Adventures of a Warrior Princess

Oh Baby Baby

2011-11-22T15:29:00.001-08:00

Hope everyone is well and sorry it's been so long; I've been a wee bit busy with work of late, amongst other things.

Things have moved on a bit in this little old life of mine. I now live with my boyfriend. Did I tell you that? Well, in theory I live with him; he got posted to Cyprus with the RAF in August so he's only home once a month. It's pretty tough. As soon as I'm used to being alone he's back and as soon as I'm used to him being here he's gone again.

My biggest dilemma at the moment though is the future and mainly the pressure to procreate. My boyfriend really wants to have children but at the moment I'm finding it hard to get my head around. Part of the problem is that he's quite naive and I'm not sure how he'll actually cope with having a child. The other part is that I am the higher earner so not only do I have to take into account giving up my sleep, my sanity, my figure, and my social life but I also have to sacrifice my income and lifestyle as well. I work in London and live in Northampton and couldn't do my job if I had a child, unless I let my partner take over what would traditionally be the mother's role. My sister in law has done this though and is constantly criticised for if (all be it behind her back).

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice my lifestyle but there is also a huge part of me that doesn't want to sacrifice the opportunity to be the kind of mother that my mother was to me and my siblings. And as much as it shames me to say it I want my man to recognise this and step up to the mark rather than saying 'should I concentrate on getting a lower paid job that's closer to home?' (so that I can continue in the job I have).

I really hope that when my boyfriend is back from Cyprus I will feel more supported and more ready, but at the moment I have never felt less ready to have a child.

Bestie Bust Up

2011-07-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of a falling out with my best friend. It's been going on for a few weeks now and you know what it's like - it gets under your skin. It was over something that me and my cousin said to her at a recent barbecue, it was more my cousin really but she (my friend) holds me responsible. Figure that out. She also thinks that I should have stuck up for her.

The thing is, what was said wasn't really that bad. If my cousin had said it to me, or I'd said it to her then we would've just brushed it off. If it had annoyed us we would have just told the other to wind her neck in and that would have been it. The problem is, it was true. And my friend doesn't want to hear the truth. But she also doesn't want to stand up for herself either - she wants me to do it for her.

As a result of this bust up we had a full blown row. We haven't rowed like that for about 10 years I think - I told her even more truths. About how it's pissed me off for the last 3 years that she'll be spending the evening with me and her boyfriend will text her to 'summons' her and she'll bugger off half way through whatever it was that we were doing. She'd argue that we all want to spend time with the ones that we love, and we do, it's true. But I try not to be rude about it. I also expressed that I was worried about her relationship as I don't think her boyfriend is ever going to give her what she wants (3 years and she can't even ask if she's seeing him that night let alone broach the subject of where their relationship is going). We ended the call by agreeing to put it all behind us and move on - said that we would see each other at the weekend. But we didn't. And we didn't.

She's told her sister that from now on she's going to keep me at 'arms length'. After 17 years, one problem and I get relegated. I think that the real problem is that she wants to hide from the truth so much that she will do anything to not have to face it. And she knows that I can't lie. I just don't know how to have a friend that I have to pussy foot around. Or if not that, for there to be this huge part of her life - her relationship - that we can't talk about in case I upset her by telling her that she's not being treated right. I don't know how to have a superficial relationship with a friend of 17 years. I don't know how not to say 'I'm worried about you', 'he's not going to give you what you want'. And should I?

I know it's hard when people tell you stuff you don't want to hear. I've been there so many times. But if someone who really cares about you tells you that they're concerned surely you should listen. Shouldn't you?

I know she knows that her relationship is not right because she told me so herself but she just wants to hide from the truth for as long as possible. And I'm not sure I know how to let her.

Relationships

2011-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. Thought I'd better bring you guys up to speed just in case you were worried about me worrying or over thinking or getting blind drunk on a series of first dates... It appears that indeed, completely by accident and just the way that you told me it would happen the right man dropped neatly into my life.

I literally just finished with the latest 'not quite right' man. I was seeing him for about a month, he was really keen - too keen in fact. I'd get the same text at the same time every morning ("morning you") and if I didn't reply I'd get further texts increasing in degrees of desperation until I did reply. Too much. Way too much. I tried to finish with him but he was in Sales and he wouldn't take no for an answer so, gutless as I am, I did what a million clients have done to me in the past - I told him I'd think about it and then just hoped if I left it long enough he'd go away.

In the meantime someone who I used to go to school with contacted me; I'd bumped into him for the first time in 15 years the previous year but he'd been away since and had just returned to my home town. I arranged to go out for a drink with him thinking that it would be 'catch up drinks' - not a date and that there was no way having just gotten rid of a clingy bloke that I wanted to get involved with another one...

But guess what? Like you all said, once I wasn't worked up about creating a good impression I managed to do it by accident. We laughed about my blog post and about my friends telling me not to give people 'too much Clare' on the first date. We both got rolling drunk (his fault - he ordered Champagne because he was trying to impress me) and had so much to talk about. It was the first time in ages that I ended up crying with laughter.

I'm still seeing him, and we're coming up to the three month mark (the end of the probation period) and it's going really well. I had a period where I had to stop myself from trying to find things wrong with him (like him wearing slippers and crying at films) but now I'm getting used to this whole relationship lark. He is away all week for work and only back at the weekends so I think that helps to stop me from feeling claustrophobic and also means that I'm always pleased to see him.

In case you're wondering, I did eventually finish with the other bloke properly - I say properly - it was by text but at least I did it.

Relationsh*ts

2010-10-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since my last post.. Probably because I've been terrified that it wouldn't receive the same reaction. However I have decided - no that's a lie - I am compelled to write.

In recent months I have found that my work ethic and dedication to my job have begun to pay off and I now find myself with a successful career in a company where people appreciate ambition and focus and drive. Fantastic. Most of the time anyway, I'll leave the bad bits out of this particular post.

However, my love-life still appears to be a disaster area. I have decided that I need to start learning what it is that I'm actually supposed to do as although I seem to be very capable in other areas of my life, this is the one that I really let myself down in.

Problem 1
I am a feminist and far too independent. I have been single (and when I say single I mean that I have no one that I can rely on for help when I need it - the latest squeeze does not qualify as 'the other half') for most of my adult life and I take exception to anyone who waltzes into my life and starts telling me where I'm going wrong. I've worked hard to get where I am and I am not about to let anyone tell me that I should go back to the drawing board.

Problem 2
Men who I meet at work think I'm fantastic. Customers, colleagues etc. Now I don't mean to sound arrogant (I prefer confident - I couldn't do my job if I wasn't) but I have customers ringing me up and offering me jobs, telling me how fantastically efficient I am, telling me that they want to marry me.. I believe this leads me to having false expectations of how I will be received by the men in my personal life which leads me on to..

Problem 3
I am useless at dates. Put me in a business meeting and I'm great. I am told that I build great rapport with my clients, that they trust me, that I have an open style of questioning, that I ask for their business without sounding pushy. BUT - on a first date I turn into a nightmare. I get nervous so I drink too much. I have a dislike of small talk so I am way too open and honest with people and when they ask me (I say 'they' but I'm not dating in groups by the way) about myself I tell them everything... My hopes, my desires, my aspirations. The problem with this is that when you tell people about your dreams they often feel like you want them to be a part of it, even if you don't.

The truth of the matter is that I don't know where I am with relationships. I certainly don't feel in control. In my career I can close the customer, I can give them an implementation plan so that they are working to my time-scales. I can manage them. Try applying this to a relationship and you either end up controlling someone or defeated. Neither desirable.

On a subconscious level I find myself so far out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating that I go into sabotage mode. Trying to find as many faults as possible with the person I'm dating - as a get out clause - or painting myself in the worst light so that they reject me. Because it's easier. Then, when I find this discrepancy between how I'm perceived in my work life and how I'm perceived in my personal life, I'm baffled.

I'm OK on my own, probably too OK really. Perhaps a little stuck in my ways but having worked on every other area of my personal development and got them to a point where I'm happy with my progress (though I will always strive to continue to progress) this is the final fronteer. This is the area where I'm falling short and it needs to be addressed.

Doesn't Anyone Want to Fall In Love Anymore?

2010-04-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

I went out in town the other day only to find myself drowning in a sea of naked flesh. All of the young women displaying the attributes that God had blessed them with in the vain hope that a man may bless her with his attention for the evening. The whole experience made me feel sad for womankind. Like somehow the efforts of our fore-mothers had gone to waste because despite Germaine Greer's attempts to get us out from behind vacuum cleaners all women had done was use their liberation to become nothing more than animated blow up dolls... the media re-boxing us from our category of 'wife and mother' and into a new category of 'sex object'. A different kind of sucking.

It's the media who champion Katie Price as the new-age feminist when all she really does is pander to men's desires. Despite the wealth, is this woman really empowered? Has she really found 'happiness'?

As much as it may make me sound like a dried up old spinster I mainly blame the women for where we are now. I speak to young men all the time and their attitude is that I should be grateful that they are showing an interest in me, despite the fact that they have nothing to offer in the way of intellectual engagement, morals, wealth, health or general ability in anything. It is the women who have allowed themselves to become objects. It is the women who have championed this detached sexuality; the ideal of looking like a barbie doll, all pneumatic breasts and flawless brows - God help you if you look like you've had some kind of life experience... that would be so UGLY.

I would welcome the opportunity to meet someone, in a bar, who is under 30, who would actually be interested in getting to know someone new. Not because she is wearing a tiny boob tube or a ridiculously short skirt but just for the sake of learning something/someone new. For the sake of being interested in humankind.

Being an independent, empowered woman is not about how many people you can have sex with. It's not about becoming some manifestation of the ideals projected by a lads' mag, it's about looking in the mirror and saying 'this is me, my natural beauty' and being confident that you are attractive.

I see so many women offering their bodies up; there is no need for personality. And so many men accept this as the natural order. Personality comes nowhere, is non-essential. What ever happened to 'boy meets girl'?

