, not like the time that I went to South Africa and HATED it. I am confident that it won't be like that because I'm going with like-minded people. Hopefully we will sit talking and philosophising and reminiscing until the early hours of each morning and spend our days drinking in the culture. I will be taking my journal in the hope that I find inspiration!<br /><br />The next post will be my 100th! I'd better go and have an adventure to write about.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-26770442402247664042009-07-14T14:03:00.000-07:002009-07-14T14:33:12.806-07:00Uuuuuugggghhhhh!My life is stagnant. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. Good job, decent income, nice flat, no fuckwit to mess with my mind or interfere with my life... Things are good. Very good. I'm not drinking too much, quit smoking, go to the gym, I'm fit, healthy, slim. I get to work on time. Perform well (when service providers and networks don't fuck about with my sales), do what is expected of me and more... and so on and so on.<br /><br />I'm just so frustrated. (Please God don't read this post and send some shit to come and keep me entertained, like cancer for a loved one or a fire to destroy my earthly possessions - I KNOW how lucky I am and am reminded that I must do more for charity... I did sponsor that bloke this week though...).<br /><br />I need more; more than this job. I need to be stretched - I need to earn more so that I can have more freedom - I need to start fulfilling my potential. I need to take the next step. I have various things in the pipeline such as a wine business and a potential new sales job that doesn't have people who are in contracts that are set in stone. I'm pushing. Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough. Or not pushing the right spot.<br /><br />I'm so frustrated that at times I wish I was one of those 'ordinary' people. That I could just plod through life in some boring job, satisfied with my lot. Maybe I could be a single mum on benefits. Maybe a housewife. But then I look at these people and realise that a) they're not happy and b) if I was one of them I'd hate myself. So I can't.<br /><br />I can't help feeling frustrated. I'm frustrated with my sister for being the epitome of 'The Female Eunuch'. I'm frustrated with her not being able to identify why she's feeling so miserable - to see that it's her total lack of an identity that is making her feel so lost. I'm frustrated with my mother for not helping her to cope with her new baby. I'm frustrated that my mother expects people to be unhappy and begrudges them assistance when they struggle. I'm frustrated that she thinks that because I don't have a baby I have nothing in my life worth taking an interest in and that she thinks that I'M the one who's mixed up my priorities. I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a man (under the age of 50) that has the balls or conviction in his attraction to me to go out of his way to impress me. I'm also frustrated that I haven't met a man in the last 24 months that has anything to offer me other than shit, sanctimonious advice about how I'm getting it all wrong. Fuck you! I'd rather retire on a yacht than in a fucking teepee!<br /><br />I need to move things on... Got to push on - got to make something, build something... Show the world what I can do. Got to buy my future freedom. This space is too small! I want more.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-31685896737167901172009-06-29T14:41:00.000-07:002009-06-29T14:52:38.987-07:00I Wish I Had Written This!'The sophisticated argument is that promiscuity devalues sex, makes it commonplace, impersonal and so forth, but the kind of depression felt by the men forced by circumstances to be more or less promiscuous, like traveling musicians, is really still the same old disgust. Very few men who have slept around casually are able to converse humanely with the women who have extended their favours. Many a woman sorrowfully reflects that her more recherche sexual techniques, her more delicate apprehensions of her polymorphous partner's needs, her very sexual generosity has directly entailed her lover's eventual revulsion and estrangement. We may find a key to sexual outrage and murder in the inability of men to shed their inhibitions with the fine woman who is good enough to marry, and their terror and disgust at what the repressed desire eventually forces them to do. The worst aspect of prostitution is that many a prostitute must undergo the bestial rituals which civilised men find necessary for sexual release. Many prostitutes claim this as their social function. The unfortunate girls found strangled with their own stockings and raped with bottles are the victims of male fetishism and loathing, and yet no woman has ever cried out after such an outrage on her sex, 'Why do you hate us so?', although hate it clearly is.'<br /><br />Germain Greer - The Female Eunuch 1970The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-5704045519490580952009-06-28T13:54:00.000-07:002009-06-28T14:13:49.601-07:00A Boring Catch-Up PostI have been trying to think of things to write about for ages... I find it difficult to write when I'm not pissed off and I have to say that the majority of the time these days, I'm not pissed off.