Don't make me ask twice, or three times, or four times...

I know that I'm and employee at the company that I work for but it drives me absolutely insane that I have to ask for (business related) things twice, three times, four times or more before anything gets done about them.

In my opinion, gone are the days in business where a boss can say 'do as I say, not as I do'. If my boss had to ask me more than once for something, at the very most twice, I would feel like I was failing in some way. Why can't I expect the same level of commitment from my seniors?

OK, you could say that they're busier than me, that they don't see the value in what I'm asking for etc but surely the trust should be there in me as an employee so that I don't continually have to justify my requests to simply find a disk that the tech team have lost that I need; or to provide me with some decent data to cold call from? It's so irritating that I'm asking for these things in order to improve my performance and then when they don't provide it, and there's no significant improvements and I point out that they haven't given me the tools that I asked for I'm passing the buck.

If I had the authority to direct the tech team or spend the money on data myself I'd do it but I don't so it's over to management who have more important things to do. What are these things? I'm f*cked if I know.

The Princess gets treated like a princess...

I got a text from millionaire ex yesterday afternoon saying that he had hired a limo to take him to The Belfry and would I like to join him on his excursion - champagne would be provided. Since I was doing nothing but sitting on my sofa I felt that I had no real reason to decline so decided that I should take advantage of the offer.

I got to his house at about half five, the limo was booked for nine so it gave us a bit of time to get reaquainted (and drink a couple of bottles of champagne). He'd offered to cook and to be honest it had slipped my mind how appalling he is at it so was a little surprised when he managed to make a complete mess of the fillet steak and lobster tails - no mean feat I can assure you. Since I was in a princessy mood I demanded that he order me a pizza (OK, not that princessy - I didn't demand caviar).

We reminised about old times and I did a couple of strategic imitations of him in my newly practiced American accent (thanks newbie - for the practice) to show him why we'd separated in the first place. Try 'I cayn't have mah wo'man hayngin' around town with other guys!' and 'you're an intelligent wo'man, cayn't you see that ah don't like you smokin' whay cayn't you just quit?'. He took this in very good humour and denied that he'd said any of it.

Being American and a lot more flash about his money than many of us Brits; he showed me a phone that cost him £2900. It has a concierge button so that you can arrange a limosine or helicopter from wherever you are. Later on I asked him to use it to satisfy my craving for KFC but apparently the service doesn't stretch to that. Waste of money if you ask me.

He also admitted that when we were together he was trying to get me pregnant. Obviously he didn't stand a chance since I'm pretty dilligent in the contraception area but I thought this was an interesting role reversal; the millionaire trying to knock the poor(ish) girl up.

I acted like a proper lady all night though - the champagne didn't really seem to affect me that much - until the end of the night when I fell out of the limo in my usual haphazard style. Can't be ladylike all the time can we?

The usual marriage proposals poured out as he got more confident (or maybe it was more drunk). He demanded that I quit my job and let him look after me and show me how to take my net worth to £1 million within a year. I declined. We all know that there's no such thing as a free lunch; even from the wealthy.

I had a great night though. He is good company - but a bit like a chocolate pudding; nice in small doses but have to much and you find it's a bit rich.

Redemption of the mister

I've got to write this one because I feel really bad about bad mouthing him. He called me just after I'd posted last night and was on his way over. He was lovely about my friend who's in hospital and asked me if I wanted him to take me to visit.

When he got here we went out for a couple of drinks with some of my friends (making me feel like we're almost a proper couple) and then came back here for some nookie - he didn't even rush off...

Anyway - I'm conscious that too many of my posts are about him at the moment so I've got to talk about something else. My kitten is currently being wildly naughty and making lots of noise (I keep telling him that he's a secret but he doesn't listen). I've tried giving him a toilet roll to play with (usually off limits) and some fresh chicken to eat (his diet is better than mine) but he's still insisting on running around like a lunatic. Still - I'd be more concerned if he wasn't.

I spent the day with my mother today and she said 'we only ever talk about the cats or gossip, don't you think that's terrible'. I asked her if she wanted to have a philosophical discussion and she chose to ask me what I though of as a 'sin'. I replied that I thought it was anything where you harm someone for your own personal gain. The we went back to talking about cats and gossip.

Plight of the mistress

It's Saturday night an he's supposed to be coming over. I asked him to be here between half seven and eight but got a text earlier saying that he's 'stuck at his parent's' but would be here no later than nine. He thinks that I'm going out for drinks with a friend and then he's meeting me out but my friend has had to take her toddler in to hospital (viral infection - hopefully everything should be OK).

He still hasn't called to say he's on his way - I'm sat in on my own and I'm getting the old paranoia going. I think he's going to stand me up because he thinks I'll just be able to carry on with my night with mates without too much bother.

The thing that really winds me up about this situation is that I feel like I can't call him... I also think that he's lying to me and that he's not really 'stuck at his parent's' but that he's with her. The third thing that's really making me angry is that I seem to be the one who is treating him with the most respect; giving him the most attention and yet I'm the one who gets sidelined for his f*cking parents!

This must be the age old plight of the mistress - so many women must've been here before. It doesn't surprise me that bunnies end up boiled, cars are graffitied and suits are shredded. This makes you feel worthless, and so angry that you want revenge.