The Cat That Walked By Himself

2010-03-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

EAR and attend and listen; for this befell and behappened and became and was, O my Best Beloved, when the Tame animals were wild. The Dog was wild, and the Horse was wild, and the Cow was wild, and the Sheep was wild, and the Pig was wild--as wild as wild could be--and they walked in the Wet Wild Woods by their wild lones. But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him.
Of course the Man was wild too. He was dreadfully wild. He didn't even begin to be tame till he met the Woman, and she told him that she did not like living in his wild ways. She picked out a nice dry Cave, instead of a heap of wet leaves, to lie down in; and she strewed clean sand on the floor; and she lit a nice fire of wood at the back of the Cave; and she hung a dried wild-horse skin, tail-down, across the opening of the Cave; and she said, 'Wipe you feet, dear, when you come in, and now we'll keep house.'
That night, Best Beloved, they ate wild sheep roasted on the hot stones, and flavoured with wild garlic and wild pepper; and wild duck stuffed with wild rice and wild fenugreek and wild coriander; and marrow-bones of wild oxen; and wild cherries, and wild grenadillas. Then the Man went to sleep in front of the fire ever so happy; but the Woman sat up, combing her hair. She took the bone of the shoulder of mutton--the big fat blade-bone--and she looked at the wonderful marks on it, and she threw more wood on the fire, and she made a Magic. She made the First Singing Magic in the world.
Out in the Wet Wild Woods all the wild animals gathered together where they could see the light of the fire a long way off, and they wondered what it meant.
Then Wild Horse stamped with his wild foot and said, 'O my Friends and O my Enemies, why have the Man and the Woman made that great light in that great Cave, and what harm will it do us?'
Wild Dog lifted up his wild nose and smelled the smell of roast mutton, and said, 'I will go up and see and look, and say; for I think it is good. Cat, come with me.'
'Nenni!' said the Cat. 'I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. I will not come.'
'Then we can never be friends again,' said Wild Dog, and he trotted off to the Cave. But when he had gone a little way the Cat said to himself, 'All places are alike to me. Why should I not go too and see and look and come away at my own liking.' So he slipped after Wild Dog softly, very softly, and hid himself where he could hear everything.
When Wild Dog reached the mouth of the Cave he lifted up the dried horse-skin with his nose and sniffed the beautiful smell of the roast mutton, and the Woman, looking at the blade-bone, heard him, and laughed, and said, 'Here comes the first. Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, what do you want?'
Wild Dog said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, what is this that smells so good in the Wild Woods?'
Then the Woman picked up a roasted mutton-bone and threw it to Wild Dog, and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, taste and try.' Wild Dog gnawed the bone, and it was more delicious than anything he had ever tasted, and he said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, give me another.'
The Woman said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, help my Man to hunt through the day and guard this Cave at night, and I will give you as many roast bones as you need.'
'Ah!' said the Cat, listening. 'This is a very wise Woman, but she is not so wise as I am.'
Wild Dog crawled into the Cave and laid his head on the Woman's lap, and said, 'O my Friend and Wife of my Friend, I will help Your Man to hunt through the day, and at night I will guard your Cave.'
'Ah!' said the Cat, listening. 'That is a very foolish Dog.' And he went back through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail, and walking by his wild lone. But he never told anybody.
When the Man waked up he said, 'What is Wild Dog doing here?' And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend, because he will be our friend for always and always and always. Take him with you when you go hunting.'
Next night the Woman cut great green armfuls of fresh grass from the water-meadows, and dried it before the fire, so that it smelt like new-mown hay, and she sat at the mouth of the Cave and plaited a halter out of horse-hide, and she looked at the shoulder of mutton-bone--at the big broad blade-bone--and she made a Magic. She made the Second Singing Magic in the world.
Out in the Wild Woods all the wild animals wondered what had happened to Wild Dog, and at last Wild Horse stamped with his foot and said, 'I will go and see and say why Wild Dog has not returned. Cat, come with me.'
'Nenni!' said the Cat. 'I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me. I will not come.' But all the same he followed Wild Horse softly, very softly, and hid himself where he could hear everything.
When the Woman heard Wild Horse tripping and stumbling on his long mane, she laughed and said, 'Here comes the second. Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods what do you want?'
Wild Horse said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, where is Wild Dog?'
The Woman laughed, and picked up the blade-bone and looked at it, and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, you did not come here for Wild Dog, but for the sake of this good grass.'
And Wild Horse, tripping and stumbling on his long mane, said, 'That is true; give it me to eat.'
The Woman said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, bend your wild head and wear what I give you, and you shall eat the wonderful grass three times a day.'
'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'this is a clever Woman, but she is not so clever as I am.' Wild Horse bent his wild head, and the Woman slipped the plaited hide halter over it, and Wild Horse breathed on the Woman's feet and said, 'O my Mistress, and Wife of my Master, I will be your servant for the sake of the wonderful grass.'
'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'that is a very foolish Horse.' And he went back through the Wet Wild Woods, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone. But he never told anybody.
When the Man and the Dog came back from hunting, the Man said, 'What is Wild Horse doing here?' And the Woman said, 'His name is not Wild Horse any more, but the First Servant, because he will carry us from place to place for always and always and always. Ride on his back when you go hunting.
Next day, holding her wild head high that her wild horns should not catch in the wild trees, Wild Cow came up to the Cave, and the Cat followed, and hid himself just the same as before; and everything happened just the same as before; and the Cat said the same things as before, and when Wild Cow had promised to give her milk to the Woman every day in exchange for the wonderful grass, the Cat went back through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone, just the same as before. But he never told anybody. And when the Man and the Horse and the Dog came home from hunting and asked the same questions same as before, the Woman said, 'Her name is not Wild Cow any more, but the Giver of Good Food. She will give us the warm white milk for always and always and always, and I will take care of her while you and the First Friend and the First Servant go hunting.
Next day the Cat waited to see if any other Wild thing would go up to the Cave, but no one moved in the Wet Wild Woods, so the Cat walked there by himself; and he saw the Woman milking the Cow, and he saw the light of the fire in the Cave, and he smelt the smell of the warm white milk.
Cat said, 'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy, where did Wild Cow go?'
The Woman laughed and said, 'Wild Thing out of the Wild Woods, go back to the Woods again, for I have braided up my hair, and I have put away the magic blade-bone, and we have no more need of either friends or servants in our Cave.
Cat said, 'I am not a friend, and I am not a servant. I am the Cat who walks by himself, and I wish to come into your cave.'
Woman said, 'Then why did you not come with First Friend on the first night?'
Cat grew very angry and said, 'Has Wild Dog told tales of me?'
Then the Woman laughed and said, 'You are the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to you. Your are neither a friend nor a servant. You have said it yourself. Go away and walk by yourself in all places alike.'
Then Cat pretended to be sorry and said, 'Must I never come into the Cave? Must I never sit by the warm fire? Must I never drink the warm white milk? You are very wise and very beautiful. You should not be cruel even to a Cat.'
Woman said, 'I knew I was wise, but I did not know I was beautiful. So I will make a bargain with you. If ever I say one word in your praise you may come into the Cave.'
'And if you say two words in my praise?' said the Cat.
'I never shall,' said the Woman, 'but if I say two words in your praise, you may sit by the fire in the Cave.'
'And if you say three words?' said the Cat.
'I never shall,' said the Woman, 'but if I say three words in your praise, you may drink the warm white milk three times a day for always and always and always.'
Then the Cat arched his back and said, 'Now let the Curtain at the mouth of the Cave, and the Fire at the back of the Cave, and the Milk-pots that stand beside the Fire, remember what my Enemy and the Wife of my Enemy has said.' And he went away through the Wet Wild Woods waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone.
That night when the Man and the Horse and the Dog came home from hunting, the Woman did not tell them of the bargain that she had made with the Cat, because she was afraid that they might not like it.
Cat went far and far away and hid himself in the Wet Wild Woods by his wild lone for a long time till the Woman forgot all about him. Only the Bat--the little upside-down Bat--that hung inside the Cave, knew where Cat hid; and every evening Bat would fly to Cat with news of what was happening.
One evening Bat said, 'There is a Baby in the Cave. He is new and pink and fat and small, and the Woman is very fond of him.'
'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'but what is the Baby fond of?'
'He is fond of things that are soft and tickle,' said the Bat. 'He is fond of warm things to hold in his arms when he goes to sleep. He is fond of being played with. He is fond of all those things.'
'Ah,' said the Cat, listening, 'then my time has come.'
Next night Cat walked through the Wet Wild Woods and hid very near the Cave till morning-time, and Man and Dog and Horse went hunting. The Woman was busy cooking that morning, and the Baby cried and interrupted. So she carried him outside the Cave and gave him a handful of pebbles to play with. But still the Baby cried.
Then the Cat put out his paddy paw and patted the Baby on the cheek, and it cooed; and the Cat rubbed against its fat knees and tickled it under its fat chin with his tail. And the Baby laughed; and the Woman heard him and smiled.
Then the Bat--the little upside-down bat--that hung in the mouth of the Cave said, 'O my Hostess and Wife of my Host and Mother of my Host's Son, a Wild Thing from the Wild Woods is most beautifully playing with your Baby.'
'A blessing on that Wild Thing whoever he may be,' said the Woman, straightening her back, 'for I was a busy woman this morning and he has done me a service.'
That very minute and second, Best Beloved, the dried horse-skin Curtain that was stretched tail-down at the mouth of the Cave fell down--whoosh!--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when the Woman went to pick it up--lo and behold!--the Cat was sitting quite comfy inside the Cave.
'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'it is I: for you have spoken a word in my praise, and now I can sit within the Cave for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.'
The Woman was very angry, and shut her lips tight and took up her spinning-wheel and began to spin. But the Baby cried because the Cat had gone away, and the Woman could not hush it, for it struggled and kicked and grew black in the face.
'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'take a strand of the wire that you are spinning and tie it to your spinning-whorl and drag it along the floor, and I will show you a magic that shall make your Baby laugh as loudly as he is now crying.'
'I will do so,' said the Woman, 'because I am at my wits' end; but I will not thank you for it.'
She tied the thread to the little clay spindle whorl and drew it across the floor, and the Cat ran after it and patted it with his paws and rolled head over heels, and tossed it backward over his shoulder and chased it between his hind-legs and pretended to lose it, and pounced down upon it again, till the Baby laughed as loudly as it had been crying, and scrambled after the Cat and frolicked all over the Cave till it grew tired and settled down to sleep with the Cat in its arms.
'Now,' said the Cat, 'I will sing the Baby a song that shall keep him asleep for an hour. And he began to purr, loud and low, low and loud, till the Baby fell fast asleep. The Woman smiled as she looked down upon the two of them and said, 'That was wonderfully done. No question but you are very clever, O Cat.'
That very minute and second, Best Beloved, the smoke of the fire at the back of the Cave came down in clouds from the roof--puff!--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when it had cleared away--lo and behold!--the Cat was sitting quite comfy close to the fire.
'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of My Enemy,' said the Cat, 'it is I, for you have spoken a second word in my praise, and now I can sit by the warm fire at the back of the Cave for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.'
Then the Woman was very very angry, and let down her hair and put more wood on the fire and brought out the broad blade-bone of the shoulder of mutton and began to make a Magic that should prevent her from saying a third word in praise of the Cat. It was not a Singing Magic, Best Beloved, it was a Still Magic; and by and by the Cave grew so still that a little wee-wee mouse crept out of a corner and ran across the floor.
'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy,' said the Cat, 'is that little mouse part of your magic?'
'Ouh! Chee! No indeed!' said the Woman, and she dropped the blade-bone and jumped upon the footstool in front of the fire and braided up her hair very quick for fear that the mouse should run up it.
'Ah,' said the Cat, watching, 'then the mouse will do me no harm if I eat it?'
'No,' said the Woman, braiding up her hair, 'eat it quickly and I will ever be grateful to you.'
Cat made one jump and caught the little mouse, and the Woman said, 'A hundred thanks. Even the First Friend is not quick enough to catch little mice as you have done. You must be very wise.'
That very moment and second, O Best Beloved, the Milk-pot that stood by the fire cracked in two pieces--ffft--because it remembered the bargain she had made with the Cat, and when the Woman jumped down from the footstool--lo and behold!--the Cat was lapping up the warm white milk that lay in one of the broken pieces.
'O my Enemy and Wife of my Enemy and Mother of my Enemy, said the Cat, 'it is I; for you have spoken three words in my praise, and now I can drink the warm white milk three times a day for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.'
Then the Woman laughed and set the Cat a bowl of the warm white milk and said, 'O Cat, you are as clever as a man, but remember that your bargain was not made with the Man or the Dog, and I do not know what they will do when they come home.'
'What is that to me?' said the Cat. 'If I have my place in the Cave by the fire and my warm white milk three times a day I do not care what the Man or the Dog can do.'
That evening when the Man and the Dog came into the Cave, the Woman told them all the story of the bargain while the Cat sat by the fire and smiled. Then the Man said, 'Yes, but he has not made a bargain with me or with all proper Men after me.' Then he took off his two leather boots and he took up his little stone axe (that makes three) and he fetched a piece of wood and a hatchet (that is five altogether), and he set them out in a row and he said, 'Now we will make our bargain. If you do not catch mice when you are in the Cave for always and always and always, I will throw these five things at you whenever I see you, and so shall all proper Men do after me.'
'Ah,' said the Woman, listening, 'this is a very clever Cat, but he is not so clever as my Man.'
The Cat counted the five things (and they looked very knobby) and he said, 'I will catch mice when I am in the Cave for always and always and always; but still I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.'
'Not when I am near,' said the Man. 'If you had not said that last I would have put all these things away for always and always and always; but I am now going to throw my two boots and my little stone axe (that makes three) at you whenever I meet you. And so shall all proper Men do after me!'
Then the Dog said, 'Wait a minute. He has not made a bargain with me or with all proper Dogs after me.' And he showed his teeth and said, 'If you are not kind to the Baby while I am in the Cave for always and always and always, I will hunt you till I catch you, and when I catch you I will bite you. And so shall all proper Dogs do after me.'
'Ah,' said the Woman, listening, 'this is a very clever Cat, but he is not so clever as the Dog.'
Cat counted the Dog's teeth (and they looked very pointed) and he said, 'I will be kind to the Baby while I am in the Cave, as long as he does not pull my tail too hard, for always and always and always. But still I am the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.'
'Not when I am near,' said the Dog. 'If you had not said that last I would have shut my mouth for always and always and always; but now I am going to hunt you up a tree whenever I meet you. And so shall all proper Dogs do after me.'
Then the Man threw his two boots and his little stone axe (that makes three) at the Cat, and the Cat ran out of the Cave and the Dog chased him up a tree; and from that day to this, Best Beloved, three proper Men out of five will always throw things at a Cat whenever they meet him, and all proper Dogs will chase him up a tree. But the Cat keeps his side of the bargain too. He will kill mice and he will be kind to Babies when he is in the house, just as long as they do not pull his tail too hard. But when he has done that, and between times, and when the moon gets up and night comes, he is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him. Then he goes out to the Wet Wild Woods or up the Wet Wild Trees or on the Wet Wild Roofs, waving his wild tail and walking by his wild lone.

I have not the time...

2010-03-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

So I am writing a list. Two lists.

Things I don't like;

Doing the cleaning
Painting my nails
Being late and having to rush
Pot holes
Toothache
Storage heating
My car park looking like a rubbish dump
People with 'agendas'
People who label you and then refuse to change their opinion despite contrary evidence

Things I like;

My cat
Having a clean house
Having painted nails
The feeling I get after having been to the gym
My car's computer telling me that it's 17,000 miles until my next service is due
Fruit
My family
Nice handbags
Winning business

That'll do for now.

Alright Y'all

2010-02-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

Long time no see.

It only takes a bit of flattery to spur me into action. One nice comment and I think 'hmm, maybe I should start writing again.

I'm not going to read my last post as I reckon it will make me puke. Thinking about that bloke usually makes me feel like that. I've never been able to work out how you can go from thinking that you might just fall in love with someone to wondering how on earth you were ever attracted to them. Ever. I actually feel physically repulsed at the thought of him and then immediately after that feel guilty for feeling like that because he didn't really do anything wrong. He just drank to much. And smoked too much. And called me 'babe'. And he'd walk in to my flat and say 'put telly on babe'. I should've known then.

I blame my friends. They're always saying 'oh give him a chance... don't do what you normally do and find reasons for it not to work'. I'm not FINDING reasons, they are just there.

Anyway - no chance of me being a smug couply person.

Muchos good news though; I managed to land my dream job... Now all I have to do is make sure I consistently sell loads of shit (not literally shit) in order to keep it. No pressure. It means working 60 hour weeks, if not 70 but I'm hoping that it's going to be worth it. I'm in this one for the long haul.

The only trouble with working this hard is that you lose your ability to spend your time doing trivial stuff like watching TV or noodling on Facebook. Not much of a sacrifice though really.

The other thing that I find slightly irritating is that I appear to have swapped one bunch of negative colleagues for another. Seriously - the guys at my new company don't know their born... They get leads passed to them all the time and do little or no self generating - yet still they moan that they don't get enough. I'm concentrating my efforts on spending as much time as possible with the positive people. I need to keep myself on a high.

I'll try to be a bit better at posting but for now... Toodle pip!

In Danger of Becoming a Smug Couply Person

2009-10-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

So I've (pretty much) come to terms with the fact that I am in a relationship. We've been seeing each other for like A WHOLE MONTH! Which is something of a record for me these days seeing as how he's not all like, emotionally unavailable an that.

No, this one doesn't have an ex girlfriend, or ex wife or ex anything to distract him and despite my previous panic I'm now actually enjoying being his 'girlfriend'. I even bought him a toothbrush. Now how's that for commitment?

The only thing I AM worried about is that I was on the phone to my single friend the other night (the one that I always used to complain to about the damn happy couply people with) and I started saying all the things that I used to hate. Like; 'it won't be like this forever, I never thought I'd meet anyone and then low and behold I met N in a place where I never thought I'd meet anyone' and 'no, if it's not right kick him to the curb... you need to be with someone who you KNOW is right - even if he doesn't tick all your boxes'.

I used to get so pissed off with people for saying that kind of thing. I'd think - 'how the hell do you know?! I could be on my own forever'. And now here I am throwing caution to the wind like all those other crazy fools that I've criticised in the past.

But you know what? N looks after me. He wants to help me out. He doesn't put me down or make me feel bad (even when I accidentally throw red wine all over his favorite shirt). He makes me feel good about being me and like maybe I may have a future with someone.

I checked in with my friend to make sure I wasn't being unbearable and she said not. I'm glad. I hope she'll tell me if I get like that.

And you know what? I'm just going to enjoy this feeling.

Now if I can just stop him going on about my biological clock....

The Rise and Rise of the Commitmentophobe

2009-10-04T04:17:00.000-07:00

Well I met a boy (man really), not on the internet but in real life and well - he's pretty keen. We get on really well, I fancy him, he fancies me but... Why is there always a but?

Despite the fact that I do really like him and I think the relationship has 'potential' (he knows how to discuss politics and he can spell and stuff) I still have this niggle... I'm scared of losing my freedom; my independence.

It's not that I think that all of a sudden he's going to stop me going out and seeing my mates and stuff like that; he doesn't strike me as the type. I'm scared of having to consider someone else. At all. Selfish aren't I?

We were talking last night (during a night in watching Strictly - how couply is that?!), chatting about family and so on and he said 'you'll have to meet my mum soon'. I can only imagine from his reaction that a look of sheer panic passed across my face because the next thing he said was 'have I said the wrong thing?'. What is UP with me?! Why does that freak me out so much - surely if you want to be in a relationship all that family meeting stuff is just par for the course..

I think my problem with it is that once you meet the family there is a certain level of expectation; from them, from you, and of the relationship. Or am I just freaking myself out? I think I may be.

So now I'm doing what I always do by thinking that if I'm having doubts then maybe it's not right. But I ALWAYS do that. And he's great - there is no reason that it shouldn't work apart from me being an idiot. I need to get my friends to sort me out I reckon.

50/50

2009-09-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well the meeting went well. Thanks for your messages of support. I think it will be between me and another dealer and I should know within the next two weeks so keep everything crossed for me until then please!

I still haven't quite got over the representative from our partner company (who A also asked to mentor me) telling me that if I can't have a relationship without arguing then I have issues that I may need some 'help' to work out. Erm.. Thanks love - I need your help to sell into the corporate market. If I want relationship advice I'll write to Dear Deirdre.

I can't understand why so many people in my work-life are so obsessed with me finding a man. Yeah it'd be nice, but I'm not losing any sleep over it so why should they? I keep getting people telling me that it would 'stabilise' me. I'm not unstable! Piss off!

Had a good chat with A after the meeting too; there are lots of opportunities presenting themselves at work at the moment and I think I just have to bide my time and hopefully one that fits me will come along. Or - they'll just keep promoting my colleagues.

PMA

2009-09-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've just come back from a run so I thought I'd knock out a quick post whilst the endorphins are still zipping about in my system; it's going to be a positive one.

Right, number a) I am going to be doing a presentation tomorrow that could be worth £38k. That would wipe the floor with James for the year. It's more that his accumulated profit so far. Fingers crossed guys.

Number b) I must say that I'm looking pretty good at the moment. My resolution when I came back from India was to start taking more care over my appearance and I have to say it's making me feel much better. Plus all the gym sessions and running means I'm slimmer and fitter than ever. Booyah!

Number c) If I do get this deal it would pay off the remainder of my debt in one go. Whoop!

Number d) I had a lovely weekend with my three favorite women in the world; my sister, my mum and my niece.

Life is not so bad; frustrating at times, but not so bad.

Saturation point.

2009-09-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'll give you a brief overview of what has happened over the last week;

We have a new Ops Manager, as I may have mentioned. He's very flirty with all of the women and very much the diplomat. We have worked together on various different projects and I thought we were getting on really well.

The week before last, on a Friday I had a long conversation with A where we ironed out some of our differences (which is good) but he also dropped a bit of a bomb-shell which is that the Ops Manager was recommending my colleague, James, for promotion into the Sales Manager's role.

To make things clear to you guys, this is not a job that I want. I can't be bothered with the stress of being promoted above my colleagues. It's hard enough just to get on with them let alone having to manage them and I know that they'd be so bitter about it that they'd make it as hard as possible. I know that this is the role that A sees me in and maybe I'd do it within a different company as he's suggested before (like if he bought a company and I'd have new staff to manage) but this particular role? No thanks.

But I don't want James as my boss either. I know, I know... I sound like I'm being bitter but I can't help it. He's not even a team player let alone a people manager. He's lied and cheated and manipulated to get leads from management. He also makes a big thing about only working part time hours etc and as I said in my previous post, he's the one who has his work phone switched off when they track us on a Friday afternoon. James and I don't get on. How am I going to cope with having him telling me what to do?

So it's not set in stone (or so A told me) but the Ops Manager made the suggestion to A (Managing Director) and the Chairman and came straight out of the meeting and called James to tell him what he was recommending. James then called A to tell him how pleased he was. So how can A then say that it's not going to happen without undermining the Ops Manager? He can't. Clever Ops Manager.

The other tit bit of info that A gave me was that when he was chatting to the Ops Manager about me, when he suggested me for management the Ops manager winced. Can you believe that?

So in an endeavor to find out what the fudge is going on in this guy's head I asked to see both him and A to talk about my prospects within the organisation and the proposed new structure of the business. I went along with some great ideas for a new role for someone (i.e. me) to manage the relationship between our company and the business partner companies - the other companies who's products we sell. Whilst in the meeting A repeatedly tried (by taking various hypothetical positions out of the equations) to make me say that I wanted the sales manager's role which eventually I did, but like; 'if there was no other way I could move up within the company then yes, I would go for the sales manager role'. I then turned to the Ops Manager and said 'do you think that I would be good in a manager's role' and he replied; 'I don't know'.

Now I'm not being funny but if you thought that someone was so unsuitable for a role that when someone asks for your opinion you wince, surely you should have some kind of feedback as to why? The fact that he said 'I don't know' makes me think that he is not bothered about my development at all. So maybe if he'd have said, 'I think that you'd be more suited to....' or 'I think you have some areas to work on first, such as....' I'd think, OK, fair enough. I could work with that. But he didn't.

Since all this started I've had advice from A, and H, and my mum and just about everyone else and I have now reached saturation point. I'm exhausted by it. I'm just going to get my head down for a while and do my job. I'm not sure what to do about the job hunt either - maybe I should wait a while and see how the dust settles. I know that I'll have to apply for this position whether I want it or not so maybe I'll get something else out of it.

I can't help thinking that one of the reasons that the Ops Manager didn't put me forward is that I don't respond to his flirting and that he can't manipulate me. I also think that he's a little sexist and finds strong women quite intimidating. I have my suspicions that he has a really tiny penis too.

