I don't know whether I've told you about this before but one of my friends, K, has been in a violent relationship for the last few months.
She and I knew that the man that she was seeing had been violent towards other girlfriends in the past but I think we were both hoping (because he was so charming) that he would be different with her.
He wasn't, and the first time he hit her she gave me all the spiel about how she wouldn't go back... I went round at 2 am and picked up the broken glass, cleaned the food that he'd strewn across the kitchen up and stayed with her in the hope of making her feel safe. I went to work the next day absolutely knackered and then went round to see her later as she tried to get someone to fix her broken window and talked endlessly about how she 'could never take him back'.
After listening to all this - and many more nights of the same - I was completely disheartened and felt like a complete knob when the next time she saw him he picked her up, span her round and kissed her - while all her 'friends' said 'ahh, how sweet' - and she smiled and giggled.
When she told me that they were back together I couldn't pretend it was OK. I told her that I wasn't going to support her. I wasn't going to hang out with the two of them and pretend everything was OK because it's not - it's not OK for him to hit her and it's not OK to take him back. It's destructive and selfish behavior on both of their part's.
When I said that she didn't have my support I didn't mean that if she'd have called and needed me I would've turned my back on her. I meant that I wouldn't gloss over what had happened and be his friend.
She went on holiday to Marbella and while she was away he called me and left a voice mail saying he wanted to 'explain'. I asked her whether they were together at that time (because they were always off and on) and she said that they wer and that maybe I should hear him out. As if he could give me a valid reason for hitting my friend.
He threw her the next time. She ended up on crutches and although we'd drifted and I knew she was hurt by my stance I called her to ask how she was. She said she was busy and she'd called back and then didn't.
I called her tonight; I admit it was mainly because she has my spare key (I knew she didn't want to talk as she hadn't called back as she said she would) - I left a voice mail to say so and also asked how she was. She sent me a text to say that she hadn't answered because she didn't know (or rather hadn't saved) my number and that she'd drop the key round tomorrow as she wasn't well. I texted back saying thanks and that I hoped she'd be alright and her response was 'if we was really friends you'd know how I was' (sic).
This really pissed me off. In my opinion a friend is not someone who pretends that you're right when you're wrong. I constantly seek the moral guidance of my friends. I do not expect them to condone my bad behavior. If they think what I'm doing is wrong I want to hear it. She had a swipe at me about 'sleeping with everyone else's men' - seeming to forget that when her and Mr Violent got together he was with someone else... Some of the guys I've been involved with have been at that 'split up but not completely out of it' stage - granted. Not ideal but haven't we all been there? And aren't we more likely to be as we get older? If she had a problem with it why didn't she say at the time rather than bringing it up later?
I told her that I can't pick up the pieces after her bad choices like her mother always has. And that she drags me down. It's a horrible thing to say but she does. It's draining to be around someone who is constantly sabotaging their life. Someone who tears themselves down every time you've tried to pick them up...
Oh.... Fuck it.