Tuesday, 16 December 2008

And here we are...

My parents are divorcing. It's been a long time coming. They should've done it sooner. The catalyst is my father's new girlfriend; my parents haven't been physical with each other for over 7 years and when my dad moved to France it gave him the freedom to meet someone. That someone seems to be someone who is recognising and supporting him. Who is allowing him to flourish as the man he has always wanted to be. He hasn't been completely honest along the way but I understand his reasons for being dishonest; because I'm dishonest in the same way.

Thing is, it's making me feel insecure about my place in the family. I've always been closer to my father than to my mother because I've always suffered her negativity. I haven't led my life in a way that she can relate to and I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. I understand how hard it must have been for my dad every time he came home with a new idea and every time she critisised him because that's how I felt. I can go some way to understanding how she feels but my roots will always be in trying to see the positive (though I know this blog probably won't support that, ha ha).

When I feel that the struggle is getting too much for me I call my dad and he soothes me... He speaks to me in lulled tones telling me that I've come so far and that if I keep going, keep learning one day the tide will turn. And I believe him.

Now, my mother compares me to my father. She thinks I've been hiding things; and she's probably right... I've been hiding things about my future plans with my father because I don't want to hurt her and upset her but I also stopped telling her things because I just didn't need the negative input, things are hard enough you know? I'm certain that my dad has been doing this for years and now I'm doing it too... She's drawing parallels between us and I suppose she's right to do so.

My dad and I are buying a house together because he needs a base in the UK and I need to get on the property ladder. I told my mother this and she insinuated that I want to take something (money) from her and from my brother and sister. I reassured my siblings that whatever interest my father had in the property would eventually go to them. I said to my mother that I didn't want this to have a negative impact on our relationship and the only words she could muster were 'no one knows what the future holds'.

1 comment:

Girl Interrupted said...

Keep being positive, hopefully it all smoothes out for you.-V