Conundrum

2009-09-15T11:36:00.001-07:00

So you work your ass off; take as much advice as you can from the powers that be, go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you’re prepared for every meeting, state your intentions, let them all know how ambitious you are and help to improve the procedures within the company. You do all this and still self generate all of your own sales and come joint 1st on the league table.

He works part time hours on a full time contract. He states this in front of you and your colleagues on a regular basis, he doesn’t work on Fridays. He talks about sex openly and crudely in front of colleagues and business associates alike. When the company decides to track everyone, he’s the one with his phone switched off. He is given handed sales leads to convert and comes joint 1st on the league table.

So when it comes down to it; who gets offered a promotion?

100th Post!!

2009-09-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

Is it too much to be looking for a new job and love at the same time? Probably. Can I sustain that level of rejection? Hmmm... Not sure.

I'm fed up with work. I'm fed up with busting my ass for sales only to have all the other elements involved fuck it all up at the last minute and I'm fed up of getting crap commission so I'm looking for a job. Not the best time though is it? Ah well - we'll see what happens.

On the love front; I messaged two blokes and they didn't message me back. What's all that about? I dunno - no wonder us women wait for the blokes to make the first move. But hey, I feel your pain fellas - you guys are expected to just get used to the rejection.

I'm also fed up of A not being able to keep his emotions in check. This is where everyone gets to have a little gloat cos they told me that my relationship with him would cause me problems. He needs to get his ass to Vipassana - that's where I learned to rationalise my emotions.

I'll let you know how it goes. Happy 100th my lovelies. x

A Good News Post

2009-07-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Lots of good news.

I have a new friend at work, H. She's from Belfast and has a similar work ethic to me. She's a bit more 'play hard' than I am these days but we're on par with the 'work hard' part. It's great because the friend that I used to talk to about work stress buggered off to Australia about 6 months ago so having someone to sound off to is a godsend. Also it's nice to have another strong female in my everyday life again. I'm fed up of being the only one.

I am also now my trainer's strongest lady client. Go me! I can now dumb bell press 12.5 kg. I'm impressed - I have no doubt you are too. Plus I am a whole stone lighter than I was when I started. K would like to feel proud of me but his relationship with me prevents him from doing so, so I am just gonna have to be proud of myself.

I have lots of big sales in the pipeline. Great news.

On the 'I'm not entirely sure if this is good news' front... I have a new boss and I think that he fancies me. I'm not wanting to sound conceited (though those of you who know me know that I am) or anything but most of my bosses seem to develop some kind of thing for me and I'm not sure why. At the moment it's just an feeling that I get from him - he makes a thing of having private 'in' jokes with me and points out how unprofessional that is. Tonight I called him about work and he kept me talking for over 25 minutes - not about work. I was telling him about training last night and he was saying that he had all these images of me in his head 'lifting weights and stuff'. What do you reckon? I reckon he wants a bit. Of course if anything were to happen it would be utterly disastrous... A would be horrified and would hate me because he thinks that he has some claim over me. It would be an insult to him if I went off with another older man; he wouldn't be able to rationalise his emotions and he'd be vile to me. I'm tempted to do it just for the drama.

Jokes! Not really guys. My days of throwing spanners in works are over. I'm a good girl now.

More good news - I'm going to bloody India! Woo hoo... On holiday. I'm really hoping to have a fantastic time, not like the time that I went to South Africa and HATED it. I am confident that it won't be like that because I'm going with like-minded people. Hopefully we will sit talking and philosophising and reminiscing until the early hours of each morning and spend our days drinking in the culture. I will be taking my journal in the hope that I find inspiration!

The next post will be my 100th! I'd better go and have an adventure to write about.

Uuuuuugggghhhhh!

2009-07-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

My life is stagnant. Don't get me wrong; I'm happy. Good job, decent income, nice flat, no fuckwit to mess with my mind or interfere with my life... Things are good. Very good. I'm not drinking too much, quit smoking, go to the gym, I'm fit, healthy, slim. I get to work on time. Perform well (when service providers and networks don't fuck about with my sales), do what is expected of me and more... and so on and so on.

I'm just so frustrated. (Please God don't read this post and send some shit to come and keep me entertained, like cancer for a loved one or a fire to destroy my earthly possessions - I KNOW how lucky I am and am reminded that I must do more for charity... I did sponsor that bloke this week though...).

I need more; more than this job. I need to be stretched - I need to earn more so that I can have more freedom - I need to start fulfilling my potential. I need to take the next step. I have various things in the pipeline such as a wine business and a potential new sales job that doesn't have people who are in contracts that are set in stone. I'm pushing. Maybe I'm just not pushing hard enough. Or not pushing the right spot.

I'm so frustrated that at times I wish I was one of those 'ordinary' people. That I could just plod through life in some boring job, satisfied with my lot. Maybe I could be a single mum on benefits. Maybe a housewife. But then I look at these people and realise that a) they're not happy and b) if I was one of them I'd hate myself. So I can't.

I can't help feeling frustrated. I'm frustrated with my sister for being the epitome of 'The Female Eunuch'. I'm frustrated with her not being able to identify why she's feeling so miserable - to see that it's her total lack of an identity that is making her feel so lost. I'm frustrated with my mother for not helping her to cope with her new baby. I'm frustrated that my mother expects people to be unhappy and begrudges them assistance when they struggle. I'm frustrated that she thinks that because I don't have a baby I have nothing in my life worth taking an interest in and that she thinks that I'M the one who's mixed up my priorities. I'm frustrated that there doesn't seem to be a man (under the age of 50) that has the balls or conviction in his attraction to me to go out of his way to impress me. I'm also frustrated that I haven't met a man in the last 24 months that has anything to offer me other than shit, sanctimonious advice about how I'm getting it all wrong. Fuck you! I'd rather retire on a yacht than in a fucking teepee!

I need to move things on... Got to push on - got to make something, build something... Show the world what I can do. Got to buy my future freedom. This space is too small! I want more.

I Wish I Had Written This!

2009-06-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

'The sophisticated argument is that promiscuity devalues sex, makes it commonplace, impersonal and so forth, but the kind of depression felt by the men forced by circumstances to be more or less promiscuous, like traveling musicians, is really still the same old disgust. Very few men who have slept around casually are able to converse humanely with the women who have extended their favours. Many a woman sorrowfully reflects that her more recherche sexual techniques, her more delicate apprehensions of her polymorphous partner's needs, her very sexual generosity has directly entailed her lover's eventual revulsion and estrangement. We may find a key to sexual outrage and murder in the inability of men to shed their inhibitions with the fine woman who is good enough to marry, and their terror and disgust at what the repressed desire eventually forces them to do. The worst aspect of prostitution is that many a prostitute must undergo the bestial rituals which civilised men find necessary for sexual release. Many prostitutes claim this as their social function. The unfortunate girls found strangled with their own stockings and raped with bottles are the victims of male fetishism and loathing, and yet no woman has ever cried out after such an outrage on her sex, 'Why do you hate us so?', although hate it clearly is.'

Germain Greer - The Female Eunuch 1970

A Boring Catch-Up Post

2009-06-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to think of things to write about for ages... I find it difficult to write when I'm not pissed off and I have to say that the majority of the time these days, I'm not pissed off.

I read back over some of my old posts the other day and was a little annoyed that most of them seem to be related to men. I feel that I must make an effort to redress this balance and I suppose this would be a good time to start since I don't have any in my life at the moment. (Though I did give up the whole celibacy thing cos it was a bit boring once I'd proved that I could do it).

I have now dieted myself back into my favorite pair of jeans which is great because I LOVE them and wear them every day, pretty much. I'm still really enjoying the fitness lark too - I have some impressive muscles... I don't look like a body builder or anything though. That would be yucky.

I'm missing not having a garden in this hot weather and I'm thinking if I don't change jobs soon I may need to think about moving; I could do with having a house with a garden. Midgey would like that too I think. I could get him a harness... He's too much of a scaredy cat to go out wandering on his own.

I'm off to India in August which I'm really looking forward to... We'll be traveling from Mumbai to Agra, then down to Goa and hopefully to Kerala for a bit and then back up to Mumbai before flying home. Though having just checked out a few bits on the internet, Kerala may be a bit ambitious so maybe we'll have to leave that bit out. I'm looking forward to the adventure though!

All My Idols Have Feet of Clay

2009-03-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this out of sheer frustration and utter disappointment. I have allowed myself to be let down again; I’ve expected too much. A man who I very much admire and respect for a number of reasons (negotiating skills, sales technique, business acumen) has shown himself not only to be human; but to be just a man.

A is my boss, my Managing Director. He’s also a close friend and yes, I am aware that he is physically attracted to me. We have had problems in our relationship previously similar to the ones that I am going to describe here. The problems led me to stop socialising with him for many months but recently, because he has had a couple of business victories (mainly the purchase of a new company) I agreed to go out to dinner with him.

Prior to this dinner we had been getting on very well and he had been mentoring me at work and encouraging me to develop further in my career. I have been much more committed to the business since the beginning of the New Year and having pointed this out I started pushing for more responsibility. As I said, I know that Austen has feelings for me that go above and beyond a working relationship but I have stated in no uncertain terms several times before that there is absolutely NO CHANCE of there ever being any kind of romantic development between us.

Admittedly we had a great time when we went out together; we had a laugh and enjoyed the food and wine; bitched about colleagues and talked about our aspirations and dreams for the future. By the end of the evening I could see he had a soppy look in his eye and said to him that I did not think it was a good idea for us to go out again because of that. He tried to say that I had the same look (projecting) and I reiterated for the millionth time that I did not have those kinds of feelings for him; that I see him as a good friend and nothing more.

The following week during a work related meeting in the office. He told me that he had made up his mind; he new what he wanted (me) and that he always gets what he wants, and that he wasn’t going to fail. This made me feel really uncomfortable, not just because it’s not very nice for someone to ignore the fact that you have rebuffed them, but that he was objectifying me. He – a man who is supposedly my friend, someone who respects me – is turning me into a ‘sale’ or the purchase of a business; just another contest to be won. The phrase ‘no means no’ springs to mind; why can’t he respect my feelings on the matter? Why does he have to push it?

Later that week he asked me out for dinner; I declined. He kept texting me advice on my private life that I hadn’t asked for. It was too much; too intrusive. But I didn’t know what to do. I can’t just ignore him – he’s my boss. I replied in polite but non-conversational tones. He text me saying ‘We’ll go for dinner next week’ and ‘Which day is best for you?’ – The assumptive close. I said that I couldn’t do dinner he asked if it was a case that I ‘couldn’t’ or ‘didn’t want to’. I told the truth.

I was with another male friend while he was texting me who said that I should just go – it’s a free dinner and that if it was going to further my career why didn’t I just fuck him? He was joking, of course, but still I feel that he has missed the point somewhat. I’m being put in a really awkward position by and authority figure. A man who, in all other aspects of life I have the utmost respect for. I’m expected to handle this all on my own, I know that if I talked to my mother, my sister, my female friends that they would probably put the responsibility on my shoulders; why was I so silly to think that I could be friends with this man? Twice?! What did I expect? But there is still a part – a big part – of me that thinks that that’s bullshit. Why shouldn’t I be able to be friends with him? Surely it’s him that’s being ridiculous thinking that he could have a sexual relationship with me – a woman half his age? Surely he should be the responsible one? He’s the one in the position of authority! Yet – I’m supposed to just deal with it, handle it as best I can because at the end of the day HE’S A MAN and he can’t help himself.

Now; because I’ve blown him out again I have to try to handle him being a total asshole to me; same as last time; bawling me out in front of the whole office, having little or no patience with me, deliberately knocking my confidence. All because he isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle ‘losing’.

What’s equally as bad is that I will cover up his behaviour partly out of loyalty to him and the company and partly because it won’t do my career any favours to ‘gossip’ about the Managing Director. The fact that I will do this while he vents his emotions by criticising me makes my blood boil. If I was a man and he was a woman would it be as damaging for me to tell the truth?

What the fucking fuck?

2009-03-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

"'Did anyone tell you my nickname? No? "Mr. Li".'
Luisa isn't sure what response is expected. 'A little context might help.'
'My first week on the job, I'm up in the canteen, fixing myself a coffee. This engineer comes up, tells me he's got a problem of a mechanical nature and asks if I can help. His buddies are sniggering in the background. I say, "I doubt it." The guy says, "Sure you can help," he wants me to oil his bolt and relieve the excess pressure on his nuts.'
'This engineer was how old? Thirteen?'
'Forty, married, two kids. So his buddies are snorting with laughter now. What would you do? Dash off some witty put-down line, let 'em know you're riled? Slap hi, get labeled hysterical? Besides, creeps like that enjoy being slapped. Do nothing? So any man on site can say shit like that to you with impunity?'
'An official complaint?'
'Prove that women run to senior men when the going gets tough?'
'So what did you do?'
'Had him transferred to our Kansas plant. Middle of nowhere, middle of January. I pity his wife, buy she married him. Word gets round, I get dubbed "Mr. Li". A real woman wouldn't have treated the poor guy so cruelly, no, a real woman would've taken his jokes as a compliment.'"

I read that and recognised it as something that me and my friends have come up against time and time again. There have been a couple of things recently that have reminded me that although we lovely ladies have come a long way in our professional lives; it's not a level playing field yet.

One of my colleagues was asked by the management to infiltrate a company that they were looking into purchasing. The idea was that this guy should hang out with them, get to know them socially a bit, report back on the dynamics and who had which role and how the various pieces fit together. This company is mostly made up of guys but there is one woman who is not fantastic looking but is, by all accounts, a bit of a flirt.

My company has now bought a stake in this new one; my colleague has been commended in his efforts and for being a 'spy in their camp' (not my words - my MD's). After the sale had gone through I had a text from my MD saying that my colleague had slept with the girl at this company as part of his 'infiltration'.

I've never seen sex for favours as a good idea. There's something sleazy about it. Definitely something distasteful about 'trading' sex for pretty much anything in my opinion (slightly different if it's in a loving relationship of course). I just think that you should treat sharing your body with someone with some sensitivity and respect.

The thing that really annoyed me about this is that when I questioned my MD on whether he thought this was an appropriate way for an employee to behave when 'on duty', as it were, he said 'well I think she's a bit of a flirt'. Err.. Right, yeah so it's her fault then... Right, OK.

If that'd been me I would've not only lost the respect of all the people in that new company, and my MD but also would probably have been hauled over the coals by my mates as well with warning of the aforementioned happening. I (still) don't get why the reaction to a male colleague doing this is 'good lad!' and yet for a female it's completely different. I think the workplace is where this is most apparent.

2009-02-26T16:22:00.000-08:00

Reverting to type

2009-02-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think I might be losing my edge. I get a creeping feeling of self doubt; am I really as independent as I like to make out. Am I really happy on my own? Sometimes. Then some silly man will make a flippant comment that will get me right back up on my feminist show pony. Amen to that.

I had a conversation with A on Monday night; he has just purchased a percentage of a company in Sheffield at a bargain basement price. The plan is to liquidate this company and restart it along with a new branch of my existing company. This new branch will need a manager and A said that he thought that with the right guidance; I could be successful in the role. Imagine! Sales Manager at 29. Now that's what I'm talking about! That's what I've been working for.

Obviously this is great news and when I went to the gym I told my trainer about it. To my utter astonishment when I told him that I may be moving to Sheffield due to said opportunity he said 'well done' closely followed by 'yeah and there are loads of blokes in Sheffield, none of whom have met you so you'll stand more of a chance'.

I don't think I need to tell you how annoyed I was. To be honest I'm surprised that he didn't follow this with 'and then you can get those silly notions about having a career out of your head and settle down like a good girl'. I'm aware that he probably didn't know what he was saying but I ask you?! And he's supposed to be the son of a feminist.

I should be thanking him really because his comment assisted me in achieving two things;

1. I jogged non-stop for 25 minutes in an effort to calm myself down as I was LIVID.
2. I am further committed to my year of celibacy.

Upon reflection, and after asking a couple of my girlfriends whether I come across as someone who is consumed by the need to find a man (they said no - though if I read some historic posts I may find myself disappointed), I realised that I know the answer. I want this job; not a man. Not once after talking to A did it cross my mind that moving to Sheffield would be a good way to meet a man. My focus was entirely on the job, how I would perform, how I would manage people, how I can start preparing myself.

I also realised that since my sister has become a mother she has put me right off the idea. The toll it has taken on her body, the constant exhaustion, the emotional roller coaster, the fact that her life revolves around this (beautiful) leechy thing all make me determined that that's a long way into my future.

Also, my celibacy is starting to become a precious thing. I feel that if I were to break it it should be for something/someone really worthwhile. Not just because I've given in to my base urges.

So thank you Dr K (said trainer). I shall ride this pony into the sunset.

Further observations

2009-02-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am orally fixated. I'm not sure that I can lay this at the door of my new found celibacy but nevertheless it's a fact. Perhaps forgoing sensation, sensuality (though little of the sex that I've had over the last year or so could claim to be either of these things) makes the senses more acute. I'm not sure but for some reason, eating, drinking, even licking my lips seems to have become a delightfully epicurean experience.

Further to this I am much more inclined to fantasise about being a loving relationship in pursuit of mutual gratification rather than selfish, hedonistic reward.

I've also found myself with a lot more intellectual energy and have started to read in earnest... I have also invested in a new journal so that I can write down thoughts and quotes along the way.

