The Engineer and I have know each other for around 20 years (I think I've told you that before). Though we haven't really been 'dating' as such we have embarked on a daily-text and fortnightly-sex style fling for the last seven months. Twice I have tried to end our involvement, both times for the same reason - that I didn't think he was particularly good at 'casual relationships' and that I felt that was screwing with my emotions - that I couldn't get a handle on where I stood. Both times he ignored what I'd said and carried on, pretty much, as if I hadn't said it. Yes, I should have been stronger and told him to bugger off but he has a way of charming me. Irritating though he is.
I had also spelled out to him on several occasions that in no possible way would I want to be, or to feel like, his mistress. Several times I have pointed out actions that he had taken that made me feel less significant than his ex-to-be (or is she?) wife. Several times he had apologised for this behaviour (though now I'm thinking that it might have been the 'anything for a quite life' husband side of him 'apologising').
The other night we were Facebook chatting and he asked me to go to the cinema... OK so not a great-big-deal but prior to this he had shown reluctance to be seen out with me (or that's the impression I got) so I was thinking that perhaps this was a sign that he was moving on a step further from his married life. So, I agreed to go and we had a bit of a laugh about it being our first date etc etc. Then the conversation moved on to how long it'd been since we'd seen each other and then 'how have you been?'...
Simple enough question, but this was his reply;
'Not great, I miss my son, can't sell my house and I've been spending time with my wife again. I'm really confused... Sorry, but you did ask...'
I don't know in what world he thought that I'd be OK with this piece of information but I'm not. The reasons (I have managed to pin them down into something that sounds rational over the last few days) are as follows;
- He has ignored what I previously said to the point that I feel he sees my emotions as insignificant.
- I respected him a damn sight more than I have any other man for many years because I believed him to have strong morals that matched my own and now I feel (once again) completely let down.
- He's made me look and idiot for believing that he wouldn't go back to her - for thinking 'how could he go back when he said he didn't love her or enjoy her company anymore?'
In these situations I find it intensely irritating when a bloke apologises. I just find it patronising and it really doesn't help repair any damage.
I've 'removed' (I love that word - its so cold) him from my Facebook friends; I don't want to know what he's up to day by day on his status and I definitely couldn't stomach him putting his relationship status back to 'married' and I've also deleted his number. I thought about messaging him to explain what he did wrong but like my friend at work said 'if he doesn't know it's not worth explaining it to him'.
It's a bastard though because I do miss the texts and stuff - just the attention really and that makes it feel like the end of a proper relationship. One good thing about it though - at least I'm not completely hardened. I like to keep a little bit of the soft stuff about me - even if I am a warrior princess.
I've embarked on a new diet/exercise plan which is making me feel buzzy. I kicked the crap out of some pads at kickboxing tonight and then spent the rest of the evening beautifying myself.
I'm gonna steer clear of those yucky boys for a bit.