It's been a long time since my last post.. Probably because I've been terrified that it wouldn't receive the same reaction. However I have decided - no that's a lie - I am compelled to write.
In recent months I have found that my work ethic and dedication to my job have begun to pay off and I now find myself with a successful career in a company where people appreciate ambition and focus and drive. Fantastic. Most of the time anyway, I'll leave the bad bits out of this particular post.
However, my love-life still appears to be a disaster area. I have decided that I need to start learning what it is that I'm actually supposed to do as although I seem to be very capable in other areas of my life, this is the one that I really let myself down in.
I am a feminist and far too independent. I have been single (and when I say single I mean that I have no one that I can rely on for help when I need it - the latest squeeze does not qualify as 'the other half') for most of my adult life and I take exception to anyone who waltzes into my life and starts telling me where I'm going wrong. I've worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to let anyone tell me that I should go back to the drawing board.
Men who I meet at work think I'm fantastic. Customers, colleagues etc. Now I don't mean to sound arrogant (I prefer confident - I couldn't do my job if I wasn't) but I have customers ringing me up and offering me jobs, telling me how fantastically efficient I am, telling me that they want to marry me.. I believe this leads me to having false expectations of how I will be received by the men in my personal life which leads me on to..
I am useless at dates. Put me in a business meeting and I'm great. I am told that I build great rapport with my clients, that they trust me, that I have an open style of questioning, that I ask for their business without sounding pushy. BUT - on a first date I turn into a nightmare. I get nervous so I drink too much. I have a dislike of small talk so I am way too open and honest with people and when they ask me (I say 'they' but I'm not dating in groups by the way) about myself I tell them everything... My hopes, my desires, my aspirations. The problem with this is that when you tell people about your dreams they often feel like you want them to be a part of it, even if you don't.
The truth of the matter is that I don't know where I am with relationships. I certainly don't feel in control. In my career I can close the customer, I can give them an implementation plan so that they are working to my time-scales. I can manage them. Try applying this to a relationship and you either end up controlling someone or defeated. Neither desirable.
On a subconscious level I find myself so far out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating that I go into sabotage mode. Trying to find as many faults as possible with the person I'm dating - as a get out clause - or painting myself in the worst light so that they reject me. Because it's easier. Then, when I find this discrepancy between how I'm perceived in my work life and how I'm perceived in my personal life, I'm baffled.
I'm OK on my own, probably too OK really. Perhaps a little stuck in my ways but having worked on every other area of my personal development and got them to a point where I'm happy with my progress (though I will always strive to continue to progress) this is the final fronteer. This is the area where I'm falling short and it needs to be addressed.