I wonder how long I'll last...?

Well how about this then

2009-02-13T15:50:00.001-08:00

My first observation from my new status of celibacy; as a woman if you are deemed to be 'easy' this is not a reflection of your actions but rather the state of a man's mind. If he thinks that he could have you; you are easy. Regardless of whether he could actually have you or not.

It could be that you smiled at him, or complimented him, or showed interest in his opinions. If you told him that he was good looking that would definitely mean that you wanted to fuck him and God help you if you looked him in the eye for more than five seconds. You hussey.

It's not what you do, but what they think you might do that counts.

Am I a Dirty Old Woman?

2009-02-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

Those who know me will know that I have had my fair share of fun in the bedroom department whether it be one night stands, relationships with sexual deviants or your stereotypical, cliched 'taboos'... I've been there and got the t-shirt. Not because I wanted it but just because that's where the road took me.

Now that I've entered a state of self-imposed celibacy (and although I've specified 2009 as being my celibate year I haven't had 'relations' for over four months now - possibly the longest duration of abstinence since I became sexually active - three used to be my limit) I find myself fantasising about some seriously peculiar people.

I know it might sound to you like I was talking a load of bollocks in my last post when I said that I was getting to know people for their humanity and all that but I promise it isn't. Before I would've been doing everything in my power to get these people into a position (ahem) where I could take advantage, or they could take advantage, preferably involving alcohol (that way if it goes wrong you can always blame the drink) but no, new, celibate me is just observing my behavior and my feelings and my fantasies and thinking 'good God, how the hell am I going to last?'. Ha ha.

It doesn't help, however, that my Estate Agent is ridiculously charming (although also ridiculously old at 62) and keeps insisting that he wants to get to know me better, to take me out to dinner etc and going as far as delivering The Sunday Times to me because I said that that was all I wanted from a relationship.

The boy in the gym who almost asked me for my number (in the steam room, I ask you... who the hell tries to get your number in the steam room?!) makes me feel quite confident for a while but then I remind myself that there is not one single fibre in my body that is attracted to him and that makes me realise that I'm not resisting at all; I'm being repelled.

The worst one is my personal trainer; he's far too young for me. He has stature and - more attractive than that - intelligence. He is one of those always-up-for-a-laugh types, with hidden depths. He's articulate and interesting and funny and if I wasn't sex-starved I might think I was developing a crush on him. This is not helped by the fact that his friends are always plastering pictures of him naked all over Facebook which gives a more detailed visual dimension to my fantasies.

BUT! My friends; I am sex-starved, and as such I cannot trust my lust anymore. Is this experiment (designed by me, to stop myself from being distracted by all the inappropriate suitors out there) going to fall flat on it's face because I will simply fancy every man I meet?! That is quite the opposite of what I intended. As ever; I will keep you posted.

New Year's Resolutions (A Little Late)

2009-02-05T13:58:00.000-08:00

Here they are then;

1. No drinking alone during the week.
2. No smoking.
3. Save/invest.
4. Give time/money to charity.
5. No men.

So how do you think I'm doing?

I've failed at 1 already. The thing is, I'm ill at the moment and there's the snow and I kind of feel a bit like I have cabin fever and so I went out and got myself a cheeseburger and a beer. Ah well, at least I'm not smoking.

The 'no men' thing has been interesting as it's made it a lot easier to get to know people for their humanity rather than trying to shoe-horn them into a lover, boyfriend, potential husband role and if I'm honest I've been rather enjoying it. Gets a bit tricky when someone of the opposite sex brushes up against you though.. Deprivation just makes those minor encounters all the more vivid.

I've already saved some money (amazing; something I haven't done since I was a child) so you could say that you can tick 3 already. Ditto money to charity.

One of the most interesting things I found about making resolutions is peoples' attitudes. I've found that the happier people in my life have all congratulated me on my choices and said that they're all good things to aim for. My best friend (who seems to be becoming more and more negative as the years go by) said 'why so many? you're setting yourself up to fail' and one of my charming colleagues requested that I email them to her so that she can email me back with the date that I fail.

In 2008 I began to feel less and less inclined to spend my time with people who are negative towards me and towards my efforts to improve myself, my life and also to help other people. When I look back to how I was feeling this time last year I remember being so low that I couldn't see things improving; I didn't believe that I could really change my situation.

Now, I can see how that through my hard work and commitment to my goals I really am turning my life around. I am in less debt, I don't smoke, I'm healthier, happier, I drink much less, I don't take drugs, I don't waste time and money in the company of people who make me feel bad about myself, I don't feel the cloying need to be physically close to someone, I can find different types of emotional fulfillment with different people and no longer seek just one person to offer this. All these positive things I have achieved!

This year, 2009, I've started to try to help other people to do what I did last year; to help them to make the connections that I did between taking control of my life and my happiness. I'll let you know whether I have any success.

And here we are...

2008-12-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

My parents are divorcing. It's been a long time coming. They should've done it sooner. The catalyst is my father's new girlfriend; my parents haven't been physical with each other for over 7 years and when my dad moved to France it gave him the freedom to meet someone. That someone seems to be someone who is recognising and supporting him. Who is allowing him to flourish as the man he has always wanted to be. He hasn't been completely honest along the way but I understand his reasons for being dishonest; because I'm dishonest in the same way.

Thing is, it's making me feel insecure about my place in the family. I've always been closer to my father than to my mother because I've always suffered her negativity. I haven't led my life in a way that she can relate to and I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. I understand how hard it must have been for my dad every time he came home with a new idea and every time she critisised him because that's how I felt. I can go some way to understanding how she feels but my roots will always be in trying to see the positive (though I know this blog probably won't support that, ha ha).

When I feel that the struggle is getting too much for me I call my dad and he soothes me... He speaks to me in lulled tones telling me that I've come so far and that if I keep going, keep learning one day the tide will turn. And I believe him.

Now, my mother compares me to my father. She thinks I've been hiding things; and she's probably right... I've been hiding things about my future plans with my father because I don't want to hurt her and upset her but I also stopped telling her things because I just didn't need the negative input, things are hard enough you know? I'm certain that my dad has been doing this for years and now I'm doing it too... She's drawing parallels between us and I suppose she's right to do so.

My dad and I are buying a house together because he needs a base in the UK and I need to get on the property ladder. I told my mother this and she insinuated that I want to take something (money) from her and from my brother and sister. I reassured my siblings that whatever interest my father had in the property would eventually go to them. I said to my mother that I didn't want this to have a negative impact on our relationship and the only words she could muster were 'no one knows what the future holds'.

Been away for a while...

2008-11-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

What have I been up to? Well, I met a boy on the internet and I went on a whole five dates. That's practically a relationship for me. I think he liked the idea of having a relationship with me... He kept saying his friends knew he was 'seeing someone' and that they'd been asking about how the 'relationship' was progressing. This is the point that I totally wigged out and went off him.

I spoke to several friends about what was going on and figured out a few things about myself that are preventing me from having a successful relationship. Mainly I think it comes down to unresolved issues from my childhood (well what doesn't?)

Growing up my mother and older sister always had a better relationship than me and my mother. My sister is a perfectionist and has always done everything to the best of her abilities. School work, piano lessons, house keeping. I on the other hand have always had a bit more of a laissez fair attitude to these things. This resulted in mum saying 'brilliant H well done' and 'C try harder'. As I child I interpreted this to mean that I wasn't good enough... The result is that I find it very difficult to cope with criticism as I have a subconscious belief that I'm not good enough.

I will say that this has some great side effects; I'm constantly striving to prove myself and I'm really ambitious. BUT; as soon as someone critisises me I go to pieces - trying to prove that I'm not what they say I am (even if I am and even if that's not such a bad thing really).

I can deal with being in a relationship with someone who isn't totally focussed on me (like someone who is coming out of a relationship with someone else and is therefore emotionally unavailable to me) but when a guy really likes me I find it incredibly difficult to deal with his expectations (though it's probably more my idea of what his expectations are than his real expectations - are you following? I'm not sure I am!). I think 'god soon he'll find out what I'm really like; that I'm a drunken loser' - that kind of thing. So I reject him before he can reject me.

I must say that coming to these realisations about myself had been cathartic; I now think that until I have raised my self-esteem I shouldn't be within 50 feet of a relationship and I'm happy with that.

Damn The Mail and all that it stands for

2008-10-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but all this Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross business has got me wondering whether there is nothing that those of us who are sane can do to prevent the BBC from losing three enormously talented people to Daily Mail readers. If we lodged 30,000 complaints could we get them reinstated?

A tragedy and an outrage. I just hope that the 'next man' is big enough to fill Lesley Douglas' shoes.

That is not to say that I think that what they did was right.

I'm feeling a bit fed up actually.

2008-10-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this feeling seems to have hit me today but it has and it's rubbish.

I had a bit of a cry on the phone to my dad earlier. I have a job interview tomorrow and although I really hate my job/my colleagues most of the time I'm starting to dread the idea of starting (yet another) new job and building (yet another) new pipeline.

I think the think that is really compounding it is the fact that I'll be doing it on my own again. Though the majority of the time I love my independence I've got to say; recently I have been struggling to fight off this feeling of loneliness.

I think this is largely to do with a lot of my friends having moved away. My dad has been in France for the most part of six months, and my sister has moved back to the UK so my relationship with my mother has deteriorated somewhat (since they get on a lot better and my mother doesn't need to struggle with me if she can get her female companionship fix from my sister).

I think having spent that weekend away in France recently really compounded just how used to doing everything myself I am. I couldn't help but be taken aback when A did the smallest things for me (like running my bath or taking out the rubbish) because I simply don't expect any help anymore. And when I came to that realisation - it made me feel really sad. And when I woke up back in the UK, alone again, and A's arm wasn't around me I felt so desperately lonely that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I also feel like it's a little bit tragic that I've met someone who seems so perfect but yet again, it's someone who is 'emotionally unavailable' and is not ready for a relationship.

I suppose I've just got to do what I've always done and get on with it. Get my head down and deal with the fact that there won't be anyone around to run me a bath when I get home from work, or to make me a cup of tea in the morning. But just for tonight I'm going to let myself feel a little bit sad about it.

My Cat

2008-10-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

My cat is on a diet at the moment as he doesn't do enough exercise. I can't totally blame him for this because I don't let him leave the four rooms that make up my flat. Though this is because he is too stupid to survive outside. But that is probably to do with his breeding. So; still not really his fault.

He was just padding on me and I lifted his paws up. When he pulled his paws from my clasped hands he landed his entire weight just below my (thoracic) diaphragm and nearly made me sick. The worst part is, he gave me a 'that'll teach you' look. Twat.

I really don't care!

2008-10-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

About your relationship status according to your Facebook profile so stop fucking changing it. It's really fucking annoying and I couldn't give a flying fuck whether you're married, divorced, single, gay, straight.... Fuck off!

It doesn't mean anything! Can't you see?! I've been married for the past 6 months and I've just got divorced according to Facebook. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!

2008-10-15T15:30:00.001-07:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.

* Be confident, strong, and direct.

* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

* Give me space to be alone.

* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant

* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

* being courageous, straightforward, and honest

* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

* never forgetting injuries or injustices

* putting too much pressure on myself

* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

* are sometimes loners

* seize control so they won't be controlled

* figure out others' weaknesses

* attack verbally or physically when provoked

* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

* are sometimes overprotective

* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

I keep forgetting to tell you the good news!

2008-10-09T13:58:00.001-07:00

I'm an auntie, look;

I hate you all you fuckers.

2008-10-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

Not you my friends. The twats at work.

Why is it that they can bleat and moan and whinge and whine about their 'bloated stomach's' their 'infected wisdom tooth' their 'discontinued phones' that their customers have and they all find it perfectly acceptable but if I let out so much as a sigh they're all going on about how I'm 'miserable'.

I know I moan (it's part of the reason that I started this blog) but I do like to think that I do it with a bit of wit and enthusiasm... I also think that a lot of the time I have good reason to fucking moan. Like when I've spent hours working on a deal only to find theres some shitty red-tape situation with the network that no one has ever warned me about that means I'm going to lose it and miss my target. Or when the manager decides (without warning, request or later praise) that I'm going to be responsible for creating a new corporate contract and gives me no support while I'm doing it. Admittedly sometimes I just moan because I'm a bit achy but so do those fuckers.

I had to cope with one of the ugly sisters doing a happy dance at the prospect of me being away for two days next week today. She got even more excited when I said that I might not come back. I'm not sure if she thinks it's funny or whether she knows it's not and still does it anyway. Whatever; she's still an insensitive cunt. I really cannot wait to leave.

All I have to do, is not have sex with him.

2008-10-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

I can't remember whether I said so on here or not but I decided a while back that I'm not going to have casual sex anymore. I'm going to wait to have sex with someone that I can foresee having a relationship with.

Well; I'm struggling. It's been nearly two months now (TWO WHOLE MONTHS) and though I have the best intentions I'm pretty sure that spending all my time in the gym 'working out my frustrations' is not doing me any good as I spend about 70 minutes discreetly ogling all the buff young men in there. Add to this the temptation of one of the 23 year olds who works there having a bit of a crush on me and you've got a recipe for my best laid (if you'll excuse the pun) plans being cast aside in favour of some strenuous tests of my new found stamina.

I've got to admit that it does seem a bit of a shame that my new body is yet to be fully appreciated in all it's glory (ha ha), my new energy is mostly unspent... I give it a month before I cave.

I was talking to one of my other friends who works at the gym, D, and we were discussing whether I should/shouldn't go out with this guy, T, if he asked. My argument was that I'd said that I was going to wait for someone I could see myself having a relationship with and I couldn't see that happening with T. He said that I couldn't say that unless I went on a date. I said T wasn't intelligent enough. He said that might not matter. I said 'but he wouldn't find it interesting when I talk about the current financial climate!' He said 'no one finds that interesting'. Good point. What do you think? Could I have toy boy himbo? Perhaps it'd be easier. Apart from sex though; what would he offer?

On the online dating front; I have managed to attract someone resembling a young Christopher Biggins who assumes that I find him really interesting, insults my career choice and invites himself round for dinner. Despite the fact that I've been studiously ignoring him he still tries to make contact offering useful advice about training. I have this covered by two other young men (see paragraph above).

I made contact with a couple of others but the exchanges have become a bit dull already. I'm also chatting to an old school friend of my brother's on Facebook who is quite cute but I think he might be gay.

I'm going away with Mr Bug Jam this weekend to France. We're just friends now but I have a feeling that once I've had a load of alcohol I'm going to find it very difficult to control myself... All I have to do, is not have sex with him.

What has happened to people?

2008-10-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

I went out with my cousin last night. I haven't seen her for ages as she hasn't been coming to the gym with me - she told me that she had been having stomach pains and that the doctor had advised her to stop exercising for a while.

Last night she confessed that that wasn't entirely true and that she had become pregnant by her (insanely possessive) boyfriend and had had a termination. She already has a two year old by another man and so having an abortion was very difficult for her (as I'm sure it is for most people).

Later on in the evening we went back to her flat before I got a taxi home and she was sick. I left her and her boyfriend to it at that point and came home. At 4.30 am I got a phone call from her screaming and crying saying the he had left her after calling her a 'slag' for going out and getting drunk... After a while she calmed down and I went back to sleep.

When I called her this morning I asked her how things were and she told me they weren't good. I responded by saying that I didn't see that she'd done anything wrong. She said 'I have, I went out and got drunk while I'm pregnant'. It turns out that since having her abortion she has had unprotected sex again and that she has done a pregnancy test that has come back positive. The doctor said that it might be remnants from the last pregnancy but she is fairly sure that she is.

Further to that I saw a friend of K's out last night who told me that her boyfriend now beats her as regularly as once a week and in front of her child. This I find utterly despicable. I'm sorry but I don't feel any pity for K; I just feel angry that she can put her feelings in front of the wellbeing of her child. Way to fuck a kid up!

Now I have to ask the question; where the hell has people's sense of responsibility gone?

But I might be cynical,

2008-09-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying with the internet dating thing but it's making me feel three things;

1) Shallow
2) Desperate
3) Irritated

Not good traits.

The first is because when a guy messages me and it's not a fantastically interesting or funny message then I look at his profile picture and if he's not attractive I instantly dismiss any chance of any kind of romance developing.

The second because I keep thinking that even when I trawl the massive internet I can't find anyone suitable to go for a drink with, let alone start a family with. Is there anyone out there? It might never happen for me... I might have to artificially inseminate myself!!

The third? New best friends. I hate the people who assume that if you've chatted to them once you want to speak to them every time you go online. Also saying things like 'I escaped a sales career; thank god' is a bit annoying as is 'you should change your sales territory so you can visit me'. Why can't I just ignore these people? The same reason I can't ignore someone who's talking to me in a bar; I'm too damn polite.

Oh and by the way boys; quoting The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy in your profile is not cool.

I am not mad, or hypersensitive or neurotic!

2008-09-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have had the great pleasure of spending time with two of my closest friends this afternoon and after plucking up the courage to talk to them about the issues that I have been experiencing at work (i.e. the underhand bitchy comments that many of my colleagues - even the ones who profess to be my friends - make) I can confirm that far from rolling their eyes and telling me that I'm being hypersensitive they comforted me and sympathised - which was wonderful.