It's nine o'clock - I'm going to call him.

BUMP!

OK - got to thank my girls. Even though I don't really want to.

Spoke to three of them last night about the situation with him. As they are not blinded by lust as I am they gave me a bit more of an objective view -

1. Are you sure that he's not going to buy another house with her?
2. Are you sure he's not just selling the house because of the financial climate?
3. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
4. Could you be with him knowing that he cheated on her with you?
5. Would you ever be able to trust him?

This did bring me down to earth with a bump. Obviously it's not what I want to hear but would my friends be worth having if they didn't raise these important (and sensible) questions/issues. I doubt it.

Emotional pirate ships..

What a day! Morning started out a bit rubbish with my Technical Director bawling me out in front of the office for getting 'upset' about something that I wasn't actually getting upset about. Yet another example of my tongue-in-cheek humour getting misconstrued. I told him that I wasn't getting 'upset' but he assured me I was.... Not much I could say then so I just let him have his rant. The emotions from this outburst hit me about 5 hours later - due to my repressive personality. Though they were still tempered due to these fantastic pills that I'm on. Things went back to normal quickly - neither of us being the type to let things fester.

The big news of the day though - his house is on the market. I think I'm still reeling from the shock. I really didn't believe that he'd actually leave her. Though of course he hasn't yet; but it's looking more likely by the day.

I'm trying not to feel excited but not really succeeding. I'm hoping that for my sake once he's single I wont feel as attracted to him but I'm not sure that that'll be the case. It's dangerous - this is not a position that any intelligent girl relishes surely?!

To make things even more complicated in my fuddled mind; because he doesn't actually want to sell it - he suggested me moving into his house - as his lodger. My God - I don't think I've ever heard such a ludicrous proposal. I mean think about how it would work; I'd be renting his spare room. Can you imagine how much willpower (which I might add I have very little of when it comes to him) it would take to go to bed in my own room and feign that there was no sexual dynamic to our relationship?! Right - impossible. He must know that it would be impossible though.... So, what? He wants to move her out and me in. What the...?! That's such a stupid idea that I'm tempted to do it; stands to reason with my history of choosing the most ill-advised path possible.

Don't worry though - my friends and family will talk some sense into me.

Would you mind checking your ego?

OK - I'm experiencing my usual level of irritation with men due to actually being 'involved' with one.

Two gripes;

1. I told him that my friend was pregnant. He asked whether she was on the pill to which I replied that I didn't know but that I remembered her being a bit unreliable with it. He then said, 'you're scaring me now - you're reliable with yours aren't you?' to which I replied 'do you really think that I want to have your babies? Of course I am'. So then he gets the hump because he thinks that I am insulting him! Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't asking me to confirm that I'm vigilant with my birth control and indication that he doesn't want me to have his babies?!

2. I sent him a nice text saying lots of nice things about him and he sent back 'you're obsessed woman'. WTF? Get over yourself sunshine! If that's the kind of response you get for being complimentary then I might just stop doing it.

I might have to stop getting involved with men. They just annoy me.

Spoilt Princess

Well, it was my birthday yesterday. For the first time ever I actually felt spoilt - all because of him. OK, it wasn't ideal that I had to spend the £250 that he gave me on bills but it got me out of a spot... He bought me a beautiful card and some things for my flat; a bottle of pink champagne and then took me out for dinner. All followed by great sex just to set my head in even more of a spin.

He said all the right things over dinner too - like that this was the first time he hadn't felt guilty about being out with me because it's over between him and her and that he's been viewing houses to rent so that he can move out. Part of me is jumping for joy at the prospect that he's leaving her... The other part still doesn't believe that it'll happen (this part has huge support from most of my female friends).

I don't know whether if I could have him all to myself I wouldn't want him but I've got to be honest; when he left last night because he had to be home before she got too suspicious I felt really pissed off (again).

What a fantastically painful experience this is!

Whine, wine, wine.

I'm asking myself tonight why the hell I can't express my emotions (my rage) without having had a few drinks...?

Speaking to the ex tonight I lost control. He was trying to defend the actions of my last housemate (his business partner). This man stole from me (under ex's direction).

Now I like to think of myself as a reasonable person, that is; a person who uses reason to come to conclusions; and as such seek the counsel of my friends when making judgements about these things. My friends have all supported my notion that stealing from housemates is a bad thing; you should be able to trust those that you reside with. Why then does my ex believes that he can persuade me otherwise? Said ex's arguing skills are astounding but this pushes reason a little too far.

I have put up with ex's assertions that this behaviour may be in some way excusable many times in the past. However, tonight, having had a few glasses of wine I let my real opinions fill the air like a swarm of angry bees.

See the thing is; ex takes the moral high ground when I do something 'wrong' and yet will use every conceivable argument to justify his own behaviour any time that he wants to act like a complete arsehole.

Perhaps if I found a way to express my feelings about these things without the assistance of alcohol I'd be able to do so without it coming out in a torrent of rage. I'm so concentrated on staying 'in control' when I'm sober that I negate my true feelings in order to keep calm - to keep the peace.

I think I'll file this under the 'needs more work' section.