The Engineer

OK, so I've got a new one. 'The Engineer'. The Carpenter went away for a bit; long enough for me to realise that he didn't make me feel special. I want to feel special. I've been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last couple of weeks and if I'm putting this much effort in to me then someone else should too (no smutty comments please).

So! The Engineer. First boy to ever buy me a Valentine (when I was about 9 he put a fluffy heart in my drawer at primary school), snogged him at the school leaving party when I was 15 and resisted his clumsy efforts to drag me upstairs for an more intensly uncomfortable fumble.

We hadn't seen each other since we left school, bumped into one another again on Facebook and have kept in touch from there. I met him out for a drink a few weeks ago (both with friends in tow) and discovered that we had a similar level of enthusiasm for doing shots. I like the way he dances too... a kind of clown step - really cute.

He really started to endear himself to me when I told him that my cat was dying. He text me about four times a day to make sure that I was doing OK and keeping my chin up. Let's face it; anyone who knows me knows that I don't lack offers for sex; it's emotional support that I'm missing. So yeah, he was sweet and it got my attention. I invited him round to keep me company the Saturday that I had Baby Maccy put down and he was really nice to be with. I drank a bit too much and felt a bit self conscious and a bit worried that I might do something stupid (which I probably did, probably by saying something about being crap at relationships and wanting a baby no doubt) so yeah - pretty obvious that I'd started to fancy him.

After that we were texting about a million times a day... Things got a bit suggestive at times. He came over on Sunday evening and when I kissed him I could remember his smell. I hadn't forgotten the sensation of what it's like to kiss him and it was all good. He's sweet and kind and his morals are in line with my own and stuff. He loves his family and has a job and a car (ha ha... new one for me this).

The catch? Well - he's married, just about to separate from his wife and has a 16 month old son.

God knows how I do it. I seem to have an ability to attract emotionally unavailable men. Having examined this idea I came to the conclusion that I don't attract them but simply don't tell the buggers to bugger off. So I think; 'I'm not making that mistake again' and asked him on Sunday what he wanted from me. He said that he'd thought about it and that he'd realised that he couldn't give me what I 'needed' and that he'd thought about me saying that I want a kid and that there was no way that he could even think about having any more children for a few years. I explained to him that for me, it's not really about having children straight away but more about being in an emotionally supportive, intimate relationship where in the future, children are a possibility. I also explained that this is not something I 'need' but something that I want. This is something that my ex taught me; in relationships you should always 'want more than you need'. Think about it, apply it to your experiences and tell me if you think I'm wrong.

So after that he admitted that he couldn't give me what I want. I asked him to stop 'persuing' me (texting and stuff) and asked him to be strong with this as it wasn't fair for him to romance me when he couldn't give me what I want, and I told him that he could try to get back in touch when he'd left his wife and sorted himself out and maybe I'd still be single. He said I should've gone upstairs with him when we were 15 - ha ha.

So has he stopped texting? Has he bollocks! Men, eh?