It's been so long since I've had people who truly understand me around and it was so refreshing to be able to express my emotions without my confidant rolling their eyes or groaning that I'm always 'whining'. Though I realise that my colleagues are probably uncomfortable around me because I rock their little world by expecting more than they do, or by striving a little harder; being a bit more demanding; mixing things up a bit; that doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm a total outsider when I have to spend eight hours a day with them.

They must think that I'm just whining and doing nothing about my situation; truth is I have a job interview on Friday and I'm praying I get it as it sounds a lot like the people will be a bit more accommodating of someone with a little ambition.

Wish me luck chaps!

Fucking bollocks.

2008-09-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ohhhhh.... I tried it again; I tried internet dating.

So first I went on DatingDirect.com and for some reason as I was filling out my details I had a feeling of deja vu... Particularly when it said 'email address already in use'. Against my better judgment I ignored my misgivings and carried on with the process. Now I'm not being tight; I'm just a bit skint at the moment, but I didn't actually want to pay for my next date really. I also didn't want to have to pay to got through the pain and disappointment of meeting a load of retards on t'internet again.

So; I spent the best part of 45 minutes sorting out my profile, deciding whether I wanted a black, religious man with green eyes and no kids or a white, bilingual man who lived with his parents... Fantastic; boring bit out of the way... lets go shopping! So, after the first five pages I actually found someone I thought I wanted to know more about so I click to email and... They wanted £60 off me for six month's subscription. Robbing bastards. There's no way that I could take six months of internet dating. I'd go out of my mind. Normal dating is bad enough; I already despair at the lack of suitable men in the world; this serves only to compound that despair by broadening my horizon (do you get the impression that I may be entering into this with the wrong attitude?) I may consider paying for one month when I get paid but that has the escalated cost of £22.40...

After having the carrot dangled in front of my donkey face and then whisked away by my inability to weather the credit crunch I tried going on a free dating site. I must admit that the site appeared a little tacky but I thought; what the hell - it's only costing me time! I filled out the necessary details again, posted my photo and left my account to be approved. Returning from work the following day I opened Outlook to find 21 new messages from freedating.com.... A couple to let me know that my profile/photo had been approved - the rest notifications of messages that I had received. Good start!

So I go to the site, click on the first message; 'hi, how are you?' Boring. Next. 'Hi, how you doing?' Oh no. 'Hi, how r u?' Can't even be bothered to write properly.... Argh! And on it went - all of them the same lazy, uninspired question. The thought of staying on there and sifting through this every day just made me feel so irritated that I simply deleted my account. Perhaps the love of my life had sent me one of those messages but I just can't envision me saying to my grandchildren 'your grandfather just bowled me over when he sent me a message on the internet saying 'hi, how r u?' Nope.

I passed an advert whilst driving to an appointment today for sugardaddy.com. My goodness! What would that be like I wonder? Would the conversation be more interesting? How would it work? Would you get them to pay your subscription? Or would that be too much too early? Do you think Rod Stewart is on it? I daren't check it out... I can just imagine all these aspiring Michael Douglas's getting all excited about the prospect of meeting some Sugar Babies. Eeew.

I'm sober...

2008-09-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yuck.

The great relationship issue (again)

2008-09-12T15:39:00.001-07:00

I have a question; is it a good or bad thing that I can turn my emotions on and off on a whim?

I met a bloke that I thought I really liked but as it became apparent that he wasn't ready for a relationship (yeah that old chestnut again - I do pick 'em) I decided that the two of us should just be friends and to my amazement I am actually cool with it. We're going away for the weekend in a few weeks and I'm actually looking forward to it more now that it has no romantic undertone.

Maybe it's just because I've been down this path too many times before but part of me is wondering whether I will ever feel that all-consuming emotional attachment to someone again. Have I grown too old and too jaded to feel that 'if I can't have this person I will die' feeling ever again? Or did I just fool myself into thinking that I liked this person more than I really did? Did I do that thing where I was hoping so much that I had found someone to have a relationship with that I overlooked all of the things that were 'wrong' with them until the point where it was obvious that it wouldn't work - and therefore I had nothing to lose by admitting that these faults were there?

I can't now deny that I want to have a meaningful relationship. It's obvious that after two years of being single that I can survive on my own. I have just proved to myself that if things don't work out; well - I'm OK with it (albeit that this time the emotional investment was short term and minimal). I have also got to a point where I can easily say 'no' to people who ask me out on a date if it is glaringly obvious that they're not right for me (I can now ignore that imbecilic voice that says 'you never know' - I do know - he's not for me). Still - I do want to meet someone. It's been ages since I had any level of intimacy with a person (not physically of course; emotionally).

I'm not afraid to admit now that I want that intimacy where I can ask my boyfriend to have my make up in his pocket, where we're insured on each other's cars and maybe we even share a house.... I know people always say that you find someone when you stop looking but I really don't think that's the case. I think you're less likely to find someone if you are sat in a bar looking like you're looking, for sure. I'd like to find someone with a similar level of drive and passion as myself... That - at least for now - seems to be a problem.

My darling colleagues...

2008-09-07T14:26:00.001-07:00

...the day I aspire to mediocrity I will come to you for some expert tuition; until then please keep your advice to yourselves.

Also...

2008-08-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

It appears to be OK for a man to want a girlfriend but not for a woman to want a boyfriend for some reason.

Though on the double-standards front; I have to confess that I don't really think it's OK for a single man to have a cat or for any man to do yoga. What's all that about?

Me and my prejudices!

Hello My Dears!

2008-08-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

I do hope the two of you haven't missed me too much...

I must confess that I have been being unfaithful to you - I've been writing a journal. The reason for my infidelity is sheer laziness I'm afraid - I can't be bothered to explain things anymore and worse still lack the enthusiasm for structure. I have taken to writing lots of random things down in no particular order and in this way hope to come up with some tit bits of genius (OK, genius may be pushing it, but at least something of some value). I seem to do this whilst thinking but never actually end up writing it down as I always forget it whilst I wonder about where that damn possessive apostrophe should go.

Still - other things have happened. I have decided that I need to start my own business because the world is full of cunts and I don't wish to be employed by one anymore. I'm sure that employing said cunts will be just as bad but at least (given that I have issued the correct amount of verbal warnings, written warnings and final warnings) I can sack the cunts!

I'm fed up of stupid men and even more stupid women - one of whom implied today whilst we were having lunch that my manager's obsession with me was purely my own doing as she had never had the problem with her managers. I didn't point out that fucking her, I would think, would be rather similar to fucking a corpse; because I'm too goddamn nice to say that kind of thing.

Another of my wonderful colleagues turned to me (after a particularly self deprecating witty quip from myself about my relationship status) and said 'no wonder you keep getting dumped'. Erm... yeah thanks for that - nothing like boosting someone's confidence is there?

Fuck the cunts! I have bought myself a copy of 'Good Small Business Guide: How to Start and Grow Your Own Business' and am eagerly awaiting its arrival. I just need to sort out my personal debt (achievable within 18 months), write a business plan, do the necessary research and grow balls of steel and I'll be set.

I will have a yacht by the time I'm forty!

I have discovered the gym and it's like heaven!

2008-07-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe that I thought that I'd hate the gym; I love it! How cool is getting a machine to tell you how well you're doing, how many calories you've burned and how many minutes/seconds you have go to go until you've reached your goals. Then, you get to go for a swim, steam and jacuzzi to relax your muscles. Amazing! I could do without the retards who think that you'd really like to be hit on whilst red-faced, sweating and out of breath but I suppose you have to take the rough with the smooth.

We've had a death in the family - Splinter had to be put down last week. He apparently had mange (which the first vet I saw after he'd had a stroke) failed to tell me... He was so itchy that he CHEWED HALF OF HIS TAIL OFF!! It was incredibly distressing for me; he didn't seem that bothered. I decided that as he'd had at least one, possibly two strokes and was a geriatric and there is no cure for mange it was time to 'do the right thing'. Very sad.

I have completely severed contact with K... I think it's probably for the best. We'd grown in such different directions that it was becoming harder and harder for me to withhold my opinions on her life choices. Things are a lot easier if you hang around with people who have a similar set of morals and a similar outlook on life.

I also met a boy last weekend at Bug Jam. He's rather lovely and lives about an hour and a half away (on my sales territory no less). He has a job and a driving license but would you believe it? He doesn't have a wife! Unfortunately he has just come out of a five year relationship and is saying that he wants to be single... I'm not really trying to be his girlfriend at the moment but we do get on so well that I think it would be a shame to lose the connection. He's coming to see me next weekend and I am a teeny bit excited. Whoop whoop!

Arrrghhh!

2008-07-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I've told you about this before but one of my friends, K, has been in a violent relationship for the last few months.

She and I knew that the man that she was seeing had been violent towards other girlfriends in the past but I think we were both hoping (because he was so charming) that he would be different with her.

He wasn't, and the first time he hit her she gave me all the spiel about how she wouldn't go back... I went round at 2 am and picked up the broken glass, cleaned the food that he'd strewn across the kitchen up and stayed with her in the hope of making her feel safe. I went to work the next day absolutely knackered and then went round to see her later as she tried to get someone to fix her broken window and talked endlessly about how she 'could never take him back'.

After listening to all this - and many more nights of the same - I was completely disheartened and felt like a complete knob when the next time she saw him he picked her up, span her round and kissed her - while all her 'friends' said 'ahh, how sweet' - and she smiled and giggled.

When she told me that they were back together I couldn't pretend it was OK. I told her that I wasn't going to support her. I wasn't going to hang out with the two of them and pretend everything was OK because it's not - it's not OK for him to hit her and it's not OK to take him back. It's destructive and selfish behavior on both of their part's.

When I said that she didn't have my support I didn't mean that if she'd have called and needed me I would've turned my back on her. I meant that I wouldn't gloss over what had happened and be his friend.

She went on holiday to Marbella and while she was away he called me and left a voice mail saying he wanted to 'explain'. I asked her whether they were together at that time (because they were always off and on) and she said that they wer and that maybe I should hear him out. As if he could give me a valid reason for hitting my friend.

He threw her the next time. She ended up on crutches and although we'd drifted and I knew she was hurt by my stance I called her to ask how she was. She said she was busy and she'd called back and then didn't.

I called her tonight; I admit it was mainly because she has my spare key (I knew she didn't want to talk as she hadn't called back as she said she would) - I left a voice mail to say so and also asked how she was. She sent me a text to say that she hadn't answered because she didn't know (or rather hadn't saved) my number and that she'd drop the key round tomorrow as she wasn't well. I texted back saying thanks and that I hoped she'd be alright and her response was 'if we was really friends you'd know how I was' (sic).

This really pissed me off. In my opinion a friend is not someone who pretends that you're right when you're wrong. I constantly seek the moral guidance of my friends. I do not expect them to condone my bad behavior. If they think what I'm doing is wrong I want to hear it. She had a swipe at me about 'sleeping with everyone else's men' - seeming to forget that when her and Mr Violent got together he was with someone else... Some of the guys I've been involved with have been at that 'split up but not completely out of it' stage - granted. Not ideal but haven't we all been there? And aren't we more likely to be as we get older? If she had a problem with it why didn't she say at the time rather than bringing it up later?

I told her that I can't pick up the pieces after her bad choices like her mother always has. And that she drags me down. It's a horrible thing to say but she does. It's draining to be around someone who is constantly sabotaging their life. Someone who tears themselves down every time you've tried to pick them up...

Oh.... Fuck it.

I've broken something...

2008-07-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in so much pain! I can hardly breathe... I think I must have overdone it at kickboxing last night - may have been the 14 lb gloves and the sheer aggression with which I attacked the pads but I've pulled something in my back. I was alright until I did the hoovering but since then it's steadily seized up more and more... God knows how I'm going to get dressed tomorrow.

I still went for my run though, and I'm on day 2 of the Special K diet. Don't seem to have lost any weight yet which is a little disappointing (I am the least patient person I know) but I'm going to stick at it. Ran a mile (well ran a bit and walked a bit but mostly ran) even with my new injury so feel very proud. Not sure about the shade of red that my face has gone but I suppose this is what they refer to as a 'healthy glow' (hopefully no one will say 'ruddy').

I'm most impressed with Tesco at the moment - managed to get a skipping rope (which due to my pulled muscle I may not be able to use for a few years) for £3 and some trainers to run in for £5. That's what we like! Running in fashion trainers wasn't doing my knees any favours. Ended up in the queue behind The Engineer's best friend though. He didn't know who I was since I was a secret but isn't it always the way when you're trying to forget someone things keep popping up to remind you of them?

I wouldn't mind Paulo Nutini coming to kiss my back better...

Death Of The Engineer

2008-07-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

Though I've discovered that when I describe the events surrounding my the end of my involvement (though it was a 'relationship' of sorts that would make it sound a little too intense) with The Engineer, most people seem to take great pleasure in saying 'well what did you expect' (which makes me want to gouge their eyes out with a fork - not this obviously) I'm going to let you know how I feel about the whole thing anyway.

The Engineer and I have know each other for around 20 years (I think I've told you that before). Though we haven't really been 'dating' as such we have embarked on a daily-text and fortnightly-sex style fling for the last seven months. Twice I have tried to end our involvement, both times for the same reason - that I didn't think he was particularly good at 'casual relationships' and that I felt that was screwing with my emotions - that I couldn't get a handle on where I stood. Both times he ignored what I'd said and carried on, pretty much, as if I hadn't said it. Yes, I should have been stronger and told him to bugger off but he has a way of charming me. Irritating though he is.

I had also spelled out to him on several occasions that in no possible way would I want to be, or to feel like, his mistress. Several times I have pointed out actions that he had taken that made me feel less significant than his ex-to-be (or is she?) wife. Several times he had apologised for this behaviour (though now I'm thinking that it might have been the 'anything for a quite life' husband side of him 'apologising').

The other night we were Facebook chatting and he asked me to go to the cinema... OK so not a great-big-deal but prior to this he had shown reluctance to be seen out with me (or that's the impression I got) so I was thinking that perhaps this was a sign that he was moving on a step further from his married life. So, I agreed to go and we had a bit of a laugh about it being our first date etc etc. Then the conversation moved on to how long it'd been since we'd seen each other and then 'how have you been?'...

Simple enough question, but this was his reply;

'Not great, I miss my son, can't sell my house and I've been spending time with my wife again. I'm really confused... Sorry, but you did ask...'

I don't know in what world he thought that I'd be OK with this piece of information but I'm not. The reasons (I have managed to pin them down into something that sounds rational over the last few days) are as follows;

He has ignored what I previously said to the point that I feel he sees my emotions as insignificant.
I respected him a damn sight more than I have any other man for many years because I believed him to have strong morals that matched my own and now I feel (once again) completely let down.
He's made me look and idiot for believing that he wouldn't go back to her - for thinking 'how could he go back when he said he didn't love her or enjoy her company anymore?'

Why he thought that it was OK to casually drop this information into the conversation I'll never know. Did he think that I'd just carry on sleeping with him until he turned to me and said - 'right I'm off home now - it's been fun!'

In these situations I find it intensely irritating when a bloke apologises. I just find it patronising and it really doesn't help repair any damage.

I've 'removed' (I love that word - its so cold) him from my Facebook friends; I don't want to know what he's up to day by day on his status and I definitely couldn't stomach him putting his relationship status back to 'married' and I've also deleted his number. I thought about messaging him to explain what he did wrong but like my friend at work said 'if he doesn't know it's not worth explaining it to him'.

It's a bastard though because I do miss the texts and stuff - just the attention really and that makes it feel like the end of a proper relationship. One good thing about it though - at least I'm not completely hardened. I like to keep a little bit of the soft stuff about me - even if I am a warrior princess.

I've embarked on a new diet/exercise plan which is making me feel buzzy. I kicked the crap out of some pads at kickboxing tonight and then spent the rest of the evening beautifying myself.

I'm gonna steer clear of those yucky boys for a bit.

Attack of the Cryptosporidium

2008-06-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

We have a bug in the water around here at the moment and are not allowed to drink straight from the tap but must boil water first. My cat seems to think that this is part of some new torture regime involving me denying him access to cold, freshly-run tap water complete with chlorine. He's therefore trying to guilt trip me into turning the tap on.

I will not break!

Virgin Pie

2008-06-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

Yay for Virgin Pie Parties! What a fantastic idea. I know what Mr. Grim was thinking (or thereabouts) but how about everyone who's never cooked a pie before cooks one and brings them to a party with all their friends so that they can all test each other's pie making skills... Amazing.

My cat has a hairball and is sitting on the coffee table coughing. I know he's going to yak all over my carpet soon.... What can you do though? Short of tape a bag round his head. No - I've already killed one pet (Token II) this month - not going to kill another. Although Splinter isn't looking very well at the moment. He seems to be panting quite a lot and he is a geriatric really. Poor old boy.

I put some oil in my car today. It's very easy - so easy in fact that I can't believe I didn't do it before - could've saved myself £1700 and a lot of hassle. Still I suppose it's another lesson learned. I won't blow my engine up again. At least not from not putting oil in it.

I've got the day off on Thursday to go shopping - woo hoo! Work do on Friday too which should be a right laugh. I've got a great self defense move to do on our leery colleague if he decides to get gropey which I'm really looking forward to. It's called the body shock and I'll let you know how it goes.

New Fish

2008-06-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

This is my new fish; his name is Kiss. I had to buy him because I dropped a rock on Token II and killed him. Whoops! I'm going to try very hard not to kill Kiss as he looks like he's wearing lipstick and that's just too cool.

