But I might be cynical,

I'm really trying with the internet dating thing but it's making me feel three things;

1) Shallow
2) Desperate
3) Irritated

Not good traits.

The first is because when a guy messages me and it's not a fantastically interesting or funny message then I look at his profile picture and if he's not attractive I instantly dismiss any chance of any kind of romance developing.

The second because I keep thinking that even when I trawl the massive internet I can't find anyone suitable to go for a drink with, let alone start a family with. Is there anyone out there? It might never happen for me... I might have to artificially inseminate myself!!

The third? New best friends. I hate the people who assume that if you've chatted to them once you want to speak to them every time you go online. Also saying things like 'I escaped a sales career; thank god' is a bit annoying as is 'you should change your sales territory so you can visit me'. Why can't I just ignore these people? The same reason I can't ignore someone who's talking to me in a bar; I'm too damn polite.

Oh and by the way boys; quoting The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in your profile is not cool.

I am not mad, or hypersensitive or neurotic!

I have had the great pleasure of spending time with two of my closest friends this afternoon and after plucking up the courage to talk to them about the issues that I have been experiencing at work (i.e. the underhand bitchy comments that many of my colleagues - even the ones who profess to be my friends - make) I can confirm that far from rolling their eyes and telling me that I'm being hypersensitive they comforted me and sympathised - which was wonderful.

It's been so long since I've had people who truly understand me around and it was so refreshing to be able to express my emotions without my confidant rolling their eyes or groaning that I'm always 'whining'. Though I realise that my colleagues are probably uncomfortable around me because I rock their little world by expecting more than they do, or by striving a little harder; being a bit more demanding; mixing things up a bit; that doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm a total outsider when I have to spend eight hours a day with them.

They must think that I'm just whining and doing nothing about my situation; truth is I have a job interview on Friday and I'm praying I get it as it sounds a lot like the people will be a bit more accommodating of someone with a little ambition.

Wish me luck chaps!

Fucking bollocks.

Ohhhhh.... I tried it again; I tried internet dating.

So first I went on DatingDirect.com and for some reason as I was filling out my details I had a feeling of deja vu... Particularly when it said 'email address already in use'. Against my better judgment I ignored my misgivings and carried on with the process. Now I'm not being tight; I'm just a bit skint at the moment, but I didn't actually want to pay for my next date really. I also didn't want to have to pay to got through the pain and disappointment of meeting a load of retards on t'internet again.

So; I spent the best part of 45 minutes sorting out my profile, deciding whether I wanted a black, religious man with green eyes and no kids or a white, bilingual man who lived with his parents... Fantastic; boring bit out of the way... lets go shopping! So, after the first five pages I actually found someone I thought I wanted to know more about so I click to email and... They wanted £60 off me for six month's subscription. Robbing bastards. There's no way that I could take six months of internet dating. I'd go out of my mind. Normal dating is bad enough; I already despair at the lack of suitable men in the world; this serves only to compound that despair by broadening my horizon (do you get the impression that I may be entering into this with the wrong attitude?) I may consider paying for one month when I get paid but that has the escalated cost of £22.40...

After having the carrot dangled in front of my donkey face and then whisked away by my inability to weather the credit crunch I tried going on a free dating site. I must admit that the site appeared a little tacky but I thought; what the hell - it's only costing me time! I filled out the necessary details again, posted my photo and left my account to be approved. Returning from work the following day I opened Outlook to find 21 new messages from freedating.com.... A couple to let me know that my profile/photo had been approved - the rest notifications of messages that I had received. Good start!

So I go to the site, click on the first message; 'hi, how are you?' Boring. Next. 'Hi, how you doing?' Oh no. 'Hi, how r u?' Can't even be bothered to write properly.... Argh! And on it went - all of them the same lazy, uninspired question. The thought of staying on there and sifting through this every day just made me feel so irritated that I simply deleted my account. Perhaps the love of my life had sent me one of those messages but I just can't envision me saying to my grandchildren 'your grandfather just bowled me over when he sent me a message on the internet saying 'hi, how r u?' Nope.

I passed an advert whilst driving to an appointment today for sugardaddy.com. My goodness! What would that be like I wonder? Would the conversation be more interesting? How would it work? Would you get them to pay your subscription? Or would that be too much too early? Do you think Rod Stewart is on it? I daren't check it out... I can just imagine all these aspiring Michael Douglas's getting all excited about the prospect of meeting some Sugar Babies. Eeew.

I'm sober...

Yuck.

The great relationship issue (again)

I have a question; is it a good or bad thing that I can turn my emotions on and off on a whim?

I met a bloke that I thought I really liked but as it became apparent that he wasn't ready for a relationship (yeah that old chestnut again - I do pick 'em) I decided that the two of us should just be friends and to my amazement I am actually cool with it. We're going away for the weekend in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it more now that it has no romantic undertone.

Maybe it's just because I've been down this path too many times before but part of me is wondering whether I will ever feel that all-consuming emotional attachment to someone again. Have I grown too old and too jaded to feel that 'if I can't have this person I will die' feeling ever again? Or did I just fool myself into thinking that I liked this person more than I really did? Did I do that thing where I was hoping so much that I had found someone to have a relationship with that I overlooked all of the things that were 'wrong' with them until the point where it was obvious that it wouldn't work - and therefore I had nothing to lose by admitting that these faults were there?

I can't now deny that I want to have a meaningful relationship. It's obvious that after two years of being single that I can survive on my own. I have just proved to myself that if things don't work out; well - I'm OK with it (albeit that this time the emotional investment was short term and minimal). I have also got to a point where I can easily say 'no' to people who ask me out on a date if it is glaringly obvious that they're not right for me (I can now ignore that imbecilic voice that says 'you never know' - I do know - he's not for me). Still - I do want to meet someone. It's been ages since I had any level of intimacy with a person (not physically of course; emotionally).

I'm not afraid to admit now that I want that intimacy where I can ask my boyfriend to have my make up in his pocket, where we're insured on each other's cars and maybe we even share a house.... I know people always say that you find someone when you stop looking but I really don't think that's the case. I think you're less likely to find someone if you are sat in a bar looking like you're looking, for sure. I'd like to find someone with a similar level of drive and passion as myself... That - at least for now - seems to be a problem.

My darling colleagues...

...the day I aspire to mediocrity I will come to you for some expert tuition; until then please keep your advice to yourselves.