My life is stagnant. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. Good job, decent income, nice flat, no fuckwit to mess with my mind or interfere with my life... Things are good. Very good. I'm not drinking too much, quit smoking, go to the gym, I'm fit, healthy, slim. I get to work on time. Perform well (when service providers and networks don't fuck about with my sales), do what is expected of me and more... and so on and so on.
I'm just so frustrated. (Please God don't read this post and send some shit to come and keep me entertained, like cancer for a loved one or a fire to destroy my earthly possessions - I KNOW how lucky I am and am reminded that I must do more for charity... I did sponsor that bloke this week though...).
I need more; more than this job. I need to be stretched - I need to earn more so that I can have more freedom - I need to start fulfilling my potential. I need to take the next step. I have various things in the pipeline such as a wine business and a potential new sales job that doesn't have people who are in contracts that are set in stone. I'm pushing. Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough. Or not pushing the right spot.
I'm so frustrated that at times I wish I was one of those 'ordinary' people. That I could just plod through life in some boring job, satisfied with my lot. Maybe I could be a single mum on benefits. Maybe a housewife. But then I look at these people and realise that a) they're not happy and b) if I was one of them I'd hate myself. So I can't.
I can't help feeling frustrated. I'm frustrated with my sister for being the epitome of 'The Female Eunuch'. I'm frustrated with her not being able to identify why she's feeling so miserable - to see that it's her total lack of an identity that is making her feel so lost. I'm frustrated with my mother for not helping her to cope with her new baby. I'm frustrated that my mother expects people to be unhappy and begrudges them assistance when they struggle. I'm frustrated that she thinks that because I don't have a baby I have nothing in my life worth taking an interest in and that she thinks that I'M the one who's mixed up my priorities. I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a man (under the age of 50) that has the balls or conviction in his attraction to me to go out of his way to impress me. I'm also frustrated that I haven't met a man in the last 24 months that has anything to offer me other than shit, sanctimonious advice about how I'm getting it all wrong. Fuck you! I'd rather retire on a yacht than in a fucking teepee!
I need to move things on... Got to push on - got to make something, build something... Show the world what I can do. Got to buy my future freedom. This space is too small! I want more.