A day and a half

I hate to get all miserable on you but I've a few things that I feel I need to write down.

Today is the anniversary of my 'step-daughter's' death. (It's in inverted commas as I didn't actually marry the father - but we were engaged - and I was second mum for a while).

I think I've had a harder time of it this year than any other year. It might be because my closest friends - the ones who knew me when I was around her - have all moved away. I don't know. I'm having a lot of memories though. This is not the only time I remember her; I think of her at least once a day, but today has been a real struggle.

She was only four years old when she died. I was trying to keep myself busy today so I arranged to go to K's house for dinner and I thought that spending some time with her one-year-old would help to distract me. It did, he's so beautiful - so sweet and excitable and cheeky. He has a shoe fetish already!

Now that I'm home though my brain has started ticking again. I can remember the way that she smelt; the way that she used to scream the house down when I turned the shower off; her accidental smile when she was supposed to be having a tantrum and the way that she felt when I used to stroke her when I went in to check on her at night. I can remember her waking me up shouting my name and not wanting her daddy, but me (and I feel guilt for the memory).

I can remember her dad telling me that he watched them give her CPR for an hour while her mum was being sick from the trauma. I can remember him telling me that he had to tell them to stop. I can remember him saying 'I go into her bedroom and I see her pillow and I want to pick it up and smell her on it. But then I can't because I'm so scared that it won't smell of her anymore - that her smell will be gone'.

All of this makes me feel so sad.

One day soon I'll post some of my happy thoughts about her. Today I just feel sad.