I have discovered the gym and it's like heaven!

I really can't believe that I thought that I'd hate the gym; I love it! How cool is getting a machine to tell you how well you're doing, how many calories you've burned and how many minutes/seconds you have go to go until you've reached your goals. Then, you get to go for a swim, steam and jacuzzi to relax your muscles. Amazing! I could do without the retards who think that you'd really like to be hit on whilst red-faced, sweating and out of breath but I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth.

We've had a death in the family - Splinter had to be put down last week. He apparently had mange (which the first vet I saw after he'd had a stroke) failed to tell me... He was so itchy that he CHEWED HALF OF HIS TAIL OFF!! It was incredibly distressing for me; he didn't seem that bothered. I decided that as he'd had at least one, possibly two strokes and was a geriatric and there is no cure for mange it was time to 'do the right thing'. Very sad.

I have completely severed contact with K... I think it's probably for the best. We'd grown in such different directions that it was becoming harder and harder for me to withhold my opinions on her life choices. Things are a lot easier if you hang around with people who have a similar set of morals and a similar outlook on life.

I also met a boy last weekend at Bug Jam. He's rather lovely and lives about an hour and a half away (on my sales territory no less). He has a job and a driving license but would you believe it? He doesn't have a wife! Unfortunately he has just come out of a five year relationship and is saying that he wants to be single... I'm not really trying to be his girlfriend at the moment but we do get on so well that I think it would be a shame to lose the connection. He's coming to see me next weekend and I am a teeny bit excited. Whoop whoop!

Arrrghhh!

I don't know whether I've told you about this before but one of my friends, K, has been in a violent relationship for the last few months.

She and I knew that the man that she was seeing had been violent towards other girlfriends in the past but I think we were both hoping (because he was so charming) that he would be different with her.

He wasn't, and the first time he hit her she gave me all the spiel about how she wouldn't go back... I went round at 2 am and picked up the broken glass, cleaned the food that he'd strewn across the kitchen up and stayed with her in the hope of making her feel safe. I went to work the next day absolutely knackered and then went round to see her later as she tried to get someone to fix her broken window and talked endlessly about how she 'could never take him back'.

After listening to all this - and many more nights of the same - I was completely disheartened and felt like a complete knob when the next time she saw him he picked her up, span her round and kissed her - while all her 'friends' said 'ahh, how sweet' - and she smiled and giggled.

When she told me that they were back together I couldn't pretend it was OK. I told her that I wasn't going to support her. I wasn't going to hang out with the two of them and pretend everything was OK because it's not - it's not OK for him to hit her and it's not OK to take him back. It's destructive and selfish behavior on both of their part's.

When I said that she didn't have my support I didn't mean that if she'd have called and needed me I would've turned my back on her. I meant that I wouldn't gloss over what had happened and be his friend.

She went on holiday to Marbella and while she was away he called me and left a voice mail saying he wanted to 'explain'. I asked her whether they were together at that time (because they were always off and on) and she said that they wer and that maybe I should hear him out. As if he could give me a valid reason for hitting my friend.

He threw her the next time. She ended up on crutches and although we'd drifted and I knew she was hurt by my stance I called her to ask how she was. She said she was busy and she'd called back and then didn't.

I called her tonight; I admit it was mainly because she has my spare key (I knew she didn't want to talk as she hadn't called back as she said she would) - I left a voice mail to say so and also asked how she was. She sent me a text to say that she hadn't answered because she didn't know (or rather hadn't saved) my number and that she'd drop the key round tomorrow as she wasn't well. I texted back saying thanks and that I hoped she'd be alright and her response was 'if we was really friends you'd know how I was' (sic).

This really pissed me off. In my opinion a friend is not someone who pretends that you're right when you're wrong. I constantly seek the moral guidance of my friends. I do not expect them to condone my bad behavior. If they think what I'm doing is wrong I want to hear it. She had a swipe at me about 'sleeping with everyone else's men' - seeming to forget that when her and Mr Violent got together he was with someone else... Some of the guys I've been involved with have been at that 'split up but not completely out of it' stage - granted. Not ideal but haven't we all been there? And aren't we more likely to be as we get older? If she had a problem with it why didn't she say at the time rather than bringing it up later?

I told her that I can't pick up the pieces after her bad choices like her mother always has. And that she drags me down. It's a horrible thing to say but she does. It's draining to be around someone who is constantly sabotaging their life. Someone who tears themselves down every time you've tried to pick them up...

Oh.... Fuck it.

I've broken something...

