I don't know why this feeling seems to have hit me today but it has and it's rubbish.
I had a bit of a cry on the phone to my dad earlier. I have a job interview tomorrow and although I really hate my job/my colleagues most of the time I'm starting to dread the idea of starting (yet another) new job and building (yet another) new pipeline.
I think the think that is really compounding it is the fact that I'll be doing it on my own again. Though the majority of the time I love my independence I've got to say; recently I have been struggling to fight off this feeling of loneliness.
I think this is largely to do with a lot of my friends having moved away. My dad has been in France for the most part of six months, and my sister has moved back to the UK so my relationship with my mother has deteriorated somewhat (since they get on a lot better and my mother doesn't need to struggle with me if she can get her female companionship fix from my sister).
I think having spent that weekend away in France recently really compounded just how used to doing everything myself I am. I couldn't help but be taken aback when A did the smallest things for me (like running my bath or taking out the rubbish) because I simply don't expect any help anymore. And when I came to that realisation - it made me feel really sad. And when I woke up back in the UK, alone again, and A's arm wasn't around me I felt so desperately lonely that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
I also feel like it's a little bit tragic that I've met someone who seems so perfect but yet again, it's someone who is 'emotionally unavailable' and is not ready for a relationship.
I suppose I've just got to do what I've always done and get on with it. Get my head down and deal with the fact that there won't be anyone around to run me a bath when I get home from work, or to make me a cup of tea in the morning. But just for tonight I'm going to let myself feel a little bit sad about it.