I had a Virgin Vie party on Friday night which was really good because it meant inviting a load of laydees to my flat. I really like entertaining and I now want to do more of it.

I invited my neighbour from upstairs, she's a GP and is very funny and drinks as much as me (which is comforting). I also invited a few of my of my colleagues. One of them called me and asked me if I lived in the (slightly down market) flats next to mine and when I said 'do you really think I'd live there?' she replied 'well you're only renting aren't you? A flats a flat isn't it?' I suppose I deserved it for being snobby in the first place but it did make me think that perhaps she's a bit of a bitch. Oh well.

Other than that I've just been 'pottering' really; one of my favorite pastimes but also completely necessary as I'm skint!

I have been entertaining myself by writing a shopping list of things that I'm going to buy when I get paid on Thursday. I might even take the afternoon off so that I can spend all of my money without delay.

I have changed my status to 'married' on Facebook but am slightly disappointed that only one of my friends asked me what the wedding was like. I also got a little bit irritated with The Engineer for being so bloody pleased with himself for having reproduced. I mean I know that people are proud of their offspring and like to spout on about them but does that mean that they become totally oblivious to how boring it makes them sound?

I suppose that really my irritation is down to me being ever-so-slightly jealous - completely irrational as I don't want t kid at the moment, I want a job with O2 (that pays better and means that I'd be able to drive a Porsche - couldn't get a child seat in a Cayman).

Funny things - emotions.

OH MY GOD!

2008-06-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for ages because I'm really bloody happy at the moment and therefore find it difficult to write... No one wants to hear happy; do they?

However, I'm well annoyed tonight. I've just been out with my beautiful cousin and she informed me that she's going to ask her insecure, part time drug dealer, ignorant yet opinionated boyfriend of four months to move in with her and her two year old son.

The last time I went out with my cousin I had the pleasure of experiencing said boyfriend lecturing me on how I should not be seeing two men at the same time and that I shouldn't expect him to set me up with his (emotionally and intellectually retarded) friends as they like 'nice girls' (i.e. girls who wear chastity belts if they're not in an exclusive relationship.

After I had expressed my concerns regarding her plans she invited the two bit drug dealer who demonstrates that money can't buy style to join us and when I informed them that I was leaving (about five minutes) after he arrived he had the cheek to protest that I was leaving on account of him arriving.

Further to this my other friend, who's boyfriend hit her a few weeks ago, has asked me to meet up with said wife beater and 'listen to what he has to say'. What's he got to say I wonder? Is he going to give me a valid reason for hitting her? I'm sure he could but that really isn't the point is it? I know a woman has a responsibility not to push a man to far but I still can't respect a man who raises his hand to a woman.

And now I'm the bad girl. Apparently I'm the one who is not supporting her friend and is therefore a bad friend.

I don't fucking care! At some point, someone has to stand up and say 'that's not right' and if you all think I'm an arsehole for doing it then SO BE IT.

For F*ck's Sake

2008-04-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure why not having a relationship seems to be taking up so much of my time and energy at the moment.

I'm happy. I have ambition - a goal. Something to work towards for me. Targets to hit (personal targets not targets set by my company). I'm working towards my freedom, my independence. This is the most fulfilled that I have ever felt because I'm laying the foundations of my life and I'm laying them in stone. I know that, unlike my mother, I will never need to be with someone - if I'm with them it will be because I want to be.

A man in my life at the moment (a full time one) would distract me from this. I've heard all that bollocks that people spout about it not being the case if you meet the right one... I don't believe it. In some way, to be with someone I would have to make some kind of compromise; have to change my dream in some way. I've done this in the past and it has always ended up with me compromising and ending up totally distracted from what I wanted and in a real pickle. Maybe one day there'll be someone that I'll be happy to be distracted by... Not today though.

If I'm going to get distracted again I want it to be by someone with whom I share a common goal, or someone who is happy to encourage me in achieving mine rather than tearing me down for wanting it. I want someone who equals my ambition, who has the same high standards as I do, who knows what the best bits of life are and how to appreciate them (that's about love not money).

Most of all I'd like to be with someone who considers my feelings as much as I consider theirs. Now then we'd have found treasure.

Until I find all that stuff I'm happy on my own.... So all you silly boys - stop trying to distract me!

What you doing Midge?

2008-03-28T17:04:00.001-07:00

La la la...
What?
Oh... Whatever.

I've only been and gawn and bleedin' done it!

2008-03-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

I did it. I hit my target - all the strife and effort and hard work and sleepless nights and preparation and effort have really, finally come into fruition. If you don't know; or if I didn't tell you (I can't remember); or indeed if you can't remember; hitting my target for this quarter was worth a £2k bonus.

Having lived with an income £200 below my expenditure (and not an extravagant expenditure - just essentials and prior commitments) for the last six months this target/bonus has been massively important.

I've got to say though - achieving it has been such a massive anti-climax and - as is my nature - I lost sleep last night thinking. This time though it was thinking about which debt I would pay with the bonus. Ha ha - got to worry about something!

The thing is, I've been struggling for so long to achieve such mammoth targets that now that I've restructured my life to make my targets more 'bite size' and easier to achieve I think I might miss the pressure.

But not much.

Pretty Flowers

2008-03-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

So hard to write!

For so long I've written about being miserable; complained and bitched and so on... Now I'm happy I'm struggling to find my voice!

Midgey is having words at the moment and I could bitch about that but really - he's so lovely that I think i might even struggle with that.

I've been at my friend K's house tonight and she's it the first stages of falling in love - I told her and her new man something that my last boyfriend told to me in the hope that they don't wreck what they have in their pursuit of the ideal.

I told them that they had a flower in their hand, and if they looked down they would see they were standing in a little patch of flowers.... That if they let those flowers grow that maybe in some time they might be standing in a whole field of flowers and in time those flowers would stretch as far as the eye could see...

Me and my last boyfriend made an awful mess of things. I really hope K and her man don't.

What's all that about then?

2008-03-07T15:40:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to work out why my cat like to be up to his elbows in water when he has a drink... Any ideas my lovelies?

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!

2008-03-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

I've just looked at my phone and it appears that the message that I quoted earlier has not actually delivered... I've changed my phone settings so that the minimum 'validity period' for SMSs is enabled but would appreciate anyone's feedback on whether the message's validity period is set when you send the message or whether it can be influenced after you've sent it. I know I'm the one who works in the telecommunications industry but hey - is that the point?!

Everyone is having babies by the way... Oh yeah!! I'm going to be an aunty... I'm really chuffed... a little pinky baby to play with! My friend just had one too... 10.5 lbs... My goodness! Born on the 29th February too.. A special little person.

Celebrations!!

2008-03-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Today I secured an £8k p/a pay rise on my basic pay - this means that much of my hard work and effort over the last six months; my struggle in the face of adversity; my consistent effort, commitment to quality and down right hard work have paid off. I am smiling - oh yes!

However, as is my nature, I'd like to have a little moan about myself. I'm an idiot it seems. Despite the fact that I have a perfectly good relationship with The Engineer (a relationship which I believe, is - in actual fact - perfect for me,due to the lack of consideration I have to pay him when making life decisions, the small amount of time that he's around and further to that the fact that I only have to put up with him strolling in and changing the TV channel about once a week) I have recently become concerned that he is not sure of our boundaries. We had a discussion a few months ago and agreed that he has little to offer me in the way of commitment and thenceforth my understanding was that we were embarking on a purely physical relationship. Since then, however, he has seen fit to ask me to offer emotional support to him. I don't want to sound heartless for not wanting to get involved in his emotional stuff but I can't - because I'm human - see the relationship as purely physical when he is talking to me about his emotions.
I'm not entirely sure how to respond. I think that this situation has come about because he is not used to having purely physical relationships and not because he wants to be emotionally involved with me but equally I'd prefer it to be clear whether this is one thing or another.

In my infinite (alcohol induced) wisdom (and because I thought that he was jibbing my texts) I sent him a message saying - and I quote - 'Hey I love it when you pretend I don't exist or that you've lost or misplaced your phone or ignore me or whatever... I still don't know what you want from me but if it's just sex you've got to stop talking about your family stuff! xx'...

Poor bastard responded by saying that he'd been to the football (the actual ground) and that he'd text when he got home (though I don't think he'd read my text at this point) and then I felt a total tit. For thinking he was ignorig me mainly but also for being a total woman... For not being able to talk to him about stuff a bit too though... For not wanting to knock it on the head if need be even though I know that I'll be totally OK on my own ... A little bit of 'want more than you need' maybe?

Do I need him? Nah... But he makes me laugh and he's caring and funny... Is that a little bit of want?

Did you miss me?

2008-03-05T16:20:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure that coming off the drugs was such a great idea. I'm down to one tablet every three days now and although this is part of the whole 'personal development plan' I'm now getting my old feelings back and the one that I remember being most keen to get rid of is fury.

This fury is mainly directed towards men; that'd be any man who tries to objectify me or stand in my way, who succeeds despite having put half the amount of effort in than I did, who earns 25% more than me because there's no chance he'll ever have to go on maternity leave, who can leave the pub when he wants because it's 75% safer for him to walk home alone, who doesn't have to put up with being told he's 'having a blonde moment', who can have a cat without being told it's a baby substitute, who can't - no matter how hard his female friend insists, repeats and explains - get it into his head that we'll never be more than just friends, who continually lets his emotions get in the way of a professional relationship and then criticises women for doing just that, for always thinking with their cock and believing that this absolves them from any moral responsibility, for never growing up and seeming to get away with it, for leering, for being physically stronger and therefore always slightly intimidating no matter how stupid, for lying and cheating, and for being able to lie and cheat but for some reason not being degraded or named for doing that, for still having an antiquarian attitude towards no strings sex when it's a woman having it, for bullshitting and for calling me 'love', 'babe', 'sweetheart' or 'darlin'' when he doesn't know me.

Does this work?

2008-02-21T08:09:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to post from my BlackBerry so I hope this works.

Hmm... What have I been up to? Well I won a bottle of champagne at work so I drank that last night and as a result I have a bloody awful hangover. It was nice though. Reminded me of the good old days. I went out for dinner with my boss last night and he insisted on having a stupid soppy look on his face. I told him to sort himself out and that if he didn't stop it we could no longer have contact outside of work. I wish he didn't fancy me.

Last one tonight I promise!

2008-02-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

Married men; they're alright for a while and then they get all sentimental... (about their wives, not me) All I really want is a man who's not totally self absorbed.

However; recently I've realised that the only reason married men don't appear self absorbed is that they're emotionally absorbed elsewhere (i.e. with their wives/children/pets). They're probably still making the wife think about what's best for him.

If I have to have a bloke then I want one who gives me empathy, encouragement and reassurance. I give these without even having to think about it... Are there men who do that? These days I've just been settling for those who don't try to inhibit my way of life... Human relations present so many complex emotions! Though I suppose if it were less emotional it would be less interesting.

Remember this - I'm writing it here so I do.

2008-02-07T15:06:00.000-08:00

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

Richard David Bach

Porn and Fraud

2008-02-07T14:06:00.001-08:00

Had a new experience today; I think I'll call it 'porn prejudice'.

I've only just realised that some dodgy internet company has been taking money out of my account regularly. I called my bank as I'm certain that I haven't agreed to any kind of subscription charges (I haven't been doing much surfing in recent months) and asked them to stop the company from taking money from my account. I was informed at this point that the company was an 'adult website' and that I may have agreed to subscription charges. They gave me a number to call to clarify what was happening.

I called the number - it wasn't in service so I called my bank back and asked them to stop the payment. The woman on the end of the phone asked me (in a snotty tone) whether I knew what kind of site this was relating to. Er, yeah - I was told that the first time round... Just because I visit 'adult' sites does that mean that those sites have carte blanche to rip me off?! Yeah, alright bank lady. Any chance I could borrow your twin set?

Sick and tired.

2008-02-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

Keeping a positive attitude up when you're not predisposed towards it is very difficult.

Whilst I must confess that much of what I set out to achieve throughout January I have accomplished; I still have some major issues that it seems the society in which I live is unwilling to lend a hand with. I'm speaking mainly of my debts - the majority of which I acquired educating myself. I'm reading a self help book at the moment that says that the statement 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer' is a fallacy but at the moment I'm not sure that I agree. I've been trying to survive on my basic wage (about £18k) for the last 6 months and it's practically impossible when you're accustomed to earning - and have budgeted for earning - more than double that. The more money I try to borrow to cover my outgoings, the more I fall behind, the more I can't afford to fix the problem. What are you supposed to do when your incomings fall £300 short of your outgoings? I can't stomach the idea of changing my lifestyle drastically (i.e. moving out of my flat into something more 'affordable') as I know that long term I can afford to live this way - my financial problems are a short term issue. The bank, however, are not so convinced (though they are thieving scum who think that £35 is a reasonable sum to charge for sending a letter).

My manager compared me today to a little duck - everything looks OK on the surface but under the water my legs are going like fuck to keep me swimming against the current. How true!

I'm sure that somewhere along this line a mysterious benefactor is supposed to step in.

There are worse things that could be happening though. I'm healthy and so is my family. No matter how skint I get they can't take away my education. My cat loves me and I've got all my limbs... I might be getting the hang of this positive thinking!

Cat? Check. Job? Check. Car? Oh for fuck's sake.

2008-01-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that no sooner than you have one part of your life sorted out, another part falls to bits on you?

Due to recent experience I'd have to put this down to the fact that if you concentrate on one aspect of your life too hard you end up neglecting other parts - simple parts. Things like topping up your oil. You think 'that'll wait for a bit' and then the fucking engine blows up. Bastard.

Got to get a new engine now. Just think; could've spent a fiver and five minutes... Instead? Don't know how much time or money this is going to take to fix.
Got a new cat though! He's massive and looks like Mac really but about seven times the size. His name is 'Midge' and he is 6 years old and only cost me £20 to re home! Very noble and very thrifty I'm sure you'll agree. Means I can buy me a diamond with my bonus (neither noble or thrifty). Can't wait - got to prove to myself how much I love me!

I have also finally told my editor that I can't do the article on that musician that I mentioned. A wise man once told me that 'you can't push a piece of string'. I'm not pushing anymore. He couldn't even be bothered to answer my phone call to do a telephone interview - how rude is that?

Still on this stupid diet. I'm losing about 1lb per day but I miss chocolate so much. I realised earlier today that the only thing that I haven't banned myself from doing is cocaine but I haven't even been doing that! K said that someone asked after me when she was out the other night and she said 'The Princess has stopped smoking, drinking, eating and is never going out again'. Small sacrifices for my bigger dream I think.

I had to give my boss a bollocking for poking his nose where it wasn't wanted yesterday. I grant that I have a close relationship with him and have asked for his assistance with my personal finances in the past, but there has to be a line... He started asking pertinent questions about The Engineer and whether he has informed his wife about our 'relationship' (recently this has been a 'text only' relationship hence the inverted commas). This is not something that I desire but he was implying that The Engineer is of poor character due to this 'deception' which really pissed me off. More so I think because my boss is not speaking from an unbiased viewpoint (he told me again that he wished we were lovers at the weekend - which he got another huge bollocking for). What is it with men? Ask for a bit of help and they think they can take control of you!

To be honest, at the moment I'm not sure I could be bothered with a full time relationship. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want from my life and one of those things is to be debt free by December (before you start chiming in saying 'buying a diamond isn't the best way' don't worry - I've budgeted for it. It'll be second hand and there must be treats if I am to succeed) and as such I need to really concentrate on my career. In my experience, falling in love does not make me more productive, it makes me less so. Men also generally need too much attention (at least the ones that I've previously picked do) and also, factoring someone else in at the moment just seems like hard work! Further to that; I seem to remember that when you're in a relationship you have to think about someone else when you make decisions. Don't think I want to do that.

Day off.

2008-01-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

I have taken the day off today. My plan was to got to the bank and then to do that interview with that musician. I went to the bank and it transpired that their systems had crashed so I have to go back on Monday now anyway. It's just occurred to me that that's the kind of thing that used to send me into a fit but today it hasn't. A marked improvement I think.

With regards to the musician - he 'broke down' last night and had to stay in London so I still haven't done the interview. I think I might just write it anyway. It'll read;

S***** W*****
Total cunt.

What do you think? Don't know if my editor will go for it.

I also had my car washed (always makes me feel happy) and then paid my £194.95 vet bill. I think that would've been less painful had he lived - though of course I can't be sure.

I'm also back on the Atkin's Plan. Before anyone tells me off I'd like to point out that the last time I went on it I was a bit mental and at the moment I'm definitely not mental. Nope.

It's only for a couple of weeks anyway. I have no patience for dieting and all I want is for all my work clothes to fit properly again. I can't afford to buy new ones at the moment. Anyway - at least it stops me from drinking.

I dislike musicians and love everything else.

2008-01-22T13:12:00.001-08:00

Musicians! They're so annoying! I'm supposed to be writing an article about a certain DJ/artist and had arranged the interview for last night. I obviously didn't make any other plans and called said artist in the early evening only to get no answer; no return call and no apology since. I don't know what's happened (and I'm aware that if it turns out he's been hit by a bus I'll feel really bad) but HOW ANNOYING?! Like I have nothing better to do with my time than wait around for a bloke who spends most of his time stoned or with his head stuck up his arse.

Other news; got some flowers delivered to me at work today. No matter how hard I try I can't help but get stupidly girly about this type of thing. Don't worry though - I didn't send them to myself.