<br /><br />I read back over some of my old posts the other day and was a little annoyed that most of them seem to be related to men. I feel that I must make an effort to redress this balance and I suppose this would be a good time to start since I don't have any in my life at the moment. (Though I did give up the whole celibacy thing cos it was a bit boring once I'd proved that I could do it).<br /><br />I have now dieted myself back into my favorite pair of jeans which is great because I LOVE them and wear them every day, pretty much. I'm still really enjoying the fitness lark too - I have some impressive muscles... I don't look like a body builder or anything though. That would be yucky.<br /><br />I'm missing not having a garden in this hot weather and I'm thinking if I don't change jobs soon I may need to think about moving; I could do with having a house with a garden. Midgey would like that too I think. I could get him a harness... He's too much of a scaredy cat to go out wandering on his own.<br /><br />I'm off to India in August which I'm really looking forward to... We'll be traveling from Mumbai to Agra, then down to Goa and hopefully to Kerala for a bit and then back up to Mumbai before flying home. Though having just checked out a few bits on the internet, Kerala may be a bit ambitious so maybe we'll have to leave that bit out. I'm looking forward to the adventure though!The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-34685638781250181752009-03-24T16:04:00.000-07:002009-06-19T15:38:06.605-07:00All My Idols Have Feet of ClayI’m writing this out of sheer frustration and utter disappointment. I have allowed myself to be let down again; I’ve expected too much. A man who I very much admire and respect for a number of reasons (negotiating skills, sales technique, business acumen) has shown himself not only to be human; but to be just a man.<br /><br />A is my boss, my Managing Director. He’s also a close friend and yes, I am aware that he is physically attracted to me. We have had problems in our relationship previously similar to the ones that I am going to describe here. The problems led me to stop socialising with him for many months but recently, because he has had a couple of business victories (mainly the purchase of a new company) I agreed to go out to dinner with him. <br /><br />Prior to this dinner we had been getting on very well and he had been mentoring me at work and encouraging me to develop further in my career. I have been much more committed to the business since the beginning of the New Year and having pointed this out I started pushing for more responsibility. As I said, I know that Austen has feelings for me that go above and beyond a working relationship but I have stated in no uncertain terms several times before that there is absolutely NO CHANCE of there ever being any kind of romantic development between us.<br /><br />Admittedly we had a great time when we went out together; we had a laugh and enjoyed the food and wine; bitched about colleagues and talked about our aspirations and dreams for the future. By the end of the evening I could see he had a soppy look in his eye and said to him that I did not think it was a good idea for us to go out again because of that. He tried to say that I had the same look (projecting) and I reiterated for the millionth time that I did not have those kinds of feelings for him; that I see him as a good friend and nothing more.<br /><br />The following week during a work related meeting in the office. He told me that he had made up his mind; he new what he wanted (me) and that he always gets what he wants, and that he wasn’t going to fail. This made me feel really uncomfortable, not just because it’s not very nice for someone to ignore the fact that you have rebuffed them, but that he was objectifying me. He – a man who is supposedly my friend, someone who respects me – is turning me into a ‘sale’ or the purchase of a business; just another contest to be won. The phrase ‘no means no’ springs to mind; why can’t he respect my feelings on the matter? Why does he have to push it?<br /><br />Later that week he asked me out for dinner; I declined. He kept texting me advice on my private life that I hadn’t asked for. It was too much; too intrusive. But I didn’t know what to do. I can’t just ignore him – he’s my boss. I replied in polite but non-conversational tones. He text me saying ‘We’ll go for dinner next week’ and ‘Which day is best for you?’ – The assumptive close. I said that I couldn’t do dinner he asked if it was a case that I ‘couldn’t’ or ‘didn’t want to’. I told the truth.