Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Oh Baby Baby

Hope everyone is well and sorry it's been so long; I've been a wee bit busy with work of late, amongst other things.

Things have moved on a bit in this little old life of mine. I now live with my boyfriend. Did I tell you that? Well, in theory I live with him; he got posted to Cyprus with the RAF in August so he's only home once a month. It's pretty tough. As soon as I'm used to being alone he's back and as soon as I'm used to him being here he's gone again.

My biggest dilemma at the moment though is the future and mainly the pressure to procreate. My boyfriend really wants to have children but at the moment I'm finding it hard to get my head around. Part of the problem is that he's quite naive and I'm not sure how he'll actually cope with having a child. The other part is that I am the higher earner so not only do I have to take into account giving up my sleep, my sanity, my figure, and my social life but I also have to sacrifice my income and lifestyle as well. I work in London and live in Northampton and couldn't do my job if I had a child, unless I let my partner take over what would traditionally be the mother's role. My sister in law has done this though and is constantly criticised for if (all be it behind her back).

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice my lifestyle but there is also a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice the opportunity to be the kind of mother that my mother was to me and my siblings. And as much as it shames me to say it I want my man to recognise this and step up to the mark rather than saying 'should I concentrate on getting a lower paid job that's closer to home?' (so that I can continue in the job I have).

I really hope that when my boyfriend is back from Cyprus I will feel more supported and more ready, but at the moment I have never felt less ready to have a child.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Bestie Bust Up

I've had a bit of a falling out with my best friend. It's been going on for a few weeks now and you know what it's like - it gets under your skin. It was over something that me and my cousin said to her at a recent barbecue, it was more my cousin really but she (my friend) holds me responsible. Figure that out. She also thinks that I should have stuck up for her.

The thing is, what was said wasn't really that bad. If my cousin had said it to me, or I'd said it to her then we would've just brushed it off. If it had annoyed us we would have just told the other to wind her neck in and that would have been it. The problem is, it was true. And my friend doesn't want to hear the truth. But she also doesn't want to stand up for herself either - she wants me to do it for her.

As a result of this bust up we had a full blown row. We haven't rowed like that for about 10 years I think - I told her even more truths. About how it's pissed me off for the last 3 years that she'll be spending the evening with me and her boyfriend will text her to 'summons' her and she'll bugger off half way through whatever it was that we were doing. She'd argue that we all want to spend time with the ones that we love, and we do, it's true. But I try not to be rude about it. I also expressed that I was worried about her relationship as I don't think her boyfriend is ever going to give her what she wants (3 years and she can't even ask if she's seeing him that night let alone broach the subject of where their relationship is going). We ended the call by agreeing to put it all behind us and move on - said that we would see each other at the weekend. But we didn't. And we didn't.

She's told her sister that from now on she's going to keep me at 'arms length'. After 17 years, one problem and I get relegated. I think that the real problem is that she wants to hide from the truth so much that she will do anything to not have to face it. And she knows that I can't lie. I just don't know how to have a friend that I have to pussy foot around. Or if not that, for there to be this huge part of her life - her relationship - that we can't talk about in case I upset her by telling her that she's not being treated right. I don't know how to have a superficial relationship with a friend of 17 years. I don't know how not to say 'I'm worried about you', 'he's not going to give you what you want'. And should I?

I know it's hard when people tell you stuff you don't want to hear. I've been there so many times. But if someone who really cares about you tells you that they're concerned surely you should listen. Shouldn't you?

I know she knows that her relationship is not right because she told me so herself but she just wants to hide from the truth for as long as possible. And I'm not sure I know how to let her.

Friday, 25 February 2011


Hey folks. Thought I'd better bring you guys up to speed just in case you were worried about me worrying or over thinking or getting blind drunk on a series of first dates... It appears that indeed, completely by accident and just the way that you told me it would happen the right man dropped neatly into my life.

I literally just finished with the latest 'not quite right' man. I was seeing him for about a month, he was really keen - too keen in fact. I'd get the same text at the same time every morning ("morning you") and if I didn't reply I'd get further texts increasing in degrees of desperation until I did reply. Too much. Way too much. I tried to finish with him but he was in Sales and he wouldn't take no for an answer so, gutless as I am, I did what a million clients have done to me in the past - I told him I'd think about it and then just hoped if I left it long enough he'd go away.

In the meantime someone who I used to go to school with contacted me; I'd bumped into him for the first time in 15 years the previous year but he'd been away since and had just returned to my home town. I arranged to go out for a drink with him thinking that it would be 'catch up drinks' - not a date and that there was no way having just gotten rid of a clingy bloke that I wanted to get involved with another one...

But guess what? Like you all said, once I wasn't worked up about creating a good impression I managed to do it by accident. We laughed about my blog post and about my friends telling me not to give people 'too much Clare' on the first date. We both got rolling drunk (his fault - he ordered Champagne because he was trying to impress me) and had so much to talk about. It was the first time in ages that I ended up crying with laughter.

I'm still seeing him, and we're coming up to the three month mark (the end of the probation period) and it's going really well. I had a period where I had to stop myself from trying to find things wrong with him (like him wearing slippers and crying at films) but now I'm getting used to this whole relationship lark. He is away all week for work and only back at the weekends so I think that helps to stop me from feeling claustrophobic and also means that I'm always pleased to see him.

In case you're wondering, I did eventually finish with the other bloke properly - I say properly - it was by text but at least I did it.