Reverting to type

Sometimes I think I might be losing my edge. I get a creeping feeling of self doubt; am I really as independent as I like to make out. Am I really happy on my own? Sometimes. Then some silly man will make a flippant comment that will get me right back up on my feminist show pony. Amen to that.

I had a conversation with A on Monday night; he has just purchased a percentage of a company in Sheffield at a bargain basement price. The plan is to liquidate this company and restart it along with a new branch of my existing company. This new branch will need a manager and A said that he thought that with the right guidance; I could be successful in the role. Imagine! Sales Manager at 29. Now that's what I'm talking about! That's what I've been working for.

Obviously this is great news and when I went to the gym I told my trainer about it. To my utter astonishment when I told him that I may be moving to Sheffield due to said opportunity he said 'well done' closely followed by 'yeah and there are loads of blokes in Sheffield, none of whom have met you so you'll stand more of a chance'.

I don't think I need to tell you how annoyed I was. To be honest I'm surprised that he didn't follow this with 'and then you can get those silly notions about having a career out of your head and settle down like a good girl'. I'm aware that he probably didn't know what he was saying but I ask you?! And he's supposed to be the son of a feminist.

I should be thanking him really because his comment assisted me in achieving two things;

1. I jogged non-stop for 25 minutes in an effort to calm myself down as I was LIVID.
2. I am further committed to my year of celibacy.

Upon reflection, and after asking a couple of my girlfriends whether I come across as someone who is consumed by the need to find a man (they said no - though if I read some historic posts I may find myself disappointed), I realised that I know the answer. I want this job; not a man. Not once after talking to A did it cross my mind that moving to Sheffield would be a good way to meet a man. My focus was entirely on the job, how I would perform, how I would manage people, how I can start preparing myself.

I also realised that since my sister has become a mother she has put me right off the idea. The toll it has taken on her body, the constant exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster, the fact that her life revolves around this (beautiful) leechy thing all make me determined that that's a long way into my future.


Also, my celibacy is starting to become a precious thing. I feel that if I were to break it it should be for something/someone really worthwhile. Not just because I've given in to my base urges.

So thank you Dr K (said trainer). I shall ride this pony into the sunset.

Further observations

I am orally fixated. I'm not sure that I can lay this at the door of my new found celibacy but nevertheless it's a fact. Perhaps forgoing sensation, sensuality (though little of the sex that I've had over the last year or so could claim to be either of these things) makes the senses more acute. I'm not sure but for some reason, eating, drinking, even licking my lips seems to have become a delightfully epicurean experience.

Further to this I am much more inclined to fantasise about being a loving relationship in pursuit of mutual gratification rather than selfish, hedonistic reward.

I've also found myself with a lot more intellectual energy and have started to read in earnest... I have also invested in a new journal so that I can write down thoughts and quotes along the way.

I wonder how long I'll last...?

Well how about this then

My first observation from my new status of celibacy; as a woman if you are deemed to be 'easy' this is not a reflection of your actions but rather the state of a man's mind. If he thinks that he could have you; you are easy. Regardless of whether he could actually have you or not.

It could be that you smiled at him, or complimented him, or showed interest in his opinions. If you told him that he was good looking that would definitely mean that you wanted to fuck him and God help you if you looked him in the eye for more than five seconds. You hussey.

It's not what you do, but what they think you might do that counts.

Am I a Dirty Old Woman?

Those who know me will know that I have had my fair share of fun in the bedroom department whether it be one night stands, relationships with sexual deviants or your stereotypical, cliched 'taboos'... I've been there and got the t-shirt. Not because I wanted it but just because that's where the road took me.

Now that I've entered a state of self-imposed celibacy (and although I've specified 2009 as being my celibate year I haven't had 'relations' for over four months now - possibly the longest duration of abstinence since I became sexually active - three used to be my limit) I find myself fantasising about some seriously peculiar people.

I know it might sound to you like I was talking a load of bollocks in my last post when I said that I was getting to know people for their humanity and all that but I promise it isn't. Before I would've been doing everything in my power to get these people into a position (ahem) where I could take advantage, or they could take advantage, preferably involving alcohol (that way if it goes wrong you can always blame the drink) but no, new, celibate me is just observing my behavior and my feelings and my fantasies and thinking 'good God, how the hell am I going to last?'. Ha ha.

It doesn't help, however, that my Estate Agent is ridiculously charming (although also ridiculously old at 62) and keeps insisting that he wants to get to know me better, to take me out to dinner etc and going as far as delivering The Sunday Times to me because I said that that was all I wanted from a relationship.

The boy in the gym who almost asked me for my number (in the steam room, I ask you... who the hell tries to get your number in the steam room?!) makes me feel quite confident for a while but then I remind myself that there is not one single fibre in my body that is attracted to him and that makes me realise that I'm not resisting at all; I'm being repelled.

The worst one is my personal trainer; he's far too young for me. He has stature and - more attractive than that - intelligence. He is one of those always-up-for-a-laugh types, with hidden depths. He's articulate and interesting and funny and if I wasn't sex-starved I might think I was developing a crush on him. This is not helped by the fact that his friends are always plastering pictures of him naked all over Facebook which gives a more detailed visual dimension to my fantasies.

BUT! My friends; I am sex-starved, and as such I cannot trust my lust anymore. Is this experiment (designed by me, to stop myself from being distracted by all the inappropriate suitors out there) going to fall flat on it's face because I will simply fancy every man I meet?! That is quite the opposite of what I intended. As ever; I will keep you posted.

New Year's Resolutions (A Little Late)

Here they are then;

1. No drinking alone during the week.
2. No smoking.
3. Save/invest.
4. Give time/money to charity.
5. No men.

So how do you think I'm doing?

I've failed at 1 already. The thing is, I'm ill at the moment and there's the snow and I kind of feel a bit like I have cabin fever and so I went out and got myself a cheeseburger and a beer. Ah well, at least I'm not smoking.

The 'no men' thing has been interesting as it's made it a lot easier to get to know people for their humanity rather than trying to shoe-horn them into a lover, boyfriend, potential husband role and if I'm honest I've been rather enjoying it. Gets a bit tricky when someone of the opposite sex brushes up against you though.. Deprivation just makes those minor encounters all the more vivid.

I've already saved some money (amazing; something I haven't done since I was a child) so you could say that you can tick 3 already. Ditto money to charity.

One of the most interesting things I found about making resolutions is peoples' attitudes. I've found that the happier people in my life have all congratulated me on my choices and said that they're all good things to aim for. My best friend (who seems to be becoming more and more negative as the years go by) said 'why so many? you're setting yourself up to fail' and one of my charming colleagues requested that I email them to her so that she can email me back with the date that I fail.

In 2008 I began to feel less and less inclined to spend my time with people who are negative towards me and towards my efforts to improve myself, my life and also to help other people. When I look back to how I was feeling this time last year I remember being so low that I couldn't see things improving; I didn't believe that I could really change my situation.

Now, I can see how that through my hard work and commitment to my goals I really am turning my life around. I am in less debt, I don't smoke, I'm healthier, happier, I drink much less, I don't take drugs, I don't waste time and money in the company of people who make me feel bad about myself, I don't feel the cloying need to be physically close to someone, I can find different types of emotional fulfillment with different people and no longer seek just one person to offer this. All these positive things I have achieved!

This year, 2009, I've started to try to help other people to do what I did last year; to help them to make the connections that I did between taking control of my life and my happiness. I'll let you know whether I have any success.