<br /><br />I was with another male friend while he was texting me who said that I should just go – it’s a free dinner and that if it was going to further my career why didn’t I just fuck him? He was joking, of course, but still I feel that he has missed the point somewhat. I’m being put in a really awkward position by and authority figure. A man who, in all other aspects of life I have the utmost respect for. I’m expected to handle this all on my own, I know that if I talked to my mother, my sister, my female friends that they would probably put the responsibility on my shoulders; why was I so silly to think that I could be friends with this man? Twice?! What did I expect? But there is still a part – a big part – of me that thinks that that’s bullshit. Why shouldn’t I be able to be friends with him? Surely it’s him that’s being ridiculous thinking that he could have a sexual relationship with me – a woman half his age? Surely he should be the responsible one? He’s the one in the position of authority! Yet – I’m supposed to just deal with it, handle it as best I can because at the end of the day HE’S A MAN and he can’t help himself.<br /><br />Now; because I’ve blown him out again I have to try to handle him being a total asshole to me; same as last time; bawling me out in front of the whole office, having little or no patience with me, deliberately knocking my confidence. All because he isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle ‘losing’. <br /><br />What’s equally as bad is that I will cover up his behaviour partly out of loyalty to him and the company and partly because it won’t do my career any favours to ‘gossip’ about the Managing Director. The fact that I will do this while he vents his emotions by criticising me makes my blood boil. If I was a man and he was a woman would it be as damaging for me to tell the truth?The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-22274050652363437112009-03-15T14:39:00.000-07:002009-03-15T15:04:33.431-07:00What the fucking fuck?"'Did anyone tell you my nickname? No? "Mr. Li".'<br />Luisa isn't sure what response is expected. 'A little context might help.'<br />'My first week on the job, I'm up in the canteen, fixing myself a coffee. This engineer comes up, tells me he's got a problem of a mechanical nature and asks if I can help. His buddies are sniggering in the background. I say, "I doubt it." The guy says, "Sure you can help," he wants me to oil his bolt and relieve the excess pressure on his nuts.'<br />'This engineer was how old? Thirteen?'<br />'Forty, married, two kids. So his buddies are snorting with laughter now. What would you do? Dash off some witty put-down line, let 'em know you're riled? Slap hi, get labeled hysterical? Besides, creeps like that enjoy being slapped. Do nothing? So any man on site can say shit like that to you with impunity?'<br />'An official complaint?'<br />'Prove that women run to senior men when the going gets tough?'<br />'So what did you do?'<br />'Had him transferred to our Kansas plant. Middle of nowhere, middle of January. I pity his wife, buy she married him. Word gets round, I get dubbed "Mr. Li". A real woman wouldn't have treated the poor guy so cruelly, no, a real woman would've taken his jokes as a compliment.'"<br /><br />I read that and recognised it as something that me and my friends have come up against time and time again. There have been a couple of things recently that have reminded me that although we lovely ladies have come a long way in our professional lives; it's not a level playing field yet.<br /><br />One of my colleagues was asked by the management to infiltrate a company that they were looking into purchasing. The idea was that this guy should hang out with them, get to know them socially a bit, report back on the dynamics and who had which role and how the various pieces fit together. This company is mostly made up of guys but there is one woman who is not fantastic looking but is, by all accounts, a bit of a flirt. <br /><br />My company has now bought a stake in this new one; my colleague has been commended in his efforts and for being a 'spy in their camp' (not my words - my MD's). After the sale had gone through I had a text from my MD saying that my colleague had slept with the girl at this company as part of his 'infiltration'. <br /><br />I've never seen sex for favours as a good idea. There's something sleazy about it. Definitely something distasteful about 'trading' sex for pretty much anything in my opinion (slightly different if it's in a loving relationship of course). I just think that you should treat sharing your body with someone with some sensitivity and respect.<br /><br />The thing that really annoyed me about this is that when I questioned my MD on whether he thought this was an appropriate way for an employee to behave when 'on duty', as it were, he said 'well I think she's a bit of a flirt'. Err.. Right, yeah so it's her fault then... Right, OK.<br /><br />If that'd been me I would've not only lost the respect of all the people in that new company, and my MD but also would probably have been hauled over the coals by my mates as well with warning of the aforementioned happening. I (still) don't get why the reaction to a male colleague doing this is 'good lad!' and yet for a female it's completely different. I think the workplace is where this is most apparent.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-29096236655478530182009-02-26T16:22:00.000-08:002009-07-14T15:11:30.090-07:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_-kMkolSVnAw/SacybDNDJRI/AAAAAAAAADY/rJu4wlS-Uk8/s1600-h/princessleah.