This photo is to prove to you that I've always been a bit mental about cats and to show you that if I don't get a new one I might end up nicking a baby. You wouldn't want that now would you?

The cat poking her pretty little face out of the pram was called 'Pippy' and I used to feed her milk from a doll's bottle that I had. She enjoyed it almost as much as I did I'm sure.

I don't think I could ever have enough things to love. Humans, rats, cats, fish... Whatever. The more there is the more it grows.

Ha ha!

2008-01-21T14:47:00.000-08:00

Nothing much to report I'm pleased to say. I have just bought a load of cheesy music that I can sing along to when out on appointments or bored stiff at book fairs or, indeed, out for a run! Newbie; you would be proud of my selection I'm sure. Further to this my boss told me today that there is a strong chance that I may win the opportunity to meet the Spice Girls (so strong it is as he's going to ask a member of staff to draw a name from a hat - little will they know that my name is the only one in there!). This is going to be absolutely thrilling for me. I was too cool to like the Spice Girls in their heyday (though I knew all the words to their songs and some of the dances) but now that they dress in Roberto Cavalli I feel well within my rights to be a super fan.

I have become a little disenchanted with certain friends for babbling meaningless twaddle (even more than I do) when I am trying to concentrate on the more important things in life and I'm trying to think of ways to associate with people who want to do something and get somewhere... Suggestions on a postcard please!

The main focus of my attention at the moment is trying to get myself into a position where I can actually afford to live on my own. This, I believe, would bring me a vast amount of security. I would be able to concentrate on my dreams much more effectively I'm sure if I didn't have to worry about how to pay the bills. At present though - thanks mostly to my father - the wolf is being kept from the door and I have enough space to consider my next move.

Haven't smoked for two weeks now... My flat looks and smells beautifully clean. My kitten is now two weeks old (he was born on the day that I quit) and it won't be long before I can meet him for the first time. How exciting!

Love is...

2008-01-20T13:22:00.000-08:00

As I believe I mentioned in my last post I've been concentrating hard on trying to sort some important aspects of my life out (mainly my debts and my career) during the self-examination I've been looking into my past relationships and how they've effected my self esteem and as a knock on it's made me think about what I want from future relationships.

It took a while for the penny to drop with me about what love is - this little sequence of events showed me;

The other night my mate J stayed over and she doesn't like my rat, Splinter. I didn't want to keep him locked up all night (he's been completely free range since I had my pussy cat put down) and I always stay on the sofa when my mates stay because I can't stand them moaning about my snoring! So - I brought the rat into the living room with me and shut the living room door. Before I went to bed I took a selection of treats out and left them around the room for him to find on his travels (paying particular attention to ensure that it was all stuff he really loves). At about half past five in the morning he woke me up by biting my nose. Not hard - just a love nip. I gave him a little stroke and thought 'how sweet' and went back to sleep.

That is what I want from my next relationship. Someone who pays enough attention to the things I like and gives me little treats to make me feel happy, is willing to put themselves out to ensure that I'm comfortable and doesn't overreact when I wake them up in the early hours of the morning. If I can do it for my rat the someone can do it for me.

I feel a tiny bit of what Abby Lee felt....

2008-01-17T11:11:00.000-08:00

...When her true identity was exposed and all of her 'conquests' read what she'd written about them. I stupidly showed a section of my blog to The Engineer on Sunday thinking that like most of my friends he'd forget it instantly or not bother too look at it or whatever. While texting him last night (yeah I know I'm not supposed to be) I told him that I'd posted about him and he immediately looked it up and started texting me bits that I'd written!! Oh my God! I don't think I've blushed so much since my best mate's mum walked in on me pinning her son down and forcing him to kiss me (I was about 7 at the time and it was, until recently, the most embarrassing experience of my life).

There is something really horrible about someone reading your thoughts about them - particularly if you don't know them very well and even more so if you fancy the person. So yes - very embarrassing. His only complaint was that I made it sound like he'd played me (which made me even more sweet on him). I've asked him not to read the rest and I don't think he will.

He also said that he'd stop texting me when he's sorted out the timer on my immersion heater, which made me feel a bit sad actually.

Good news on the work front; I've laid down the law to my new boss after he told me that he'd 'made up his mind' that he wanted to marry me and that when he makes up his mind that he wants something - he gets it. Scary stuff. So, yeah - I told him that I needed to concentrate on work and that I didn't need any distractions - including him - and that I want to marry a young man! That seems to have sorted him out.

He has also told me that I've been 'marked' by him and the MD for a management role and that he's decided that he's happy with me and wants to keep me but that he hasn't decided about the two other people that he employed at the same time as me. I liked that - gave me an ego boost. Particularly good as I have to bite my tongue while said new starters lecture me about my work methods and ethics. He's also let me in a quite a few secrets that the other members of staff are as yet oblivious to. I have closed my first three deals now which is encouraging. Bring on the Champagne incentives!

Oh, and P.S.

2008-01-15T15:16:00.001-08:00

Still not smoking - day 8!

The Engineer

2008-01-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

OK, so I've got a new one. 'The Engineer'. The Carpenter went away for a bit; long enough for me to realise that he didn't make me feel special. I want to feel special. I've been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last couple of weeks and if I'm putting this much effort in to me then someone else should too (no smutty comments please).

So! The Engineer. First boy to ever buy me a Valentine (when I was about 9 he put a fluffy heart in my drawer at primary school), snogged him at the school leaving party when I was 15 and resisted his clumsy efforts to drag me upstairs for an more intensly uncomfortable fumble.

We hadn't seen each other since we left school, bumped into one another again on Facebook and have kept in touch from there. I met him out for a drink a few weeks ago (both with friends in tow) and discovered that we had a similar level of enthusiasm for doing shots. I like the way he dances too... a kind of clown step - really cute.

He really started to endear himself to me when I told him that my cat was dying. He text me about four times a day to make sure that I was doing OK and keeping my chin up. Let's face it; anyone who knows me knows that I don't lack offers for sex; it's emotional support that I'm missing. So yeah, he was sweet and it got my attention. I invited him round to keep me company the Saturday that I had Baby Maccy put down and he was really nice to be with. I drank a bit too much and felt a bit self conscious and a bit worried that I might do something stupid (which I probably did, probably by saying something about being crap at relationships and wanting a baby no doubt) so yeah - pretty obvious that I'd started to fancy him.

After that we were texting about a million times a day... Things got a bit suggestive at times. He came over on Sunday evening and when I kissed him I could remember his smell. I hadn't forgotten the sensation of what it's like to kiss him and it was all good. He's sweet and kind and his morals are in line with my own and stuff. He loves his family and has a job and a car (ha ha... new one for me this).

The catch? Well - he's married, just about to separate from his wife and has a 16 month old son.

God knows how I do it. I seem to have an ability to attract emotionally unavailable men. Having examined this idea I came to the conclusion that I don't attract them but simply don't tell the buggers to bugger off. So I think; 'I'm not making that mistake again' and asked him on Sunday what he wanted from me. He said that he'd thought about it and that he'd realised that he couldn't give me what I 'needed' and that he'd thought about me saying that I want a kid and that there was no way that he could even think about having any more children for a few years. I explained to him that for me, it's not really about having children straight away but more about being in an emotionally supportive, intimate relationship where in the future, children are a possibility. I also explained that this is not something I 'need' but something that I want. This is something that my ex taught me; in relationships you should always 'want more than you need'. Think about it, apply it to your experiences and tell me if you think I'm wrong.

So after that he admitted that he couldn't give me what I want. I asked him to stop 'persuing' me (texting and stuff) and asked him to be strong with this as it wasn't fair for him to romance me when he couldn't give me what I want, and I told him that he could try to get back in touch when he'd left his wife and sorted himself out and maybe I'd still be single. He said I should've gone upstairs with him when we were 15 - ha ha.

So has he stopped texting? Has he bollocks! Men, eh?

Everything is annoying.

2008-01-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

I suppose a few things aren't but I wanted to get your attention.

My dad helped me out with some money (again) tonight... I spent a bit of time trying to express what I'm trying to do at the moment (knuckle down and focus on getting myself out of financial difficulty in a nutshell) and trying to overcome my 'low self esteem' which I have recently acknowledged as being a part of me and a problem and something that is holding me back.

Bloody hard though - addressing the 'roots' of any problem. Tends to dredge up a load of crap that you'd be happier (short term) leaving buried. Not only that but it makes you really annoyed with your parents. It's not that I blame them for my low self esteem - they did everything they did because they love me. You have to try and get down to the nitty gritty of how you (probably wrongly) perceived their actions. And that, is a ball ache at least and incredibly emotionally unsettling at worst.

I think the hardest part is my mother's reaction to it all. She lacks the ability to be objective about any situation and brings all of her own emotional baggage with her to any discussion. At times like this I find it hard to have her in the room while I discuss my financial issues with my dad. She has an impoverished attitude towards life in many ways. A month or two ago she sent me a message saying 'maybe you're aiming too high'. I know what she meant but who says that to their children?!

Thing is; most of my problems are down to starting a new sales job and having to build my pipeline from scratch. Anything that I could alter to save any significant amount of money would take a couple of months and by then I'll be earning enough to keep whatever it is anyway. I need a short term fix - the long term solution is being put in place; I'm learning to budget.

Papa on the other hand is telling me that I shouldn't get another kitten until I have completely resolved my financial situation. NO PAPA!! BAD ADVICE. Everyone needs something to make them happy and a goal to aim for don't they?

OMG!!

2008-01-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was having text sex with a new bloke (who, from now on I will refer to as 'The Engineer' - though I'm pretty sweet on him, so it seems a bit harsh to categorise him) and I realised JUST HOW LONG it's been since someone actually went down on me and gave a shit about what they were doing. I reckon it's about TWO YEARS!! Christ! No wonder I'm fucking miserable... This needs rectifying!

I've been reading a book on how to overcome low self esteem; The Ex has a lot to answer for I can tell you. Me thinking it's acceptable to forego oral sex is one of those things.

Good news; my new kitten was born yesterday... His parent's name's are 'Dazzledots Total Eclipse' and 'Glitterglam Pussy Galore' - how camp is that? I'm going to have to find a really masculine name for him. What could be better than 'Machiavelli' or 'Mac' as I knew him?! Suggestions on a postcard please; though I'm considering Arthur - after Schopenhauer.

If anyone would like to donate £10 to the 'Princess can't live without a baby (cat)' fund then let me know... Arthur will cost me £500 and the vet bill for the tests on my baby was £154 - not sure how much 'euthanasia' costs but I'm sure the bill is in the post.

Thank you for the love and stuff you have sent... I'll keep you updated with pictures of Arthur (anyone with me in thinking I may have named him already?) as they come through.

PS... I've quit smoking.

Life is a cunt.

2008-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's FIP.

Life would be better if...

2008-01-02T17:37:00.000-08:00

...my cat wasn't dying. I took him to the vet's today and he's got one of two things; FIP or a heart condition. If it's FIP then it's almost certain death. If it's a heart condition then who knows?

I can't help hating this... Reminds me of a time when I lost another baby.

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR.

How annoying?

2007-12-28T17:54:00.001-08:00

Look - I don't know why this always happens to me, or what I do, or how I do it. Another bloody fucking manager has decided that he 'fancies' me as he put it but it seems to me a little bit more like an infatuation.

I swear to God I didn't encourage it this time (unlike last time the man is old enough to be my dad and married with two children and not remotely close to fanciable). I've just been myself; worked hard; not been a pushover and generally shown that I've got some 'balls' and the mutherfucker is falling all over himself to the point that I had the day off sick today and he text me four times saying that he 'missed me'.

What the fuck is wrong with him? I mean; he obviously loves his wife, his children and his life - so why the fuck does he think that the smartest idea he's had all year is to pursue me?

I called him on Christmas Eve and mentioned to him that my new manager had told me he fancied me... He said 'don't do it' to which I replied 'don't you think I've learned my lesson?'

The Carpenter's suggestion was that I sue him but would that really be the best course to take if I want to further my career? Would I then be seen as a liability to employ?

The thing that pisses me off most about this is that at the moment my work life is hard enough without having to worry about the extra hassle of mollycoddling a male ego. The ex would be loving this if he was around; seeing it as proof that I'm unable to control the sexual dynamic of 'sales'. Is this true? Or is it that the men in my life can't handle it? They can't categorise it as what it is. I must say that I've never used any kind of sexual prowess over my manager but possibly over potential clients while he was present. Is he contaminated by the overspill? Must I take responsibility for this?!

I meet another man that brings out the meany in me...

2007-12-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

My darling cousin invited one of her many suitors to her house last night. It wasn't particularly difficult to imagine the kind of 34 year old man who would be chatting up a 21 year old - I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but within the first 15 minutes he'd asked me about 5 times whether he was more attractive than I imagined and made comments on my weight (he likes really thin girls). The conversation thereafter went like this;

'You know - I'm a male escort.'

'Really?'

'Yeah - would you pick me if you were going to hire an escort?'

'I don't know. What's your 'unique selling point'?'

'Well apart from the obvious; good looking; great body; I can talk really posh when I want to.'

'Well you just made a mistake in that sentence.'

'Look; I've just drove...'

'Er - 'driven'.'

'I don't like you.'

Er yeah; but am I bovvered?!

Noooooooooooooooooo!

2007-12-20T13:27:00.001-08:00

My Black Moor; Token, has just accidentally SWALLOWED one of my catfish WHOLE!!

He was hoovering up some food pellets at the bottom of the tank and my poor little catfishy got in the way. Token wriggled around a bit but didn't spit him out. I'm devastated. I'd just been thinking how happy they all looked and then tragedy struck!

I'm going to go now; I need to mourn.

Strange things

2007-12-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

Strange goings on in the land of The Princess. It just so happens that The Carpenter's friend rents a flat to my cousin. His friend also happens to be in a relationship with my best friend and they (said friends) live out in Spain.

The Carpenter was asked to go to my cousin's flat to fix a few things and I heard through the grapevine that he'd told his friend that he was seeing me. Then! His friend rang my cousin and said that 'The Princess's boyfriend' would come round to check out the problems. What's this?! Is it possible that I have once again accidentally acquired a boyfriend (I don't think I've told the first story on here. Perhaps I will one day) again? Apparently he doesn't want to commit to anything with me but is happy to let his friend's know that we're seeing each other. Funny things these boys... I think I could live until I was 109 and still not work them out. Does this mean that because he has said to his friend that he is 'seeing' me (even though he hasn't stated that the relationship is anything but a 'casual hook up' to your's truly) that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of 'seeing' someone? If that is so; where does it end? If his mate thinks I'm his 'girlfriend' then does that mean that I am bound by the commonly accepted protocol of being a 'girlfriend'? So confusing! Though surely both parties need to be in agreement about what stage a relationship (by relationship I mean 'relations between two people' - not 'it's all agreed that we're married and set to have children') is at - regardless of what friends and grapevines say?

I can now see why I was so eager to get some definition. I also think that perhaps my relationship with The Ex has much to do with this; though it pains me to say it. It's very hard to 'go with the flow' when past partners have had you in the gallows for not remaining faithful after the first date.

As it went; my cousin asked me to be there and then a series of events meant that my aunt was there too. He turned up and displayed so little charisma that I know I will have to defend my involvement with him for quite some time. Still - nothing new here really!

See you in court

2007-12-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

Another eventful week. I'm marveling at the sheer amount of admin involved with just simply living - that's even before you've actually done anything.

The Organ Grinder sent me a snotty email objecting to the fact that I had 'made demands, issued threats and deadlines'. Well when you've asked nicely a couple of times what exactly are you supposed to do?!

The more irritating thing about this email was that the man doesn't seem to have a grasp of the English language, stating that his 'position had hardened to ambivalence'. Ambivalence? Are you sure that's what you mean? And finished with 'should I take long than you demand I suggest you take legal action'. I'd rather take him to court for crimes against the English language but I don't think this is possible so I'll take him to court for the £193 that he owes me. For goodness sake if you're going to try to belittle someone then the least you could do is try to make sure you have the words to do it with.

More news on the love life; The Carpenter - who I tossed aside in my last post doesn't seem to be all that bad really... I think I may have got a little over zealous in my 'sorting out my life' mission and ended up being a little too quick in judging him. I'm working on a theory that most men don't know what they're doing really and that's why they get women to tell them what to do. I could be wrong of course.

My second article is coming out on Tuesday and I'm quite excited about it. I've got eight new fish which I impulse bought on Saturday. They're Cat Fish and Danios and they're very exciting. Mac and I like to watch them together. I have only managed to name three of them so far though.

Catch up.

2007-12-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

OK - so I said I'd be back and I didn't deliver. I know that my one avid fan missed me because she told me so last night. I apologise. I've no excuse other than that I've been busy trying to sort my life out a little bit...

Bastard ex boss (ex lover, ex him, whatever you want to call him) has underpaid me so I have resorted to talking to the Organ Grinder once again in order to get my money out of them. What a disappointment. I know that 'business is business' but there is always a little part of me that wants to believe that people in business sometimes give a toss about you.

In the ol' love life; I met yet another man who saw fit to exploit the fact that I'm ready to be in a relationship. Despite the fact that we had numerous conversations about neither of us wanting another 'casual' relationship when I finally asked him (after about six weeks) whether it was just sex he replied 'let me think about it' and that's just not good enough for this Princess - another one bites the dust. Despite my best efforts to pretend that I don't care my true feelings eventually surfaced and I felt really let down again. I'm annoyed that as a intelligent woman (I see myself as such) I seem to be continually suckered in by these guys that don't want to make choices. They talk the talk but then when challenged to make a choice they slink off back to their bachelor lifestyle. All I want is for someone to ask how my day has been or to cuddle up on the sofa to watch a DVD with but this, it seems, is a tall order.

