Sometimes I think I might be losing my edge. I get a creeping feeling of self doubt; am I really as independent as I like to make out. Am I really happy on my own? Sometimes. Then some silly man will make a flippant comment that will get me right back up on my feminist show pony. Amen to that.
I had a conversation with A on Monday night; he has just purchased a percentage of a company in Sheffield at a bargain basement price. The plan is to liquidate this company and restart it along with a new branch of my existing company. This new branch will need a manager and A said that he thought that with the right guidance; I could be successful in the role. Imagine! Sales Manager at 29. Now that's what I'm talking about! That's what I've been working for.
Obviously this is great news and when I went to the gym I told my trainer about it. To my utter astonishment when I told him that I may be moving to Sheffield due to said opportunity he said 'well done' closely followed by 'yeah and there are loads of blokes in Sheffield, none of whom have met you so you'll stand more of a chance'.
I don't think I need to tell you how annoyed I was. To be honest I'm surprised that he didn't follow this with 'and then you can get those silly notions about having a career out of your head and settle down like a good girl'. I'm aware that he probably didn't know what he was saying but I ask you?! And he's supposed to be the son of a feminist.
I should be thanking him really because his comment assisted me in achieving two things;
1. I jogged non-stop for 25 minutes in an effort to calm myself down as I was LIVID.
2. I am further committed to my year of celibacy.
Upon reflection, and after asking a couple of my girlfriends whether I come across as someone who is consumed by the need to find a man (they said no - though if I read some historic posts I may find myself disappointed), I realised that I know the answer. I want this job; not a man. Not once after talking to A did it cross my mind that moving to Sheffield would be a good way to meet a man. My focus was entirely on the job, how I would perform, how I would manage people, how I can start preparing myself.
I also realised that since my sister has become a mother she has put me right off the idea. The toll it has taken on her body, the constant exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster, the fact that her life revolves around this (beautiful) leechy thing all make me determined that that's a long way into my future.
Also, my celibacy is starting to become a precious thing. I feel that if I were to break it it should be for something/someone really worthwhile. Not just because I've given in to my base urges.
So thank you Dr K (said trainer). I shall ride this pony into the sunset.