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 143px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_-kMkolSVnAw/SacybDNDJRI/AAAAAAAAADY/rJu4wlS-Uk8/s200/princessleah.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307266126177314066" /></a>The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-69051179454409829932009-02-24T10:41:00.000-08:002009-02-24T11:03:19.592-08:00Reverting to typeSometimes I think I might be losing my edge. I get a creeping feeling of self doubt; am I really as independent as I like to make out. Am I really happy on my own? Sometimes. Then some silly man will make a flippant comment that will get me right back up on my feminist show pony. Amen to that.<br /><br />I had a conversation with A on Monday night; he has just purchased a percentage of a company in Sheffield at a bargain basement price. The plan is to liquidate this company and restart it along with a new branch of my existing company. This new branch will need a manager and A said that he thought that with the right guidance; I could be successful in the role. Imagine! Sales Manager at 29. Now that's what I'm talking about! That's what I've been working for.<br /><br />Obviously this is great news and when I went to the gym I told my trainer about it. To my utter astonishment when I told him that I may be moving to Sheffield due to said opportunity he said 'well done' closely followed by 'yeah and there are loads of blokes in Sheffield, none of whom have met you so you'll stand more of a chance'. <br /><br />I don't think I need to tell you how annoyed I was. To be honest I'm surprised that he didn't follow this with 'and then you can get those silly notions about having a career out of your head and settle down like a good girl'. I'm aware that he probably didn't know what he was saying but I ask you?! And he's supposed to be the son of a feminist.<br /><br />I should be thanking him really because his comment assisted me in achieving two things;<br /><br />1. I jogged non-stop for 25 minutes in an effort to calm myself down as I was LIVID.<br />2. I am further committed to my year of celibacy.<br /><br />Upon reflection, and after asking a couple of my girlfriends whether I come across as someone who is consumed by the need to find a man (they said no - though if I read some historic posts I may find myself disappointed), I realised that I know the answer. I want this job; not a man. Not once after talking to A did it cross my mind that moving to Sheffield would be a good way to meet a man. My focus was entirely on the job, how I would perform, how I would manage people, how I can start preparing myself.<br /><br />I also realised that since my sister has become a mother she has put me right off the idea. The toll it has taken on her body, the constant exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster, the fact that her life revolves around this (beautiful) leechy thing all make me determined that that's a long way into my future.<br /><br /><br />Also, my celibacy is starting to become a precious thing. I feel that if I were to break it it should be for something/someone really worthwhile. Not just because I've given in to my base urges.<br /><br />So thank you Dr K (said trainer). I shall ride this pony into the sunset.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-6835363602000108632009-02-20T14:39:00.000-08:002009-02-20T14:55:45.073-08:00Further observationsI am orally fixated. I'm not sure that I can lay this at the door of my new found celibacy but nevertheless it's a fact. Perhaps forgoing sensation, sensuality (though little of the sex that I've had over the last year or so could claim to be either of these things) makes the senses more acute. I'm not sure but for some reason, eating, drinking, even licking my lips seems to have become a delightfully epicurean experience.<br /><br />Further to this I am much more inclined to fantasise about being a loving relationship in pursuit of mutual gratification rather than selfish, hedonistic reward.<br /><br />I've also found myself with a lot more intellectual energy and have started to read in earnest... I have also invested in a new journal so that I can write down thoughts and quotes along the way.<br /><br />I wonder how long I'll last...?The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1538227195816423886.post-62463082012455527172009-02-13T15:50:00.001-08:002009-02-13T16:21:54.881-08:00Well how about this thenMy first observation from my new status of celibacy; as a woman if you are deemed to be 'easy' this is not a reflection of your actions but rather the state of a man's mind. If he thinks that he could have you; you are easy. Regardless of whether he could actually have you or not. <br /><br />It could be that you smiled at him, or complimented him, or showed interest in his opinions. If you told him that he was good looking that would definitely mean that you wanted to fuck him and God help you if you looked him in the eye for more than five seconds. You hussey.<br /><br />It's not what you do, but what they think you might do that counts.The Princesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04208653347023578315noreply@blogger.com2