Further to that I have bitten the bullet and am attempting to take control of my financial situation. I have even produced a spreadsheet so that I can see exactly what is going in and out of my account each month. I also have a nice little sideline on the go; selling antique books, which not only helps me; but helps my dad which is fantastic as it means I can repay some of the generosity he has shown me in the past. On top of that it stops me from going out a couple of weekends a month so that's a saving in itself!

I have been writing for my friend's music magazine which has given me a creative outlet but has also boosted my confidence in my literary skills. My first article received high praise from the people of Northampton - I only hope my second does as well.

Machiavelli (my cat) has had his balls off and his temperament has changed slightly. He is a little more self important and a touch more grumpy... Rather the opposite of what I expected but he is still the most positive and beautiful thing in my life... I really need to sort myself out.

I'm also back in touch with my cousin and my aunt which is giving me some much needed female company. My cousin is funny and witty and clever and we have been having many fun nights out and in.

I'm back on the internet dating now and I'm sure that this will bring a lot of interesting tales. I also have a date on Thursday with a man I met in a club who actually sounds like he might have something about him... Watch this space.

Sorry it's a bit of a 'summary of events'. Hopefully I'll be back on it now and be able to get back to my usual emotional rants which are much more entertaining.

Why talk to the monkey when you need the organ grinder?

2007-11-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

Where the fuck have I been?! Ha ha...

Who knows - but I'm back with a vengeance.

Fucking hell - I've been working sooo hard recently it's just wrong. It's had the desired effect though. My new boss thinks I'm great and I'm on target to start hitting my lucrative bonus very soon. Gotta charm the pants off 'em while making the money at the same time. Make them think that they can't live without you that's the key.

Him? Well - he came back to me saying 'can we be friends?' as the sale of his house fell through and at that point I realised that I have enough friends - friends who don't promise the earth and deliver nothing; friends who tell me the truth so I know where I stand - even if I don't like it; friends who really will do ANYTHING for me and not just say so... So I told him 'no thanks - I've got enough friends'.

For the last three weeks I've been asking him when I'm going to get my last commission cheque. He told me that I'd get it in with September's pay; I didn't get it. I called him and asked him why and he said he'd been waiting for month end and that I'd have it in a couple of days; he didn't pay me. I called him again; asked him when I'd get it; he said I'll let you know... He didn't so I called again; he said that it was going for approval from the MD and he'd let me know; I still didn't hear. I emailed and told him that I needed a definitive answer and he said he'd let me know before the end of the day; he emailed and said that it was x amount and he'd 'let me know' when it was going to be paid. So in the end; I went over his head and asked the MD. Within a few hours I'd had a call from him... Fussing over why I'd gone over his head and what he'd said. A few hours from that I'd had an email from the MD saying when I'd be paid. Monkey vs organ grinder. Who needs a monkey.

God damn I feel good. Now I can move on with my life. Yeah; blokes are still a bit rubbish; my life is a struggle; and the cat is my baby substitute but I'm a published author again; the work front is looking up and I've still got a great pair of legs so FUCK IT!!

Tell the truth... I dare you, you spineless son of a bitch!

2007-10-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is it with men that means that they find it impossible to tell you the truth?! I'm a big girl - I can take it. In fact I can give it as good as I can take it. Don't spare my feelings please... It's worse in the long run.

I've just found out that he invented a story yesterday to get out of coming to see me (God isn't it awful that someone wants to 'get out of' coming to see you?). He told me that he had to go and do a disaster recovery for one of my old clients. Well I knew that this was rubbish because I used to work there and he's a salesman - there's nothing that he could do to help them - he's not a technician. So I asked if he was still coming over and he said yes, but he didn't know what time.

I'm a sensible girl; I went out anyway as I knew he was bullshitting me. At about half ten he text saying that he'd only just left and that could we see each other tonight instead. I can't; I'm busy (going for a drink with a very rich man - it helps - I promise!). I nipped into my (old) office today to get some shredded paper for my rat and had a chat with them about what happened (obviously not letting on that I knew anything about it) and they told me that it was in fact M and A who were there until ten. Quelle surprise!

So where was he I wonder. I'm guessing that it involved another woman - which I'm cool with. He did the whole 'shit yourself and back off routine' on Friday night so now, in my head, I'm no longer in a 'exclusive' relationship and am back in the game. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like this thought but isn't it always the way? They want to play but they want you to sit at home waiting for them?

The thing that really gets my goat about the situation is that he knew he wasn't coming but he still let me think he was - so I could have been sitting in crying into my cross stitch all night wondering where he was... That's what they want though isn't it?!

I spoke to K earlier and she asked me what I was going to do. I must say that I'm reluctant to give up the nice meals and the great sex but the thing with me is that it only takes a bloke to show me he's not in it for the long hall once and I've metaphorically left the building. My heart is from then on, under tight control which kind of takes the romance out of a relationship. Oh well - another one bites the dust. At least I have an opportunity to make a fresh start of things as of next Tuesday - new job, new opportunities. Let's go.

A trip to Boredonia.

2007-10-04T08:27:00.001-07:00

God, is there anything more tedious than being a sales person who has handed their notice in?

I finish tomorrow and this week has really dragged. I've closed as much business as I can but what's the point in me going hell-for-leather to try and get new stuff in when I'm not going to see the commission from it? Maybe he'd buy me another new dress but he's on a basic salary so it doesn't really make any difference - he could buy me one anyway!

I condescended to do some cold calling this afternoon just so it looked to the rest of the company like he has some authority over me. He doesn't really though - I shagged him in my lunch hour today and after that it's a bit difficult to pull rank on someone... Anyway - I got so bored whilst calling that I decided to have a game of naughts and crosses with myself. Naughts won the most but the majority of games were a draw.

I've got an inspection on my flat tomorrow so all animals have to be vacated from the building. I also threw out my crappy chest of draws that was falling apart so this evening will be spent trying to fit four drawers of clothes into two draws. Boo!

This is my cat. I defy you not to think he's beautiful.

2007-10-03T06:32:00.001-07:00

I don't care what Dating Monkey says. I love my cat and I'm proud. And I have a boyfriend.

Girls and girls...

2007-09-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

1. The no win situation.

OK -EVERY girl is familiar with this one. Your mate is constantly banging on about how shit her bloke is - you know he's shit (he might even be shit to you at times) but you're not supposed to agree with her and tell her that you think he's shit (even though she more than likely tells you yours is shit). You are also not supposed to defend him as then she'll either think you fancy him or just be annoyed that you're not 'supporting' her. The third option is to say nothing and I don't care what you say; saying nothing is impossible.

2. The 'you pissed me off' situation.

I'm quite opinionated. Alright - very opinionated. One of the things that you have to make sure of when you're this opinionated is that if you upset someone with your opinion you must apologise. It's not an apology for the opinion; I don't see why I should apologise for the things I think; it's an apology for hurting that person's feelings. Simply acknowledging that they were pissed off with what you said, and endeavouring not to make the same mistake again means that you still have friends. What really gets my goat is when I say to someone 'that pissed me off' and they don't acknowledge my feelings. The just get angry at me for saying that it pissed me off, or dismiss it, or whatever. It's a small word with a big meaning - 'sorry'.

Boys and Girls: Newbie's additions...

2007-09-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

6. Saying (even in jest) “I always fuck on a first date”
7. Swearing excessively
8. Talking about exes
9. Getting f*cking trollied
10. Belching

Boys and Girls

2007-09-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I am writing a list of things that boys think that that they can get away with but girls definately can't;

1. Ringing you more than once when you didn't answer the first time.
2. Talking about marriage on the first date.
3. Trying to get you pregnant.
4. Asking you if you can be their girlfriend on the second date.
5. Putting out on the first date.

Any further suggestions would be most welcome.

Message to the person who invented cobbled streets;

2007-09-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

What the fuck were you thinking? Twat.

A day and a half

2007-09-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

I hate to get all miserable on you but I've a few things that I feel I need to write down.

Today is the anniversary of my 'step-daughter's' death. (It's in inverted commas as I didn't actually marry the father - but we were engaged - and I was second mum for a while).

I think I've had a harder time of it this year than any other year. It might be because my closest friends - the ones who knew me when I was around her - have all moved away. I don't know. I'm having a lot of memories though. This is not the only time I remember her; I think of her at least once a day, but today has been a real struggle.

She was only four years old when she died. I was trying to keep myself busy today so I arranged to go to K's house for dinner and I thought that spending some time with her one-year-old would help to distract me. It did, he's so beautiful - so sweet and excitable and cheeky. He has a shoe fetish already!

Now that I'm home though my brain has started ticking again. I can remember the way that she smelt; the way that she used to scream the house down when I turned the shower off; her accidental smile when she was supposed to be having a tantrum and the way that she felt when I used to stroke her when I went in to check on her at night. I can remember her waking me up shouting my name and not wanting her daddy, but me (and I feel guilt for the memory).

I can remember her dad telling me that he watched them give her CPR for an hour while her mum was being sick from the trauma. I can remember him telling me that he had to tell them to stop. I can remember him saying 'I go into her bedroom and I see her pillow and I want to pick it up and smell her on it. But then I can't because I'm so scared that it won't smell of her anymore - that her smell will be gone'.

All of this makes me feel so sad.

One day soon I'll post some of my happy thoughts about her. Today I just feel sad.

Men and women

2007-09-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

I went round to his house last night for dinner and a DVD. It was a bit weird. Photos of him and his ex everywhere and stuff but hey, what did I expect? We managed to iron a few things out though; the conversation went a bit like this:

Me: ‘I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’

Him: silence

Me: You know - when I say things like that it’s a cue for you to say something comforting or reassuring to me. Think of it like a formula on one of your spreadsheets… I say something like that = you say something nice.

Him: Oh is it? OK I’m a fast learner. Let’s try again.

Me: OK; I’m a bit worried that you may have just fallen into this relationship because it’s easy; that you haven’t actually chosen to be with me’

Him: Errr….Ummm….

Me: Oh God.

Half an hour later….

Him: indignantly Anyway! I didn’t ‘just fall into this’ I pursued you. I took you out for dinner and bought you Dom Perignon!!

Times are changing...

2007-09-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I got the job. I've handed in my resignation and unfortunately my present company couldn't come up with an extra £8k per year to secure my future so that's it - I'm off.

I was touched that the Technical Director almost cried but a little perturbed that he expressed such shock at this emotional reaction. After all - I have spent the last fourteen months telling everyone what a valuable asset I am - why wouldn't they cry?!

I'm looking forward to starting my new position but as I've expressed before; I do feel slight trepidation at the prospect; not to mention the 8.30 start. Princesses need their beauty sleep (best taken throughout the morning hours).

He did say that he was looking forward to taking his 'girlfriend' (that's me apparently) out for lunch. I'm aiming to take a bit of time off between the two jobs, just to relax a bit since I have been denied any decent holiday recently.

Worries

2007-09-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

I hate to sound conceited (though of course, I am) but I'm a little worried that if I did leave my present position (the interview went well, though I do have competition so we'll see) it may be his undoing.

It has become increasingly obvious over the last few weeks that he doesn't really do much at all. Most of his time recently has been taken touching up, or gazing at photographs of beautiful women (some taken by him, some not) under the guise of helping his 'ex' out with her marketing for her hairdressing business.

Of course he has survived without me before (he has indicated that he won't be looking to replace me) but the general consensus from my clients is that they don't like him very much (to put it mildly). One of them even referred to him as 'just a twat'. Poor love.

I really hope that these concerns are due to my over-inflated ego and are not in any way based on facts.

On the plus side; my potential new boss is in no way shaggable and also he indicated that my leaving the company would be 'better for us as we can be more open'. This made me feel very warm and smiley and made the newly cynical-about-men K say that he was a 'sweetie'. I nearly fell off my chair!

Oh, and I read this and ran to my soapbox...

2007-09-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

Marcelle D'Argy Smith, former editor of Cosmopolitan in The Independent;

''Boys have always rated women but it's utterly mainstream now, as if nothing else counts but your body. The moment you become aware of boys you want to please them. But whereas before you used to maybe buy a new frock, now girls think about nothing but their bodies."

This had me incensed! How can a woman who used to edit a high profile womens magazine enslave generations of women to men like this?

The moment I became aware of boys I wanted to be as far away from them as possible (ie; my brother's annoying mates) and then later on tried to get their attention a bit, after that I'd say that my interest developed into wanting to castrate them or gag them most of the time.

True enough I do like to play with them from time to time but I'd say that I, and the majority of my friends, dress to impress other women - not men. Though I grant that sometime a low cut top can help you get what you want - but not by pleasing a man - by confusing him. Most of them can't concentrate properly on what you're saying while looking at breasts so you can get them to say 'yes' a lot easier.

Personally I gave up reading these type of magazines a long time ago. They just make me feel like I'm too poor, or too fat, or not fashion conscious enough or that I should spend more time preening and less time living. That kind of pressure does no one any good - but it kind of proves my point about the fact that this pressure doesn't come from men, but from women - don't you think? I've never been with a man who said; 'darling, don't you think you should exfoliate more?'. Yet.

This one's for you Newbie

2007-09-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

I've just got back from another money-dedicated marathon. My dad agreed to save me from destitution again so I've been driving all over the country in order to get pick up cheques and get them signed by siblings - it's a logistical nightmare when your saviour leaves the country let me tell you. This instead of spending the evening with him, which I was gutted about as we've been getting on so well recently...

However, I do have a job interview on Thursday which is good for three reasons;

More money.
I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore if I get it.
It's in an industry similar to mine but not the same so I will get to keep some of my clients - hopefully.

So that's the good stuff. The bad stuff is;

I won't be sleeping with the boss anymore.
I might not love it as much as I love my current job.
I find it really, really stressful starting a new job.

Unfortunately I cannot continue in my current financial position for much longer. My dad has never said no to helping me out as he realises how difficult it is surviving on your own; knows how stressed I get about money; and appreciates the effort that I put in to trying to survive on my own (shopping trips aside). My recent lack of funds has, however, enabled me to appreciate the finer things in my life.

My kitten is currently being very vocal about the fact that I was late home. Despite a game of 'bull fights' (involves me holding a blanket, him running into it and me throwing it on him, wrapping him up and tickling him) he's still in need of further attention. He is without a doubt the best £150 I have ever spent. It's so wonderful that I have a friend at home who always helps with the chores (hanging the washing out, emptying the bins and cleaning the floors being the favourites), constantly makes you laugh (running into the bathroom, jumping onto the toilet and sliding into the bin and such like) and cuddles you all night.

Another good thing is that as he is skint at the moment, instead of going out for a meal on Saturday night we had a night in with a DVD and cuddled up on the sofa - like a normal couple. Lovely.

I'm really hoping this new job thing works out. If I had to move out of my flat (God forbid) and move in with someone else I think I'd go insane. I've read enough in Newbie's blog to know that. I do realise that I'm well on my way to becoming a mad cat woman by the way.

Back home!

2007-09-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

I've just got back from France where I have been staying with my beautiful sister and her (not so beautiful) husband (though he is very good at cooking so we'll forgive him for not being beautiful - at least until his skills wane).

I had a lovely and very relaxing time and like a true English girl stripped off and lay in the sun for hours with gay abandon and not a thought to wrinkled skin or, worse still - skin cancer.

My sister lives with her husband, five cats, six chickens and two dogs. The chickens are horrible but are very good at disposing of food waste (such as prawn's heads and feet) and produce amazing eggs. One egg every thirty four hours no less! I hope that when I die I don't come back as a chicken. The dogs are naughty and annoying (though lovable) and walk on you when you're trying to sunbath and the cats are all delightful in their own individual ways.

Since looking after some vile French children (I'm sure they're not vile because they are French) my sister has become very slim. She is also very tanned and looks very healthy. She seems happy though I can see that life is often a struggle for her... Personally I think she's very brave - she is getting very good at speaking French - though she will always play down her achievements in that way that she has perfected.

We had a disco in her bedroom with a compilation album that I had one of my lovely men from work put together for me - all the old songs that we used to dance to when we were teenagers. We danced like no-one was watching (because they weren't) and sang at the top of our voices until we felt sick.

Mon petite chaton went to stay with friends while I was away and drove them insane. He seems pleased to have his mummy back and has been running around the house shouting his head off and demanding that I have a bath (one of his favourite past-times is hanging out with me while I'm in the bath) though I don't give in to his demands having been ruled by a man one too many times. He smelled of their house so I sprayed him with perfume as a quick fix. Now he smells of perfume and their house but I'm sure it will wear off. I thought he might forget me and love them more but it doesn't seem to be the case. Even as I type he's gazing at me lovingly. How wonderful!

I managed to nip in to see my bad boy for a bit this evening as I had to collect something for my brother-in-law (who had returned to England with me in order to buy a car). He is just as bad and beautiful as ever. I asked him if he was ever going to start being good and he said 'maybe one day - when I'm about fifty'. I told him not to - I like him just the way he is.

Will I ever be a good girl? I'm not too sure. Even if he did try to make an honest woman out of me could I really accept it and settle down and make compromises after all this time of being on my own? Am I really what I claim to be? The eternal batchellorette?