Today I secured an £8k p/a pay rise on my basic pay - this means that much of my hard work and effort over the last six months; my struggle in the face of adversity; my consistent effort, commitment to quality and down right hard work have paid off. I am smiling - oh yes!
However, as is my nature, I'd like to have a little moan about myself. I'm an idiot it seems. Despite the fact that I have a perfectly good relationship with The Engineer (a relationship which I believe, is - in actual fact - perfect for me,due to the lack of consideration I have to pay him when making life decisions, the small amount of time that he's around and further to that the fact that I only have to put up with him strolling in and changing the TV channel about once a week) I have recently become concerned that he is not sure of our boundaries. We had a discussion a few months ago and agreed that he has little to offer me in the way of commitment and thenceforth my understanding was that we were embarking on a purely physical relationship. Since then, however, he has seen fit to ask me to offer emotional support to him. I don't want to sound heartless for not wanting to get involved in his emotional stuff but I can't - because I'm human - see the relationship as purely physical when he is talking to me about his emotions.
I'm not entirely sure how to respond. I think that this situation has come about because he is not used to having purely physical relationships and not because he wants to be emotionally involved with me but equally I'd prefer it to be clear whether this is one thing or another.
In my infinite (alcohol induced) wisdom (and because I thought that he was jibbing my texts) I sent him a message saying - and I quote - 'Hey I love it when you pretend I don't exist or that you've lost or misplaced your phone or ignore me or whatever... I still don't know what you want from me but if it's just sex you've got to stop talking about your family stuff! xx'...
Poor bastard responded by saying that he'd been to the football (the actual ground) and that he'd text when he got home (though I don't think he'd read my text at this point) and then I felt a total tit. For thinking he was ignorig me mainly but also for being a total woman... For not being able to talk to him about stuff a bit too though... For not wanting to knock it on the head if need be even though I know that I'll be totally OK on my own ... A little bit of 'want more than you need' maybe?
Do I need him? Nah... But he makes me laugh and he's caring and funny... Is that a little bit of want?
2 comments:
There's a Voltaire song with the lyrics at the start 'What you want is rarely - if ever - what you need'
I guess that's just part of being top of the food chain with extra brain bits that let us conflict with our emotional selves. I think some smartarse said it's called being human. Duno, i heard the smararse got hit by a irate truck driver in lycra leggings called Dave.
However, a very well done with work and your efforts! It made my day to read that all your hard work is paying off ^_^
Thanks dude! When I get my first modified pay packet you can come round for special tea and special cake. Good luck with your move.
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