I have a question; is it a good or bad thing that I can turn my emotions on and off on a whim?
I met a bloke that I thought I really liked but as it became apparent that he wasn't ready for a relationship (yeah that old chestnut again - I do pick 'em) I decided that the two of us should just be friends and to my amazement I am actually cool with it. We're going away for the weekend in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it more now that it has no romantic undertone.
Maybe it's just because I've been down this path too many times before but part of me is wondering whether I will ever feel that all-consuming emotional attachment to someone again. Have I grown too old and too jaded to feel that 'if I can't have this person I will die' feeling ever again? Or did I just fool myself into thinking that I liked this person more than I really did? Did I do that thing where I was hoping so much that I had found someone to have a relationship with that I overlooked all of the things that were 'wrong' with them until the point where it was obvious that it wouldn't work - and therefore I had nothing to lose by admitting that these faults were there?
I can't now deny that I want to have a meaningful relationship. It's obvious that after two years of being single that I can survive on my own. I have just proved to myself that if things don't work out; well - I'm OK with it (albeit that this time the emotional investment was short term and minimal). I have also got to a point where I can easily say 'no' to people who ask me out on a date if it is glaringly obvious that they're not right for me (I can now ignore that imbecilic voice that says 'you never know' - I do know - he's not for me). Still - I do want to meet someone. It's been ages since I had any level of intimacy with a person (not physically of course; emotionally).
I'm not afraid to admit now that I want that intimacy where I can ask my boyfriend to have my make up in his pocket, where we're insured on each other's cars and maybe we even share a house.... I know people always say that you find someone when you stop looking but I really don't think that's the case. I think you're less likely to find someone if you are sat in a bar looking like you're looking, for sure. I'd like to find someone with a similar level of drive and passion as myself... That - at least for now - seems to be a problem.