I'm in so much pain! I can hardly breathe... I think I must have overdone it at kickboxing last night - may have been the 14 lb gloves and the sheer aggression with which I attacked the pads but I've pulled something in my back. I was alright until I did the hoovering but since then it's steadily seized up more and more... God knows how I'm going to get dressed tomorrow.

I still went for my run though, and I'm on day 2 of the Special K diet. Don't seem to have lost any weight yet which is a little disappointing (I am the least patient person I know) but I'm going to stick at it. Ran a mile (well ran a bit and walked a bit but mostly ran) even with my new injury so feel very proud. Not sure about the shade of red that my face has gone but I suppose this is what they refer to as a 'healthy glow' (hopefully no one will say 'ruddy').

I'm most impressed with Tesco at the moment - managed to get a skipping rope (which due to my pulled muscle I may not be able to use for a few years) for £3 and some trainers to run in for £5. That's what we like! Running in fashion trainers wasn't doing my knees any favours. Ended up in the queue behind The Engineer's best friend though. He didn't know who I was since I was a secret but isn't it always the way when you're trying to forget someone things keep popping up to remind you of them?

I wouldn't mind Paulo Nutini coming to kiss my back better...

Death Of The Engineer

Though I've discovered that when I describe the events surrounding my the end of my involvement (though it was a 'relationship' of sorts that would make it sound a little too intense) with The Engineer, most people seem to take great pleasure in saying 'well what did you expect' (which makes me want to gouge their eyes out with a fork - not this obviously) I'm going to let you know how I feel about the whole thing anyway.

The Engineer and I have know each other for around 20 years (I think I've told you that before). Though we haven't really been 'dating' as such we have embarked on a daily-text and fortnightly-sex style fling for the last seven months. Twice I have tried to end our involvement, both times for the same reason - that I didn't think he was particularly good at 'casual relationships' and that I felt that was screwing with my emotions - that I couldn't get a handle on where I stood. Both times he ignored what I'd said and carried on, pretty much, as if I hadn't said it. Yes, I should have been stronger and told him to bugger off but he has a way of charming me. Irritating though he is.

I had also spelled out to him on several occasions that in no possible way would I want to be, or to feel like, his mistress. Several times I have pointed out actions that he had taken that made me feel less significant than his ex-to-be (or is she?) wife. Several times he had apologised for this behaviour (though now I'm thinking that it might have been the 'anything for a quite life' husband side of him 'apologising').

The other night we were Facebook chatting and he asked me to go to the cinema... OK so not a great-big-deal but prior to this he had shown reluctance to be seen out with me (or that's the impression I got) so I was thinking that perhaps this was a sign that he was moving on a step further from his married life. So, I agreed to go and we had a bit of a laugh about it being our first date etc etc. Then the conversation moved on to how long it'd been since we'd seen each other and then 'how have you been?'...

Simple enough question, but this was his reply;

'Not great, I miss my son, can't sell my house and I've been spending time with my wife again. I'm really confused... Sorry, but you did ask...'

I don't know in what world he thought that I'd be OK with this piece of information but I'm not. The reasons (I have managed to pin them down into something that sounds rational over the last few days) are as follows;

1. He has ignored what I previously said to the point that I feel he sees my emotions as insignificant.
2. I respected him a damn sight more than I have any other man for many years because I believed him to have strong morals that matched my own and now I feel (once again) completely let down.
3. He's made me look and idiot for believing that he wouldn't go back to her - for thinking 'how could he go back when he said he didn't love her or enjoy her company anymore?'
   

Why he thought that it was OK to casually drop this information into the conversation I'll never know. Did he think that I'd just carry on sleeping with him until he turned to me and said - 'right I'm off home now - it's been fun!'

In these situations I find it intensely irritating when a bloke apologises. I just find it patronising and it really doesn't help repair any damage.

I've 'removed' (I love that word - its so cold) him from my Facebook friends; I don't want to know what he's up to day by day on his status and I definitely couldn't stomach him putting his relationship status back to 'married' and I've also deleted his number. I thought about messaging him to explain what he did wrong but like my friend at work said 'if he doesn't know it's not worth explaining it to him'.

It's a bastard though because I do miss the texts and stuff - just the attention really and that makes it feel like the end of a proper relationship. One good thing about it though - at least I'm not completely hardened. I like to keep a little bit of the soft stuff about me - even if I am a warrior princess.

I've embarked on a new diet/exercise plan which is making me feel buzzy. I kicked the crap out of some pads at kickboxing tonight and then spent the rest of the evening beautifying myself.

I'm gonna steer clear of those yucky boys for a bit.