It's been a long time since my last post.. Probably because I've been terrified that it wouldn't receive the same reaction. However I have decided - no that's a lie - I am compelled to write.
In recent months I have found that my work ethic and dedication to my job have begun to pay off and I now find myself with a successful career in a company where people appreciate ambition and focus and drive. Fantastic. Most of the time anyway, I'll leave the bad bits out of this particular post.
However, my love-life still appears to be a disaster area. I have decided that I need to start learning what it is that I'm actually supposed to do as although I seem to be very capable in other areas of my life, this is the one that I really let myself down in.
Problem 1
I am a feminist and far too independent. I have been single (and when I say single I mean that I have no one that I can rely on for help when I need it - the latest squeeze does not qualify as 'the other half') for most of my adult life and I take exception to anyone who waltzes into my life and starts telling me where I'm going wrong. I've worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to let anyone tell me that I should go back to the drawing board.
Problem 2
Men who I meet at work think I'm fantastic. Customers, colleagues etc. Now I don't mean to sound arrogant (I prefer confident - I couldn't do my job if I wasn't) but I have customers ringing me up and offering me jobs, telling me how fantastically efficient I am, telling me that they want to marry me.. I believe this leads me to having false expectations of how I will be received by the men in my personal life which leads me on to..
Problem 3
I am useless at dates. Put me in a business meeting and I'm great. I am told that I build great rapport with my clients, that they trust me, that I have an open style of questioning, that I ask for their business without sounding pushy. BUT - on a first date I turn into a nightmare. I get nervous so I drink too much. I have a dislike of small talk so I am way too open and honest with people and when they ask me (I say 'they' but I'm not dating in groups by the way) about myself I tell them everything... My hopes, my desires, my aspirations. The problem with this is that when you tell people about your dreams they often feel like you want them to be a part of it, even if you don't.
The truth of the matter is that I don't know where I am with relationships. I certainly don't feel in control. In my career I can close the customer, I can give them an implementation plan so that they are working to my time-scales. I can manage them. Try applying this to a relationship and you either end up controlling someone or defeated. Neither desirable.
On a subconscious level I find myself so far out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating that I go into sabotage mode. Trying to find as many faults as possible with the person I'm dating - as a get out clause - or painting myself in the worst light so that they reject me. Because it's easier. Then, when I find this discrepancy between how I'm perceived in my work life and how I'm perceived in my personal life, I'm baffled.
I'm OK on my own, probably too OK really. Perhaps a little stuck in my ways but having worked on every other area of my personal development and got them to a point where I'm happy with my progress (though I will always strive to continue to progress) this is the final fronteer. This is the area where I'm falling short and it needs to be addressed.
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14 comments:
Yay a post!
It's great to hear your job is finally giving you the rewards you've been seeking for so damn long.
I can relate to what you are saying about being too honest and open in a conversation, though there are SOME bits I'll hold back - for a while. I loved the way you described your latest 'squeeze' ^_^
Alas for advice I truly suck and am in no-where near an appropriate position to offer help - boo!
Fingers crossed someone with better experience will be able to offer something usefull :)
I've been thinking about your post a lot, trying to work out some kind of advice. I wonder if you have any type of guy set in your mind that you would like to find? Reading through what you've put here and previously I (and this is just a personal opinion) see you looking for someone more on the submissive side who'll accept your dreams and asperations by supporting them from below. Almost like a back office, someone who'll watch you grow and help you while being able to say 'Oi! hold up, what's this about?' and put forward, without fear, a different point of view when they think you may be about to take a wrong turn without forcing their ideas home. That sould be enough to let you relax in their pressence without need to go into 'sabotage' mode, perhaps.
Still, I guess that's easy to say and harder to do, much like saying 'I want it round, but square - hard but soft' but it may be worth (if you haven't done so already) pondering over types of guys you'd like. It may help tick some of those problems :)
From a father
When reading your blog my first reaction was, stop analysing you are scaring everyone away. Secondly, believe that God has someone for you and you will know them when you see them.
My son went through the same thing and when he stopped worrying about it he met someone, twelve months later they were married.
maybe you should stop thinking about yourself and start to find out what you need in a man? Is it important that he has a succesfull career? Someone who tells you to slow down from time to time? Someone who encourages you? How would you describe your ideal man? Write it down! His believes, his dreams, his habbits, his character,does he have humor? Does he like to travel? Is it a family man? When you know what you are looking for, it is easier to find and stops focusing on yourself, all I can read from your post is a strong woman who doesn´t need a man..start with showing a bit more of YOU, not you accomplishments..
Good luck, a happily married woman who came accross this blog ;-)
cool!
Problem 1- [translation] I don't listen and refuse criticism.
Problem 2- [translation] I tend to believe my press clippings which drives me deeper into problem #1.
Problem 3- [translation] The more I drink, the more I blabber. The more I blabber, the more I drink. Hmmmmm, is there a problem here?
Maybe take your time a bit more and try getting to know the person you're dating. Maybe realize that people offer criticism at times because they care. Maybe you just need to give love a better chance and remember it's about "us".
My first thought in reading your blog was WoW. I become a different person when I go on dates, and its perfectly normal to be nervous. Remember to relax and breathe. The Man sitting across the table from you is probrably just as nervous. He has a beauiful successful woman sitting across from him. When it comes to drinks, Limit yourself to two drinks. This way you are not so quick as to let everything out. A man does not want to hear your deepest desires yet. He wants to get to know you first. Something I have done is dont compromise in what you want in a man. People say shopping around is ok, when in reality not so much. Dont look. Let him come.
Nice Post!
I would like to know more about your blog. You may also visit my blog and tell me what you think.
I'm no relationship wizard (although it would be cool to sport that pointy hat and giant whupass stick) but what I personally think is: have fun.
Stop worrying about "Relationship relationship date date relations dinner movie elderberries" and just have fun and be yourself.
It may sound simple but perhaps you're over complicating things. Just my two cents anyways.
Trust and believe most of us are somewhat awkward in relationship. But your writing is honest. The universe will lead you to him. And you'll know he's the right one. Let him be the honest and open one. He'll need to prove himself to you. LOL...You are already the honest one!
I think you think to much and the solutions to yours drama will come with your sens, like view, some sounds the finest touch of a skin. Try it!
Don't worry about dating. The right guy always just falls into place
Thank you all for your comments. They mean a lot to me. x
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing
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